SD not accepting of pregnancy

[north2south]

Hi all,

Hope you're well.

Looking for some advice. This is my first pregnancy and I'm loving it so far. My partner and I are so excited and I'm loving being pregnant! Everything has been a dream apart from one thing... my partner has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's 8 and a half and currently really isn't accepting of our baby. She didn't take the news well in the first place and having just got over that and offering reassurance she's now told her mother she doesn't want to stay with us when they baby arrives! It's really starting to upset both my partner and I. Everything is so lovely and perfect apart from this. I don't understand where this spite for the baby is coming from. I know she's acting out of jealousy and I can't help but feel she is trying to almost make her dad choose between her and the baby (which isn't good to happen). Anybody else had a similar situation? How did you deal with it and did it get easier!? She's the only cause of stress on the both of us right now and it's really wearing us down x

Different scenario, but when DS was born, my MIL offered to stay and help out for a couple of weeks-I asked her if she could focus mainly on DD (then 3) as I knew I’d be very preoccupied with newborn DS. Having an adult very focused on her needs really helped DD adjust to being a big sister and she wasn’t jealous of the attention DS needed from me.

Perhaps your DP’s family could help support your DSD so she doesn’t feel excluded? Arrange some nice outings on her weekends with your DP?

@wickedthemusical

I would say to ensure DSD that Daddy isn't going to go away, he will still be able to spend quality time with her and she will be just as important as the new baby. Her acting out will most likely be cause she is worrying that Daddy won't have time for her and she will be the second option - believe me i have experienced this first hand with my best friend, her dad moved on and she was awful to him, she hit him in public, accused DSM of stealing her purse.. the list goes on but eventually they grow out of it, it just takes time and perseverance. It might be useful to arrange special days where Daddy takes her out to Costa coffee or something or even if you arrange a little pamper day with her and Daddy has the baby? And on these days I know it sounds bad but try to not talk about the new baby, try to talk about things that are just about the DSD. Try not to let it get to you too much and just think 'it is what it is' after all you need to put yourself and baby first. Also have a listen to the 'Nacho kids' podcast, they have podcasts about couples who have an 'ours baby' it really helped me! (SM and pregnant with an ours baby) good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy

Thank you @wickedthemusical ! (Also my fave musical) some really great advice there! I do hope she grows out of it and changes her mind before the baby arrives. Thanks again 🥰

@ChloeCrocodile

I'm 18wks and she sees him every other weekend

Even if you told her as soon as you found out she really hasn't had much time with her dad in order to process it. Maybe 7 visits? She will likely get much better over time when she realises that her dad still loves her and that she is still really important to him.

It might be that she likes being the centre of attention at your home and doesn't want to be sidelined. That is an adjustment many children face when a new sibling is coming along, and certainly not something unique to blended families. My nephew really didn't want a sibling (he was 6 when DSis was pregnant) and refused point blank to talk about it. He'd walk away or talk about something else if anyone mentioned it. He came round in the end tho!

Could you just be completely normal with her? The usual boundaries around behaviour, lots of normal family activities, plenty of one-on-one time with her dad. Sometimes kids just take longer to adjust than we expect.

Really great points! Maybe she just needs longer to adjust at the moment. I'm an only child and so is my OH so we've never had to contend with a sibling. Thanks again 🥰

I'm an only child and so is my OH so we've never had to contend with a sibling.

My family is pretty big and I have too many - I'm happy to pass along at least one sister for you!

In all seriousness, though, having siblings can be a blessing (we get on well most of the time and life in a big family is never boring). But it as a child it can be difficult if you feel like you are vying for the attention of your parents. If DD feels like that at home because of her sibling, or if she sometimes wishes she got to see more of her dad, it is easy to understand why another new baby isn't going to fill her with joy. She will adjust though - as long as you and her dad are consistent. Hopefully her mum is helping her too.

Ooh yeah that's a good point. When I was in the hospital there were pre prepared gifts at home for siblings and half sibling from the baby. That was nice

@north2south First of all - congratulations! I am also 18 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My partner has 2 children from his previous marriage (aged 12 & 18) so much older than your stepdaughter but was worried they'd react badly. Luckily they didn't and have both been supportive with the eldest one saying he'd never seen his Dad so happy which I thought was lovely.

I'm sorry that previous posters have trotted out the demonic stepmother trope as that's clearly not true here. In fact, most of us stepmoms are nice - I promise!😁

Unfortunately, in the case of your stepdaughter, you can't force a kid to be happy about something when they're clearly not. You've got another 20+ weeks for her to get used to the idea and she may well feel completely differently once the baby arrives.

It sounds like you and your partner have done all you can do to reassure her and make her feel included. If she's still resistant after that - what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Keep doing what you're doing but also try to enjoy your pregnancy.

Keep in touch as we're due date buddies by the looks of it! 😊

That is an adjustment many children face when a new sibling is coming along, and certainly not something unique to blended families.

