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Original poster

Abortion & the wave of light.

110 replies

Sheisfee · 15/10/2021 10:17

I'm curious to know if abortion is considered within the wave of light as it is for all baby loss? I know of a few people who grieve their abortions but I'm wondering if there is a space for them when we are remembering babies that have left us too soon? What are your thoughts?
❤️

OP posts:
tiggerwhocamefortea · 15/10/2021 11:25

From someone whose had several losses I don't consider abortion as appropriate to include in the wave of light sorry unless it was a TFMR.

Mumtotwofurbabies · 15/10/2021 11:35

I agree with the above as someone who has had losses, for all sorts of reasons…it’s a tricky one though!

IndecentCakes · 15/10/2021 11:39

No, abortion isn't appropriate to include.

Mumtotwofurbabies · 15/10/2021 11:39

It would need to be a separate event to remember babies lost to abortion..but don’t think that would ever happen, think it would prove very controversial…

JumperooSue · 15/10/2021 11:43

Of course it’s appropriate there’s no rules, women have abortions for so many reasons, just because they couldn’t continue with the pregnancy at that point, they will always hold that with them and if they want to light a candle then they absolutely can! Horrified that people think othwise.

goinggently · 15/10/2021 11:43

Of course it's ok! People are allowed to grieve their babies for any reason Thanks

InglouriousBasterd · 15/10/2021 11:43

Surely it’s something you can quietly do at home, on your own, for you? It’s not something I’d put on social media but there’s no harm in grieving in your own way - there are so many reasons why a woman may need to / be forced to abort, even a much wanted pregnancy (e.g abusive partner).

goinggently · 15/10/2021 11:44

I will be thinking of all mothers and their babies when I light my candle tonight, no exceptions x

Geamhradh · 15/10/2021 11:44

@JumperooSue

Of course it’s appropriate there’s no rules, women have abortions for so many reasons, just because they couldn’t continue with the pregnancy at that point, they will always hold that with them and if they want to light a candle then they absolutely can! Horrified that people think othwise.
This. Nobody gets to judge why a woman has had a termination. Nobody. And no woman should ever have to explain herself.
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 15/10/2021 11:46

Its totally appropriate. You can still grieve even if it was your choice for whatever reason.

IfImLyingImDying · 15/10/2021 11:47

@JumperooSue

Of course it’s appropriate there’s no rules, women have abortions for so many reasons, just because they couldn’t continue with the pregnancy at that point, they will always hold that with them and if they want to light a candle then they absolutely can! Horrified that people think othwise.
Absolutely could not agree more with this. Choosing abortion is complicated and more importantly, no one gets to tell you whether you can grieve or not or how you express that.

I’ve had several pregnancy losses. I’ll light a candle for your baby tonight OP.

GoldenBlue · 15/10/2021 11:48

My loss was classed as an abortion, my son was born at 24 weeks following intervention after we discovered that he couldn't survive outside of the womb and had horrific malformations of his organs. He was much loved and cherished and I will be joining the wave of light along with others that support each other following these types of loss.

I loved my son and still grieve for him over 20 years later. I have used that experience to support others through similar losses and through neonatal loss.

I don't label my loss as an abortion but technically it is and I raise it here to counter balance some of the comments above.

I don't think people always think about all the scenarios before they make comments, and for someone that has had a medically required abortion some of the comments here will be very painful

BrilliantBetty · 15/10/2021 11:48

I remember my aborted baby during the wave of light. I light candles in my house and take a few minutes to feel sad and sorry.

I wouldn't mention it publicly though.

I was just a child myself. I couldn't keep it, I wasn't fit to be a parent at the time and had school, GCSEs. I still loved that little foetus and was racked with guilt and loss for many years. So yes it counts as baby loss. I never felt so heartbroken and desperate after any of my subsequent miscarriages in adulthood. It doesn't have to be mentioned though.

Comedycook · 15/10/2021 11:49

@tiggerwhocamefortea

From someone whose had several losses I don't consider abortion as appropriate to include in the wave of light sorry unless it was a TFMR.
I don't understand this though...so people can grieve if they terminated for a medical reason but not if they terminated for any other reason?
SockFluffInTheBath · 15/10/2021 11:49

Nobody gets to judge why a woman has had a termination. Nobody. And no woman should ever have to explain herself.

Agreed. Anyone grieving a terminated pregnancy clearly felt they had no choice.

SylvanasWindrunner · 15/10/2021 11:50

It is a tricky one but grief is grief and there are many complex reasons for abortions and many complex emotions behind them and women deserve to work through those and feel their grief is legitimate. Because it is.

