My boyfriend wants to terminate our pregnancy

[emilyh1]

I found out I was pregnant this week (very early - clear blue says 1-2 weeks) but my boyfriend seems dead set on terminating the pregnancy.

We're both 30, have stable jobs and on the face of it could make this work. He's a really great man and we have an amazing relationship. However, we've only been together for 5(ish) months and live separately.

It wasn't planned, but I feel excited about the prospect of seeing this through. My friends have babies and I feel ready, but I don't have the means (financial or, to be honest, emotional) to do this alone.

What do I do?

Well he’s a fucking idiot for not wearing a condom if he didn’t want to risk a pregnancy. But he’s not unreasonable to not want to have a baby with someone he’s only known 5 months. He has absolutely no say over whether you keep the baby or not, though - it’s your body and completely up to you.

I think the sensible thing to do would be to terminate because you really don’t know someone properly after 5 months - he might turn out to be a dickhead you really don’t want to be tied to for life through a child. And you admit you don’t think you’d cope with single parenthood. In an ideal world, if you had the baby he’d step up financially and practically and do his bit as a father even if you split up, but you can’t guarantee he will, or compel him to do that.

It’s up to you at the end of the day - whatever he or anyone else thinks it’s your body and your life.

It's not good that he agreed with your ridiculous contraception method on the proviso that you'd have an abortion if (when) you got pregnant. Abortions are traumatic, both at the time and long term.

Ok can we not come on here with the moralising misinformation. Abortions are not traumatic for everyone. Plenty of people have one and feel nothing but relief. It is not a universal truth that everyone regrets them or is upset by them, so don’t let that sway you OP.

Sounds very much like you wanted to get pregnant. 🙁

This shouldn't be about what you want it should Only be about what is best for your future child. There is nothing wrong with raising a child as a single parent but it's a shit move to have a baby knowing their father doesn't want them. It's better to wait until you are in a relationship with someone who also wants a child or make a decision to have a kid without any father on the scene. Having kids is difficult - you need to at least try and make sure you have the cash and support around you to make things as easy as possible.

You and your partner were really dumb to mess around with contraception. Having a kid is a really really important decision.

Wouldn't you prefer to wait and have a child when you are ready.

@TedMullins

*It's not good that he agreed with your ridiculous contraception method on the proviso that you'd have an abortion if (when) you got pregnant. Abortions are traumatic, both at the time and long term.*

Ok can we not come on here with the moralising misinformation. Abortions are not traumatic for everyone. Plenty of people have one and feel nothing but relief. It is not a universal truth that everyone regrets them or is upset by them, so don’t let that sway you OP.

I must agree with this. I have had many pregnancies. 2 were unplanned and were terminated, I was fine with that. I would say that the 13 miscarriages (planned pregnancies) and 6 live births were in their own way more traumatic.

An abortion when chosen for the right reasons by the right person..the carrier... is not always as tragic as some would have us believe.

@TedMullins

*It's not good that he agreed with your ridiculous contraception method on the proviso that you'd have an abortion if (when) you got pregnant. Abortions are traumatic, both at the time and long term.*

Ok can we not come on here with the moralising misinformation. Abortions are not traumatic for everyone. Plenty of people have one and feel nothing but relief. It is not a universal truth that everyone regrets them or is upset by them, so don’t let that sway you OP.

While you are right terminations are not traumatic for everyone, the problem is you don't really know how it will affect you until you've done it and if you're excited about the pregnancy and considering abortion because your partner wants it, there's a high chance it could cause more problems than solve. I also had a ln abortion and have never looked back but I really didn't want it

Gosh, no contraception, sex at a fertile time and no map. I’m not sure either of you can call it an unplanned pregnancy, not unless neither of you understand the implications of having unprotected sex and how pregnancy occurs?

It’s almost as if you were both trying to conceive.

Abortions are for women who don’t want to be pg. op is happy to be pg.

The MAP isn’t 100% guaranteed to work either.

He could’ve worn a condom but everyone’s blaming op.

@Fluffycloudland77

Abortions are for women who don’t want to be pg. op is happy to be pg.

The MAP isn’t 100% guaranteed to work either.

