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Original poster

Abortion & the wave of light.

110 replies

Sheisfee · 15/10/2021 10:17

I'm curious to know if abortion is considered within the wave of light as it is for all baby loss? I know of a few people who grieve their abortions but I'm wondering if there is a space for them when we are remembering babies that have left us too soon? What are your thoughts?
❤️

OP posts:
FlamingPinkflamingo · 15/10/2021 14:01

A pp mentioned the wave was created to help reduce the stigma of miscarriage. The language being used here by some shows how much stigma is still around women who have terminations. 'No fault of their own' 'unwanted' 'choice' 'non medical reasons' 'tarnish'.

If anything the experiences bravely shared by the women here show how many women felt little choice but suffered the grief and GUILT and judgement. Its a fallacy that women choose abortion lightly, its a complex and difficult situation and deeming their loss not as worthy is ignorant.

Ive read all of your stories and I'll be thinking of you all tonight ladies and sending you love and strength.Flowers

HeyFloof · 15/10/2021 14:15

All grief is valid. And I'm disgusted that some women would seek to diminish the grief of other women because they feel it is "less worthy". Its disgraceful.

I will be joining in the wave of light tonight. I have hosted two wave of light events this week. It is baby loss awareness week, which includes all forms of baby loss not just the ones that some women think are deserving of sympathy and sadness.

evilharpy · 15/10/2021 14:36

My candle will be lit to remember all babies who didn't make it, whatever the reason, and who are grieved.

And a special thought to anyone who had to make a difficult decision, whatever your reasons were Flowers

tiggerwhocamefortea · 15/10/2021 14:54

Fundamentally it's totally different - abortions for social reasons are done because the pregnancy/baby isn't wanted (there was a thread in pregnancy choices where the OP aborted a baby she had deliberately conceived because she decided once she got pregnant that she valued having lie ins and watching TV programmes uninterrupted over having a child). That isn't the same as miscarrying a pregnancy/baby that is wanted and yes I do believe it de-values those who have miscarried or TFMRs.

HerRoyalWitchyness · 15/10/2021 14:56

@tiggerwhocamefortea

So what are acceptable reasons for abortion then? When can women grieve the abortion they had? Or are we not allowed because we made a choice?

Comedycook · 15/10/2021 14:58

yes I do believe it de-values those who have miscarried or TFMRs

You do realise a lot of pro life people think tfmr are wrong and a choice?

ABCeasyasdohrayme · 15/10/2021 15:01

@tiggerwhocamefortea

Fundamentally it's totally different - abortions for social reasons are done because the pregnancy/baby isn't wanted (there was a thread in pregnancy choices where the OP aborted a baby she had deliberately conceived because she decided once she got pregnant that she valued having lie ins and watching TV programmes uninterrupted over having a child). That isn't the same as miscarrying a pregnancy/baby that is wanted and yes I do believe it de-values those who have miscarried or TFMRs.
Nothing could devalue my babies, not other peoples choices, opinions, losses or anything else.

If someone chooses to end a pregnancy because they don't want their life to change, they can't afford a child, they value their alone time or any other reason they are still allowed to feel sad about that, they are allowed to make a choice that is the best thing in their life and still feel sad about that choice, it takes precisely nothing away from anyone else.

You can't gatekeep grief.

SockFluffInTheBath · 15/10/2021 15:04

I cannot believe some of these comments. My grief is not more valid or cleaner or nicer than someone grieving a terminated pregnancy. It’s not a competition. Some of you really are horrible, horrible people.

goinggently · 15/10/2021 15:06

@tiggerwhocamefortea

Fundamentally it's totally different - abortions for social reasons are done because the pregnancy/baby isn't wanted (there was a thread in pregnancy choices where the OP aborted a baby she had deliberately conceived because she decided once she got pregnant that she valued having lie ins and watching TV programmes uninterrupted over having a child). That isn't the same as miscarrying a pregnancy/baby that is wanted and yes I do believe it de-values those who have miscarried or TFMRs.
And yet there are women telling you they are traumatised by the same 'type' of loss and still grieving decades later...

If there were women out there who felt unaffected by a miscarriage would that invalidate the grief of those who feel it deeply? No...

It is wrong to assume that women who have abortions don't care about their children or grieve their loss, as many are taking the time to explain to you.

HolaAmigoz · 15/10/2021 15:38

I was emotionally blackmailed into have an abortion at the age of 18. My baby’s abusive father pressured me daily to terminate and I come from a strict Asian family where the choice was terminate or be disowned. I felt backed into a corner so terminated and have regretted it every day since. I grieve for my loss. I have also had 2 miscarriages since, one late term. I grieve for them the exact same way. No one gets to tell me that my loss is less because I aborted, especially as the hurt is the same.

