Crippled with anxiety that it might be twins again *TRIGGER WARNING*

[Squiff70]

Please forgive me for this post but let me explain.

In January 2019 we lost twins at 19 weeks due to placental abruption. It was truely horrendous but we were determined we would love to be parents, so we tried again, conceiving in June the same year. Yep, twins a second time. Just before 23 weeks I went into spontaneous labour and delivered our babies. After four days our son passed away but after an awful lot of help and treatment, our little girl survived and is now a healthy and happy two year old. She spent 5.5 months in NICU and 7.5 months in hospital in total. IT WAS HELL and we nearly lost her several times.

Fast forward to today. I'm 4 weeks pregnant (found out on Sunday) and since then I haven't slept through fear that I might be carrying twins a third time.

I am not functioning. I am SO tired, sick, have very sore breasts and utterly, utterly drained. I go to bed about 11pm but am wide awake by 2.30am and don't get back to sleep. My partner is working all weekend and I need to look after our little girl but I can barely even lift her I'm so weak.

Is it worth asking my GP for an HCG blood test? I can't face waiting for a scan and even if I could be scanned today, which I can't, then I wouldn't want to look at the monitor just in case.

You must be asking why not twins again. I wouldn't cope mentally or physically with two babies (potentially) as well as our daughter. DP says "people do cope and you'd be fine" but he gets to escape to work. It's not like that for me. Apart from 2.5 hours of nursery once a week I care for our daughter 24 hours a day, 7 days a week and have done since she came out of hospital with no breaks. I just wouldn't cope with another two children. I have physical health problems as well as PTSD and depression and this is killing me.

I can't do this.

Would it help to talk the people who helped your daughter survive in the NICU? I'm thinking maybe someone who has seen what you've gone through and who you've been able to trust could be a good source of reliable facts to make a decision off. And no, you're not a monster for hoping nature resolves your issue so you don't have to make an awful choice.

@Isonthecase I could do - I'm friends with two of the NICU nurses who looked after our little one and could easily approach either of them for advice or comfort, but I really don't want to tell many people about this at the moment. I ended up spilling all to a friend on the phone this morning as I was a bit emotional after DP left for work. She was very supportive and agreed with what my other friend had said yesterday.

It's an impossible situation but for now it's totally out of my hands. Either twin B is viable or not and we have to prepare ourselves for both eventualities. DP has been home since 4pm and the pregnancy hasn't been mentioned once today. I think we're both trying to work through it individually as well as a couple which is absolutely fine.

A lot of you have asked if I can have counselling and the short answer is probably. I was already on a waiting list for counselling before getting pregnant but whilst on the list I has surgery on my neck and lost my voice for 6 weeks. I emailed them and asked them to move me further back on the list and thry agreed they'd move me back to the front once I could talk. I can now so over the weekend I'll email them and ask them to get in touch.

Is it worth a meeting with your consultant from last time to discuss your options? Is there anything they'd suggest this time perhaps such as bed rest past a certain point? Not ideal with your daughter obviously, but perhaps something could be worked out?

@NotVictorianHonestly not a chance, no. The consultant obstetrician was and is a complete knob. We bumped into him in the corridor just after our son died so we told him and his reply was "yes well, that's what happens when you're born at 23 weeks" and walked off.

The less I have to do with him the better but unfortunately I have to be under him for this pregnancy too. I'm not even sure he'd be supportive of a selective reduction. In fact I very much doubt it.

Oh goodness I'm so sorry you were treated so inhumanely. Is it possible to opt for care at a different hospital given the circumstances?

There isn't another hospital with maternity care anywhere near where we live.

I've read some crazy threads since joining this forum, but this one is definitely up there.

Usually I'm apologising on other threads for fertility issues, but I genuinely feel compelled to apologise that you're having twins for the 3rd time round. What a struggle; I hope the pregnancy ends up being a better experience than the previous two.

@Squiff70 I’m so sorry to read your latest update. I’m a twin mum and I completely understand your reasoning, especially given your history. Your consultant sounds awful and I’m sorry you don’t have the option to change. Hopefully the care you receive from your midwives will be better. I wonder if you could request a telephone appointment with another consultant in the same district, to get a second opinion?

I hope that whatever happens this time that you have a smoother time than previously. I think it’s a good idea to take some time to think things through, and gather some information from NICU nurses etc as suggested upthread. Will be thinking of you.

@Squiff70 sending my very best to you.

The obstetrician . It’s not as if a 23 week delivery was your fault, fgs. How do these people still have jobs??!

