Gender disappointment

[Belle82]

We just had our gender scan and we did a quick gender reveal at home so our little girl found out at the same time as us.

We’ve got a little girl after 4 years of infertility and ivf and when I was growing up I always wanted a sister so badly to have that girl bond.
We found out it was a boy (also ivf) and I just feel devastated 😔 I feel disgusted with myself for feeling this, especially as it’s ivf and I know some people would give their left arm to have a healthy baby and I know I will love him with all my heart when he is here, but I can’t help feel disappointed my little girl won’t be able to have a sister and she only wanted a little girl so she is disappointed too.

I am obviously hiding this from family but I just feel I need a couple of days to get over my disappointment.

Please tell me your stories of GD? Please don’t slate me, I do feel really bad already 😔

Always boys!!! Why? I was overjoyed to have find I was having a boy, but then I’d never romanticised the sister-mum-daughter thing at all because it’s never been my reality.

This isn't written as sensitively as it could be, but it's got a point.

You're disappointed because you're imagining a particular mother/daughter/sister relationship - and there was never a guarantee of that.

I had four sisters. My mum was desperate for a boy. She was a problematic mother, none of us are close, and I haven't spoken to any of my sisters in over six years. One due to circumstance, the others because we just don't get on. They weren't at my wedding, they haven't met my husband, they won't meet my baby.

Give yourself time, but also acknowledge that you're not losing anything. You're not giving anything up, or missing out. And you'll love him when he arrives, as cliched as it sounds, because he's yours - and he'll have a big sister who loves him, too.

Congratulations on your baby

It is hard to be sympathetic OP, but it's good you're expressing these thoughts here since you have them. It's a harmless way to get something off your chest.

I have three boys and they are marvellous. I do not understand this prejudice against sons on Mumsnet.

Honestly, I don't understand why people who have a 50/50 chance of being disappointed find out during pregnancy at all. Once you meet you baby, that will be the baby you want. You won't want to swap him, I promise. You could have skipped all this drama by waiting until the birth. And having a 'gender reveal' with your older child was really building up anticipation and therefore disappointment for your child, and also apparently, yourself.

Look, OP, don't worry about it. It will pass. Just be aware that your own fantasy about some kind of supernaturally-close sisterly bond is talking here, and being fed by a small child's equally fairytale thinking. Neither have any basis in lived reality. Some sisters are close, some aren't. and it certainly isn't the quasi-sacramental bond you seem to be envisioning.

But just let yourself feel temporarily sad -- it will pass quickly and you'll feel vaguely embarrassed at yourself by the time your son is born.

I had no conscious sex preference at all, but I knew it would be my only child, so when the scan showed a boy I did go home and cry, and was baffled as to why I was upset.

I realised afterwards I would have felt equally upset if it had been a girl -- it was more about the closing down of the other option, because I'd been holding both possibilities in my head during the pregnancy, and it was particularly stark as I knew there would be no subsequent pregnancies.

The idea that my adored DS might have been anyone other than his wonderful self now feels hilarious.

You will feel exactly the same.

Don’t be too hard on yourself, pregnancy hormones do funny things to us!
Also I thought if I had a choice I’d prefer a sister for my first DD but had my beautiful DS . They have always been best friends and as young adults now are incredibly close and often describe each other as their favourite person. Personalities make good relationships in families not genders

Here we go again, it's always the boys that women are disappointed to be having. God knows why.There's something wrong in our society that boys are considered a disappointment. Babies are a gift, whatever sex

Exactly @MissyB1 it both saddens and sickens me to be honest. We have some dear friends , more than one couple, that cannot have children despite trying all sorts. They would do anything to be expecting and not fussed about the sex of the baby.

Wow OP, I'm sorry you're getting ripped to pieces by some on here as I know firsthand how painful GD is; you can't control it even though you want to...and I know these comments will be hurting you too. Just wanted to send empathy and solidarity.

