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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

Original poster

Gender disappointment

139 replies

Belle82 · 11/07/2021 14:22

We just had our gender scan and we did a quick gender reveal at home so our little girl found out at the same time as us.

We’ve got a little girl after 4 years of infertility and ivf and when I was growing up I always wanted a sister so badly to have that girl bond.
We found out it was a boy (also ivf) and I just feel devastated 😔 I feel disgusted with myself for feeling this, especially as it’s ivf and I know some people would give their left arm to have a healthy baby and I know I will love him with all my heart when he is here, but I can’t help feel disappointed my little girl won’t be able to have a sister and she only wanted a little girl so she is disappointed too.

I am obviously hiding this from family but I just feel I need a couple of days to get over my disappointment.

Please tell me your stories of GD? Please don’t slate me, I do feel really bad already 😔

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 11/07/2021 18:10

My son wanted a sister. In fact we were all going for a girl really.
I had twin boys.

Some of the nicest sibling relationships I know are s/b rather than s/s or b/b. There's less competition.

Focus on doing something nice for him - get her to pick some cute clothes - doesn't have to be all cars and t-rex.

Flgbusterhereagain · 11/07/2021 18:11

A lot of the sisters I know have quite bitchy competitive relationships. Some don't of course, but I see it a lot.
My brother is 5 years younger than me and we are very close, always have been. He's one of my best friends. They don't need to be sisters to have a loving bond.

DinaofCloud9 · 11/07/2021 18:24

I think the women who are desperate for daughters are the types who want frilly dresses, pink accessories and pierced ears. Basically they want a doll to dress up and hate it if the girl gets dirty or wants to climb trees.

UsedUpUsername · 11/07/2021 18:34

@Purple21

A friend of mine found out she had a boy at birth and burst into tears in the delivery room due to gender disappointment. She never thought she’d have a boy (in fairness, she was like 15 at the time ...)

aSofaNearYou · 11/07/2021 18:41

I feel disgusted with myself for feeling this, especially as it’s ivf and I know some people would give their left arm to have a healthy baby and I know I will love him with all my heart when he is here, but I can’t help feel disappointed my little girl won’t be able to have a sister and she only wanted a little girl so she is disappointed too.

You know that you won't love him any less, so there's no need to feel disgusted with yourself! Just let yourself have your feelings and they will fade, don't shame yourself for no reason.

Whatshouldicallme · 11/07/2021 18:46

I know a number of very close boy/girl sibling sets and also some girl/girl or boy/boy sets that are not close at all. I really think it has more to do with the personalities of the children involved than their genders. I'm sure you know this, but there's nothing to guarantee that sisters will get on and equally nothing to say your boy and girl won't be really close, especially as they get older. I have siblings of both genders and am closest to my brother.

I also know someone who was really upset that her last baby was a boy (had two girls prior and wanted another) but now says she wouldn't want it any other way.

Try to keep it in perspective, but you don't have to feel guilty about being disappointed. It happens to lots of people!

Ginger1982 · 11/07/2021 18:49

Give yourself a wobble. Some people would love to have 2 kids and you're getting one of each too. I was desperate for a sibling for DS (born by IVF) but subsequent IVF has failed for me. I would have been delighted either way.

aSofaNearYou · 11/07/2021 18:50

@DinaofCloud9

I think the women who are desperate for daughters are the types who want frilly dresses, pink accessories and pierced ears. Basically they want a doll to dress up and hate it if the girl gets dirty or wants to climb trees.
Not true at all, and such a judgemental assumption.

OP already has a daughter so if this was her concern she would have no issue. She specifically said this was coming from her feelings about siblings.

BillyShears · 11/07/2021 18:51

@DinaofCloud9

I think the women who are desperate for daughters are the types who want frilly dresses, pink accessories and pierced ears. Basically they want a doll to dress up and hate it if the girl gets dirty or wants to climb trees.
Absolute balderdash. I wanted a girl- as did my husband- and we have two. I no more wanted “a doll to dress up” than my husband did. I wanted a girl, I think, because I have sisters and aunts and that was what I felt comfortable with and my husband (despite, obviously being male) has sisters too. It was the family dynamic we knew.

Fwiw my girls are very rough a tumble, are older with still unpierced ears and you just try getting them in dresses.

I seldom get this het up on Mumsnet but your comment is horrible, insulting and akin to saying “anyone who wants a boy is a patriarchal idiot who values sons above daughters because of societal pressures and isn’t a feminist”.

Be nicer and a bit more empathetic @DinaofCloud9

Trinacham · 11/07/2021 18:54

As a woman with a brother and a sister, I couldn't be without either of them. She will bond with her brother. There's nothing like a brother, and nothing like a sister. In years to come she will be so grateful she had a brother 💙

Bollindger · 11/07/2021 18:54

How sweet, your getting to do it all for the first time again.
You won't be comparing, you will be able to enjoy it with his big sister.
Also she won't feel displaced as she is still your baby girl.

namechangecovidquestion · 11/07/2021 18:57

Well you never know
The sex is male bit the gender may change as your son grows up. He might decide to become the daughter you want?

babyblues21 · 11/07/2021 19:02

You're now far less likely to end up a single parent though.
Stats and a wealth of research show that men are more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.