I'm so sorry the consultant said that to you. Totally unacceptable. Sending you lots of love at this time.

Christ what a dick. Sorry.

What an arse!!

[quote Squiff70]@NotVictorianHonestly not a chance, no. The consultant obstetrician was and is a complete knob. We bumped into him in the corridor just after our son died so we told him and his reply was "yes well, that's what happens when you're born at 23 weeks" and walked off.

The less I have to do with him the better but unfortunately I have to be under him for this pregnancy too. I'm not even sure he'd be supportive of a selective reduction. In fact I very much doubt it.[/quote]
Such an inhumane response, are there other consultants?

@ChristmasPlanning no, he's the only consultant who looks after (and I use that team loosely) high risk pregnancies.

DP and I have had quite a long chat about things this evening and we're really in a bad place with all this. It's just an impossible situation and we can't find it in ourselves to be happy or positive about any of it.

I've arranged for us to speak to a bereavement counsellor on Tuesday afternoon and we've agreed we need to make several phone calls tomorrow - to the EPU to ask if they can book a scan for when our daughter is in nursery a week on Wednesday, to the midwife to advise her of the scan, to Tommy's for advice on obstetric care and to my semi-retired psychiatrist who knows me and of our history very very well.

Big days tomorrow and Tuesday. We're just so emotionally exhausted.

I've been following OP. I haven't posted because I didn't feel I had anything helpful to say. But now I just wanted to say that I really feel for you. I hope that speaking to all those professionals can really help. Plus, please, stop apologising for how you feel. I'm one of those who has had a loss, and bad news at a scan of an unviable pregnancy. I still completely understand you thinking it would be best if one wasn't viable. You do not need to apologise for how you feel. Good luck.

Gosh, you e been through so much. I’m so sorry for your losses but am glad you have found support via MN.

@coastergirl thank you so much for your support and I am so truly sorry for your losses.

Hope today went well and tmr is going to be as planned.
I am sure you are emotionally exhausted... Big hugs x

@MaternityNurse007 I don't know about that yet. Two things have happened today.

Firstly, I rang the EPU this morning and explained the situation. They allowed me to book a scan for next week when our daughter will be in nursery.

Secondly, my new midwife got in touch this afternoon by text. I asked her to call me and she did straight away. I explained again and she was lovely. She asked if I was under a consultant yet and I said no, but didn't want to be under the one I had last time (for reasons mentioned earlier in the thread). She said she'd arrange something for ASAP and will ring me in the morning with an appointment to speak to somebody about our options.

The ball is moving.

Lovely to hear that at least the ,,ball is moving. "
Hang on there love, there are some good people to support you whatever you choose or whatever will happen. (Do NOT put up with idiots,life is too short indeed.)

Just remember: After a rain there is always a rainbow xxx

So glad your midwife sounds good.

Sending positive thoughts your way

What a time if it you've had! Sending strength.

[quote Squiff70]@MaternityNurse007 I don't know about that yet. Two things have happened today.

Firstly, I rang the EPU this morning and explained the situation. They allowed me to book a scan for next week when our daughter will be in nursery.

Secondly, my new midwife got in touch this afternoon by text. I asked her to call me and she did straight away. I explained again and she was lovely. She asked if I was under a consultant yet and I said no, but didn't want to be under the one I had last time (for reasons mentioned earlier in the thread). She said she'd arrange something for ASAP and will ring me in the morning with an appointment to speak to somebody about our options.

The ball is moving.[/quote]
I'm so glad you've managed to take back some control of this. I really hope you get a consultant that isn't an arsehole. I'm all for brutal honesty but that man was nothing but a prick.

Hopefully your midwife stays on the ball. Don't be scared to chase her if not.

How are you feeling now?

@Squiff70 I've been following your thread and didn't want to come across as insensitive but now you've said about twin B's viability I just wanted to share my own experience of Vanishing Twin Syndrome. I had an IVF DCDA twin pregnancy and mine always measured only a few days apart of each other at a 6 & 7 week scan, both with good heartbeats. At 9 weeks I temporarily lost my extreme nausea and knee something was wrong so went for a private scan to find twin b's heart had in the last few days stopped beating. I was really naïve as to how common loosing a twin in the first 12 weeks is (I seem to remember 30-35% chance?). In my eyes now it all happened for a reason. I'm 39 weeks this week with my survivor. I just wanted you to be aware of it after such a difference in fetus size and if it does happen, how common it actually is in multiple pregnancies. Sending you all the best

How did it go today @squiff70? Did the midwife get back to you?