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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Gender disappointment

139 replies

Belle82 · 11/07/2021 14:22

We just had our gender scan and we did a quick gender reveal at home so our little girl found out at the same time as us.

We’ve got a little girl after 4 years of infertility and ivf and when I was growing up I always wanted a sister so badly to have that girl bond.
We found out it was a boy (also ivf) and I just feel devastated 😔 I feel disgusted with myself for feeling this, especially as it’s ivf and I know some people would give their left arm to have a healthy baby and I know I will love him with all my heart when he is here, but I can’t help feel disappointed my little girl won’t be able to have a sister and she only wanted a little girl so she is disappointed too.

I am obviously hiding this from family but I just feel I need a couple of days to get over my disappointment.

Please tell me your stories of GD? Please don’t slate me, I do feel really bad already 😔

OP posts:
fatisnotafeeling · 11/07/2021 20:09

Hi Op, I am another that thinks you are getting a n unnecessary hard time.

I also suffered with GD with my 4th baby, he is a boy and I already had 2 girls and 1 boy so before finding out I had convinced myself I wanted a brother for my son. Well when she said he was a boy my heart dropped, it was a shock because I had wanted a boy.

I spent the rest of my pregnancy crying and so so unhappy. I told my midwife how I felt, I was honest with everyone, I had GD I couldn't tell them why but I did. I was referred to the peri natal mental health team and I spoke to someone every week, it helped immensely to get the feelings off my chest and go over and over it.

My labour did not go to plan, he was breach and I had a C section, as soon as I heard his cry my heart burst, I hadn't seen him and I loved him so much.
He is now 1 and a cheeky little one, his sisters adore him and my 9 yr old son is besotted with him, they have such an amazing bond.

Please be kind to yourself, you cannot control these feelings but you will love him fiercely I can promise you that.

willithappen · 11/07/2021 20:27

I sometimes wonder if some of the comments said on here people would say in real life, always an excuse to be darn right rude

OP you are within your right to feel however you feel. Just because many others might have felt the same that shouldn't mean how you feel is any less because 'it's always the boys' - it's not like you have just decided to follow a trend.

Like I said in my previous post - you had a set scenario going into it and 'dream' in your mind and now that's been altered. Of course you'll feel something, and similar to being a bit disappointed, but that doesn't mean it's wrong or that you won't love baby any less when they do arrive.

NoYOUbekind · 11/07/2021 20:46

I love my brother. Like, actually worship the ground he walks on love him. He has the best part of my heart. Please don't believe that brothers and sisters can't have a strong bond, it's nonsense.

Kittykat93 · 11/07/2021 21:09

Knew it would be about a boy before I even opened the thread 🙄 you've had ivf, you already have a healthy baby girl, you're now having a healthy baby boy, please just get a grip. Sorry but it's really hard to feel sympathy for you

ShireMama · 11/07/2021 21:17

@WoahThereNelly

Wow OP, I'm sorry you're getting ripped to pieces by some on here as I know firsthand how painful GD is; you can't control it even though you want to...and I know these comments will be hurting you too. Just wanted to send empathy and solidarity.

For what it's worth, I could not have been more of a brat when I found out the gender of my DS. I had so built up my dream of a little princess (who would probably have been nothing like that anyway!). I was, literally devastated, even though I knew it was totally ridiculous. What I can say....DS2 is the most gorgeous, special, funny little person and every bit of GD disappeared literally the second I looked into his bossy little face. I'd been told that would be the case, but I didn't believe anyone!! It was so true though...I wouldn't change him now for any girl in the whole world.

Best of luck with your pregnancy and gorgeous baby boy x

Definitely this! What you are going through is normal. I felt this both times I found out genders. It doesn't stop you from loving your kids.
ivfgottwins · 11/07/2021 21:22

You should remember why you had to IVF in the first place and look back to during treatment about how desperately you wanted it to work no matter whether the baby was a boy or girl. If you wanted to do gender selection you should have gone abroad?

I can't empathise I'm afraid or feel sympathetic. But if it helps the closest sibling relationships I know are brother/sister ones

Lots of people wouldn't just give "their left arm" - they'd give everything in the world and more

Whoopsmahoot · 11/07/2021 21:41

I was disappointed when I found out I was expecting a boy only for the practicalities. I was beyond ignorant of babies but I assumed if I had a girl at least I would know about “girl” bits! I adore my son like no other on this planet and we are very close. Wouldn’t have changed it for the world.

willithappen · 11/07/2021 23:48

@Kittykat93

Knew it would be about a boy before I even opened the thread 🙄 you've had ivf, you already have a healthy baby girl, you're now having a healthy baby boy, please just get a grip. Sorry but it's really hard to feel sympathy for you
OP isn't asking for your sympathy. Just because it's ivf doesn't mean OP has any less right to feel how they do. So respectfully I think you should be the one to 'get a grip'
HotPotatoHotPotato21 · 12/07/2021 07:55

I think part of the problem with there being a preference for girls is to do with all the threads on Mumsnet where there's a perfectly sounding MIL but the OPs try to make her sound awful on the thread. Sometimes they just don't seem to be able to do anything right and it's quite sad. Especially when it comes to grandchildren, 'my parents will see the baby loads, but PIL will only see one Sunday a month' etc. Mumsnet is also mainly female, I think often men have a preference for a son and woman for daughter. Obviously I'm not saying that is true all the time, but I'd say more common.

thebookworm1 · 12/07/2021 07:57

Women hoping mostly for little girls and men hoping mostly for little boys is the most natural thing in the world and I’m surprised here so many are failing to make the obvious link.

www.google.com/amp/s/qz.com/564775/men-are-much-more-likely-to-take-paternity-leave-if-they-have-sons/amp/

My husband was very clearly hoping for a son when we found out the sex. He would have loved a girl but when we found out we were expecting a boy I had the biggest trouble talking him out of naming him after himself, he was so excited 😂

I fell in love with our little baby as soon as I saw him on the scan but I would have experienced a lot of excitement at the thought of having a girl even if I wouldn’t have wanted to pass down my name lol

OP as so many have said it will pass. It’s about mourning the dream but the dream will only exist until it’s replaced by the much more powerful experience of meeting your actual lovely little son!

