SD not accepting of pregnancy

[north2south]

Hi all,

Hope you're well.

Looking for some advice. This is my first pregnancy and I'm loving it so far. My partner and I are so excited and I'm loving being pregnant! Everything has been a dream apart from one thing... my partner has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's 8 and a half and currently really isn't accepting of our baby. She didn't take the news well in the first place and having just got over that and offering reassurance she's now told her mother she doesn't want to stay with us when they baby arrives! It's really starting to upset both my partner and I. Everything is so lovely and perfect apart from this. I don't understand where this spite for the baby is coming from. I know she's acting out of jealousy and I can't help but feel she is trying to almost make her dad choose between her and the baby (which isn't good to happen). Anybody else had a similar situation? How did you deal with it and did it get easier!? She's the only cause of stress on the both of us right now and it's really wearing us down x

@WearingPurpleAlready

Be patient op. It's a lot for her to understand. The baby will get to live with mummy and daddy. She hasn't got that and likely never will.

It's very nice you're having a baby. But it isn't a fairy tale. You need to get your head out of the clouds a bit and remember there's already a little girl who is probably hurt and upset.

Patience is absolutely key. She isn't spiteful. I'm sorry, but this is one of those occasions where you do need to prioritise you dsd feelings. I don't often say that on here!

Thanks @WearingPurpleAlready ! But I like having my head in the clouds 😶‍🌫️ it's nice up here 🤣 haha! I get what you're saying completely. We absolutely want to support her and her feelings are so important to us we just want to ensure that we handle in the right way without encouraging certain behaviour in the same respect x

@MollysDolly

What happens when you point out to her, "look how brilliant it is with your (already) baby sister, how exciting you get another"?

Could it be she doesn't adore the baby at her mum's as much as it's made out, that she feels second place to that baby already, and now she's seeing another baby appear, and waiting for the same?

Maybe! She had said things in the past that her mum doesn't love her she only loves "sister " but it's a pinch of salt comment has her mum absolutely dotes on both the girls so again a little bit of jealousy that the attention is now shared. She gets all the attention here so I definitely think there's an element of not wanted to share the attention again x

I think @maiyakat makes a great point that, although she loves her little sister, she is the right age to remember all of the disruption etc that a small baby brings and she genuinely might be worried about all that again. Especially if it's not that she doesn't want to come, it's that she doesn't want to stay over (which I think is what you said, OP?). I think she's old enough for you to have a conversation about that with her and maybe even accept that in the short term she won't be comfortable staying oover as much as that's just how it will be til baby is a bit older. Does she know where the baby will be sleeping and having their stuff stored, is she worried about baby encroaching on her physical space at your house?

@fabulousathome

I would also buy her something very special just for her when the baby arrives.

Something only big girls can have and possibly something she has wanted for a long time.

You can say it's a big sister present from the baby.

That's a cute idea x

Congrats on the pregnancy. It sounds more like DsDS little sister is at a tricky age, at 3 she will be into everything, noisy, maybe breaking dsds stuff etc. Dsd is probably terrified that her former quiet home at dad and SMS is now going to be the same, noisy, no space, having to share or have her stuff broken. That's a lot for an 8 year old to take in as essentially she's been there done that once before. All you can do is keep reassuring her, maybe next time she visits take her shopping to do up her bedroom and make it clear her room is always a baby free space where she can have her alone time without siblings bothering her.

@north2south I complitely understand your feelings. You excited about your first baby and you also take on your partner's child. That is a lot to handle and it must be so difficult. Do not let the situation get you too upset! Yes, she might doesn't like the fact that daddy is going to have an other baby but the of the day you are the parents! She isn't the one who decides where she spends the weekend or when her dad will see her. I also believe she feels like this now but it will propably change when the new baby will be around. She worries about the fact her dad won't have enough love (kids logic) or time for her anymore. You need to make sure they spend enough time together, even if it's forced a little bit at the beginning.

