17 weeks, no heartbeat

[PamelaDoov]

Had a private scan today at 17+1 to find out the sex. No heartbeat found. Won’t know any more until I go back to the hospital in the morning.
GA on scan report is 16+2. That would’ve took the baby to Christmas Eve.
I barely said anything at the scan. I was just blank. I think they expected me to show a bit more emotion but I guess I was in shock.
I can’t believe this has happened to me. And now I have to be that person, the person you read about on forums like this, who now has this grief to carry, and everyone will know about it for the rest of my life.

And we’re going to have to tell people. Everyone knows I’m pregnant. Our families, our friends, our parents friends, people DH works with, our neighbours. Even my fucking estate agents knows. So many people will be upset by this. My mom in particular will be devastated. And I just can’t deal with that.
Thank god I hadn’t told my work yet. Although obviously I’ll have to tell some people now what’s happened.

I was so excited. I wanted this so much. The first couple of months I barley acknowledged I was pregnant as I have my hands full with DS, who has just gone 1. But the last few weeks it’s actually felt real and I was starting to get really excited, especially when we decided to find out the sex.

I feel like I’m going to be given the option to see it and name it, but part of me doesn’t want to. I’d rather it just be an unknown baby that never happened.

Luckily DS is at my moms tonight, as me and DH were meant to be going out for a meal and to the cinema. So at least I didn’t have to go pick him up and give my parents the news straight away. But I’m going to have to in the morning and I really really don’t want to.

I just don’t know why this has happened to me.

OP, hang in there. It is normal to feel strange afterwards (it at least was for me). We lost our baby at 23 weeks. I was unable to function for weeks after. Just do what you can, and don’t try to live up to an ideal of how you should feel or what you should be capable of. We just tried to get through the days, and sometimes the hours, one at the time. Over time, things felt less raw, although they still hurt. It is a life-altering experience, but does not have to be life-defining, if that makes sense.

Ask for help if you need it. I hated being alone in that time, and my MIL showed up every weekend to keep me company, so my DP could go out with his dad for sport, which helped him cope.

I hope you are getting some sleep soon, OP

@friskybivalves thank you that’s really kind of you.
I’ve got loads of great people around me to help out but I don’t feel like I can talk to anyone properly, except DH. It’s such a depressing subject, and I don’t like getting upset in front of people I know. So I just keep saying I’m ok when anyone asks.

@MCMelon yes it really is. And unfair.

@4thtimethecharm I’m sorry for your loss. I hope you’re ok now. I will go to bed soon.

Do you have plans for tomorrow? A walk to the park? Although if all you want to do is sit in the house in your pyjamas and do nothing then that is fine. Stick the TV on for your little boy. Grieve, zone out, wallow. I'm giving you permission if you need it.

@MCMelon I was thinking about going out even if I just wandered around my estate and the local park. But I don’t know if it’ll make me feel better as there’s nothing to do during a walk except think. At least at home I can zone out.

I'm so sorry. I had this at 12 weeks, which was bad enough, I can't imagine how bad it would be at 17.

The only thing I found helped was talking about it. If it helps "talking" on here, please do it. If you feel you can't talk to friends and relatives, can you see.a counsellor?

Talk about what has happened as much as you need it. It is still very recent and very raw. Are you on Instagram? There’s some really good accounts to follow that are just spot on about all the challenges and emotions around baby loss. @zoeadelle and @parenthoodinmind are just two that I would recommend.

You might be really keen to get pregnant again but that doesn’t mean you have to suddenly be over what has happened. It will take time to get over pyhsically and mentally.

I lost our first son last year at 17 weeks too - exactly the same situation . I went for a private scan and there was no heartbeat. I’d had three losses before but not in the second trimester. It was really tough. Four months later I was pregnant again (aged 40 - so wasn’t expecting it to happen really) and DS is now 16 weeks old.

I planted a rose bush for the baby in our garden. I named him Luca but that was just for me - I didn’t share that with other people. I didn’t really want to make a big thing about it snd DH didn’t express any desire to name him, but it helped me to do something.

Give yourself time and we’re here if you need to talk.

So sorry for your loss. We do want to listen to you and support you.

I lost a baby very early on in 2020 and haven't been able to conceive since for unknown reasons and am facing the heartbreaking prospect of that having been my only chance.

I recognise that feeling of waking up and it being on your mind straight away. Talking about it is sometimes too painful but I sometimes call the Samaritans just to be able to pour it all out to a stranger which can help. I hope it helps to post here.

Be kind to yourself. Grief/ loss is deeply traumatic.

