SD not accepting of pregnancy

Suprima · 17/11/2021 13:02

@north2south

Hi all,

Hope you're well.

Looking for some advice. This is my first pregnancy and I'm loving it so far. My partner and I are so excited and I'm loving being pregnant! Everything has been a dream apart from one thing... my partner has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's 8 and a half and currently really isn't accepting of our baby. She didn't take the news well in the first place and having just got over that and offering reassurance she's now told her mother she doesn't want to stay with us when they baby arrives! It's really starting to upset both my partner and I. Everything is so lovely and perfect apart from this. I don't understand where this spite for the baby is coming from. I know she's acting out of jealousy and I can't help but feel she is trying to almost make her dad choose between her and the baby (which isn't good to happen). Anybody else had a similar situation? How did you deal with it and did it get easier!? She's the only cause of stress on the both of us right now and it's really wearing us down x

You don’t know where this ‘spite’ is coming from?

Dad is having a new baby, and that baby is going to live with both its parents. That’s something she doesn’t have.

She most likely feels jealous and very sad.

I would try and see things from her point of view and treating her with love and care, rather than seeing her feelings as a ‘cause of stress’ and a fly in the ointment to your happy time.

tribunalconcern · 17/11/2021 13:06

I agree your choice of words isn't great. She isn't "spiteful", she's a child going through a major change and is clearly concerned about her dad favouring a new baby and possibly feeling replaced.

The poor girl needs some support and a lot of love and reassurance from you both.

Try to get her involved in picking out baby things and consider some baby names she likes for example, let her know she's got a wonderful new role as big sister

Coronawireless · 17/11/2021 13:07

Everything is perfect except for this inconvenient stepdaughter who, now that I’m about to replicate, “we” (by which I mean I) wish would just disappear.

Sharletonz · 17/11/2021 13:10

Gosh, spite is definitely not the right word. She's most probably sad she won't have the full on family experience of mother and father together and her being with them full time. You're not a replacement for her mother so she most probably feels this isn't a family unit as such.
Please don't label her feelings as spite. She's projecting out of sadness and probably fear she will get left behind.

peboh · 17/11/2021 13:10

She isn't being spiteful. She's a child, who is more than likely concerned that dad has a new family and when she does stay, she won't be his priority anymore.
This is a huge change for anybody, especially an 8 year old. She needs support, love and reassurance. Not being called out for her behaviour because it isn't how you expect her to behave.

LG93 · 17/11/2021 13:11

How long have you and her dad been together and how pregnant are you?

I'm another who doesn't think she's being spiteful, she's a hurt, upset little girl who is likely very insecure about her place in her dad's life once the new baby is there.

She needs reassurance and stability not to be made to feel like a stressor, even if you're finding it stressful. Perhaps dad could schedule in plenty of 1-1 time with her both now and once the baby is here. I wouldn't force the sleeping over thing either for now I'd hope that if her dad can respect her wishes and keep his end of the bargain by being available for contact and take her out instead of to his If she doesn't want to be around baby straight away that in time she'll settle in to the idea and then baby can be introduced in a neutral environment.

Pebbledashery · 17/11/2021 13:12

I echo what others say, also your post screams of the fact you'd most probably prefer her out the picture so you and her father can play happy families. She sounds like she's an inconvenience to you. Poor kid.

Embracelife · 17/11/2021 13:13

She is 8
She hurts
Read "how to talk so kids will listen"

Bab y isn't here yet
Her dad has time to reassure her
She still comes first
Yes She does

SilenceOfThePrams · 17/11/2021 13:15

I wouldn’t say it’s jealousy. I’d think it’s coming from fear. Fear that she won’t be Daddy’s baby any more. Fear of being replaced. Fear that you are a “real” family now and she will be forgotten and pushed aside. She’s rejecting the baby and your household before you can reject her. Not that you were planning to I’m sure. But 8 yos don’t have the maturity to know that.