For what it's worth, I could not have been more of a brat when I found out the gender of my DS. I had so built up my dream of a little princess (who would probably have been nothing like that anyway!). I was, literally devastated, even though I knew it was totally ridiculous. What I can say....DS2 is the most gorgeous, special, funny little person and every bit of GD disappeared literally the second I looked into his bossy little face. I'd been told that would be the case, but I didn't believe anyone!! It was so true though...I wouldn't change him now for any girl in the whole world.

Best of luck with your pregnancy and gorgeous baby boy x

Another reason finding out the sex ahead of time is a terrible idea!
I hated my sister growing up to be honest - no guarantee 2 girls would be friends !

My best friend couldn't stand her sister. Ever. They still don't get on 20 years later
I always wanted a sibling for a bond. My mum never had another LTR but my dad went on to give me a brother and I adore him! There's 8 years between us.

I'm 28 weeks pregnant with my very very wanted baby boy. I love him so much.
I hope to give him a sister one day (really it's so I have one of each) but I'll be overjoyed with any future babies I have. Boy or girl.

I don’t mean this personally towards the OP but I find gender disappointment so difficult to deal with, especially with boys.

I have two boys and my second was born with a rare health condition. We spent a month in NICU whilst he went through and then recovered from major open chest surgery that saved his life but has left him with life long complications.

We met a lot of families in NICU during that time and also since when he has had seven further operations in three years. Not one of them could care less about the gender of their child.

It’s easy to say ‘a healthy baby is all that matters but’ unless you’ve been in the position of not having a healthy baby. There’s not much I wouldn’t give to swap with the OP.

I can't understand how anyone could be disappointed by the fact they are having a little boy. After 15 years of infertility and then losing 5 Babies. Having a little boy would be a dream come true for me, but then again I would be over the moon regardless of what the sex was

You're now far less likely to end up a single parent though.
Stats and a wealth of research show that men are more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring are solely female.

Hi OP,

Sorry you are getting some unhelpful posts, you are clearly aware your disappointment is maybe inappropriate and have asked posters to be kind. You are feeling disappointed and your feelings are valid.

Both my DH and I ideally wanted a boy and a girl. For no reason at all we wanted a girl first. Turned out to be a boy and we were both disappointed at the scan. He is 9 months old now and the love and light of our lives. Once your baby is here, (a) you won't even have time to be disappointed, you'll be so busy and tired, and (b) you'll most likely grow to love them so very deeply simply because they're your baby.

The older our son gets, the more hilarious he becomes. Looking back now it wouldn't have made any difference at all had he been a girl.

Now that I know how deeply you love your child, it won't make any difference to me if any future children are a boy or a girl.

I have to chip in as the responses here are not very supportive, nothing wrong with putting across a different point of view, but this can be done with kindness!
I had terrible gender disappointment when I found out I was having a boy, I was desperate to recreate the mother daughter bond having lost my mother a few years prior (having been lucky enough to have had a really amazingly loving mother). I didn't feel able to voice it all due to the taboo around it (much like I read in the responses here to OP).
When I read people's experiences and responses explaining how their gender disappointment went away I couldn't believe it would ever apply to me. But I can honestly say now I have a 5month old it is so true that once they are here you truly do not care a jot!! It just takes time to adjust (which mostly happened for me during the pregnancy having found out gender at 20weeks, so glad I found out personally), and grieve for what you won't have so you can get ready for what you will. Please don't feel shame for your very real emotions, you can both feel gender disappointment whilst also feeling incredibly blessed to have a healthy pregnancy, and it does not mean you won't love your baby to bits! Gender, relationships and life are complex, dont let anyone reduce it to a reductionist you have X so you should feel Y. No one should dictate how you might feel, and repressing or shaming emotions is not helpful when you need to work through them to the other side.
Now I have a boy and if I am lucky to have another, I'd happily have another (50/50 chance!) boy even though I'd also grieve again for never having a mother daughter bond (my partner only wants 2, I'd go for a third of we could). It helped me to explore my own ideas about gender, especially in the context of family, my own experiences and beliefs/ family scripts about these. It helps to consider other points of view, if you have any friends who have mixed gender siblings, seeking out positive experiences of this might be helpful. I certainly found reading about people's experiences here helpful, as well as IRL.

