Crippled with anxiety that it might be twins again *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Squiff70]

Please forgive me for this post but let me explain.

In January 2019 we lost twins at 19 weeks due to placental abruption. It was truely horrendous but we were determined we would love to be parents, so we tried again, conceiving in June the same year. Yep, twins a second time. Just before 23 weeks I went into spontaneous labour and delivered our babies. After four days our son passed away but after an awful lot of help and treatment, our little girl survived and is now a healthy and happy two year old. She spent 5.5 months in NICU and 7.5 months in hospital in total. IT WAS HELL and we nearly lost her several times.

Fast forward to today. I'm 4 weeks pregnant (found out on Sunday) and since then I haven't slept through fear that I might be carrying twins a third time.

I am not functioning. I am SO tired, sick, have very sore breasts and utterly, utterly drained. I go to bed about 11pm but am wide awake by 2.30am and don't get back to sleep. My partner is working all weekend and I need to look after our little girl but I can barely even lift her I'm so weak.

Is it worth asking my GP for an HCG blood test? I can't face waiting for a scan and even if I could be scanned today, which I can't, then I wouldn't want to look at the monitor just in case.

You must be asking why not twins again. I wouldn't cope mentally or physically with two babies (potentially) as well as our daughter. DP says "people do cope and you'd be fine" but he gets to escape to work. It's not like that for me. Apart from 2.5 hours of nursery once a week I care for our daughter 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and have done since she came out of hospital with no breaks. I just wouldn't cope with another two children. I have physical health problems as well as PTSD and depression and this is killing me.

I can't do this.

@madeleine85 thank you. Our EDD I'd 25th August. I'm already on the July/August thread and corresponding FB group as I followed a lot of the ladies' journeys on the TTC threads. They're a fantastic, supportive community which I'm pleased to be a part of.

@GrendelsGrandma That means a lot to me, thank you. You're right, it was a horrible decision to be faced with as the procedure isn't nice to go through and the risk to twin A could have proved too much. I'm sad, but glad nature has made that horrible decision for me.

I felt both sad and glad reading your update as an Internet stranger, so I can't even begin to imagine how conflicted you must be feeling. I'm glad the decision was taken out of your hands though, in the longterm I think that is the least worst outcome.

I know you won't relax until baby has arrived safely and is in your arms, but I'm wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy

I may totally off the mark here and please tell me if I overstepped - but when I read your update I genuinely thought that the universe had decided to give you a break at last and make the right decision FOR you.

Whilst I can imagine you're really conflicted, this may give you some relief in knowing it was all out of your hands but also the best possible outcome to expect.

I know you're not sure if you're going to come back, so if you don't I just want to send you massive hugs, good luck and support for the next 7 months and I hope that this pregnancy will now go smoothly and you'll be able to grow your family safely.

You're one hell of a woman, not sure I could handle what you've faced. Just remember that when times are hard.

Another mum here who has had her share of heartbreak
And wants to wish you the very best of luck and showers of blessings for the months ahead . You have one healthy bean to grow now … hoping he does beautifully , just as your DD catches up also with her development . There are many mumsnet mums who are rooting for you

Things happen for a reason and it has taken it out of your hands now. I hope you will be able to find a little peace moving forward but i suspect you won't feel easy until the little one is in your arms.

Wishing you the very best of luck going forward xx

@NotVictorianHonestly, saying this is the 'least worst outcome; is absolultely spot on. We have still lost a baby, however and whyever that happened, and that is sad, but to give the other a much better chance of survival is, for want of a better term, a blessing in disguise. It also means I don't have any agonising and very risky decisions to make. I'm just glad nature has resolved this particular issue for us without having to go through heartbreaking surgery which would have put the remaining baby at huge risk.

@zippityzip you're not off the mark at all. The consultant said after my scan (same dickhead consultant who made that awful comment when our son passed away) "finally a pregnancy has done you a favour". A touch harsh maybe but probably true. Thank you so much for all your support on this thread, and the little pep-talk at the end of your last post. I'm not as strong as you perhaps think I am, but I appreciate it all the same.

@DishwashDogsDickens thank you also for your comments and I'm so sorry you've had heartbreak too. Interesting you say 'he'. I'm ocnvinced our little bean is a boy but no idea why!

@Tomselleckhaskindeyes and @fancyfrogs, thank you also for your support and best wishes.

Now I need to know - healthy and a boy

Am hoping for the best outcome this summer
It can go well !

