Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

My boyfriend wants to terminate our pregnancy

151 replies

emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 12:18

I found out I was pregnant this week (very early - clear blue says 1-2 weeks) but my boyfriend seems dead set on terminating the pregnancy.

We're both 30, have stable jobs and on the face of it could make this work. He's a really great man and we have an amazing relationship. However, we've only been together for 5(ish) months and live separately.

It wasn't planned, but I feel excited about the prospect of seeing this through. My friends have babies and I feel ready, but I don't have the means (financial or, to be honest, emotional) to do this alone.

What do I do?

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 27/11/2021 20:34

@PinkMochi

Why did you test when you’re not even late? Did you intentionally “accidentally” fall pregnant without telling your very very new bf? You say you’re not ready for a baby - practically, emotionally and financially. Can you cope as a single mum?

I was wondering this too.

FWIW I kept the baby (DH's baby as it were) and he kept to his word about not wanting to be a father then and I've raised DS alone with zero involvement from XH. They've never even met. I had the money, time and childcare resources to be able to do it alone and confidently. If I hadn't I would've seriously reconsidered. It's expensive, exhausting and emotionally challenging and it limited myself for future partners having a young baby. If you're sure you want this baby and can cope with all of the above with him gone then that's your answer. Though if he stays involved but leaves you there's a whole new basket of craziness to deal with (shared custody, CMS, new partners).

Original poster
emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 20:44

@PinkMochi

Why did you test when you’re not even late? Did you intentionally “accidentally” fall pregnant without telling your very very new bf? You say you’re not ready for a baby - practically, emotionally and financially. Can you cope as a single mum?
Most definitely not on purpose, but our form of Contraception (which we both agreed on) is 'natural cycles' and there was one day this month where we were clumsy, so we both made sure I took a test ASAP
OP posts:
ToughLoveLDN · 27/11/2021 20:46

@Cosmos123

Ps having a child does NOT give you a slower pace of life. It will be harder as you have more responsibility.
Literally came here to say that!

Also, I got pregnant 4 months in to my current relationship. I decided to terminate as it was a new relationship. It actually strengthened our relationship and a few years on we have a DD.

Original poster
emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 20:48

@Cosmos123

Ps having a child does NOT give you a slower pace of life. It will be harder as you have more responsibility.
What I meant was I'm ready to move move back to the countryside and out of London's craziness
OP posts:
PinkMochi · 27/11/2021 20:49

@emilyh1 Most definitely not on purpose, but our form of Contraception (which we both agreed on) is 'natural cycles'

Why would you rely on this form of “contraception” with a man you barely know? Fair enough if you’ve been together for years and don’t really mind if you fall pregnant, but you should’ve used hormonal or barrier method with a new man.

This pregnancy does not sound like an accident. If it was an accident then you’d only take a test if you’re a few days late.

crystal1717 · 27/11/2021 20:50

Nothing wrong with being a single parent but it wont come to that. Its almost unsayable on here but its a very very good chance he'll come round to the idea.
Men often can't imagine a baby in the abstract (inside you) and only fall in love with their baby when they actually see them, after birth.

Original poster
emilyh1 · 27/11/2021 20:51

[quote PinkMochi]**@emilyh1* Most definitely not on purpose, but our form of Contraception (which we both agreed on) is 'natural cycles'*

Why would you rely on this form of “contraception” with a man you barely know? Fair enough if you’ve been together for years and don’t really mind if you fall pregnant, but you should’ve used hormonal or barrier method with a new man.

This pregnancy does not sound like an accident. If it was an accident then you’d only take a test if you’re a few days late.[/quote]
It's the form of contraception I've been on for years and, for me, it's always worked. Will I use this again? No.

I tested because both my boyfriend and I wanted to find out ASAP as we knew we'd slipped on one day

OP posts:
whywouldntyou · 27/11/2021 20:52

I was in this exact scenario. I kept it as I was (personally) against abortion. Had the baby and split up. I never, for one second, regretted it, despite being a single mother on benefits. As others have said, take him out of the equation and what do you want?

crystal1717 · 27/11/2021 20:54

Also Ive just read the thread.

Have you never heard this:
Q. What do you call people who use the rhythm method?
A.Parents!

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/11/2021 20:55

Oh - OK - natural cycles is not an effective form of contraception. It’s not for anyone who isn’t prepared to be pregnant. What were you both thinking?!

As previous, it’s your pregnancy not his, so you decide, but you have to assume you’ll be doing it alone. Some of the comments you’ve made about your friends having babies and wanting to move to the countryside, and now the revelation that you weren’t using birth control does add up to the overall impression that you aren’t terribly mature and that you are having a fantasy in your head about a life you don’t have. Anyway, have a think and get some good advice. Parenting alone is fucking hard work.

