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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

17 weeks, no heartbeat

109 replies

PamelaDoov · 30/12/2021 18:01

Had a private scan today at 17+1 to find out the sex. No heartbeat found. Won’t know any more until I go back to the hospital in the morning.
GA on scan report is 16+2. That would’ve took the baby to Christmas Eve.
I barely said anything at the scan. I was just blank. I think they expected me to show a bit more emotion but I guess I was in shock.
I can’t believe this has happened to me. And now I have to be that person, the person you read about on forums like this, who now has this grief to carry, and everyone will know about it for the rest of my life.

And we’re going to have to tell people. Everyone knows I’m pregnant. Our families, our friends, our parents friends, people DH works with, our neighbours. Even my fucking estate agents knows. So many people will be upset by this. My mom in particular will be devastated. And I just can’t deal with that.
Thank god I hadn’t told my work yet. Although obviously I’ll have to tell some people now what’s happened.

I was so excited. I wanted this so much. The first couple of months I barley acknowledged I was pregnant as I have my hands full with DS, who has just gone 1. But the last few weeks it’s actually felt real and I was starting to get really excited, especially when we decided to find out the sex.

I feel like I’m going to be given the option to see it and name it, but part of me doesn’t want to. I’d rather it just be an unknown baby that never happened.

Luckily DS is at my moms tonight, as me and DH were meant to be going out for a meal and to the cinema. So at least I didn’t have to go pick him up and give my parents the news straight away. But I’m going to have to in the morning and I really really don’t want to.

I just don’t know why this has happened to me.

OP posts:
YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 30/12/2021 19:18

I’m so sorry 💐
41years ago I was 21 weeks pregnant when I was told that my baby had died at 9 weeks. Back then you didn’t have the scans and procedures available now.
I still mourn that baby, they couldn’t even tell me the sex 😢
Sending you hugs x

Original poster
PamelaDoov · 30/12/2021 19:19

Thank you for the lovely comments and for sharing your stories

OP posts:
babyboybluex · 30/12/2021 19:20

So sorry @PamelaDoov ❤️ You are in my thoughts. Sending a big hug your way x

AutumnVibes · 30/12/2021 19:41

So sorry. It happened to me, but not as far along as you. I told people by text then called after a few days because I couldn’t face it. I decided to be open about it because it was therapeutic for me, but I can entirely understand someone choosing to be private for the same reasons. All the hospital appointments afterwards made it feel quite drawn out and strange but staff were universally kind to me as were friends and family. I planted some forget me not plants on our crappy front garden and I look at them from time to time and remember privately. You’ll get through it, but it is a really incredibly sad experience and physically really gruelling too. Sending warm thoughts.

sunshine423 · 30/12/2021 20:38

I'm so, so sorry.

My baby was stillborn at full term last year and those initial days (weeks to be honest) trying to process the shock are so raw. I wish there is something I could say which would make this easier but there are just no words.

Your family and friends will be devastated but as your precious baby's parents, the people who the news will impact the most have sadly already heard it. We had 3 days between our baby dying and being born. We told a very small number of people in the days in between and asked them to spread the word when given the go ahead and this worked 'well'. You are the priority.

I am truly sorry that you need to go through this and wish you all the very best. Daffodil

theremustonlybeone · 30/12/2021 20:42

your DH should contact everyone and let them know or someone you trust. I remember sending a message out to close friends and family and it caused them alot of distress as I was so distraught all i could write was my baby is dead.... this is a time you need an arm around you and all the support you can get.

Roadshiner · 30/12/2021 20:47
Flowers
FlamingoYellow · 30/12/2021 20:51

I was in this position last year. My baby's heart stopped beating at 17 weeks. I was dreading going into hospital to give birth to him but it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I imagined I would never want to let go of him but we got to hold him for as long as we wanted and they took photos and hand and footprints for us, so we felt ready to say goodbye. Make sure when you go into hospital you take plenty of nice snacks and drinks, your own sanitary pads and plenty of changes of pants and trousers/leggings.