Flamingosnbears · 17/11/2021 13:19

It's a massive adjustment for an 8yr old to get their head around from what you have written I think you need to try and see from her point of view perhaps try and include her more, let her have daddy daughter days that sort of thing at the end of the day she's 8 she needs more than anything to feel included - not pushed out.

SleepingStandingUp · 17/11/2021 13:24

Kids can struggle to accept a new baby when it's their full sibling who'll live in the same place as them, let alone Daddy getting to have baby every day and night so not loving or needing her any more.

How pregnant are you? How much contact time doe she have atm? How much of that is spent talking about their sibling? Change of sleeping arrangements?

Viviennemary · 17/11/2021 13:25

Pood child. Having to accept her Dad left, accept his new partner and now accept a baby. You will just have to wait and see what happens

MollysDolly · 17/11/2021 13:26

I think you need to really drill down to what it is she's feeling.

If she's jealous, that's normal. If she's feeling pushed out/replaced/like she will be forgotten and is sad, then you both need to do your utmost to help her through this. Ok, so it's your new baby, but "Wow! You're her sister and the only one she's got! Do you know how important you are?! You are so important for this. I want you to be happy that you've got everything you want for your special job as a big sister, so maybe we can go and get you matching toys, one for her bed, one for yours. And I think it's really important that the big sister chooses her blankets because they are really important and we know you're going to do an excellent job" etc etc.

Alternatively, if she's gone all Verucca Salt and because "that's my daddy not yours and I don't like it and I don't like you" followed by tantrums then her mother and father need to put a stop to that sharpish. Can you imagine if your child started trotting that out at 8? "Go away, DSD, this is my dad" Entirely unacceptable. The world does not revolve more around one child simply because they appeared on the timeline before another. And it's important she doesn't get pandered too, to think that. This baby is an equal.

It's down to you to work out which she's doing. But good luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy

Lampzade · 17/11/2021 13:31

Your dp needs to schedule some father and daughter time
As others have said , your sd fears that things will change and that she will no longer be a priority in either of your lives.
To be honest, I can see why she may have come to this conclusion judging by the tone of your post. Your sd senses your excitement about your little family unit and probably feels that she is not part of that unit, hence her refusing to come to the house when the baby is born
You and your dp have to work harder to make this child feel secure

Lampzade · 17/11/2021 13:32

@MollysDolly

I think you need to really drill down to what it is she's feeling.

If she's jealous, that's normal. If she's feeling pushed out/replaced/like she will be forgotten and is sad, then you both need to do your utmost to help her through this. Ok, so it's your new baby, but "Wow! You're her sister and the only one she's got! Do you know how important you are?! You are so important for this. I want you to be happy that you've got everything you want for your special job as a big sister, so maybe we can go and get you matching toys, one for her bed, one for yours. And I think it's really important that the big sister chooses her blankets because they are really important and we know you're going to do an excellent job" etc etc.

Alternatively, if she's gone all Verucca Salt and because "that's my daddy not yours and I don't like it and I don't like you" followed by tantrums then her mother and father need to put a stop to that sharpish. Can you imagine if your child started trotting that out at 8? "Go away, DSD, this is my dad" Entirely unacceptable. The world does not revolve more around one child simply because they appeared on the timeline before another. And it's important she doesn't get pandered too, to think that. This baby is an equal.

It's down to you to work out which she's doing. But good luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy

Good post

Original poster

north2south · 17/11/2021 13:34

@Suprima I certainly don't see my SD as a fly in the ointment of our special time hence why I'm asking for advice from others who have had a similar situation on the best way to handle this. I've use the word spite as this is the latest in a long list of recent behaviour that has been displayed. We of course have tried to reassure, get her involved and focus our time with her around her. However nothing seems to be working. Again the reason I'm asking to here from others in the same situation.

I've not had to deal with this before so trying to figure out the best way. I'm not looking for your judgement.