I don't really know what the wave of light is, I'm
guessing it's a social media raising awareness/remembrance thing, but someone said something to me once about how my successes and failures are nothing to do with her successes and failures. Whether someone chooses to terminate their pregnancy or not doesn't affect your own experiences. Their baby is not your baby, and I'd like to think we have space and compassion enough for everyone who feels grief at a pregnancy ending, not just those who fit in to categories we find appropriate.

Mumtotwofurbabies · 15/10/2021 11:50

Ok, reading all these has made me think a little differently actually, maybe it is appropriate to grieve babies lost to abortions as well….I am lucky I’ve never been in that position, but have had losses through miscarriage. Sorry for any offence caused 😘

1940s · 15/10/2021 11:51

You've got to be a shitty person to limit which women can grieve for children they couldn't bring into the world. Women have abortions for medical reasons, because they suffer from abuse, because they are children themselves, because one more would plummet them into homelessness, because it would break their mental health, some choose to because it's not the right time. How dare you say they can't grieve that. Nobody skips into the abortion clinic as though they're getting their nails done. Why shouldn't they be able to light a candle today and grieve if they wish

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 15/10/2021 11:52

I've miscarried 6 babies.
My loss or grief is no better or more appropriate than any woman who has had to have an abortion and feels grief for that loss. I support all women in their choices and their grief. ALL women.

HitsAndMrs · 15/10/2021 11:55

I think it is extremely unfair for people to say it is I appropriate. Open your eyes! People have abortions for many horrendous reasons such as rape, abuse, financial reasons. How dare you say a woman cannot grieve the same way that you do.
I say this as someone who has multiple miscarriages so I'm not bias either. Your attitude is shameful.

SickAndTiredAgain · 15/10/2021 11:55

I think that it doesn’t matter what other people include, it matters what you include and no one can tell you it’s not appropriate for you to consider abortion part of it. I’ve had a miscarriage, and an abortion. I had an abortion after I got pregnant when I was severely suicidal with PND. It wasn’t a TFMR, but it did save my life, and was also heart breaking. I don’t regret it, but it’s not as a simple as some people think sometimes.

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 11:55

YES! yes they can be. I was thinking this for so long. Abortions should be included because at the end of the day it is still a loss of a baby. Some people after abortions feel relieved and fine in their decision and that is okay. But some of us dont see it as that. We feel guilt, grief, all the same emotions just in a different way. Abortions arent black and white.

Just because someone actively had to do it doesnt necessary mean it was a choice.

For me I felt life was cruel and took that luxury of a choice away. Circumstances made me feel like I couldnt possibly pursue bringing my baby into the world even though I wanted to. I will carry this to the day I die.

I miss my baby so so much. I think about who they could of been, how much love we could of shared. It breaks my heart and I feel like a murderer for it. I will never forgive myself.

So yes, tonight I will be lighting a candle and thinking of my little one and how they would of been nearing two. And I'll be DAMNED if someone tells me I cant.

Blxo94 · 15/10/2021 11:57

I think personally that it's your choice. I have had 2 TFMR'S both baby girls, and 3 other losses and I don't see a issue with it. You have a right to grieve for the baby who couldn't be here with you for whatever the reason may have been. You obviously feel some sort of upset that you have gone through this so if you feel this is a good way to deal with those feelings then go for it. I will say just be careful with posting on social media etc about it as it can cause alot of upset ( which I do understand also being part of that loss community). The wave of light is meant to be for us mums who lost our babies through no fault or choice of our own, but I think people need to realise that some woman who have abortions feel forced to do so and grieve over their choice ❤️

So I say, do what makes you feel right, but do so in a sensitive way x

Couchbettato · 15/10/2021 11:57

@Alonelonelylonersbadidea

I've miscarried 6 babies. My loss or grief is no better or more appropriate than any woman who has had to have an abortion and feels grief for that loss. I support all women in their choices and their grief. ALL women.
Precisely this.

Women have abortions because their lives aren't always in the best place to bring a baby into. It might have been a wanted baby. The grief is real, regardless of the reason.

goinggently · 15/10/2021 12:00

"I will say just be careful with posting on social media etc about it as it can cause alot of upset ( which I do understand also being part of that loss community). The wave of light is meant to be for us mums who lost our babies through no fault or choice of our own, but I think people need to realise that some woman who have abortions feel forced to do so and grieve over their choice ❤️"

I find this incredibly shaming and a cruel thing to say TBH, and further perpetuates the problem of disenfranchised grief among TFMR mums and mothers of babies lost to abortion for a whole host of reasons. All of their grief is equal and valid.