Don't worry about what anyone else might be thinking/feeling. Tell one person from your family, one from work, one friend, etc and get them to tell everyone else. Then focus on you and your DH. Talk to each other about how you're feeling. Be kind to each other. Don't rush back to work.

We had a postmortem done which took months but gave us closure on WHY this happened and reassurance that it was unlikely to happen again.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. Keep posting here as much as you need to for support Flowers.

Squiff70 · 30/12/2021 21:03

@PamelaDoov I am so, so sorry. You're in a deep state of shock right now and there's nothing anyone can say or do to take that away.

I understand your pain a little - I was pregnant with twins in January 2019 and at 19+4 weeks they told me neither of them had a heartbeat. My waters broke early next morning and as instructed we called 999 and I was taken to hospital to deliver the babies. We chose not to see them when they were born and for the duration of my hospital admission (one full day) and we left the hospital that same night without having seen or held our son and daughter, whom we named. They went, with our consent, for post mortems and when they were returned to our local hospital we decided to go and see them as I couldn't live with myself if I didn't say goodbye. They were in the Chapel of Rest and they'd placed them in a pretty white moses basket snuggled up together. They were tiny but looked like they were just sleeping.

Please, please don't worry now what other people will think. They will, of course, be devastated for you but you and your husband are the people who really matter in all of this. People will hear your very sad news and you should be prepared for that over the coming days and weeks, but not right now. Right now you need to focus on delivering this baby and what you want to happen after delivery. If your waters break you should call 999 - don't be at home going through this on your own. Your maternity ward will have a dedicated bereavement suite where women who've lost their babies during pregnancy or will do during or soon after birth are taken - they are calm, quiet places and the support you'll recevie from specially trained midwives will help you through this. You'll have pain relief options for the birth, of course, and will get to choose what you want to happen with your baby after you have delivered them.

If you want to talk about this with somebody who understand you can always PM me when and if you are ready.

Don't be on your own. Allow time for this to sink in and remember your reactions are completely normal and justified.

Sending you so much love and empathy. Flowers

Notwithittoday · 30/12/2021 21:03

I’m so so sorry. This happened to me same time of year and also at a private scan but not quite so far as you. It was an awful limbo waiting to be seen by the NHS. The only thing I can say is that I got pregnant quickly afterwards and she’s asleep upstairs. I have a necklace that I keep close to remember the lost baby. You’ll find a way to deal but ask for and take all the help offered. Don’t worry about other people. You have the hardest job of all here. Be kind to yourself. When people do know you’ll be surprised how many people will offer up their own stories. Lots of love to you

Original poster
PamelaDoov · 30/12/2021 21:33

@Squiff70 thank you that’s very kind of you

OP posts:
Original poster
PamelaDoov · 30/12/2021 21:44

No one has told me what my options are so all I know is from Google. So I could turn up empty handed tomorrow not realising I may have to stay in. I’m gonna pack an overnight back and leave it in the car, so if we are told we have to stay in then DH can just go fetch it.
I can’t believe I’m going in to hospital to lose a baby, not have a baby. It hurts so much.

OP posts:
WarmForDecember · 30/12/2021 21:51

Flowers that's so sad OP, all these stories are devastating. Wishing you all the best during this incredibly hard time.

FlamingoYellow · 30/12/2021 21:52

Have you been given any tablets to take yet? When my miscarriage was found I went back into the hospital the following day for a chat with a consultant, a covid swab and some tablets to get my body ready to deliver and then I went into hospital a couple of days later to be induced. I had the offer of staying overnight after the delivery but I wanted to be home.

Original poster
PamelaDoov · 30/12/2021 21:56

@FlamingoYellow no just been told to go in the morning for a scan. Haven’t formally seen anyone yet as the scan today was at a private clinic (who then referred me to hosp). So no idea what options they are going to give me. Read a few different scenarios online but not certain what my hospital offers specifically.