@PensionPuzzle

I think *@maiyakat* makes a great point that, although she loves her little sister, she is the right age to remember all of the disruption etc that a small baby brings and she genuinely might be worried about all that again. Especially if it's not that she doesn't want to come, it's that she doesn't want to stay over (which I think is what you said, OP?). I think she's old enough for you to have a conversation about that with her and maybe even accept that in the short term she won't be comfortable staying oover as much as that's just how it will be til baby is a bit older. Does she know where the baby will be sleeping and having their stuff stored, is she worried about baby encroaching on her physical space at your house?

I think she is worried about the disruption. She doesn't seem to sleep well at home and will be getting ready for bed at 7:30 on a Friday night as she's tired and wants to go to bed. Luckily SD room is the furthest from the baby's room so hopefully will be minimal disruption for her. Yeah she knows the baby will have their own room and she will still have her own space and the baby won't be near her room x

@ShaneTheThird

Congrats on the pregnancy. It sounds more like DsDS little sister is at a tricky age, at 3 she will be into everything, noisy, maybe breaking dsds stuff etc. Dsd is probably terrified that her former quiet home at dad and SMS is now going to be the same, noisy, no space, having to share or have her stuff broken. That's a lot for an 8 year old to take in as essentially she's been there done that once before. All you can do is keep reassuring her, maybe next time she visits take her shopping to do up her bedroom and make it clear her room is always a baby free space where she can have her alone time without siblings bothering her.

Great advice thank you x

But I like having my head in the clouds 😶‍🌫️ it's nice up here

But it isn't all that nice for dsd maybe? Maybe she'd like you to be...the adult, a bit?

Sorry, I'm sure you come across differently irl, but you've gone from rqinbows and sparkles and unicorns to calling an 8 year old girl spiteful and back again. But I think that's maybe just your writing style.

Good luck to you though. I'm sure she will come round and it's great you're finding ways to help her xoxoxoxo❤❤😂😂😂

[quote north2south]@Suprima I certainly don't see my SD as a fly in the ointment of our special time hence why I'm asking for advice from others who have had a similar situation on the best way to handle this. I've use the word spite as this is the latest in a long list of recent behaviour that has been displayed. We of course have tried to reassure, get her involved and focus our time with her around her. However nothing seems to be working. Again the reason I'm asking to here from others in the same situation.

I've not had to deal with this before so trying to figure out the best way. I'm not looking for your judgement.[/quote]
You literally said she is “your only cause of stress right now”. Your post also backs this point up repeatedly?

If you want to play happy families with a man with children- that includes the children that came before. You have a little girl who is hurting a lot right now, and your only concern is the stress she is causing you and how you’d like it to stop.

Other posters have given you a wealth of ideas. I’d read your post back after some thought- it’s impossible to not be judgemental.

If you have the money looking into ways to make her room more quiet and cosy so it's her own space.

Maybe take her and her dad on one of them clay days and do the handprints then say does she want to do another one with her new baby sibling when it's born so she knows she's important too.

@MollysDolly

I think you need to really drill down to what it is she's feeling.

If she's jealous, that's normal. If she's feeling pushed out/replaced/like she will be forgotten and is sad, then you both need to do your utmost to help her through this. Ok, so it's your new baby, but "Wow! You're her sister and the only one she's got! Do you know how important you are?! You are so important for this. I want you to be happy that you've got everything you want for your special job as a big sister, so maybe we can go and get you matching toys, one for her bed, one for yours. And I think it's really important that the big sister chooses her blankets because they are really important and we know you're going to do an excellent job" etc etc.

Alternatively, if she's gone all Verucca Salt and because "that's my daddy not yours and I don't like it and I don't like you" followed by tantrums then her mother and father need to put a stop to that sharpish. Can you imagine if your child started trotting that out at 8? "Go away, DSD, this is my dad" Entirely unacceptable. The world does not revolve more around one child simply because they appeared on the timeline before another. And it's important she doesn't get pandered too, to think that. This baby is an equal.

It's down to you to work out which she's doing. But good luck, and congratulations on your pregnancy

Completely agree with this.

It's totally natural for her to need reassurance, and tbh I think I'd expect her to be nervous and a bit negative until the baby actually arrives and she can see that she still has her own place and is still very much loved and wanted.

