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Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

SD not accepting of pregnancy

107 replies

north2south · 17/11/2021 12:58

Hi all,

Hope you're well.

Looking for some advice. This is my first pregnancy and I'm loving it so far. My partner and I are so excited and I'm loving being pregnant! Everything has been a dream apart from one thing... my partner has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's 8 and a half and currently really isn't accepting of our baby. She didn't take the news well in the first place and having just got over that and offering reassurance she's now told her mother she doesn't want to stay with us when they baby arrives! It's really starting to upset both my partner and I. Everything is so lovely and perfect apart from this. I don't understand where this spite for the baby is coming from. I know she's acting out of jealousy and I can't help but feel she is trying to almost make her dad choose between her and the baby (which isn't good to happen). Anybody else had a similar situation? How did you deal with it and did it get easier!? She's the only cause of stress on the both of us right now and it's really wearing us down x

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Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:02

@SilenceOfThePrams yes I think you have a great point about the fear and the reason she is trying to reject us first. Makes a lot of sense. We are trying to reassure her with this but not getting very far and wondering if we are missing something? X

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Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:07

@Flamingosnbears 100% and that's what we are trying to do. At the moment she doesn't seem to want to be included and keeps removing herself from us. We would never push her out. She's only with us every other weekend and in the meantime the only commutation is through her mother as she will refuse to speak to her dad meaning it's almost impossible to reassure her until she is here. Things are then fine and then goes back to the same routine when she goes home. It's a vicious circle where we have little control x

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iamtheoneandonlyyy · 17/11/2021 14:08

I wouldn't worry about getting her too 'involved' at the moment. I'd focus on just her and remind her over and over that her importance will never be less and that she's still a highly important member of the household.
I'd keep things really calm and normal amd if she's not happy don't rise to it but just keep being consistently calm.
Good luck and congratulations

Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:10

@SleepingStandingUp she has another sibling which is why I think we haven't been prepared for this. I'm 18wks and she sees him every other weekend. Obviously the baby will come into conversation but isn't the sole focus and we don't do any baby planning/organising/shopping while we have her so we can focus the weekend on doing things she wants to do. No change of sleeping arrangements, SD had her own room that will remain hers when baby is here x

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Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:14

@Viviennemary her dad didn't leave her... they separated... and where never properly together, it's very normal these days. I'm not new - we have been together 4yrs, I've been in my SD life longer than out of it and have a great relationship 99.9% of the time. Until baby news happened.

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Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:17

@MollysDolly that is exactly what I'm sensing is the Verucca Salt behaviour! And exactly that I don't want to enable that behaviour. Her feelings are valid but there's a right and wrong way to express your feelings so I want to nurture her in the right way so she knows how to express herself in the right way. I hope that makes sense Smile

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ElvisPresleyHadABaby · 17/11/2021 14:18

Why not let her pick out some bits for baby? A toy or a baby grow, engage with her about what she thinks baby might like, talk about names with her, just make sure she is thoroughly involved and feels listened to.

Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:21

@Lampzade I'm absolutely willing to work harder to reassure however we are running out of ideas and it's extremely difficult when in between stays she won't talk to her dad. So communication is between the mother which with frayed relationships isn't the best. Things are then always great when SD is here and then revert back when she goes home and then we can't speak to her to even reassure. It's all text messages between dad and her mother. Not ideal x

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Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:30

@MollysDolly

If a child is being spiteful though, is OP not allowed to say so?

OP has said, it's not the only emotion that she's expressed.

Thank you!!!
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Maiyakat · 17/11/2021 14:33

I suspect that although she loves her little sister she has enjoyed your house being a place where the focus is on her and now she's going to loose that. She knows from experience that everything will change and things will revolve around the new baby because the baby's needs are greater. Maybe talking about things she can still do with her dad when the baby is born would help reassure her? Otherwise all you can do is give it time and involve her as much or as little as she wants.

Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:34

Because @Coronawireless the advice I'm looking for is how deal with the behaviour that we have experienced, reassure and let her know her feelings are valid but there is a right and wrong way to handle emotions. I want to support her but at the same time not enable this type of behaviour.

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Kanaloa · 17/11/2021 14:37

It’s not rocket science. She sees her dad every other weekend - that’s two days out of every 14. Now here comes a new baby that will stay with him every single day. She will be worried that she is now demoted to part time, less important and less loved than this every day baby. She doesn’t have the same reaction to her other little sister because she sees her mum almost every day and feels secure in that relationship.

ObnoxiousFeminist · 17/11/2021 14:38

She’s not threatened by her other half sibling because she’s also there almost 24/7. Compared to spending just 4 nights a month with her Dad (assuming it’s Fri-Sun). So of course she is frightened.