He could’ve worn a condom but everyone’s blaming op.

Abortions are for a whole plethora of reasons. Many women abort desperately wanted babies because of medical abnormalities, for instance.

Now, I'm not for a moment suggesting that OP should abort in this situation, but I do think you're wrong to say, 'abortions are for women who don't want to be pregnant'.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

You need to consider the worst case scenario.

You have the baby alone, you are skint, reduced working capacity and you have to co-parent and share your child with a man you’ve only known a few months and who doesn’t actually want to be a father. That will mean either a child who spends their life feeling rejected by one of the most important people in their lives (I’m raising two of those- it’s not fun to see) or the child will be yo-yo-ing between your house and dads house. Potentially going back and forth to court as finitum if dad is one of those types.

Unfortunately this is all true.

All these people predicting the future. We do not know!!! Everybody’s experience is different. Only you can make this decision OP. However, this is not a clear cut case of either or. It’s not have a baby now with risky fatherhood and all the fun and games that entails or have a baby later with secure fatherhood and everybody lives happily ever after. The only choice that is certain is the one you have in the here and now. If you terminate now, there is no guarantee you’ll get your fairly tale. You could still end up with nothing. Eg, you might not be able to conceive again, you might never meet that perfect partner, you might not meet another partner at all…. anything. I’d bank mate. Take what you have now if you want a baby. Or consider what would your life be like if you never had children. Could you bear that?? I got pregnant at 32. With a feckless, violent, troubled, immature twat of a man. He has never ever been in Ds’s life. And we have been totally fine. Actually maybe preferable to doing it as a couple. Definitely preferable to life with him!!! Ds is now 19 and is totally wonderfully ok. Basically, you don’t have a choice between two certain options. You have one choice on the table and a shitload of uncertainty on the other. Just rely on yourself to make this decision. You want a baby? Have your baby.

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

1) it’s not “our” pregnancy- it’s your pregnancy. Men can’t be pregnant.

2. your boyfriend can’t terminate your pregnancy. Only you can do that. And only if it’s what you want.

Yes this.

If you want this baby then have it. He should have taken precautions if he didn't want children. An abortion is not a method of birth control for men who don't want to wear a condom.

@Fluffycloudland77

Abortions are for women who don’t want to be pg. op is happy to be pg.

The MAP isn’t 100% guaranteed to work either.

He could’ve worn a condom but everyone’s blaming op.

What an awful thing to post. Surely you do not think this? Seriously you cannot

Abortions are for so many reasons, be it thr health of the mother, the predicted life health of the baby, inability to provide and care, relationship or life problems.

How in this day and age think that abortions are just for women who don’t wish to be pregnant?

Both of you sound like daft teenagers. The immaturity displayed is staggering.

I would go ahead with pregnancy and get rid of guy. In many ways, parenting alone is easier. I'm not pro-life either, I've had a termination and I'm not psychologically scarred for life by it. I just think you can do this, from what you've said. Good luck.

So what's he going to do OP if you don't agree to terminate?

OP, you've said in the other thread you started about your pregnancy:

My lifestyle is definitely still very 'young' - my friends/boyfriend and I are very sociable, but if the pregnancy is viable I plan on moving back to the countryside where I'm originally from x

Does this plan to return to the countryside factor in the baby's father or have you already decided that your relationship with your boyfriend is no longer tenable?

Do you plan to move back home to live with family - would they welcome this and for how long? Would there be room for you and a baby?

Could you afford to rent a place on your own for you and a baby?

What job opportunities are there in your field of work if you were to return to the countryside and how would you afford rent and living expenses if you have no job?

How much contact with your child might your boyfriend have if you move out of London?

Have you thought any of this through?

Abortions are for so many reasons, be it thr health of the mother, the predicted life health of the baby, inability to provide and care, relationship or life problems.

Chill out, pp meant no malice. A
She's saying if op is happy and sounds excited to be pregnant she shouldn't feel pressured

I swear people love to be offended. It's really clear why she meant, this thread is not related to tmfr whatsoever. We all know it exists and it's very sad.

Ultimately abortion is for those who've decided continuing the pregnancy is not what's best for them or their potential child, for whatever reason.