But equally, she does need to understand that she will have a sibling. Hopefully her mum would support in reassuring her and not letting her think that she can cancel time with her dad due to the baby arriving.

Hopefully all will be fine once the baby arrives and SD can see that there is a place for everyone and she's definitely not being replaced :)

[quote Tina8800]@north2south I complitely understand your feelings. You excited about your first baby and you also take on your partner's child. That is a lot to handle and it must be so difficult. Do not let the situation get you too upset! Yes, she might doesn't like the fact that daddy is going to have an other baby but the of the day you are the parents! She isn't the one who decides where she spends the weekend or when her dad will see her. I also believe she feels like this now but it will propably change when the new baby will be around. She worries about the fact her dad won't have enough love (kids logic) or time for her anymore. You need to make sure they spend enough time together, even if it's forced a little bit at the beginning.[/quote]
Thank you @Tina8800 🥰 yeah it hasn't been easy. I'm a very rose tinted glasses, positive polly that just wants everyone to be happy! I feel like we are failing with SD situation and I'm in pure fix it mode however she may just need some time to work through her emotions too x

She might feel differently once baby is here, before then her dad should be making sure they have quality time together, she knows she can talk to him without judgement about her feelings and fears and see how it goes. There's still 20 or so weeks until baby arrives, that's a long time when you're a child.

There are some great new baby books you can get for older siblings to help them prepare. I like 'you are all by favourites' and 'you were the first'.

This isn't an uncommon problem in any family dynamic. She already knows what having a new sibling is like. Her DM will have been tired, distracted etc for a while and then there's the baby.

I am sure with time and patience she will come round. A few complements probably wouldn't hurt either. I hope the baby looks like you. I hope the baby is funny like you etc I know it's a bit transparent but she is frightened she's going to be displaced.

You sound like you've got her best interests at heart. Good luck with the new addition

@Suprima yes and that isn't untrue. That's me being completely honest. We are stressed about it because we care. SD doesn't know we are stressed we deal with that privately as a couple. You seem to keep insinuating that I don't want SD to be part of the family and that's never been the case! I want to resolve these issues and stresses so we can be a happy family! All of us! Together! I don't see what's wrong with that! I asked if anyone else had been in a similar situation and how they handled it! You seem to be making out I'm asking how do I get rid of SD!!!

Yes I have read all the ideas and taken a lot in which I'm sure you will see from the comments.

@Sidehustle99

There are some great new baby books you can get for older siblings to help them prepare. I like 'you are all by favourites' and 'you were the first'.

This isn't an uncommon problem in any family dynamic. She already knows what having a new sibling is like. Her DM will have been tired, distracted etc for a while and then there's the baby.

I am sure with time and patience she will come round. A few complements probably wouldn't hurt either. I hope the baby looks like you. I hope the baby is funny like you etc I know it's a bit transparent but she is frightened she's going to be displaced.

You sound like you've got her best interests at heart. Good luck with the new addition

Thank you @Sidehustle99 🥰

@Tabbacus

She might feel differently once baby is here, before then her dad should be making sure they have quality time together, she knows she can talk to him without judgement about her feelings and fears and see how it goes. There's still 20 or so weeks until baby arrives, that's a long time when you're a child.

Very true!! OMG 20wks doesn't seem long away!! Haha just had a little palpitation! 🤣

I would say to ensure DSD that Daddy isn't going to go away, he will still be able to spend quality time with her and she will be just as important as the new baby. Her acting out will most likely be cause she is worrying that Daddy won't have time for her and she will be the second option - believe me i have experienced this first hand with my best friend, her dad moved on and she was awful to him, she hit him in public, accused DSM of stealing her purse.. the list goes on but eventually they grow out of it, it just takes time and perseverance. It might be useful to arrange special days where Daddy takes her out to Costa coffee or something or even if you arrange a little pamper day with her and Daddy has the baby? And on these days I know it sounds bad but try to not talk about the new baby, try to talk about things that are just about the DSD. Try not to let it get to you too much and just think 'it is what it is' after all you need to put yourself and baby first. Also have a listen to the 'Nacho kids' podcast, they have podcasts about couples who have an 'ours baby' it really helped me! (SM and pregnant with an ours baby) good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy

I'm 18wks and she sees him every other weekend

Even if you told her as soon as you found out she really hasn't had much time with her dad in order to process it. Maybe 7 visits? She will likely get much better over time when she realises that her dad still loves her and that she is still really important to him.