OP posts:
Letsbekindplease · 30/12/2021 21:59

I’m so sorry this has happened to you and your little one. This happened to my best friend and it was a really awful time. Sending so much love and strength your way x

Chickoletta · 30/12/2021 22:01

I am so sorry for your loss. Last year, I lost twins at 13 weeks. Not as far along as you but I can totally relate to the worry about other people and how to tell them. I decided to sit down and ring everyone in one go (before I went home from hospital in my case) and then focus on myself. It was awful and I wished I hadn’t told so many people, but, in the long term, it meant that I had lots of support.
It is shit. Please look after yourself. You are in my thoughts.

stormy11 · 30/12/2021 22:10

So sorry for your loss op. Wishing you all the best Flowers

Shallwegoforawalk · 30/12/2021 22:11

I'm so very sorry for your loss. I agree that having a "messenger" who can contact several people on your behalf to avoid you having to repeat the news so much, is a good idea.

grace1991 · 30/12/2021 22:11

I'm so sorry.Daffodil

PurplePansy05 · 30/12/2021 22:28

OPFlowers I had two missed miscarriages at 13 weeks, just before 12 weeks and an early miscarriage before finally having my DS. Nothing shown on any tests, DH and I have no known issues and DS is totally fine, conceived naturally, pregnancy went well up until late 3rd trimester complications (unrelated to my prior history).

I spent years asking myself why. And I had to tell everyone, over and over again that my baby died, and another one, and another one. I chose to be honest because there's no shame in it and frankly, it crushed me so much that I had to be honest, it was impossible to hide, and why should I. Believe me, these things happen to many women. More than I ever thought and I only understood when it happened to me. This doesn't reduce your pain at all, but it helps to know there are so many of us who understand what you're going through. I wish no one had to go through it, I don't wish it on my worst enemy. I don't think you're ever the same after this, it stays with you. But the sadness and grief shared by others will help you with your recovery and believe me, there is light at the end of the tunnel Flowers I wish one day doctors had all the answers and they could save all babies that can be saved at the perfect time. But unfortunately we're not there yet and it makes it so very hard when you don't have the answers. So shocking when it suddenly, out of the blue, becomes your life story, not something you read online and closed the page before things got too much to you. But I promise you, you're not alone, and things will get better, in time. Look after yourself now Flowers xxx

ToffeeForEveryone · 30/12/2021 22:31

I'm so sorry OP Flowers This is so completely shit and unfair and awful. I hope you have support around you.

Don't worry about telling people. I remember the feeling of I guess responsibility, having to pass on the news knowing it would hurt, but it pales into comparison with what you are going through. Tell one or two whoever you have to for now, and get someone else to do the rest. I called my sister and my mum, DH went to see his mum. I emailed work a 3 line message and went AWOL until I could face it.

In terms of the practicalities, I had to take tablets and come back the next day (it kicked off overnight though); I wouldn't expect you have to stay in tomorrow, but packing is sensible anyway. I was told medical management wasn't an option as had gone beyond 14 weeks. Labour was shorter and there is a lot more pain meds.

I'm so sorry Flowers

SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 30/12/2021 22:36

I am so sorry this has happened to you Flowers

Please take time and be kind to yourself

1moretry · 30/12/2021 22:53

So sorry, big hugs.

BrownRogerForever · 30/12/2021 23:21

Im so sorry. Its unfair and it's utterly, heartbreakingly shit. You have had some good advice already, I echo getting someone else to tell family and friends, do not do that yourself.

I know it's terrifying but seems cruel but honestly if you have to give birth to your baby, you will cope and it was actually one of the more positive experiences for me in many ways. All the staff present explained everything, I was given loads to manage my pain and they have midwives who specialise in these types of deliveries. I felt like I was doing my babies my best and the short time I had with them I think about daily and their birth has become a source of comfort (eventually).

I chose not to give birth as soon as we knew for sure thier heartbeats had stopped. I needed a few days to get my head round it. If they don't offer this, ask if you can delay, if you want to.

Take lots of photos. Kiss your baby if you can (I couldn't as I thought they where too delicate, I regret this but am kind to myself now). I took little muslin blankets to swaddle them in as my boys were too small for clothes).
Ask if they have cold cots available, it gives you more time with your baby.

Sorry for typos, crying for you, your baby and your family, me and all the amazing women on this thread who are in the shittest club ever. I am so sorry.