Crippled with anxiety that it might be twins again *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Squiff70]

Please forgive me for this post but let me explain.

In January 2019 we lost twins at 19 weeks due to placental abruption. It was truely horrendous but we were determined we would love to be parents, so we tried again, conceiving in June the same year. Yep, twins a second time. Just before 23 weeks I went into spontaneous labour and delivered our babies. After four days our son passed away but after an awful lot of help and treatment, our little girl survived and is now a healthy and happy two year old. She spent 5.5 months in NICU and 7.5 months in hospital in total. IT WAS HELL and we nearly lost her several times.

Fast forward to today. I'm 4 weeks pregnant (found out on Sunday) and since then I haven't slept through fear that I might be carrying twins a third time.

I am not functioning. I am SO tired, sick, have very sore breasts and utterly, utterly drained. I go to bed about 11pm but am wide awake by 2.30am and don't get back to sleep. My partner is working all weekend and I need to look after our little girl but I can barely even lift her I'm so weak.

Is it worth asking my GP for an HCG blood test? I can't face waiting for a scan and even if I could be scanned today, which I can't, then I wouldn't want to look at the monitor just in case.

You must be asking why not twins again. I wouldn't cope mentally or physically with two babies (potentially) as well as our daughter. DP says "people do cope and you'd be fine" but he gets to escape to work. It's not like that for me. Apart from 2.5 hours of nursery once a week I care for our daughter 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and have done since she came out of hospital with no breaks. I just wouldn't cope with another two children. I have physical health problems as well as PTSD and depression and this is killing me.

I can't do this.

Thank you again to everybody whwo has posted messages of support and advice on this thread - I appreciate it more than you know!

@zippityzip we had a session with our bereavement counsellor this afternoon. He was shocked for us but supportive and practical. We're going to meet again at the end of next week by which time I'll have had another scan and should know more about what's happening with twin B. DP confessed he's in denial (understandably) and just wanted a pregnancy "without drama" resulting in a healthy baby. That said, he is being supportive of my decision even though I don't think he agrees with it. I explained to the counsellor that losing one of them now is somehow easier than losing one or both of them much later in pregnancy or after birth. He can't disagree with that, I don't think, even though in his heart he wants them both to be okay. It makes me feel like some kind of monster, really, for feeling the way I do. It's unnatural and not maternal at all and I am fighting the instinct to protect both of them because I know I can't bond with either of them at this stage.

@Crazydoglady123 I am truly sorry for the loss of your little one. I'm so sorry if my posts have upset you and brought back very upsetting memories for you although I'm very aware you can't be 'reminded' of something you've never forgotten. I wasn't aware that such a high percentage of twin pregnancies result in the loss of one twin early on.

@NotVictorianHonestly it went okay thanks, as I explained above. The midwife hasn't got back to me today but I'll text her in the morning. I didn't want to hassle her when she might have been trying to sort out an appointment but she may have forgotten she said she'd call me.

Like @Crazydoglady123, I lost one of my twins at 8 to 9 weeks - was woken in the early hours by one of our cats headbutting my pelvic reason, thought she'd lost the plot somewhat, went for a wee... discovered I was bleeding. On a bank holiday weekend. Four days later, I had a scan that showed my survivor and what had been their twin (which was absorbed in the end).

My survivor is now a strapping 17-year-old who embraces life enough for two. We've never hidden the fact that he was a twin from him, and we talk about her (I just have a feeling the "missing twin" was a girl) often. But I couldn't bond with him during pregnancy at all, because I was terrified that I was going to lose him, too. I still think about his twin, though; every day, in fact. I suspect that's normal, although their father (my ex) prefers not to be reminded/pretend the twin never existed. It's totally different, this experience, for fathers and mothers.

(And the cat fell in love with the survivor the first day he was born - and adored him, and only him, for the next 12 years! I suspect, though, that I owe his survival to that cat... and I'm grateful, even if he drives me up the wall with his antics of young adulthood!)

