17 weeks, no heartbeat

[PamelaDoov]

Had a private scan today at 17+1 to find out the sex. No heartbeat found. Won’t know any more until I go back to the hospital in the morning.
GA on scan report is 16+2. That would’ve took the baby to Christmas Eve.
I barely said anything at the scan. I was just blank. I think they expected me to show a bit more emotion but I guess I was in shock.
I can’t believe this has happened to me. And now I have to be that person, the person you read about on forums like this, who now has this grief to carry, and everyone will know about it for the rest of my life.

And we’re going to have to tell people. Everyone knows I’m pregnant. Our families, our friends, our parents friends, people DH works with, our neighbours. Even my fucking estate agents knows. So many people will be upset by this. My mom in particular will be devastated. And I just can’t deal with that.
Thank god I hadn’t told my work yet. Although obviously I’ll have to tell some people now what’s happened.

I was so excited. I wanted this so much. The first couple of months I barley acknowledged I was pregnant as I have my hands full with DS, who has just gone 1. But the last few weeks it’s actually felt real and I was starting to get really excited, especially when we decided to find out the sex.

I feel like I’m going to be given the option to see it and name it, but part of me doesn’t want to. I’d rather it just be an unknown baby that never happened.

Luckily DS is at my moms tonight, as me and DH were meant to be going out for a meal and to the cinema. So at least I didn’t have to go pick him up and give my parents the news straight away. But I’m going to have to in the morning and I really really don’t want to.

I just don’t know why this has happened to me.

Op I am so sorry for what you are going through. Nobody deserves this :( all the love for you xx

@girafferafferaffe thank you, that’s very kind of you x

@PamelaDoov I remember feeling so freaking guilty about what happened. Even though drs were keep telling me it was not my fault but rather "system fault", I could not help to think ...«If only I had taken vitamins on time, if only I missed those yoga classes in my 1st trimester (some exercises involved lying down on the tummy), if only I missed that 1 hour hike in my 1st trimester», if only...if only...so much guilt. But then, after a while, you realise that you just trying to justify the unfairness of life at your own expense. Some things are just out of our control and there is nothing that we could have done to change it, unfortunately. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to blame yourself too much as it's very painful and destructive path.
Try to find your solace in your DS and future pregnancy prospects🌸

There is one charity that helps with counselling after baby loss that you might find useful. They are called Petals.

petalscharity.org/

@Bango2019 it’s hard but i will try.
Thank you I’ll have a look at Petals.

Hope you had a marginally better night of it - sending positive vibes for one more work day before the weekend (unless DH works the weekends!).

I didn’t get to sleep until something stupid like 2am. But I’ve had to get up early with DS so hopefully it’ll tire me out for tonight. And DH will be with us at the weekend so that’s good.

Just had to write a new hospital appointment in my diary, and had to go through and cross out everything to do with the pregnancy, including my due date. Feel like I’ve lost him all over again by removing his birthday.

Hope you are doing ok @PamelaDoov ❤️

@babyboybluewithnumbertwox thank you, I was having a good weekend but I feel really sad again today