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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My boyfriend wants to terminate our pregnancy

151 replies

emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 12:18

I found out I was pregnant this week (very early - clear blue says 1-2 weeks) but my boyfriend seems dead set on terminating the pregnancy.

We're both 30, have stable jobs and on the face of it could make this work. He's a really great man and we have an amazing relationship. However, we've only been together for 5(ish) months and live separately.

It wasn't planned, but I feel excited about the prospect of seeing this through. My friends have babies and I feel ready, but I don't have the means (financial or, to be honest, emotional) to do this alone.

What do I do?

OP posts:
whynotwhatknot · 27/11/2021 13:00

doesnt sound like eithe rof you are ready but its still your decision not his

he will still have to pay maintenance if youre not together

cushioncovers · 27/11/2021 13:01

Why on Earth do you say single mother like it's not perfectly normal to be one?!

As a divorcee who was left to raise two kids on her own I can tell you it's fucking hard work. I would rather have done it with a supportive partner. Single parenthood isn't something I would have chosen. Just because society accepts it and other people have done it doesn't take away from the fact that my kids have missed out on having a positive male role model in their lives from the one person they should have had it from the most.

Ailsa2021 · 27/11/2021 13:10

The situation you describe was me nearly 2 years ago. I kept my baby, partner did a runner, he has never met or in any way acknowledged his child. I have no family support either. And even I though I work full time, I struggle financially immensely. Childcare costs, groceries, rent etc etc etc. Constant worrying of not being able to pay the bills on time. Do not underestimate the impact this will have on you mentally. Especially if you are going to be a single parent. It is a hard and often thankless job. You will be responsible for this child 24/7.

I love my kid and I'd do anything for him but if I had known back then how difficult, stressful, and lonely it would be to raise a baby on my own, I don't think I would have continued with the pregnancy. You NEED a lot of family support, especially if your partner does not want to be involved at all, which is likely, you need to be financially secure, etc etc. Take your time to make a decision but don't underestimate how difficult it is to parent a child on your own.

Ionlydomassiveones · 27/11/2021 13:13

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

MysteriousSoup · 27/11/2021 13:19

@Lsquiggles

It's not 'our' pregnancy, it's yours. Do what's best for you.
This
CharlotteRose90 · 27/11/2021 13:20

You need to decide if you want to be a single parent. This man has told you what you need to know. He doesn’t want it, obviously if you decide to carry on then hopefully he’d pay his part but I can guarantee he won’t want any access and you will be alone.

5 months is way to soon but sadly it tells you that he doesn’t see it as serious either as if a guy saw it as potentially serious relationship he’d step up regardless of whether he was ready or not.

Only you can decide what’s best for you. I hope you get support from family and friends either way.

Aggy35 · 27/11/2021 13:21

“Why on Earth do you say single mother like it's not perfectly normal to be one?!”

Just because its the norm doesnt mean its ideal. You should aim their kids to have both parents .Life can change your plans ,but it doesn'tean that you should not recognise what's beat for the child and yourself.

ElectraBlue · 27/11/2021 13:22

Your body, your choice.

You might need to raise your kid as a single mum but if you want to have this baby then make the choice that is right for you.

And he will have to pay for the child's upkeep and man up...

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 27/11/2021 13:26

but I can guarantee he won’t want any access and you will be alone.

No, you can’t guarantee it and it’s very naive to think this way. Lots of men see enforcing their “rights” over babies as a way to punish their ex for not doing as she’s told and terminating. It could make for a very difficult life for OP and one that will alter the course of her life irreversibly.

Joystir59 · 27/11/2021 13:27

You are pregnant, you alone get to work out what you want to do about that.

Lasair · 27/11/2021 13:28

You do what’s best for you,

gamerchick · 27/11/2021 13:29

It's up to you but you need to prepare on being a single parent OP. He needs to wear a condom as well to help stop this shit from happening.

CharlotteRose90 · 27/11/2021 13:29

@MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry

but I can guarantee he won’t want any access and you will be alone.

No, you can’t guarantee it and it’s very naive to think this way. Lots of men see enforcing their “rights” over babies as a way to punish their ex for not doing as she’s told and terminating. It could make for a very difficult life for OP and one that will alter the course of her life irreversibly.