OP posts:

MollysDolly · 17/11/2021 13:38

We of course have tried to reassure, get her involved and focus our time with her around her. However nothing seems to be working

What have you tried?

Also, she took the news badly, but then got over it.... What happened?

What behaviour has she displayed?

Original poster

north2south · 17/11/2021 13:39

@tribunalconcern hi! Everything you have suggested is exactly what we are trying to do however seems to be met with a lot of resistance. She has another little sister from her mothers side who she adores so we weren't expecting the behaviour we have been seeing from her. I used the word spite as this is just the latest in a long list of behaviour and sadly that is what it is. Normal for a child to display this behaviour just want to know best way to handle to make it better and get her through it. Thank you for your suggestions! Perseverance will be key I think x

OP posts:

Original poster

north2south · 17/11/2021 13:42

@Coronawireless replicate? I don't think so. Please keep your wild assumptions and unhelpful judgments to yourself. If I wanted her to disappear I wouldn't be looking for advice to make the situation better for all involved.

OP posts:

sofakingcool · 17/11/2021 13:43

[quote north2south]@tribunalconcern hi! Everything you have suggested is exactly what we are trying to do however seems to be met with a lot of resistance. She has another little sister from her mothers side who she adores so we weren't expecting the behaviour we have been seeing from her. I used the word spite as this is just the latest in a long list of behaviour and sadly that is what it is. Normal for a child to display this behaviour just want to know best way to handle to make it better and get her through it. Thank you for your suggestions! Perseverance will be key I think x[/quote]
It's a very different scenario though - her little sister with her mum and her new sibling with her dad as I'm assuming she lives with the sister? She doesn't see her sister spending more time with their joint parent than she does.

It is the way it is, but it's likely to be much harder for her to process

How frequent is contact?

Original poster

north2south · 17/11/2021 13:49

@peboh we have reassured and supported and week after week we have something else. Nothing seems to be working. I've use that word as sadly that is what it is which is normal for children in these situations however after dealing with a long list of things we are thinking of how to manage the situation. Still with showing her love of course but I also don't want to enable her behaviour but her thinking this is the right way to behave when she isn't happy about something x

OP posts:

Coronawireless · 17/11/2021 13:57

[quote north2south]@Coronawireless replicate? I don't think so. Please keep your wild assumptions and unhelpful judgments to yourself. If I wanted her to disappear I wouldn't be looking for advice to make the situation better for all involved. [/quote]
Well then perhaps you should have phrased your op not to sound that way.
A better phrasing might be this:
I am pregnant and my 8 year old SD is finding it tough. Despite the fact that her dad - and of course I - have reassured her that she is very loved and will be a fantastic big sister she is still understandably worried about how her dad might feel about her when the baby is born. Of course we will make every effort to include her and she will see her dad as much as ever. But in the meantime, since she seems quite stressed about it all, what more can we do to help to allay her concerns?

Original poster

north2south · 17/11/2021 13:59

@LG93

Her father and I have been to together 4yrs and I'm 18wks. She already has a 3yr old sister on her mother's side who she adores so I don't think we were prepared for her reaction to us having a baby. We really thought she'd be excited and love having another sibling.

We are absolutely giving her reassurance etc and has no idea of the impact that she's having on us in regards to stress etc - we don't show that to her. We are stressed because we care and we love her and don't want relationships to be impacted.

She doesn't live that close to us so if she doesn't stay over the time they have together will be even more limited. It's not that she doesn't want to come here at all - she doesn't want the baby disturbing her and her sleep and thinks the baby will be annoying and make to much noise x

OP posts:

Original poster

north2south · 17/11/2021 14:00

@Pebbledashery if that was the case why would I bother asking for advice and be keen for a solution? An unhelpful assumption at best.

OP posts:

MollysDolly · 17/11/2021 14:00

If a child is being spiteful though, is OP not allowed to say so?

OP has said, it's not the only emotion that she's expressed.