Had a private scan today at 17+1 to find out the sex. No heartbeat found. Won’t know any more until I go back to the hospital in the morning.
GA on scan report is 16+2. That would’ve took the baby to Christmas Eve.
I barely said anything at the scan. I was just blank. I think they expected me to show a bit more emotion but I guess I was in shock.
I can’t believe this has happened to me. And now I have to be that person, the person you read about on forums like this, who now has this grief to carry, and everyone will know about it for the rest of my life.
And we’re going to have to tell people. Everyone knows I’m pregnant. Our families, our friends, our parents friends, people DH works with, our neighbours. Even my fucking estate agents knows. So many people will be upset by this. My mom in particular will be devastated. And I just can’t deal with that.
Thank god I hadn’t told my work yet. Although obviously I’ll have to tell some people now what’s happened.
I was so excited. I wanted this so much. The first couple of months I barley acknowledged I was pregnant as I have my hands full with DS, who has just gone 1. But the last few weeks it’s actually felt real and I was starting to get really excited, especially when we decided to find out the sex.
I feel like I’m going to be given the option to see it and name it, but part of me doesn’t want to. I’d rather it just be an unknown baby that never happened.
Luckily DS is at my moms tonight, as me and DH were meant to be going out for a meal and to the cinema. So at least I didn’t have to go pick him up and give my parents the news straight away. But I’m going to have to in the morning and I really really don’t want to.
I just don’t know why this has happened to me.