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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My boyfriend wants to terminate our pregnancy

151 replies

emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 12:18

I found out I was pregnant this week (very early - clear blue says 1-2 weeks) but my boyfriend seems dead set on terminating the pregnancy.

We're both 30, have stable jobs and on the face of it could make this work. He's a really great man and we have an amazing relationship. However, we've only been together for 5(ish) months and live separately.

It wasn't planned, but I feel excited about the prospect of seeing this through. My friends have babies and I feel ready, but I don't have the means (financial or, to be honest, emotional) to do this alone.

What do I do?

OP posts:
KatyAnna · 27/11/2021 14:17

I was pregnant with my DD age 30. I was married, we had our own home etc etc. He met someone else and left pretty soon after she was born. So I had definitely not planned on being a single parent. I personally loved it. My DD is at uni now. So I guess my point there is that you can think you have the ideal set up and then end up without it.

The mistake I made after that was getting into another relationship when DD was four. That did not work, aside from having DS, so I ended up bringing up two children pretty much myself. DS’s dad was a difficult man, and the co-parenting took a lot of effort and legal engagement, but we have ironed things out more now and it is more settled.

So it has been both wonderful and difficult, but I am glad I had the opportunity to have both my DC. I am not sure that helps at all. I guess I was pretty clear in my own head that I wanted DC, so I have always taken the view that I wanted DC, so I needed to work things out for them, regardless of the difficulties.

AnotherEmma · 27/11/2021 16:21

You're the one who's pregnant, not him. Just because the embryo (I think it's an embryo at this point, not a foetus yet) has 50% of his DNA doesn't give him the right to a say in whether you continue or terminate the pregnancy. Your body, your pregnancy, your choice.

You haven't said whether the pregnancy is a result of a contraceptive failure, but if he didn't wear a condom, he should have known there would be a risk of pregnancy.

As everyone else has said, the relationship is most probably over. Either way, you need to make this decision on the basis that you'll be a single parent. If he decides that he wants to be involved after all, that'll be a bonus, but don't count on it, as it's not likely.

If you decide to continue the pregnancy, give baby your surname and don't put him on the birth certificate. He'll have to pay child maintenance whether he's on the birth certificate or not.

EdgeOfTheSky · 27/11/2021 16:34

I agree: make the decision for YOU, based on your life.

Maybe discuss with friends or family who are single parents/ two-parent families, rather than with him.

You would get child benefit.
There would be child maintenance from him.

What drives your excitement? A vision of you and bf as a little family? What in you would a baby / parenthood fulfil?

ThirdElephant · 27/11/2021 18:58

You haven't said whether the pregnancy is a result of a contraceptive failure, but if he didn't wear a condom, he should have known there would be a risk of pregnancy.

TBH, even if he did wear a condom, he should have known there would be a risk of pregnancy. There's always a risk of pregnancy.

Baileys123 · 27/11/2021 19:07

Sounds like you planned it so he prob feels like you trapped him.
1-2 weeks so you aren't even late yet Hmm

toolazytothinkofausername · 27/11/2021 19:11

@PotteringAlong

Well, to be honest, I think your relationship is probably over one way or another.

If you have the baby, he resents you.
If you terminate, you resent him.

So, remove him from the equation. What you you want?

This.
IncompleteSenten · 27/11/2021 19:12

Well, at the end of the day it's not his decision.
He can be as "dead set on terminating" as he likes but it's your body and he cannot march you to the clinic at gunpoint and demand they perform an abortion on you.

It is your decision.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/11/2021 19:22

@Baileys123 have you seen the state of some men who say they were trapped 😂 I know a short, fat, stoner who says his first kids mum tried to trap him with a baby. Very few men are worth trying to hang onto at the best of times, let alone 5 months in. Talk about internalised misogyny.

What’s the point in early response tests that work before your due if you don’t test before your due? The markets based on women finding out early. Women used to be virtually crowning by the time their drs grudgingly confirmed a pregnancy 60 years ago.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 27/11/2021 19:22

So many great posts so far & lots of different opinions gor you to think about.

The most important thing is that this is your pregnancy, not his. It's YOUR decision, not his.

Your relation is over now, whatever you do, it won't last. Don't terminate in the hope of 'keeping him', the resentment will be terrible and the relationship won't survive it.

Decide, as a single person, what you want to do about your pregnancy. It's neither as easy or as hard to be a single parent as you might be thinking.

Heepers · 27/11/2021 19:53

@baileys123 so unhelpful.

CB digital work from the date of ovulation so she could be just after her period but that's not what she wants advice about, is it?