Original poster
Belle82 · 12/07/2021 08:52

Thank you so much to most of you.
You are right it already has started to pass, I am already excited about having a boy and a different dynamic to add to the mix.
My little girl is a complete tomboy ❤️, so I think she will actually bond better with a boy but what ever happens like many of you have said I already love this little boy with all my heart already.
I think if there is even a slim chance of gender disappointment the gender scan is even more important. You can deal with those feelings well in advance of the baby coming. I have read enough about people who have gender disappointment at the birth and that would be so much worse as then there is the risk that baby may be rejected in some very small way.
These are my own issues and most probably do stem from a very hard ivf process (which I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy) but as a PP said you build up a mental picture to help you get through the really dark times. My own issues will be dealt with way before baby arrives and I will only ever feel complete and utter love for him like I do my little girl.

Unfortunately in posting on mumsnet I know I took the risk of the ones who “kick you when you’re down” and I think you’re right @willithappen I don’t think these people would be anywhere near as rude to another person in real life but hiding behind a keyboard they can be a bully.
It is a shame that the clear attitude these days is that people should bottle up any painful or controversial feelings in the fear of offending anyone else. I’m afraid if you are offended by something I am personally feeling then that is not my burden to bear.

Thank you again to all the other posters.

OP posts:
Fountaining · 12/07/2021 09:12

Good post, OP. Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy, and the arrival of your baby boy.

Rosieposy89 · 12/07/2021 09:23

I don't think people should have children if they feel this strongly about the sex of their baby as there's a 50% chance of feeling like this.

aSofaNearYou · 12/07/2021 09:26

@Rosieposey89 Maybe read OPs update, talk about tone deaf!

willithappen · 12/07/2021 14:10

@Belle82 fab response post and glad to see you are feeling better!

@Rosieposy89 not necessary really.

ParadiseLaundry · 12/07/2021 14:33

I think if there is even a slim chance of gender disappointment the gender scan is even more important. You can deal with those feelings well in advance of the baby coming.

I completely agree. It's lovely to read your update, I'm glad you're feeling better about things today OP Thanks

rooarsome · 12/07/2021 14:39

I'm glad you are feeling better OP. Me and my sister can't stand each other and never had that sisterly bond. In fact I've blocked her on all social media and have nothing to do with her.
My DD and DS1 have the most amazing bond- it's such a beautiful thing to see. DS2 is only a baby still but my daughter loves him to pieces as well

IsabelHerna · 12/07/2021 15:39

Hi! I understand your feelings and worries. Personally, don't care boy or a girl, I just want one.
But this is my personal feelings and I don't think it's right for anyone to be judged on their wishes and feelings.
From personal experience, a strong bond can occur regardless of gender. My best friend has a younger brother, and their bond is remarkable! They talk about everything together, support each other, they are truly a team! I think with the right parenting and with your love and support your little ones will have an even better bond that you imagined at first! I wish you all the luck!

Kittykat93 · 13/07/2021 20:41

Oh bore off. Op posted on here, I'm entitled to respond how I please.

Aggy35 · 14/07/2021 19:04

I am having my 20 week scan next week.I would prefer a boy (only slightly ) ,but have also prepared for a girl.I cannot wait to find the gender out just so I can start doing the nursery and get everything we need.Child is a blessing and I cannot imagine being disappointed.

Original poster
Belle82 · 14/07/2021 19:12

@Kittykat93
You’re absolutely right you are entitled to respond as you please, bully’s will be bully’s in any walk of life, it’s just really easy when it’s anonymous.
Just as you have a right to respond how you want everyone else is well within their rights to respond to your post how they please.

OP posts:
Original poster
Belle82 · 14/07/2021 19:14

@Kittykat93 at no point in my OP did I ask for sympathy. Pretty sure I made it clear I wasn’t giving myself any. I was looking for advice.
But as I said bully’s will be bully’s.

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 14/07/2021 19:20

I've got a 19 year old girl and a 17 year old boy and they are best mates. Much closer than I ever was with my sister who is 2 years older than me and was a total bitch to me throughout my teens and my 20s

CharlotteRose90 · 14/07/2021 19:28

You don’t deserve these comments. I have a brother and growing up we fought all the time and I wanted a sister so badly. We might have had fights but who knows since I didn’t get one. Also I don’t have kids yet but since I’ve been younger I’ve always wanted a daughter a mini me and would be devastated if I can’t have one. It doesn’t make me bad. Please don’t feel bad . Gender disappointment is real and you are entitled to your feelings. Once your little boy is here your bond and feelings will grow.

Enough4me · 14/07/2021 19:31

Best to be honest OP and then move on as you're doing. Your little DS will be just as lovely as your DD. I have a DD then DS. I always thought I'd have 2x DD or 2xDS, but I'm really happy to have one of each, but that's probably because it's what I know and I love it!