Wishing you and your little bean good health

Hope you're doing well @Squiff70 I've been thinking of you xx

@zippityzip hi and thank you. I'm still very fragile but much better than I was, thanks. I can't bring myself to be excited or happy at the moment though. I'm just carrying on as though nothing is happening or that I'm not pregnant which is weird because my severe nausea tells me I am! I told a close friend this morning, which was very hard as she has a little girl who is a twin but they lost her sibling around 9 weeks gestation. She really, really grieves for that baby and so goes her 7 year old daughter who is very aware she is a twin. I was torn about telling her but she was very understanding, practical and sympathetic and if she felt emotional, she didn't show it in front of me. I didn't tell her I was considering a selective reduction though. I just said I'd been finding it very very hard being faced with a third set of twins who may not make it to term.

Anyway, I've been reading a thread since 6am on MN Classics and have been laughing so much I stopped breathing several times. It has been good therapy for me but I'm a bit gutted I've finished reading all 17 pages.

Firstly, what classic thread?

Secondly, I'm glad you are feeling at peace with what's happened. I'm sure it's perfectly normal to not feel excited / attached yet. Very much wishing you a smooth pregnancy and I'm sure your daughter will love her new sibling when he/she arrives. Keep updating us please.

Thank you so much for your support @pinksquash13

I guess it's hard to get attached when you've suffered so much loss. I'm hoping after ghe next scan I'll start to relax a little bit send begin bonding with this baby.

The thread I was referring to was this one on Classics. It's 17 pages long and I read every post. Almost all of them were utterly hilarious.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/4043825-What-s-the-most-mortifying-situation-you-ve-ever-found-yourself-in

Oh my goodness!! Just came back on here for the first time in a while and had missed all of your updates. That is almost unbelievable! So sorry it has been such a turbulent time for you yet again. You could honestly write a book with this story, it might be nice for your children to read one day. Such a crazy run of luck/bad luck. I hope you have the most drama-free pregnancy now and it all goes smoothly, you definitely deserve it ❤️

[quote Squiff70]Thank you so much for your support @pinksquash13

I guess it's hard to get attached when you've suffered so much loss. I'm hoping after ghe next scan I'll start to relax a little bit send begin bonding with this baby.

The thread I was referring to was this one on Classics. It's 17 pages long and I read every post. Almost all of them were utterly hilarious.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/4043825-What-s-the-most-mortifying-situation-you-ve-ever-found-yourself-in[/quote]
You're right @Squiff70 that thread is epic.

Hope you're feeling ok and doing well.

Hi @zippiyzip, thanks for asking after me. I've been very very unwell for the last 9 days. Been to the doctors three times in the last week but they can't find much wrong. They were talking about admitting me to hospital last Thursday but have adopted the 'watch and wait' approach which is frustrating because I don't know what's wrong.

Oh no. What are your symptoms - we may be able to help if we've been through similar. Hope you're ok x

Just see your other thread @Squiff70

Massive congrats. You deserve a decent dose of happiness 💕

Thank you @zippityzip. I'm now sobbing my heart out after receiving the news that my closest friend's two year old daughter is critically ill. She's really really poorly and I'm terrified for her.

How are things

@Squiff70 How is everything?

Hi, thanks for asking after me!

Now 32 weeks in, expecting a little boy in August. He looks to be doing well but is measuring big. I've been warned he's probably going to be a chunk. As long as he's a healthy chunk...

The pregnancy has been interesting to say the least. It's unlikely I'll ever forget how I felt in those very early days when I started this thread. I was absolutely paralysed by fear and so utterly conflicted about my feelings of 'relief' over the VTS. I had HG for the first 16 weeks which gradually trailed off. Apart from being completely floored and unable to get off the sofa in the first trimester, I've had horrendous hayfever, a very violent cough which lasted nearly 3 weeks but wasn't covid (apparently) but landed me in hospital, a nasty sinus and throat infection which also landed me in hospital, and very unusual skin rashes (ongoing) which no doctors have been able to explain. I've had eye problems, a horrendous bout of thrush which took 3 weeks to clear up, severe hip pain and a whole host of other things besides. Now I'm coming towards the end of the pregnancy, I'm only just starting to feel slightly more human. That won't last when I have a newborn to look after (as well as a toddler!).

Apart from all that (!) things are hunky dory.

Thank you again for asking!😊

@Squiff70 I'm so pleased to hear you're both doing well!! I'm 31 weeks currently so we'll be due around the same time! Sounds like you've had a rough ride in terms of sickness through the pregnancy, but hoping these last few weeks will be easier sailing for you! 🤞🏼

Thread update, after many months (sorry for resurrecting a zombie!).

Our son was born happy and healthy by planned C-section at 39 weeks in mid August. He's an absolute joy and I wouldnt change him for the world - we are completely besotted with him!😍