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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My boyfriend wants to terminate our pregnancy

151 replies

emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 12:18

I found out I was pregnant this week (very early - clear blue says 1-2 weeks) but my boyfriend seems dead set on terminating the pregnancy.

We're both 30, have stable jobs and on the face of it could make this work. He's a really great man and we have an amazing relationship. However, we've only been together for 5(ish) months and live separately.

It wasn't planned, but I feel excited about the prospect of seeing this through. My friends have babies and I feel ready, but I don't have the means (financial or, to be honest, emotional) to do this alone.

What do I do?

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 27/11/2021 21:33

And, sorry OP, but I would have taken the MAP after the incident.

Dunnowhatalltheacronymsmean · 27/11/2021 21:33

Having a baby is lovely. Saying that, for the first few weeks of DDs life my partner and I kept saying to each other two things, first that single parents are fecking stars, second how much of a nightmare it would be to have a baby with someone you weren't happy with.

Maybe read some threads on here from new parents so that you make your decision fully informed of the good and the bad bits!

A friend of mine terminated 8 years ago, a year into a relationship as both felt weren't ready. They're happily together now and had a planned baby last year together. They still think the termination at the beginning of their relationship was the right thing for them to do.

gamerchick · 27/11/2021 21:35

@PyongyangKipperbang

And, sorry OP, but I would have taken the MAP after the incident.
That's common sense though. As the thread goes on I'm thinking the OP wanted to get pregnant. I would have went for the MAP despite the horrendous side effects it causes me.
MeanMrMustardSeed · 27/11/2021 21:37

Ah. Not such an accidental pregnancy after all.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/11/2021 21:43

Surely if op wanted to get pg she’d just have lied about what days to have sex on.

cadburyegg · 27/11/2021 21:47

I'm not going to comment on your choice of contraception because what's done is done but I agree with the comments advising you to plan on raising a child without his input.

I'm a single mum with 2 kids, I didn't intend for this to be my life, I was (well, still am) married to their father and both the children were planned and wanted. And it's really fucking hard. My mental health has never been great anyway, I barely get a moment to myself. But it's not hard enough to make me wish I had never had them. They are my joy in life. But then I am financially ok at the moment, I have to budget but if we were struggling to afford the necessities then it would be a completely different ball game.

thenewduchessofhastings · 27/11/2021 21:49

@PotteringAlong

Well, to be honest, I think your relationship is probably over one way or another.

If you have the baby, he resents you.
If you terminate, you resent him.

So, remove him from the equation. What you you want?

Sadly this is the reality of your situation.I wouldn't personally want a baby with someone I've only been with a few months and haven't cohabited with;it'll put an unbearable amount of pressure on you both.

Your only 30,there is time to meet and settle with someone who's right for you.

Camembear · 27/11/2021 21:49

It’s up to you, it’s your body and your pregnancy. Don’t have a termination you don’t want!

Whatever you do will really test your relationship. It might be more realistic to think you’ll probably be going it alone if you keep the pregnancy.

TractorAndHeadphones · 27/11/2021 21:50

You can't force him to raise a child he doesn't want. Legally etc you can claim CMS , and your body your choice but it's unfair to force that on him.
If you don't think you can be a single mum terminate

Platax · 27/11/2021 21:51

I can sort of see where he's coming from. 5 months is awfully early in a relationship for the massive commitment that having a baby involves. You say you feel ready for it, but that is essentially based on the assumption that the baby's father will be around to support you - and he may well feel that, if the relationship lasts, he will be at that stage in a year or two but it is too risk to make assumptions now.

skodadoda · 27/11/2021 21:59

Call me old fashioned, (true, I’m old 🤣), but this dilemma is the consequence of having sex so early in a relationship.5 months is no time at all to get to know someone let alone have sex with them, ( I’ll put on the tin hat!) I know it doesn’t help OP, just an observation.

crystal1717 · 27/11/2021 22:00

Plenty of people have one night stands, get pregnant and keep the baby. Plenty of marriages start this way.
Not everything is as planned as MN would have you believe.

It's not good that he agreed with your ridiculous contraception method on the proviso that you'd have an abortion if (when) you got pregnant. Abortions are traumatic, both at the time and long term.

Maybe you both wanted to get pregnant and keep it. Assuming he's not the above (the type who thinks, "if she gets pregnant we can just get rid")

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/11/2021 22:07

"If she gets pregnant we can just get rid" does seem to be a school of thought for a certain type of person. Usually, but not always, men who have no idea of the physical and emotional toll that pregnancy, miscarriage or termination has on a woman.

They are not the kind of men to plan a life with...word to the wise.

NovemberNovemberDarkNights · 27/11/2021 22:10

So he was happy to play Russian roulette with condom free (contraception free!!) sex but now you're pregnant he wants you to have a termination... what a prick.