Sending you lots of hugs and thoughts OP. You are in an impossible situation. I would feel the same as you. As difficult as it is, try to put it out of your mind until your scan as you may have no decisions to make at all. Enjoy your lovely daughter.

Gosh. No experience myself, but I just wanted to wish you the very best of luck OP for a good outcome - whatever that looks like, and whatever you decide.

Quick update: just spoken on the phone to my GP who is writing an urgent letter to an obstetrician. I said if twin B is viable then I'll need to look at options such as a selective reduction ASAP as I don't want to go through it at 14 or 16 weeks plus. I said the further along I am, the harder it will be emotionally.

I'm pleased your GP is being helpful. Is the obstetrician a different person to the vile consultant?

@Squiff70

Quick update: just spoken on the phone to my GP who is writing an urgent letter to an obstetrician. I said if twin B is viable then I'll need to look at options such as a selective reduction ASAP as I don't want to go through it at 14 or 16 weeks plus. I said the further along I am, the harder it will be emotionally.

That's a good step - I really hope that they are quick for you. Surely something like this must be pushed through.

@NotVictorianHonestly I'm hoping so. The GP asked which consultant I was under last time so I told him then told him what said consultant said about our little boy. He said he'd get me in with a different consultant. I really hope he can.

@zippityzip you'd think so but there are millions of people needing urgent treatment on the NHS and I am neither more nor less important than they are. I just hope I don't have to wait too long.

@Squiff70 Oh gosh, I've just read through from the first post - I don't know what to say other than I'm sorry and I'm thinking of you. I also have PTSD and severe insomnia for the last 7.5 years, so can share some of the advice that helped me over the years. (I'm not sure how DM's work on here, but please feel free to message me if you know how.)

Hi there. I’ve been a long time reader of Mumsnet, and yours is the first post that’s ever made me actually confirm my email and respond. While not identical, I have so many similarities in my own story.

I have healthy twin boys, now six.

Next time had a healthy (single) pregnancy until 16 weeks, when I started haemorrhaging out of nowhere. Was hospitalised at 20 weeks, until my son was born by EMCS at 27 weeks, when I was finally told that all my problems were due to partial placental abruption. He too had an extremely rough time in NICU, came home for the first time at 7.5 months, but spent most of that first winter home in and out of ICU. He’s now almost four, been off O2 for a year, just discharged from physio this week, but still doesn’t talk or eat much and has moderate - severe learning delays.

Because of my healthy twin pregnancy, doctors thought that the partial placental abruption was just a fluke. I got pregnant again Dec 2020. Bleeding started at 12 weeks, hospitalised at 20 weeks, DD was born at 25 weeks this past May, but sadly she only lived 27 days. Again it was partial placental abruption.

Somehow, not by our planning, I fell pregnant again in Nov. I’m just now 12 weeks, and obviously constantly waiting for the bleeding to start. Nothing would give us greater joy that to bring home a healthy baby, but statistically it’s not looking good, and I’m dreading more suffering.

I guess I just wanted to say I’m in a similar position, and I sort of know some of what you’re experiencing. Also, I know the thought of twins scares you (understandably), but I think maybe when you think about not being able to cope with two babies, you’re taking what you had with your DD and doubling it? But if you had healthy babies, it would be nothing like what you had with her. Having had both twins and a premie with special needs, I can tell you that twins is 100x times easier that one sick child. The year after my twins were born has some of my happiest memories. Were they a lot of work in that first year? Yes, but NOTHING compared to the work of caring for my premie son. I know that right now the problem is that you really don’t know if you’d get that, but you did mention not being able to cope with two babies, so I wanted to encourage you. If my only experience had been a NICU baby I would have thought I couldn’t cope with twins either.