It might be that she likes being the centre of attention at your home and doesn't want to be sidelined. That is an adjustment many children face when a new sibling is coming along, and certainly not something unique to blended families. My nephew really didn't want a sibling (he was 6 when DSis was pregnant) and refused point blank to talk about it. He'd walk away or talk about something else if anyone mentioned it. He came round in the end tho!

Could you just be completely normal with her? The usual boundaries around behaviour, lots of normal family activities, plenty of one-on-one time with her dad. Sometimes kids just take longer to adjust than we expect.

I think you should just bypass the comments OP she is 8. If your SD doesn't want to stay don't cause drama... she will eventually change her mind. I think younhave been dramatic though in your first post. "Making your partner choose between your baby and her".

Its not spite.

She''s a little girl whose family broke, Daddy no longer lives with her and Mummy and she misses him.
You can't seriously expect her to be delighted he's found lurv with a new woman (rival for his attention) and having a new baby (another rival for his attention) who, final insult, will have full time contact with HER DADDY. She's only eight, FGS. She's not expected to be rational, adult and grown up . You are.

"she doesn't want the baby disturbing her and her sleep and thinks the baby will be annoying and make to much noise"

She's speaking from  experience of  a baby sibling, of course.   Yes, babies  do all  that and more.   When your baby behaves  like a baby, try to remember, it's not acting out of spite to drive a wedge between you and DP .

You seem to indicate that DSD's behaviour when she's at yours is 'ok', but that she 'reverts' at her mother's. Perhaps she's (rightly or wrongly) feeling 'pushed out' there and is fearful. Or perhaps her mother isn't being 'positive' about your baby. What is the relationship like between your DH and his ex? Because I think one of the best things would be if DSD's mother could be a 'partner' in reassuring DSD that the new baby isn't a threat.

I still don't quite understand what DSD's 'spiteful' behaviour is. Because if it's just saying the baby will wake her up/she won't sleep so she doesn't 'want it' that's probably partially based on her experience with her other sibling. Babies do cry in the night, it can wake the others in the house up. That's not 'spiteful', that's true and 'I don't want it' is an 8 year old's way of expressing it. Refusing to speak to her dad is her way of 'making him prove himself' by being upset or hurt at her refusal to speak to him. Again, not spiteful. A child's reaction.

All you can do is react with love, understanding, and patience. If she acts out physically, obviously that needs a 'penalty' along with reassurance. When she's with you, table any discussion about 'her and the baby' for later unless she brings it up. To say "you will be the best big sister", "let's do X together for the new baby" only reinforces to her that she is not the 'main focus'. There will be time enough for that later, closer to the baby's arrival. Let her feel what she's feeling for now and offer reassurance when he asks for it, either verbally or through her actions. You have time for that.

You will have a lifetime of similar experiences with your own child, trust me, so now is the time to learn. All parents have heard versions of "I hate you" or "You're the worst Mum" or "I'll never speak to you again" to which we have responded with "I love you" and "You're so special to me" and "I'm always here to talk when you feel like it". Of slammed doors and a tantrum or two to which we have responded with conversations, appropriate discipline and 'family rules'.

Spite, WTF.

She's 8, her world is turning up side down, again. Have a little compassion and think what it would be like to have had to come to terms with: separation, new partner, new baby, all with the emotional maturity of an 8 year old.

Something I have learned as my kids have grown up is that even if I am doing everything right, there is not necessarily going to be a quick fix for difficult behaviour. You just have to keep doing what you're doing and not expect her to come around quickly. One idea - consider getting Dad to write her letters in between visits. Even if she doesn't reply I guarantee she will love getting them.