Almost any negative behaviour from children this young comes from a place of fear, whether we as adults understand it or not.

Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:47

@MollysDolly so lots of reassurance and trying to bring her in on the excitement. Telling her nothing will change with her and dad, will see her just as much etc etc. He has then spent a fair amount of time with her just the two of them so they can talk and he can reassure her on his own (we know it's not about me).

So she eventually came around but when we told her we didn't see her for 4wks. Apart from when she finally agreed to see her dad one Sunday. She refused to talk to him on FaceTime or anything within that time so we were completely stuck and couldn't communicate with her at all.

The behaviour is complete resistance and removal of herself, and refusing to speak to dad as above. She has also now refused to come away with us for Christmas as well which was just before she then told us she didn't want to stay when baby comes. She knows that will upset dad x

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ObnoxiousFeminist · 17/11/2021 14:48

It’s not about Dad, or how upset he is.

It’s about this child and how she is feeling.

Gazelda · 17/11/2021 14:50

I think that all you can do is be consistent.

Your love is unconditional. She may say hurtful things or behave in ways which you don't like, but the day will always end with a loving hug.

And maybe try to introduce a hobby that she and dad do together and includes plans for some point in the future. Eg get them baking together and book tickets for a bake show 6 months into the future. Demonstrate that she'll always be his first girl and that will never change.

WearingPurpleAlready · 17/11/2021 14:54

Be patient op. It's a lot for her to understand. The baby will get to live with mummy and daddy. She hasn't got that and likely never will.

It's very nice you're having a baby. But it isn't a fairy tale. You need to get your head out of the clouds a bit and remember there's already a little girl who is probably hurt and upset.

Patience is absolutely key. She isn't spiteful. I'm sorry, but this is one of those occasions where you do need to prioritise you dsd feelings. I don't often say that on here!

Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:58

@sofakingcool yeah I see your point but she does still see her sibling with both their parents everyday and seeing her with her dad. Both situations are hard in their own way and I do understand it will be difficult for her. We will 100% support her I just want to find a way without also condoning some of her behaviour of that makes sense. We have her every other weekend and dad tries to talk to her frequently in the week but isn't always allowed to x

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Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 14:59

@iamtheoneandonlyyy

I wouldn't worry about getting her too 'involved' at the moment. I'd focus on just her and remind her over and over that her importance will never be less and that she's still a highly important member of the household. I'd keep things really calm and normal amd if she's not happy don't rise to it but just keep being consistently calm. Good luck and congratulations
Great advice! Thank you and thank you for your congratulations ☺️ x
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Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 15:01

@ElvisPresleyHadABaby

Why not let her pick out some bits for baby? A toy or a baby grow, engage with her about what she thinks baby might like, talk about names with her, just make sure she is thoroughly involved and feels listened to.
I definitely want to get to that and can't wait to bond with her over doing things like that. It's so fragile at the moment I don't really mention the baby at the moment but fingers crossed that will be the near future 🥰 x
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MollysDolly · 17/11/2021 15:01

What happens when you point out to her, "look how brilliant it is with your (already) baby sister, how exciting you get another"?

Could it be she doesn't adore the baby at her mum's as much as it's made out, that she feels second place to that baby already, and now she's seeing another baby appear, and waiting for the same?

Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 15:03

@Maiyakat

I suspect that although she loves her little sister she has enjoyed your house being a place where the focus is on her and now she's going to loose that. She knows from experience that everything will change and things will revolve around the new baby because the baby's needs are greater. Maybe talking about things she can still do with her dad when the baby is born would help reassure her? Otherwise all you can do is give it time and involve her as much or as little as she wants.
Great advice! Thank you! Yes I think you are right. I think her little sibling is a little handful so probably thinks her peace will be shattered 🤣 Some great points thanks again x
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fabulousathome · 17/11/2021 15:04

I would also buy her something very special just for her when the baby arrives.

Something only big girls can have and possibly something she has wanted for a long time.

You can say it's a big sister present from the baby.

Original poster
north2south · 17/11/2021 15:07

@ObnoxiousFeminist

It’s not about Dad, or how upset he is.

It’s about this child and how she is feeling.

That's ridiculous everyone's feelings matter! And it's important at this age when they are building their characters that they understand how their actions impact others! That's how they grow up to be kind, empathetic humans instead of Norman Bates!
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north2south · 17/11/2021 15:08

@Gazelda

I think that all you can do is be consistent.

Your love is unconditional. She may say hurtful things or behave in ways which you don't like, but the day will always end with a loving hug.

And maybe try to introduce a hobby that she and dad do together and includes plans for some point in the future. Eg get them baking together and book tickets for a bake show 6 months into the future. Demonstrate that she'll always be his first girl and that will never change.

Great advice @Gazelda thank you!
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