Right now I’m just telling myself that if I’ve more suffering heading my way, there’s absolutely nothing I can do to stop it. Logically, I know that having another living premie is a gift in itself, and nothing compared to burying another child, but emotionally it almost feels as bad right now. At this point, the thought of walking through those NICU doors again to visit another child, I genuinely don’t think I could physically do it. I’m just trying not to think about it.

This was a really long message, but hearing similar stories helps me feel a little less lost. (I was actually browsing the boards tonight hoping to find a board of someone/people with less than perfect pregnancies. The thought of joining another birth club board, while everyone on my daughter’s birth club board was packing their hospital bags when she had already been buried two months is just too much.) And so if you’ve read this far I hope it helped you. I’m due July 27th, but what’s in a due date, right?

Thinking of you, hope everything is going as well as possible.

@Hannah517 what a heartbreaking story and how brave of you to share. I hope you have an easy, happy pregnancy and birth this time round!

@Hannah517

Hi @Hannah517. Thank you so much for sharing your story, and I am grateful that you have.

Firstly, I am so sorry for the heartbreaking loss you've suffered. Having an extremely premature baby is the most stressful thing ever. My daughter was born just before 23 weeks and not a second goes by when I don't realise just how incredibly lucky we are that she is still with us. The speed they can deteriorate in NICU is utterly terrifying - she twice had major surgery for perforated NEC, a grade 3 intercranial haemorrhage, sepsis three times, e-coli, extreme retinopathy of prematurity and had Avastin injections into her eyes followed by emergency laser surgery later on when it flared up again. When she was about two weeks old we sat with her and watched in terror as her sats plummeted to 7%. We were ushered out of the room whilst doctors came running in. Thankfully it was the ETT (ventilator tube) which had become blocked and not an actual problem with our daughter's health and once they replaced that tube and got her sats back up she was okay.

Could I watch another child go through all that? Absolutely not, it nearly broke me.

I understand what a difficult journey you may have had with your little boy as well as your daughter as I am so acutely aware of just SOME of the things micro premies can suffer from when they are so early and so vulnerable. They're bloody strong though, aren't they?

When our little girl came home she was on oxygen 24 hours a day and still fed by NG tube. She came off both last July/August when she was 18 months old. It was hard, and my partner had to take 6 months off work to help me look after her as I was too scared to be left on my own with her for a long time. Eventually I found my feet and he went back to work in November 2020. I am the only person who cares for her when he's at work. She has moderate developmental delay - she was two in November but developmentally only 12-18 months old. She isn't walking yet and doesn't say much except 'baby babble'. My partner is WONDERFUL with her, he does everything for her and he's been on annual leave for the last week. He's back at work tomorrow and I'm wondering how on Earth I'm going to cope when I can barely function. I just want to sleep all the time and have no energy.

I take on board what you've said about twins being so much easier than one 'additional needs' baby. My issue isn't just that - it's the risk of losing one or both twins late in pregnancy or after birth (neonatally). I just can't put them or us through that risk. The thought of having two to look after as well as our little girl makes me feel physically sick with terror and I KNOW I won't cope. DP thinks it's as easy as getting a bigger car, but like I said in my OP, he gets to escape to work four days a week, sometimes he's out for 14 hours (he often does 12.5 hour shifts). I don't drive and there are NO facilities for mums and babies/toddlers within close range of where we currently live. How would I even get out with three and get them on a bus anyway? I am totally, completely and utterly isolated and add to that, all our parents live in different countries and we have no family close by to help us. We have a few friends close by but they all have heir own young children to raise and don't want to be hassled by us all the time - we've hardly seen our friends for over two years due to COVID too and God only knows when it's going to be safe to meet up properly.

You say "Logically, I know that having another living premie is a gift in itself, and nothing compared to burying another child, but emotionally it almost feels as bad right now. At this point, the thought of walking through those NICU doors again to visit another child, I genuinely don’t think I could physically do it.". I couldn't agree more, another thing I am terrified of and with twins there's a MUCH higher risk one or both will need to spend time in NICU even if they're born close to term.