You need to grow up FAST. You're pregnant, you don't suddenly become well off over night you know! House in the country, barefoot & pregnant takes planning, hard work & both of you being on the same page! Not careless with contraception, pregnant to a bloke who wants you to terminate & no lottery win!

ThirdElephant · 27/11/2021 22:11

I tested because both my boyfriend and I wanted to find out ASAP as we knew we'd slipped on one day

Why did you not take an emergency contraceptive pill?

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/11/2021 22:14

@skodadoda

Call me old fashioned, (true, I’m old 🤣), but this dilemma is the consequence of having sex so early in a relationship.5 months is no time at all to get to know someone let alone have sex with them, ( I’ll put on the tin hat!) I know it doesn’t help OP, just an observation.
How old are you exactly, Old Testament old?!? Unless you are activity anti pre-marital sex, 5 months is not exactly leaping into bed. The OPs problem is that she didn’t use birth control.
Ifonlyidknownthen · 27/11/2021 22:26

Astounded that you didn't take emergency contraception given this was a careless moment in time that your were both aware of happening. As pp said, what does feeling ready mean, if you actually aren't emotionally and financially ready? In what way are you ready?
Having a child is very hard, not a matter to go into lightly.

LowlandLucky · 27/11/2021 22:29

Together for a matter of weeks and you think you can bring a child into this relationship ? He has made it crystal clear that he doesn't want a child with you.

Mumadof3 · 27/11/2021 22:33

Such a hard decision but I mean if you are already excited by having the baby and feeling attached I doubt you would be able to live with or maybe even go threw an abortion. Have you ever had one before? I had two kids when I met my current partner. We got pregnant quite quick in the beginning. I already had two myself and him none but I had came out of an abusive relationship so I knew I couldn't have another and I knew i was having an abortion as soon as i seen that test. It was defo the right decision however it was so hard to go threw and really fucked with my mind for a long time. I swore I would never have another remination and Fast forward a few years still with the same man we got pregnant again on contraception and not planned. we kept her as like I said after the experience of having an abortion I never wanted to do it again and he knew that also and agreed regardless of contraception failing ect. Shes now 18 months old and currently snuggled on my chest poorly and we are still together. This is by far the best experience I've had having a baby as hes been an amazing supportive dad. With the first two it was very very hard mentally as I was alone. Just to show either way it's a huge decision and you need to think of you and how you would feel. Not him it's only you that signs the form to terminate and you that has to live with it. You two could terminate be happy with the decision go on to develop your relationship like I did with my partner and have a baby one day but that wont work if you feel an abortion would mess you up as you will always resent him. It was 100% my decision to abort and he said it was my choice but just for the pure fact he really wanted the abortion and would only keep it if we had to made me have some feelings on resentment towards him for a while and that was with me being filled with dread seeing the positive test. Do you think he would stand by you ? Could you live with having a termination as it's still a scan being pregnant for a few weeks most likely and then the process of the termination itself? And could you really do it alone ? It's very lonely dealing with motherhood on your own and mentally challenging to say the least however plenly of women do it and thrive. Biggest advice make this decision for you and you only. Motherhood alone is hard and a termination is hard maybe not as hard as single motherhood for certain people though. Its honestly such a personal decision.

Baileys123 · 27/11/2021 23:14

by that logic she knew what she was doing 😏

Gottahavehighhopes · 27/11/2021 23:25

I agree 5 months is early, I know you said you were planning on moving back to near family in the country. Are you expecting him to make that move if you keep the pregnancy?

Moving somewhere new , and having a baby with someone you've been with for 5 months is an overwhelming prospect

motherofthelittlescreamingone · 27/11/2021 23:36

Bless you. You think that this is a means of catching up with your friends who have babies. That is not a good reason to have a baby. 30 is not old and your relationship is young.

Consider whether you are willing to do this as a single mum and go from there.

AnotherEmma · 27/11/2021 23:39

"our form of Contraception (which we both agreed on) is 'natural cycles' and there was one day this month where we were clumsy, so we both made sure I took a test ASAP"

Not sure 'clumsy' is the word I'd use; careless, probably. It happens, of course. But why on earth didn't you take the MAP? Why didn't he ask you to take the MAP? I really can't get my head around him expecting you to get an abortion when he didn't even encourage you to take the MAP!

It sounds as if you didn't mind at all about "accidentally" getting pregnant, and you were happy to take the risk. The problem is that neither of you seem to have thought through, let alone discussed, the repercussions of a pregnancy.

Have you told him how you feel about being pregnant? Does he know you want to continue and not terminate?

MassiveHoard · 27/11/2021 23:49

Its a bit late for recriminations about MAP. He was aware this could happen so he needs to accept the consequences if you decide to keep it. Your choice. He accepted the risk when you unprotected sex.

toomuchlaundry · 27/11/2021 23:56

I'm surprised you weren't using condoms in a reasonably new relationship, from a health perspective never mind pregnancy risk.