I think this is a really important thing to remember. Children often struggle a lot with the arrival of a full sibling where they live with both parents full time - it isn’t unique to the stepchild scenario at all. My MiL often talks about how my husband’s older brother kept saying he hated the new baby and asking to send him back to the hospital (they’re best friends now). A friend who had her second six months ago told me that her eldest consented to sit next to the baby for the first time yesterday. It might help you to view it not as ‘the only cause of stress’ for you and your DP, or the only thing that isn’t perfect, but as a issue that many, if not most, families have to contend with.

You seem to be making out I'm asking how do I get rid of SD!!!

To be fair, that is how your OP came across.

It sounds like your stepdaughter feels very hurt and insecure, and the fact that you're describing this as "spite" doesn't fill me with confidence that you have much insight or empathy for her. I think you and your partner need to really take on board what a huge and terrifying time this is for her, and maybe you'd benefit from some professional help/counselling/family support.

[quote Harlequin1088]@north2south First of all - congratulations! I am also 18 weeks pregnant with my first baby. My partner has 2 children from his previous marriage (aged 12 & 18) so much older than your stepdaughter but was worried they'd react badly. Luckily they didn't and have both been supportive with the eldest one saying he'd never seen his Dad so happy which I thought was lovely.

I'm sorry that previous posters have trotted out the demonic stepmother trope as that's clearly not true here. In fact, most of us stepmoms are nice - I promise!😁

Unfortunately, in the case of your stepdaughter, you can't force a kid to be happy about something when they're clearly not. You've got another 20+ weeks for her to get used to the idea and she may well feel completely differently once the baby arrives.

It sounds like you and your partner have done all you can do to reassure her and make her feel included. If she's still resistant after that - what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️ Keep doing what you're doing but also try to enjoy your pregnancy.

Keep in touch as we're due date buddies by the looks of it! 😊[/quote]
Hi @Harlequin1088 !! Aaaahh bump buddies!! Thank you for your kind words! Yes definitely not a wicked stepmother, probably care to much and want everyone to feel better and be happy but just need to let people go through there own process. 🥰

Try not to worry, I’m sure it will be fine.

My Dd is now 27, when she was 8 my ex, her Dad told her that her stepmum was pregnant. She was really upset, she felt (wrongly) that her dad was going to forget about her. She didn’t really know how to process her feelings. She had lots of reassurance from me, her dad and her lovely stepmum.

By the time her brother came along she was very excited. To this day they are really close, even though her dad and stepmum split up.

I would just let her process her thoughts and just listen to her whilst giving her lots of reassurance. Good luck with your pregnancy

All the little girl wants is her daddy. You sound like a lovely step mum but all she wants is to be with her dad on her own. Let them spend more time together.

@doodleygirl

Try not to worry, I’m sure it will be fine.

My Dd is now 27, when she was 8 my ex, her Dad told her that her stepmum was pregnant. She was really upset, she felt (wrongly) that her dad was going to forget about her. She didn’t really know how to process her feelings. She had lots of reassurance from me, her dad and her lovely stepmum.

By the time her brother came along she was very excited. To this day they are really close, even though her dad and stepmum split up.

I would just let her process her thoughts and just listen to her whilst giving her lots of reassurance. Good luck with your pregnancy

Thank you! It seems that you really supported that too! My partners ex hates him so will do anything to make his life harder so we sadly won't have that support x

I am in the same situation with a 12 year old step daughter.
We're just trying to make sure she knows nothing will change.

It's the comments (that I ignore), but they silently upset me when I just want to be happy about our healthy baby considering we sadly lost the last one at 5 months along which she knew left me distraught.

before we knew gender it was "I don't want it to be a girl, I'm the only daddy's girl." And I mean she would say this 1000 times!

Now we know it's a girl, (I already have 2 girls), I'm thrilled because I love girls.

This time, I just want to be happy that it's healthy and just enjoy it but I have a very sad 12 year old step daughter.

My two daughters are excited, but step daughter was openly not happy about it being a girl and won't stop saying how "it could be a boy, they may have got it wrong". Constantly......

I just want to enjoy it without the comments 😫

This is the only time I have ever expressed how I feel and of course would not show it in front of step daughter. Just wish she would come around. Maybe she will when the baby is born.

Why does your partner's ex hate him? I thought they were never properly together?

This is probably wrong board to post this on OP. I would say try the step parenting board but we have some interesting visitors over there as well.

Speaking as a mum and stepmum, all you can do is accept she's gonna have feelings on the subject, it's a big change for her and be kind to both her and yourself. She will in all likely hood come around
You don't have to apologise for being part of a blended family contrary to what pp may insinuate.

You sound like a lovely stepmum and it's a difficult age for children anyway.

You will get there and so will she.

I wouldn't go for the presents from the baby and the big excitement the next time you see her. In fact I wouldn't mention it for another couple of months. What's the rush? She won't be excited about a baby that's actually her, and she could be having great times with her dad and with you both as a couple, before your attention is divided for ever.