The only relevant question is "am I ready to be a single mother".
I think women in general need to accept the reality in this situation.
The burden on contraception DOES weigh heavier on women.
It's really easy to be an uninvolved father. Just don't be around for anything and leave the mother to it. Maybe pay child maintenance when you're told to.
That's why a lot of men who do not want children will willingly have (essentially) unprotected sex.
You're the one who will be giving birth. After the baby comes, there is no point where you can just hand it to someone else and walk away without repercussions.
The drive that a lot of women have to raise children just does not seem to be present in most men and the pretense that it is is what leads to these situations.

@YungWaffle

The only relevant question is "am I ready to be a single mother". I think women in general need to accept the reality in this situation. The burden on contraception DOES weigh heavier on women. It's really easy to be an uninvolved father. Just don't be around for anything and leave the mother to it. Maybe pay child maintenance when you're told to. That's why a lot of men who do not want children will willingly have (essentially) unprotected sex. You're the one who will be giving birth. After the baby comes, there is no point where you can just hand it to someone else and walk away without repercussions. The drive that a lot of women have to raise children just does not seem to be present in most men and the pretense that it is is what leads to these situations.

Surely the only relevant question is what is best for any future child. I think it’s best to at least try and optimize things so the child will have as good as life as possible. There is nothing wrong at all with being a single parent or a skint parent or whatever but to have a baby when you know the ‘Dad’ doesn’t want it seems to be setting things up for that child to have problems.

A lot of Mumsnetters only seem to think about the mothers desire to have a baby.

@DontBeCatty
I thought that was covered by the "single mother" thing.
One of the caveats is that you need to be able to fill the void that an absent parent will leave.
I suspect few people are capable of that, but I also suspect that most single mothers, if you asked them, would profess to have done an adequate job.
It's sort of pointless to bring up.

Congratulations on your pregnancy, OP. It sounds as though you want this baby.

There’s a lot of judgment on here as there always seems to be on this website, so I’m not sure it’s the best place to be asking for advice. Can you have some counselling? I think it would be a really good idea to talk this through with someone non-judgmental and impartial.

The questions to ask yourself are:
Do you have a supportive family who could help with childcare? Could you move near them? Philippa Perry says the genders of the people who raise a child aren’t as important as having a strong adult support network around the child so that they feel loved.

Do you think you could give this child a happy stable life without their dad being around? Plenty do. Also plenty of women have useless partners who contribute to a toxic home environment. An absent dad isn’t always the worst thing in the world, but think about how you might provide stability and security for your child.

Ask yourself how much do you want this baby? Could it be your last chance to be a mother? Are you likely to find an abortion traumatic? Or will you find single parenthood more traumatic? What do you want from your life?

I really think counselling would be a good idea before you make this decision. Whatever you choose, I hope you’re ok. Pregnancy is such an emotional time and I hope you have people in your life who can support you through this x

I think just be very aware that (contrary to a couple of posts upthread) real life isn’t like Friends or Sex and the City where the woman tearfully decides she’s going to ‘keep the baby’ and then when the baby’s born the father comes round and the couple reunite and live happily ever after. Pregnancy, childbirth and early parenting are not romantic. They are frequently disgusting, exhausting and brutal and in my experience put a huge amount of strain even on the strongest relationship. That’s why lots of relationships do break down and lots of men do opt out.

If you want the baby, have it - but as loads of other posters have said, only do it if you’re ok with being a single parent. Maybe go on the lone parents board on here to get an insight into what it can be like.

Sounds like the OP wanted to get pregnant.

How old are you OP?

If you have an idea of being a mum in a happy family, just bear in mind that if your boyfriend disappears (very likely) any future partner / husband will need to be a step dad. Future siblings will be half siblings.

Women have happy successful families as single / formerly single mums, of course they do, but it is as well to think through all ramifications before deciding to go ahead.

I'm surprised you weren't using condoms in a reasonably new relationship, from a health perspective never mind pregnancy risk.

Not only that the OP has unprotected sex with every partner. Were you not worried about STI’s? The rhythm method is not a method of contraception, not with someone you’ve known 5 months.