It’s not naive to think it at all. He’s told her he doesn’t want it. In my experience guys that say it do a runner and don’t want anything. You are right some guys do try and force access but majority don’t.

It’s up to Op to decide if she wants to be a single parent.

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 27/11/2021 13:33

I disagree- it’s naive to say you can guarantee he won’t want access. (Btw it’s not access- the child isn’t a toy- it’s called contact- and it’s the child who gets it- not the parent)

Pumasonsatsumas · 27/11/2021 13:33

If you want to keep it, keep it.

DiscoStusMoonboots · 27/11/2021 13:34

Hi there, I think I saw an earlier post of yours today too. First of all, congrats! In your other post you seemed quite excited at the prospect of this pregnancy?

As per so many others above, it is your choice above all else. Plan for doing it alone and anything else is a bonus. Did I see you might be able to return home to live with baby and receive more support?

Ijustreallywantacat · 27/11/2021 13:34

If you don't have the means or the desire to do it alone, then I'd have a think about whether you can actually do it. It's very likely that you will have to do it, completely alone. It's whether or not you think you can handle it x

Alfixn · 27/11/2021 13:35

It's a tough situation OP. My sympathies.
I think you have to assume your relationship is now over either way.
So make your decisions based on whether you think you are willing to do this as a single parent. And make a clean break from this guy now. Fresh start.
All the best.

Fluffycloudland77 · 27/11/2021 13:44

He should’ve worn a condom then shouldn’t he? They’ve been around hundreds of years so he must’ve heard of them.

You keep the baby if you want it.

SeniorSchoolShuffle · 27/11/2021 13:46

I'd terminate. I wouldn't want to bring a child into the world whose father actively didn't want them. Blended families are hard hard work and that's what you'd be setting yourself up for eventually as chances are it won't work with this guy.

zafferana · 27/11/2021 13:47

Your body, your choice. But if you can't afford to go it alone and he doesn't want the baby, plus you've only been together a really short time and it looks like this pregnancy is going to break the relationship one way or the other, things are kind of pointing to one conclusion.

In all honesty, you're only 30. You've got time to do this in a stable relationship with someone who actually wants to be a parent with you and that is far better than the situation you're in. Mistakes happen, but don't let this one dictate how the rest of your life goes. Having a baby is hard and I can only imagine how hard it would be without a partner and without sufficient funds.

BurntO · 27/11/2021 13:50

He doesn’t want this baby. You’ve only been with him 5 months. This won’t end happily. I’d terminate as I wouldn’t want to bring a child into this world with a father I barely know, who I’d be tied to for the rest of my life

I think your relationship is over regardless.
Only you can make this choice. But it is YOUR choice l

Strokethefurrywall · 27/11/2021 13:56

Everything @BurntO said.

I’d never want to be tied to someone I didn’t really know as they would be able to dictate a number of different aspects of your life, if they’re an engaged father.

Where you live, if you wanted to move countries etc.

My biggest concern wouldn’t be raising a baby alone, but the relative power over my life that the father would have if he decided to be an active parent (but not be with me).

MaryAndGerryLivingInDerry · 27/11/2021 13:57

@Strokethefurrywall

Everything *@BurntO* said.

I’d never want to be tied to someone I didn’t really know as they would be able to dictate a number of different aspects of your life, if they’re an engaged father.

Where you live, if you wanted to move countries etc.

My biggest concern wouldn’t be raising a baby alone, but the relative power over my life that the father would have if he decided to be an active parent (but not be with me).

Absolutely this.

There are far better circumstances to be a mother in. It’s not just about having a baby, it’s about having this other person being able to control important aspects of your life, for a very long time.

Evelyn52 · 27/11/2021 14:00

It's completely your decision which may feel unfair but it's your body, your risk and your commitment so it has to be your choice, he doesn't get a say. Don't worry about finances too much, if it's what you want you will find a way, millions do and it may not be as hard as you think. Listen to your gut, if you're feeling excited about the pregnancy and the only reasons to end it are because your boyfriend wants you to and you're worried about money, you will likely suffer over that decision greatly. If however you don't want a child have the termination xx