Really??? Confused

babyblues21 · 11/07/2021 19:03

@DinaofCloud9

I think the women who are desperate for daughters are the types who want frilly dresses, pink accessories and pierced ears. Basically they want a doll to dress up and hate it if the girl gets dirty or wants to climb trees.
Erm. No. I have 2 girls and neither of them has frilly dresses or pierced ears 🙄
Bodgers · 11/07/2021 19:07

If it makes you feel any better, culturally in the majority of countries having a son is seen as an incredible blessing / stroke of luck. We traveled a lot when DS was first born and particularly in Africa and South America we had people clambering to hold/touch the precious baby boy!!! I remember one man crying his eyes out when he saw him!

LittlePearl · 11/07/2021 19:21

It's great fun raising children of both sexes. I think you're lucky to have a daughter and now be having a son.

I agree with other posters who have said two girls doesn't necessarily mean loving sisters. I have a very complicated relationship with my sister and always wished I'd had a brother!

As you say, your feelings of disappointment will fade when you get to meet him.

aSofaNearYou · 11/07/2021 19:30

@Bodgers

If it makes you feel any better, culturally in the majority of countries having a son is seen as an incredible blessing / stroke of luck. We traveled a lot when DS was first born and particularly in Africa and South America we had people clambering to hold/touch the precious baby boy!!! I remember one man crying his eyes out when he saw him!
Yes I always think this too. I must admit I don't see as much harm in the balance being reset somewhat, with some having a preference for girls, as I would in reverse. All of that only contributed to my internal desire for a girl.
2020mission · 11/07/2021 19:32

Can understand the disappointment when you had a gender in mind but it's always worth remembering a gender is simply that, a gender. It doesn't guarantee personality, interests or sibling friendships. You could have the most feminine boy or the most masculine girl. Girl doesn't necessarily equal pink dresses and dolls. Sisters don't always get along. I'm sure how you feel is normal but try to remember that it doesn't mean that much really. Happy healthy child is key. I'm sure a little brother will be just fine.

Brunts12 · 11/07/2021 19:37

Give yourself time to process it, OP. You can’t help how you feel, so don’t beat yourself up. I’ve got a sister and we are not close and haven’t spoken in 5 years, we are just very different people. While I’m close to my brother and we keep in touch regularly, even though we live in different countries 🤷🏻‍♀️

organisedmother · 11/07/2021 19:40

I think growing up everyone has an image of what their life will be like when they are older, will or will they not have children, will they be little boys or girls, and when that image doesn’t mirror what you had thought it’s a shock! People lean more towards a son or daughter depending on the life they have had as in bonds with their mum/dad/brother/sister. As a woman having no mother in her life I dreaded the thought of a daughter I craved a son and had one and was relived I wanted no more children and then decided to have another so my son wasn’t lonely of corse I new there was a 50/50 chance of a daughter and I had serious gender disappointment when I had her and for about 3 days after birth I didn’t bond with her because of my fear of failing her and leading the same path as me and my mother, I got a grip and realised I need to be the best mother I can be to give her the best chance at life, doesn’t matter if it’s a boy or girl! And my personal life shouldn’t of made me not want a daughter but we have feelings we aren’t robots!! everyone has their reasons why….Everyone knows once u have your babies you can’t imagine it any other way and you are on this path for a reason.

I have a boy and a girl and the only difference between them is one stands up to pee and the other sits down, don’t worry about your daughter she will just love having a sibling!!

lunar1 · 11/07/2021 19:44

You are having a baby who will become a person, there will be a million things about them that are more interesting than their genitals.

Get over it. They honestly need to ban telling people the sex of their unborn children, don't even get me started on gender reveal 🤮

wingingit987 · 11/07/2021 19:46

When I was pregnant with my first I was quite convinced I was having a girl I didn't have gender disappointment just shocked however this pregnancy I knew from the off it was a boy this pregnancy was to much like the last. Boys are crazy I'm sure I have a million more grey hairs than Used to but they are real little characters!

Also in this day in age they may not want to be that specific gender as they grow up.

So for now forget the disappointment and just wait for your healthy baby to arrive and hope we're not in lockdown 5.0 by then. X

Lotsachocolateplease · 11/07/2021 19:49

You rarely get gender disappointment on here when it’s a girl. Makes me so sad, like boys are second best or not as wanted as a girl.
It makes me even more surprised to read that this is an ivf pregnancy. Op you are so so lucky to be pregnant especially via ivf. Don’t then be disappointed that the sex isn’t your preferred one. You feel bad about it because you know you should be grateful to be having a healthy baby.

I post this as a mum to two boys, whose gone through ivf, icsi, frozen embryo transfer and the adoption process. I’ll never understand gender disappointment.

Vallmo47 · 11/07/2021 19:58

As someone who has one of each and was unsure how the relationship would work, I can honestly say that it’s entirely based on personalities. My son is sensitive, kind, respectful and scared of his own shadow. My daughter is sassy, bossy, funny and needs to be kept an eye on at all times. ;) My son is the one who snuggles up with me on the sofa, who knows instantly when I’m upset and can’t fall asleep without our evening chat and a cuddle - even at nearly 14. They are the best of friends and everyone comments about their beautiful relationship. I’m so so lucky to have two healthy and beautiful children.

You will be fine OP. In the mean time there’s a much more supportive site called ingender where you are allowed to feel whatever you’re feeling. GL!

aSofaNearYou · 11/07/2021 19:59

@lunar1

You are having a baby who will become a person, there will be a million things about them that are more interesting than their genitals.

Get over it. They honestly need to ban telling people the sex of their unborn children, don't even get me started on gender reveal 🤮

No, they definitely don't need to ban that.