I don't really speak much about my loss. It's hard when you are planning for something, someone and the whole life they have ahead of them, for it to be suddenly ripped away. For weeks after I would walk around the clothing aisles in shops, look at baby teddies and just sob. I must have looked like a right weirdo. I felt that my baby was a boy and have put together a memory box with a blanket, baby gro, little nappy, comforter and a letter. I did this after the due date and got a lot of closure from it. I'm not sure if something like that may help?

Just reading the new messages. We have named him and we have a memory box with scan photos, hand & foot prints, a teddy etc. I feel so sad for him, sad that he had to come out into the world when he should have been safe inside me. Sad that he should have had a whole future.
I don’t know if I’m at the point where I need a counsellor but I would look into it if I felt I needed to. I would feel as though I was shutting DH out though. He is hurting too.
Thank you all for sharing your experiences.

Oh love, that's so difficult. It doesn't make sense why some babies make it and some don't. It's really hard to wrap your head around the unfairness of it. He was obviously loved enough for a whole lifetime. Wishing you all the best x

These early days are the hardest. You're grieving so it's completely normal to feel heartbroken and confused. Is there something nice you could plan? Maybe a trip away for a long weekend? My partner and I went away when we lost the baby. It was the best thing we could have done and really helped us process what had happened. I also joined SANDS and spoke with women who were going through the same thing. I went to see a counsellor as well but found that time was the best healer tbh. Everyone is different though. By the sounds of it you want to start trying again soon so try and think of the future that way. That gave me something positive to focus on on those sad days. But just know you're not alone and things will get better. Just take it one day at a time and slowly but surely the sun will shine again ❤️

I saw a psychologist for a few sessions, and it really helped put things in perspective for me. I also second @Lizbiz89 about trying to go away for a few days. We lost our baby in the midst of lockdown, and live somewhere very boring. As soon as we were allowed to go to a self-catering somewhere else in the UK, we somehow crossed a mental bridge. Making new memories, seeing new things, somehow artificially put distance and time between us and what had happened. It was the start of feeling better. I don't know if going away would be feasible for you practically and financially, but if it is, I would look into it.

Please don't feel awkward to discuss this topic with friends and loved ones. Yes, we don't want to burden our friends with sadness, but surely, this is one of those moments in life, where those rules don't apply.

We are away for one night for my birthday in mid Feb, so that’s something to look forward to even if it is a few weeks away. I’m considering looking into a weekend away sooner, even if we take DS with us, but the cold crappy weather puts me off as there won’t be a fat lot to do.
I think once I stop bleeding and I know the possibility to get pregnant is there again, I might feel better, but at the same time I’m worried about trying again because I’ll be so desperate, and every negative will hurt so much. TTC won’t even be fun or nice.
I know you are all right and I should be able to people. I think if someone came over and I was face to face with them I’d feel more ready to talk, but it’s not something I want to call/text people about. So when it’s midnight and I need to express my feelings, it’s good to have somewhere like this.
I am on the miscarriage association forum but it’s not very active over there.

So sorry for your loss. I delivered my little girl at 16 weeks in October 2019.

Your recent post resonated me - I was desperate to get pregnant after I stopped bleeding. I honestly thought it was the only thing that could fill the hole in my heart. I took 2 months off and then got pregnant the first month we were trying - and as amazing as it was, I do wish I had given myself more time to grieve. I spent a lot of that pregnancy filled with anxiety and couldn't even acknowledge that it might be fine until I got to my third trimester really (which comes with it's own bundle of nerves about stillbirth etc.).

I went and had 2 sessions with a private counsellor. About £50 per session but so worth it. I didn't need advice or anything, I just needed to pour my guts out to someone and cry and get angry and say the awful stuff I was feeling (I despised seeing other pregnant women because I was sick with jealousy) and not feel guilty that I was burdening friends/family with my grief. Just something to consider because it really helped me so much.

Be kind to yourself. And your little boy loves you more than anything even if you're not feeling very "perfect mum" everyday. Lots of love xxx

@fullofpips thanks for your message, that really helps. So sorry you’ve been through the same thing. I know I’m setting myself up for possible failure but I just keep thinking about trying again in a few weeks and that resulting in pregnancy no questions asked. I really need to accept that it might take a while but that just makes me feel worse. Doesn’t help that this baby was conceived literally first time trying (DS was 3 months so still quite fast). I just want to start again and do everything better this time around. I’ll eat better, I’ll remember my vitamins, I’ll do anything.
Speaking with a counsellor does sound like a good idea. Being able to say things without fear of upsetting the other person. I’ll think about it.
Took DS to nursery this morning, came home and went straight back to bed. Drifted in and out of sleep until after half 12. Wasted the whole morning, and don’t have much drive to do anything else even though my plan was to do some cleaning. I guess even if I spend 20 mins cleaning the bathroom later it’s still an achievement.