Luredbyapomegranate · 27/11/2021 20:57

@crystal1717

Nothing wrong with being a single parent but it wont come to that. Its almost unsayable on here but its a very very good chance he'll come round to the idea. Men often can't imagine a baby in the abstract (inside you) and only fall in love with their baby when they actually see them, after birth.
@crystal1717

It comes to that for an awful lot of people. Don’t me a moron.

ShrinkingViolet9 · 27/11/2021 20:57

What I meant was I'm ready to move move back to the countryside and out of London's craziness"

How would moving from London to the countryside sit with your boyfriend, in terms of his employment, maintaining contact with your child, finding work yourself etc?

crystal1717 · 27/11/2021 20:57

Parenting alone is great. Rewarding and lovely.

Newmum29 · 27/11/2021 20:58

Being prepared for a pregnancy is great but preparing for being a parent is completely different. I wouldn’t do it alone either unless I had literally no choice. And natural cycles is not a contraception method at all. You’re extremely lucky not have gotten pregnant before.

PinkMochi · 27/11/2021 20:58

OP you are several years older than me, but you sound like a naive teen/early 20s woman who lives in fantasy land.

Tillymintpolo · 27/11/2021 21:00

Your body, your choice, but not using reliable contraception is insane

CharlotteRose90 · 27/11/2021 21:09

Sorry I also think you planned it . However he’s also to blame and should have used a condom if he didn’t want a child as natural cycles never works as a contraceptive.

He also isn’t your boyfriend anymore, he stopped being that the minute he said he didn’t want the baby. It’s all too much too soon and I don’t think you’ll get the fairytale you’re after with him. It’s still early on so you have a little bit still to make your decision.

HestersSamplerofCarrots · 27/11/2021 21:10

I’m sorry OP, but you don’t sound ready at all to take on the realities of parenthood. Your boyfriend seems to be the only one with his eyes open to things.

MissCreeAnt · 27/11/2021 21:20

It's incredibly shitty of him to go with just charting as contraception and then expect you to terminate.

Gazelda · 27/11/2021 21:26

I think you need to have a conversation with someone you trust that can give you a reality check.

Without wanting to be patronising, I don't think you can truly say you're in love after such a short time and not living together.

And, such a short time into your pregnancy, you're talking about relocating which would be an upheaval in terms of work and social network just when you need stability in both these areas. I know you're not saying you're going to do this, but you seem to have thought about it, so one wonders whether this coupled with your less than reliable choice of contraception might indicate a subliminal wish to get pregnant.

Being a parent is most definitely not a slower pace of life. I think you know that. Perhaps you mean that it will be change of pace.

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/11/2021 21:27

So he was ok with natural contraception on the assumption that you would just terminate if it didnt work? Amazing how he was ok with not wearing a condom until you got pregnant isnt it? and how its all on you when it didnt work.

Yes I would get rid of the guy without hesitation because he is a selfish fucker who is happy for you to take all the responsibility and then go through a traumatic time if it fails (either a termination or single parenthood is traumatic, done both).

This man is not a keeper. As for the baby, you do what you feel is right for YOU as an individual and do not include him in the decision at all.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2021 21:28

@MissCreeAnt

It's incredibly shitty of him to go with just charting as contraception and then expect you to terminate.
It’s incredibly naive to not use contraception and think some new bloke wants to raise a child with you and make a life time commitment.
TinselTitsAndGlitteryBits · 27/11/2021 21:30

The fact that you have to ask a bunch of strangers tells me that you're probably not as ready as you think you are.

If you keep the baby, he is obviously not going to be happy - he may resent you and baby, he may come round.. no one can say for certain.

If you don't feel as though you would be able to cope as a single parent, then maybe having the baby isn't the best idea. He's telling you that he's not ready, the responsibility will fall on you.

Bluntness100 · 27/11/2021 21:30

So he was ok with natural contraception on the assumption that you would just terminate if it didnt work? Amazing how he was ok with not wearing a condom until you got pregnant isnt it? and how its all on you when it didnt work

Yeah, that’s amazing, who’d have thunk some random when offered unprotected sex wouldn’t wish to raise a child with you. Not predictable at all…

PyongyangKipperbang · 27/11/2021 21:32

For the second time this week I will say that natural contraception DOES work if done properly. It means taking it seriously, monitoring all bodily signs and dates etc, its actually a lot of hard work but worth it if other methods dont work. I have used it for years and the only pregnancies I had were planned ones.

The issue with the OP is where they "messed up" and thats when it fails. Which is why I always had condoms on hand for those "Oh fuck it I need a shag!" moments!