Thank you again for sharing your story with me. I have taken on board everything you've said but for me, for us as a family, having twins for a third time is not even an option. I'll find out more on Wednesday.

Take care and I wish you a very happy and healthy pregnancy

Hi ladies,

Well, I have some news. I had the scan this morning. Twin A was measuring 8+6 weeks and had a heartbeat. Twin B was measuring at 7+2 weeks but two sonographers couldn't find a heartbeat.

Very mixed emotions now. We're both very sad for Twin B but I think deep down expected this news given the size difference between them. I am hugely relieved though as it gives Twin A a much greater chance of survival now and it means any horrible decisions and potentially surgery are taken out of our hands.

After the scan, two midwives and a consultant wanted to speak to me. They explained what happens next and gave their condolences. After I explained how I'd been feeling regarding a third set of twins, all three of them agreed it was perfectly understandable to feel that way given my obstetric history. The consultant said we now have lots of options to give the remaining baby the best possible chance (aspirin, maybe a cervical stitch or pessary). DP is sad but he's relieved too - I was told its fine to feel whatever we feel whether it's sadness or loss or just plain relief.

My booking appointment was due to be with the midwife this morning but she rang first thing to cancel. It will be rearranged now.

Thank you so much to everyone who has posted on this thread and offered unwavering support and encouragement at all times. You've got me through some very dark moments in the last few weeks and have made it bearable.

I'm hoping now we can grieve a little bit and move forward with this pregnancy, and hope our little bean is healthy and happy in there.

@Squiff70 as hard as the loss is, it must feel a lot of pressure off that nature has decided it for you on this one. I meant to say before with my experience of vanishing twin that it wasn't a trigger your story. I just wanted you to know how common it is that this happens. If you do need any support for the miscarriage of your babies twin there is an amazing private Facebook group called VTS Parents which has been the most informative and supportive place for me to find information when needed. I wish you and your survivor a healthy (and hopefully for you this time full term) pregnancy ❤️

I'm both very sorry for your loss, and very glad of your relief.

Wishing you the easiest, straightforward, boring pregnancy imaginable.

I am very relieved for you.

Yes time to grieve and to move forward with the hope of a healthy term baby.

I’m so sorry for your loss, OP and indeed, all that you’ve been through. I wish you every happiness.

It really does sound like the best possible outcome for you out of a rubbish set. It's ok to grieve the baby you have lost and be glad your chances of a healthy baby at the end of the pregnancy are much improved, and that you've not had to make the choice to get there. Let's hope everything is much smoother from here on in.

@Squiff70 sending all the love for your healing, and I am so glad for you that there is a definite path forwards, and that you did not have to make a decision of that magnitude. As someone else said, wishing you the most boring, easy pregnancy in the world now x

You're all amazing. When I started this thread I was fully expecting to be told my feeling were wrong or unnatural or that I was a monster for feeling the way I did/do. Not one person has said anything bad out of over 200 posts which speaks volumes about the supportive and caring nature of people on MN. So many call it a 'viper's nest' but to so many it's also a lifeline. A chance to vent, explore feelings and breathe.

I will always be grateful to everyone here.

I haven't yet decided whether or not to update this thread as (hopefully) our baby progresses. I don't want to keep going over how I've been feeling this last four weeks as it has been a form of torture. Neither of us know how to feel at the moment which I suppose is normal given the circumstances.

Meanwhile, here's a photo of our scan picture of our little bean who is measuring absolutely spot on for their gestation.

@Squiff70 that looks like the perfect little peanut. So lovely. Whether or not you keep this thread going, there are August and September due date threads with a great bunch of people on them, that you could slide right into, and join the fun. At this stage if you want a fresh start, and hopefully to start to enjoy the process, you know there is a group there for you x

I haven't commented on here before but I read it all and have been thinking of you. I'm glad you're not in so much distress any more having to face an impossible decision, you've been through a lot.

Wishing you all the best for a healthy pregnancy and birth.