Go easy on yourself, nothing wrong with going back to bed. You need to look after yourself.

Regarding pregnancy after a loss. I don't think there is any right and wrong. I lost my daughter in January 2015, fell pregnant with my son June 2017. Even with bereavement counselling and 2.5 years I found that pregnancy stressful, just expecting something to go wrong again. So even after quite some time it was still hard. You do what feels right for you. Lots of love xxx

Please don't think you've wasted a morning. Getting some sleep is a massive bloody achievement, getting up is a huge plus, typing a sentence and expressing how you feel is all you doing something for you and I think that is all super important and not to be under estimated.

You mention about getting pregnant again and doing everything right this time. It sounds as if you are loading yourself down with guilt that you did 'something wrong'. It may be futile to say this but please try not to go down that route in your head... All the vitamins and stuff is all very well but some pregnancies survive the mothers doing totally outrageous stuff because they don't even realise they're pregnant, or because they're addicts etc and unable to quit. Others just don't even though the mothers live scrupulously model existences from the get-go. Life is just fucking unfair and shite but beating yourself up that you have done something wrong, or indeed your DH has done something wrong, is going to make yourself more upset. Easy for me to say, I know 😢

I hope the rest of your day is manageable. More unMumsnetty hugs..

@friskybivalves I know I do think that as well, some people don’t even know they’re pregnant for months and still have healthy babies so it’s not going to be because I was a bit shit at taking my folic acid, or because I had a glass of red wine when I was 7 weeks pregnant. But I still can’t help but feel like if I just follow the rules and do everything perfect then maybe next time it’ll all be ok. Thank you for being so supportive. I do feel a bit better today. And I’ve eaten something reasonable for lunch rather than junk which is a plus.

Everyone has been so lovely on this thread, thank you so much

Hi OP, so sorry to hear about your loss. You mentioned you might seek councilling. Does your work have an employee assistance program? You may not even know if they do but many organisations do. You'll find details through HR or HR pages on staff intranet. You can access free councilling through them. Sorry if you dont but I never realised we had them at work until I lost a loved one through a traumatic experience in 2020 and the HR team recommended I looked into it. I got 6 free sessions over the phone with a therapist and it was really useful.

@PoleFairy actually now you’ve said it, I’ve just remembered work do have a free counselling service for employees. Only over the phone though but it might be worth a try if I feel up to it. Thanks for reminding me of that.

Hello and so so sorry to read your story.
I have been through similar (well it's ongoing).
I wasn't quite as far ahead as you, But we had the experience of being at a scan thinking we were going to be walking our with scan pictures to share with everyone over Christmas and instead we were told there was no heartbeat.
It was my first pregnancy and I've waited a long time, so I just thought it was fate and my time to have a baby and never in a million years thought anything would be wrong. I also had no symptoms. So I understand the shock and grief that comes with it but the feeling of putting on a brave face for everyone else!

Two days later it was Christmas and I wasn't in a fit state really but you struggle through and then it all feels like a blur. I wanted a d&c but couldn't get in so New Year's Day was sent in the bathroom in so much pain. It certainly wasn't just like a heavy period and I keep reliving and torturing myself because I knew the pregnancy sac had come our and I flushed the toilet. I don't know why but I was in such a state and now I live in utter horror that I did that. I had enough time to think about it and so I regret it every day.

I've had a scan again today as I've not felt well and I haven't passed everything so after all that I've had to take the tablets today and waiting for them to work which will bring more pain.

I understand wanting to try again and feeling like the year ahead has just been taken from you. I am struggling to accept what has happened and why and feel totally consumed by it. I also understand how you feel about not having anyone to talk to. I have a great support network but I feel like no one quite understands and if they do I feel like a burden. I have lost motivating for work and for everything. It is the most heartbreaking experience and I worry so much about the future, so it's good to hear some positive stories.

Sending lots of love to everyone - I'm appalled at the lack of support and guidance that the hospitals provide (maybe that was my bad experience) so i hope you all got better xx

@Pickle0901 I’m so sorry to hear what you’ve been through, especially over Christmas and new year, a time when we’re supposed to be happy, relaxed and celebrating.
I know exactly what you mean about people not understanding. And for them to fully understand what I’ve been through and the emotional effects of it all, I’d have to tell them all the intimate details, like what it was like to give birth to him, and I don’t want that to upset people.
I hope so much that we both get happy news in the near future. We can get through this xxx