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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

17 weeks, no heartbeat

109 replies

PamelaDoov · 30/12/2021 18:01

Had a private scan today at 17+1 to find out the sex. No heartbeat found. Won’t know any more until I go back to the hospital in the morning.
GA on scan report is 16+2. That would’ve took the baby to Christmas Eve.
I barely said anything at the scan. I was just blank. I think they expected me to show a bit more emotion but I guess I was in shock.
I can’t believe this has happened to me. And now I have to be that person, the person you read about on forums like this, who now has this grief to carry, and everyone will know about it for the rest of my life.

And we’re going to have to tell people. Everyone knows I’m pregnant. Our families, our friends, our parents friends, people DH works with, our neighbours. Even my fucking estate agents knows. So many people will be upset by this. My mom in particular will be devastated. And I just can’t deal with that.
Thank god I hadn’t told my work yet. Although obviously I’ll have to tell some people now what’s happened.

I was so excited. I wanted this so much. The first couple of months I barley acknowledged I was pregnant as I have my hands full with DS, who has just gone 1. But the last few weeks it’s actually felt real and I was starting to get really excited, especially when we decided to find out the sex.

I feel like I’m going to be given the option to see it and name it, but part of me doesn’t want to. I’d rather it just be an unknown baby that never happened.

Luckily DS is at my moms tonight, as me and DH were meant to be going out for a meal and to the cinema. So at least I didn’t have to go pick him up and give my parents the news straight away. But I’m going to have to in the morning and I really really don’t want to.

I just don’t know why this has happened to me.

OP posts:
SherbertLemons · 31/12/2021 00:16

I'm so so sorry for your loss OP xxx

Bango2019 · 31/12/2021 00:28

Really sorry for your loss🥀It's so heartbreaking to read what you going through right now and really hard, as it brings painful memories of my own loss. I have lost my baby boy 2 years ago at 20 weeks. To say I am scarred for life and traumatised, is to say nothing really, words can't describe what mothers go through during these difficult times, emotionally and physically.

Don't think about others, but yourself and your DH, no one ever will feel what you both feel right now. I've only had to tell my boss at work and she shared with others at work, as for family members, my DH had to tell everyone as I just cried for days and couldn't talk to anyone really.

You have the right to grieve your way and as long as you need!

Sending you hugs and strength to go through this tragic time🌸

Daisy95 · 31/12/2021 11:03

Thinking of you today xx

trevthecat · 31/12/2021 11:06

Thinking of you x

Original poster
PamelaDoov · 31/12/2021 12:52

Hi all, thank you again for everybody’s messages last night. Had a scan today to confirm (not that there was any doubt) and I’ve had an oral tablet. Back at hospital on Sunday morning to complete.

I feel… ok. Very deflated. It’s an odd word to use but I’m ‘disappointed’. I’m not just losing a baby, I’m losing this whole plan I had for the next year. We were going to move to a lovely new house. Get settled. Then I’d have the baby, and have the close age gap between kids that I’d always wanted (18 months). Then after that I’d start to get serious about my weight and lifestyle. So that this time next year I’d be looking and feeling so much better than I do this year. That’s all just… gone. Taken away. For no good reason.

We’ve been and told my parents. Wasn’t as traumatic as I imagined. Not telling anyone else yet. Don’t want to spoil anyone else’s New Year’s Eve.

OP posts:
wavecatcher · 31/12/2021 13:01

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please don't worry about others, be kind to yourself and give yourself time to heal.

Boohoowhoareyou · 31/12/2021 13:56

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It's the most heartbreaking thing to go through. Our baby was stillborn and we knew a few days before I gave birth. I know this will sound odd to some people who have been in this position, but we took the decision to celebrate our baby's birth. They were our baby. The best thing we've ever done. We wanted to recognise all the joy we'd had with them and celebrate their birth. We requested only medical staff who could be on board with this way of birth for a stillbirth. The hospital was amazing. This was just our way of managing. There is right or wrong way to deal with the birth or your trauma. Do what works for you, your husband and child.

The aftermath of the birth and planning a funeral was incredibly sad and hard. But there are people to help you. Get all the support you can.

Boohoowhoareyou · 31/12/2021 14:04

That should read no right or wrong way

Daisy95 · 31/12/2021 16:41

Be kind to yourself & please don't worry about other people, sending you and your family lots of thoughts xx

Original poster
PamelaDoov · 31/12/2021 16:48

Thanks guys I appreciate it

OP posts:
Bango2019 · 04/01/2022 17:03

@PamelaDoov How are you? How are you getting on?

marykitty · 04/01/2022 17:13

Sorry for your loss Flowers

Original poster
PamelaDoov · 04/01/2022 17:37

@Bango2019 I’m ok. On and off. Thank you for asking.
The whole ordeal on Sunday wasn’t quite as terrible as I thought it would be, so that’s good. Just dealing with the sadness now.