These threads are always about boys, why!?

I understand how you feel, I felt like this when I found out I was having ds2, mainly because I knew myself and dp didn't want any more children so the reality of not having a girl really upset me. But now I don't care I won't have a girl because my 2 ds are my world and I've accepted that. Ds1 is 5 ds 2 is 5 months and they love each other. (The fighting will come later probably)

When my baby brother was born I initially stropped about it (as a 7 year old) saying I wished it was a girl. I wanted a sister so much - I used to write letters to an imaginary sister!

I couldn’t have loved my brother more, basically from day one. I thought he was brilliant, loved taking care of him and wouldn’t have swapped him for the world. We’ve grown up close and have also never argued.

I’m sure this doesn’t apply to all sisters either; but all of my friends at school and my cousins only had sisters and they fought like cats and dogs - sometimes physical hitting, sometimes cruel jokes or mind games, and always, always squabbling. I was ultimately relieved I never had a sister!

The feeling will pass and you'll grow fond of the idea of having a little son. You're allowed to be upset, disappointed and any other feeling you have! This is a big surprise and a long awaited one at that, your emotions are all over the place and when they settle you'll be okay. Be kinder to yourself

Hi OP, when I was pregnant with my first (trying for a second now), I was for some reason convinced it was a boy. When we had the scan to reveal it was a girl, I was disappointed. Not because I cared either way or would love her less, I just had built up an image in my head of what my family was going to look like and in some ways it was like saying goodbye to that little boy baby I had envisioned. All totally ridiculous ofcourse!

Needless to say it was forgotten within days (probably even less) and I got excited for my little girl.

And for what its worth, I have an older sister and brother. Brother and I are close, I am not close at all to my sister.

I have 3 brothers and 1 sister, my little brother is one of my closest friends. I barely speak to my sister.

I just want a healthy baby, whatever we have will be loved unconditionally

@MissyB1

Here we go again, it's always the boys that women are disappointed to be having. God knows why.

There's something wrong in our society that boys are considered a disappointment.
Babies are a gift, whatever sex.

What a load of bollocks

OP, I was also dissapointed when I found out which sex my second child was going to be, but soon got used to it once the baby arrived.

If it’s any comfort, I have a much better relationship with both my DBros than I do with my sister.

Initially this thread made me bristle, as these always do. I'm about to go through IVF and cannot see beyond success or failure. I would love a baby, any baby, so much.

However I know how traumatic infertility and IVF are, and how many dreams you have and stories you tell yourself to get through the horrible endless seeming uncertainty, so although I don't think I would feel like this, I think it may stem from the infertility and the dreams you had over those hellish years of trying. Maybe?

I do think this is why you shouldn’t find out the sex before the birth and is why I didn’t. You can’t be disappointed at a real, healthy, lovely baby in the same way that you can when they’re an abstract concept in the womb.

It will pass @Belle82. Good luck.

@MissyB1

Here we go again, it's always the boys that women are disappointed to be having. God knows why.

There's something wrong in our society that boys are considered a disappointment.
Babies are a gift, whatever sex.

I think this is unfair and untrue @MissyB1- I’ve known plenty of women who wanted boys and were disappointed to discover they were having girls and even if that’s not the normal way around that it goes, there are lots of dads who are very vocally gutted to hear they’re having girls. We definitely do not live in a society where boys are “considered a disappointment”.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

Yeah, another boy disappointment but now you’ll get a few posters pop up to say boys love you more, they’re more gentle and adore their mummies bla bla bla. Kids are just kids. It’s all down to their personality not their sex. Putting these twee sick-making connotations on it is just bullshit.

Some things about boys are too harsh to say.

But I’m sure she’ll love her boy once he’s here. Acknowledge you didn’t get the family you imagined and embrace what’s there. It’s all you can do.