Original poster
emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 20:07

@Baileys123

Sounds like you planned it so he prob feels like you trapped him. 1-2 weeks so you aren't even late yet Hmm
By that logic, every woman who experiences an unplanned pregnancy is trapping their partner?
OP posts:
2bazookas · 27/11/2021 20:09

I'm afraid you need to stop thinking "OUR pregnancy" "WE could make this work".

Focus on " Do I want to be a single mother, raise a child alone? How could I make that work?

He's already made it clear what he wants. Termination of pregnancy, no responsibility, no commitment, no future home and family together.

KirstenBlest · 27/11/2021 20:09

It's your pregnancy not his.
You choose.

Original poster
emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 20:12

@DiscoStusMoonboots

Hi there, I think I saw an earlier post of yours today too. First of all, congrats! In your other post you seemed quite excited at the prospect of this pregnancy?

As per so many others above, it is your choice above all else. Plan for doing it alone and anything else is a bonus. Did I see you might be able to return home to live with baby and receive more support?

Yes, both me! Very excited to be pregnant, but the thought of doing it alone terrifies me. I always had a vision of going through a pregnancy with a boyfriend or husband where we can both be really excited about the journey, so without that, I'm not sure...

I wish I could wave a magic wand and make us both feel the same about this process

OP posts:
Original poster
emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 20:16

@Ailsa2021

The situation you describe was me nearly 2 years ago. I kept my baby, partner did a runner, he has never met or in any way acknowledged his child. I have no family support either. And even I though I work full time, I struggle financially immensely. Childcare costs, groceries, rent etc etc etc. Constant worrying of not being able to pay the bills on time. Do not underestimate the impact this will have on you mentally. Especially if you are going to be a single parent. It is a hard and often thankless job. You will be responsible for this child 24/7.

I love my kid and I'd do anything for him but if I had known back then how difficult, stressful, and lonely it would be to raise a baby on my own, I don't think I would have continued with the pregnancy. You NEED a lot of family support, especially if your partner does not want to be involved at all, which is likely, you need to be financially secure, etc etc. Take your time to make a decision but don't underestimate how difficult it is to parent a child on your own.

I admire you beyond compare! What you've done is so brave. Thank you for being so honest too - I wish I could just flip a switch and make him as excited about this as I am, but life is never that easy!
OP posts:
Original poster
emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 20:17

@Iwonder08

I would terminate and get rid of the guy
Why do you think I should get rid of him, out of curiosity?
OP posts:
peboh · 27/11/2021 20:21

If you want to continue on with the pregnancy, it's fair to say your relationship will more than likely be over.
Are you prepared to be a single mum? You said you aren't financially in a place to have a child right now, so what do you see that meaning for you if you did? Struggling to get the basics, struggling to keep a roof over your head? Working all the hours to ensure you can? Do you have the support system in place to help you stay in work? You say you're ready, but you also have to look at if you're situation is ready too. Feeling personally like you could have a baby now, is very different to actually having a child in real life.

Original poster
emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 20:21

@Viviennemary

In this case you ned to find out why he is so against this baby being born. Is it because he doesn't want children ever or just he doesnt right now. Thinks you haven't got enough money. Dont let him put pressure on you to have an abortion that you don't want.
He says it's just too soon and, although we're very much in love, we can't be naive to the reality that we don't know where we'll be as a couple in a years time. The difference between us, I suppose, is that I feel ready to take a leap of faith and he doesn't
OP posts:
Original poster
emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 20:24

@TheSmallAssassin

I'm wondering what "feeling ready" means, if you don't think you have the emotional resources to cope?
I feel ready in terms of the phase in my life; being ready to settle down and take up a slower pace of life. However, I truly don't know if I'm mentally and emotionally strong enough to deal with parenthood alone
OP posts:
Cosmos123 · 27/11/2021 20:26

What do you want?
If this pregnancy is terminated then your relationship may end.
You are still.young you can meet someone else and have a child with someone who wants to have one.

However you can also have the baby he may change his mind.
If he don't you can raise it as a single parent which will be OK. Parenting is a hard job but u will cope.

Cosmos123 · 27/11/2021 20:26

So up to you.
Noone can decide for you.

Cosmos123 · 27/11/2021 20:28

Noone knows how they cope.
Do you have family support?

PinkMochi · 27/11/2021 20:28

Why did you test when you’re not even late? Did you intentionally “accidentally” fall pregnant without telling your very very new bf? You say you’re not ready for a baby - practically, emotionally and financially. Can you cope as a single mum?

Cosmos123 · 27/11/2021 20:29

Ps having a child does NOT give you a slower pace of life.
It will be harder as you have more responsibility.

Viviennemary · 27/11/2021 20:33

I think it is very soon. But how he deals with this shows you how he will behave in the future in the event of difficult times. I'd let him walk if thats what he wants to do. Don't be blackmailed into having an abortion you don't want in the hope he will stay. He may very well not.