OP posts:
Bango2019 · 04/01/2022 18:16

@PamelaDoov Glad that physically it wasn't as traumatic as you thought it would be. Sending you some hugs🌸Keep strong🌸

Lizbiz89 · 04/01/2022 18:20

So sorry you're going through this. I lost my first baby at 24 weeks. Decreased movements and went for a quick check up to make sure everything was fine, to then be scanned and told there was no heartbeat. Apparently it was caused by a true knot in the umbilical cord. It was the most sad and confusing experience I ever went through. I've since gone to have 2 more living babies and I actually got pregnant with my daughter 9 weeks after losing the baby. Be extremely kind to yourself and take your time with the grieving ❤️

Original poster
PamelaDoov · 04/01/2022 18:40

@Lizbiz89 thank you that gives me some hope. I know this may not be how some people would feel, but I really want to try again as soon as my normal cycle returns. So hearing that you had a successful pregnancy so soon after a loss is nice to hear. Although I know it’s not guaranteed to happen so quickly, we’ll still try.

OP posts:
PintOfBovril · 04/01/2022 18:53

Oh OP. You poor poor thing. I'm so sorry 😔. There isn't anything I can say to make this less painful. Go gently with yourself. You are not responsible for other people's pain. I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

Lizbiz89 · 04/01/2022 19:00

@PamelaDoov yes you must do whatever you feel is right for you. I knew as soon as I lost the baby that I wanted to start trying again. Not to replace the baby we lost but to fill that empty feeling after the loss. I know everyone is different but that's how I felt and I don't regret it one bit. It brings me comfort knowing that if we hadn't lost our first baby, then my now daughter would never have been born. She was the gift my sleeping baby gave us. And then my son after. Anyway please know things will get better. Time is always the best healer x

Original poster
PamelaDoov · 04/01/2022 19:02

@Lizbiz89 yes that’s how I feel too. I have all this love to give to another child so why wait.

OP posts:
GirlMama21 · 04/01/2022 21:35

Glad you are OK OP ❤, it's the worst thing ever to lose a child as those of us posting in this thread know...I understand your desire to get pregnant again quickly, it was the same for me. You will never forget the child you lost, but the gaping hole they leave behind- and all that love you have to give- it's only natural to have that desire. Hope it happens for you soon and you have a safe pregnancy and delivery x

Original poster
PamelaDoov · 05/01/2022 23:57

I know nobody wants to listen to me anymore but I feel like I’ve got no one to talk to and talking into empty space online is better than nothing. I feel so shit all the time. I’m sleeping in late but I’m still tired. I cry on and off all day. Sometimes I just lie on the floor and close my eyes and tell my DS I don’t want to play with him right now. Then I cry and say I’m sorry. Sometimes just for a short while I forget everything. Then I remember and it feels like a punch in the stomach. You’re not pregnant anymore. Bam. You won’t have a baby in June. Bam. It might take you months to get pregnant again. Bam. It hurts so much. It’s the first thing I think about when I open my eyes in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night. I don’t even have dreams at night anymore, I'm just blank. I stuff my face all day and evening with chocolate to try and get some sense of joy. I still can’t believe this has happened to me.

OP posts:
YuleiamsaidI · 06/01/2022 00:12

I'm so sorry this has happened,we are here to listen so dont ever think we dont want to,be gentle with yourself and grieve in however a way you needFlowers

Original poster
PamelaDoov · 06/01/2022 00:21

Thank you. I shouldn’t be up this late. Back to normal tomorrow with DH at work so I’ll be up with DS. But i don’t want to go to bed and start crying again.

OP posts:
friskybivalves · 06/01/2022 00:42

I'm awake and am sure others are too. There's always a night shift on MN.

Given what you've had to go through in the past few days I wouldn't fight your feelings at this stage. You have suffered a terrible and traumatic loss, and you are not going to be feeling right as rain. It's OK to grieve, and to cry. To be feeling utterly lost. You can give yourself permission to react second by second. Your son is one... He will sleep during the day tomorrow so you can catch up on rest then or perhaps your parents might take him for a while to give you a break?

Is there anything that might give you even a tiny moment of comfort - even a temporary escape just to distract you? A cup of tea or hot chocolate? Everything will feel trite, I know, when you are feeling so miserable. Sometimes the distraction can be welcome though and a bit soothing.

Huge hugs, and best wishes for rays of light to come even in this time of bleakness and darkness.

MCMelon · 06/01/2022 00:45

@PamelaDoov

I know nobody wants to listen to me anymore but I feel like I’ve got no one to talk to and talking into empty space online is better than nothing. I feel so shit all the time. I’m sleeping in late but I’m still tired. I cry on and off all day. Sometimes I just lie on the floor and close my eyes and tell my DS I don’t want to play with him right now. Then I cry and say I’m sorry. Sometimes just for a short while I forget everything. Then I remember and it feels like a punch in the stomach. You’re not pregnant anymore. Bam. You won’t have a baby in June. Bam. It might take you months to get pregnant again. Bam. It hurts so much. It’s the first thing I think about when I open my eyes in the morning, and the last thing I think about at night. I don’t even have dreams at night anymore, I'm just blank. I stuff my face all day and evening with chocolate to try and get some sense of joy. I still can’t believe this has happened to me.
I'm awake and listening. Life is fucking shit sometimes. Am I allowed to say that on Mumsnet?