@Champersandchocolate

I am in the same situation with a 12 year old step daughter. We're just trying to make sure she knows nothing will change.

It's the comments (that I ignore), but they silently upset me when I just want to be happy about our healthy baby considering we sadly lost the last one at 5 months along which she knew left me distraught.

before we knew gender it was "I don't want it to be a girl, I'm the only daddy's girl." And I mean she would say this 1000 times!

Now we know it's a girl, (I already have 2 girls), I'm thrilled because I love girls.

This time, I just want to be happy that it's healthy and just enjoy it but I have a very sad 12 year old step daughter.

My two daughters are excited, but step daughter was openly not happy about it being a girl and won't stop saying how "it could be a boy, they may have got it wrong". Constantly......

I just want to enjoy it without the comments 😫

This is the only time I have ever expressed how I feel and of course would not show it in front of step daughter. Just wish she would come around. Maybe she will when the baby is born.

Aww @Champersandchocolate ! That sounds so difficult. I can completely relate! I just want to be happy and excited for my first baby without any drama and almost feeling guilty for it. Like we have done something wrong.

We have just found out we are having a girl too! We haven't told SD yet but I can't imagine she'll be happy about it.

Huge congratulations on your pregnancy! So sorry to read about your loss! What a horrible thing to go through. The comments sound really hard to deal with! I hope you have someone to go to for support and your other half supports you. I get it's a transition for any sibling but it doesn't account for hurting people close to you xx

@beastlyslumber

Why does your partner's ex hate him? I thought they were never properly together?

I think that's why she hates him. I think she wanted that but he never wanted it with her. Tried a little while for the baby (they were basically bonk buddies as she fell pregnant) but it was never going to work out. There relationship ended up pretty messy and they didn't treat each other very good x

[quote north2south]@LG93

Her father and I have been to together 4yrs and I'm 18wks. She already has a 3yr old sister on her mother's side who she adores so I don't think we were prepared for her reaction to us having a baby. We really thought she'd be excited and love having another sibling.

We are absolutely giving her reassurance etc and has no idea of the impact that she's having on us in regards to stress etc - we don't show that to her. We are stressed because we care and we love her and don't want relationships to be impacted.

She doesn't live that close to us so if she doesn't stay over the time they have together will be even more limited. It's not that she doesn't want to come here at all - she doesn't want the baby disturbing her and her sleep and thinks the baby will be annoying and make to much noise x[/quote]
The difference is that this baby will live with her daddy full time and she doesn't.

@candlelightsatdawn

This is probably wrong board to post this on OP. I would say try the step parenting board but we have some interesting visitors over there as well.

Speaking as a mum and stepmum, all you can do is accept she's gonna have feelings on the subject, it's a big change for her and be kind to both her and yourself. She will in all likely hood come around
You don't have to apologise for being part of a blended family contrary to what pp may insinuate.

You sound like a lovely stepmum and it's a difficult age for children anyway.

You will get there and so will she.

Thank you @candlelightsatdawn 🥰

@Tailendofsummer

I wouldn't go for the presents from the baby and the big excitement the next time you see her. In fact I wouldn't mention it for another couple of months. What's the rush? She won't be excited about a baby that's actually her, and she could be having great times with her dad and with you both as a couple, before your attention is divided for ever.

Thanks @Tailendofsummer yeah not thinking of doing it quite yet. Feels a touchy subject at the moment so need to cage how things go x

You're 18 weeks pregnant and on your other thread (where DSD possibly had covid) you hadn't told her - you were 10 weeks then. So in reality DSD has had less than 2 months to get her head around this - and seen you and her Dad, 4 times? It will be so new to her, give her time and space.

@myrtleWilson

You're 18 weeks pregnant and on your other thread (where DSD possibly had covid) you hadn't told her - you were 10 weeks then. So in reality DSD has had less than 2 months to get her head around this - and seen you and her Dad, 4 times? It will be so new to her, give her time and space.

Oh yeah, I've seen that thread.

So she really hasn't had any time with her dad since you told her? Or not a lot? Since it's only every other weekend contact and I think you cancelled that visit because you were worried she might have covid. I think in the circumstances you may be expecting a bit much. Glad you're looking for help with managing it, but as I said in my initial post, you need to be more patient. She isn't a threat to your baby 🥰🥰🥰

Op I wouldn't panic to much tbh, this is less a step child thing and more of a natural sibling thing. My mum was told to return me to hospital if I was a boy, and was rather dismayed I didn't show up as a fully grown child for her play with.

She came around, eventually ;)

Her dad left her.

Her Dad gets a new Mummy and a new Baby so it's bloody obvious to an 8 yr old mind, she's next on the list. Dad is about to replace her with someone he loves more.

Of course she's jealous, and very scared.

Accusing that child of "spite against the unborn baby" says a lot about you.

When real life crashes into your idyll and cries all night
you'll be the one wondering if Daddy prefers his older child.