IndecentCakes · 15/10/2021 16:28

HolaAmigoz I'm so sorry to read this Flowers

I, too, feel differently about abortion related grief since reading these stories and agree that yes, it is completely valid to include those.

HeyFloof · 15/10/2021 17:10

@tiggerwhocamefortea

Fundamentally it's totally different - abortions for social reasons are done because the pregnancy/baby isn't wanted (there was a thread in pregnancy choices where the OP aborted a baby she had deliberately conceived because she decided once she got pregnant that she valued having lie ins and watching TV programmes uninterrupted over having a child). That isn't the same as miscarrying a pregnancy/baby that is wanted and yes I do believe it de-values those who have miscarried or TFMRs.
But I'm willing to bet that that woman won't be engaging in candle lighting during wave of light.

The women here who have explained why they had a termination all have perfectly valid reasons for their sadness and grief.

I have miscarried, and had a late term TFMR, my baby was born living and died in my arms. Their sadness over their losses does not "devalue" my losses. I welcome them and hope that joining in helps them heal.

goinggently · 15/10/2021 18:36

Whatever the cause, I will be thinking of you all at 7pm. Nobody should need to suffer the pain of baby loss, however it comes about. Sorry the conversation got fractious and I hope everyone can feel some peace x 🕯 Thanks

TheFairPrincess · 15/10/2021 18:39

Absolutely nobody has the right to gatekeep any emotion. Especially grief. Especially pregnancy loss.

It may make you uncomfortable because it is not something you can relate to.

Let women have agency and freedom to decide what they feel they need to grieve.

MonkeyPuddle · 15/10/2021 18:43

My candle will be for all babies lost and all mothers who have lost. Regardless of circumstance, life was lost, that is what I remember. United in grief.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 15/10/2021 20:49

@Throwback24 oh dear. You have misunderstood my post. @HarryPotterFan21 had written about only people having no choice should be allowed to join Wave of Light. I have argued against this as there is no hierarchy of grief.
I have lost 6 children, including late term twin boys. I absolutely know that my loss is no greater than any other woman. I support all women. I am sorry if there was misunderstanding. Thanks

GinnyBee · 15/10/2021 21:22

Grief is grief, people have all sorts of feelings about both abortions and miscarriages, and if you want to light a candle for your loss then everyone is entitled to. I've had two miscarriages and whilst they sucked at the time, I don't really have many feelings about it anymore. I know there will be several women who have had terminations and feel more for their losses than I do mine, who still think about it, live with the grief, feelings of guilt. It's not my place to say their losses are less worthy.

I didn't feel I needed to take part for ME, but I posted a quick pic anyway for all those who need to see it and can take comfort in knowing they're not alone and it happens far more than people really think. The more candles there are out there, for whatever reason, the more people will see them, and that is the point of the campaign.

Original poster
Sheisfee · 15/10/2021 21:34

I put this question up this morning because I was remembering my aborted baby. I didn't want to say that in case I got abuse whilst I grieve. I miss my baby every single day of my life and reading all of your comments brought me to tears. Thank you all for appreciating the little life they had and giving women a space to grieve. For so long I've felt like I'm not allowed to x

OP posts:
ABCeasyasdohrayme · 15/10/2021 22:15

I lit my candle tonight for my babies, for your baby and all the other babies that are being missed today.

You're absolutely entitled to grieve in whatever way you see fit op Flowers

Original poster
Sheisfee · 15/10/2021 22:32

@ABCeasyasdohrayme seriously, other than my partner I've not had anyone say that to me. Thank you - I remembered all babies this evening too, all as important as each other ❤️

OP posts:
Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 22:58

@Sheisfee I'm so sorry op. I dont know what to say but I am thinking of you and your baby. Its comforting hearing you have your partner with you tonight. My partner is none the wiser of todays meaning and never really was affected by my abortion the way I was so tonight I am grieving alone just like every other day.
Flowers for you op

Throwback24 · 15/10/2021 22:59

I will light a candle for everyone included on this thread, and everyone else out there struggling with their grief. Let's all be kind to one and another tonight x

Meh2020 · 15/10/2021 23:04

Oh OP - you don’t need to check with others. It’s very personal and you can use the wave of light to remember.

As someone who has experienced both an abortion and a miscarriage - I remember both.

Flowers for you x

Scirocco · 15/10/2021 23:32

@Sheisfee I'm sorry for your loss.

We're all united by our grief and our love for our babies. You are never alone in this.

Alonelonelylonersbadidea · 16/10/2021 01:07

Much love to you @Sheisfee . I'm so sorry. I do know this grief and you are absolutely allowed to grieve and recover in any way that is best for you.
As you can see the vast majority of women support other women. Xx

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