Husband won’t agree to third baby

[Emily135]

Hello,

I’m posting on here as I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that my husband doesn’t want any more children.

I have always wanted three children and my two are 4 and 2 now. For the last 6 months (or more) I have been asking my husband to have another baby. We’ve had arguments, sensible conversations on a regular basis. He just won’t budge and I’m feeling really depressed about it.

He also says that if I fell pregnant accidentally he’d be really happy and would love the baby as much as he does the other two! Financially we’d be more than ok with another child, our house is plenty big enough. He just says he doesn’t need another, but I do. I feel it’s really unfair!

I have told him that I’ll always want another baby and I will always regret not doing, but he would never regret having one! Which he agrees with.

I feel like there’s no point to this post really, just wanted advice and to know if anyone else had been through this situation! Xxx

allfurcoatnoknickers good for your friend

In my own experience having a third is a much bigger impact than I imagined - to be brutally honest things are hard third time round - I really appreciate everything with my third as I know they're my youngest and it's the last time I'll do all the stages but some of them are quite tedious third time around ! Also I think you have a second child to give the first company and a third for yourself, I do think three is a crowd and there are never enough parents to go round -my middle is often resentful that we had a third ! So practically two is the sensible choice, also every pregnancy and baby carries risks so your husband probably is delighted with his family and doesn't feel the need to change it or the risks it could bring - from twins to birth complications etc also I think relationships take a kicking with babies and toddlers - our marriage is much better since the youngest was out of nappies .

@allfurcoatnoknickers

One of my friends was in this situation. She desperately wanted a second child and her partner wasn't enthusiastic. She told him she was going to stop using contraception and if he didn't want another child it was on him to sort himself out. He didn't want to use condoms or have a vasectomy so he decided that pulling out would be fine.

She's 20 weeks pregnant with baby 2.

Classy!

@DollyParton2

allfurcoatnoknickers good for your friend

Seconded!!

Havent read it all through but I would say that if he honestly didnt want anymore then he should look into a vasectomy, nothing worse than a relationship falling apart due to things like this simmering and then later on the husband going off and having a new child with someone else with the original wifes biological clock having run out so to say. Mention this to him and see if it sways him one way or the other.

[quote Bizawit]**@Ussernayme* you might want to consider that many of us have had to make these difficult decisions and have thought this through thoroughly.*

Umm what makes you think I haven’t? I just have a different opinion to you.

@lynsey91 She's got 2 children so her desire for children has been fulfilled. She doesn't need 3

This is exactly the kind of statement that troubles me. Clearly her desire for has not been fulfilled as she has clearly stated in her original post. So what makes you think you know more about her desires and needs than she does?[/quote]
So I will ask again, what happens if she has 3 children but her desire for children still exists? She has 4 but feels she still wants more. She has 5 but still desires more?

Ridiculous. As I said, we are humans not animals and are (or should be) capable of making rational and sensible decisions not just going with a whim

Totally agree with him. Very sensible.

[quote dohdohdoh]@lynsey91

*"It's not an excuse, the planet is overpopulated. How on earth can you think it isn't?

The UK is ridiculously overpopulated and I really do not believe that carbon footprints will become smaller and smaller. Each generation has wanted more and more in terms of material items, more holidays abroad, more vehicles (so many households with 2, 3, 4 or more cars), bigger cars which use more fuel etc etc.

More people do need to think about this when decided how many children to have"*

By 2030 you won't even be able to buy a petrol or diesel car in the uk.

Previous generations didn't know/have to worry about climate change - we do and as a result people are altering their behaviours and taking the environment into account already.

Not having children isn't the magical solution to solve climate change - western societies tend to have fewer children than developing countries anyway but a larger carbon footprints. So the thing to focus on is bringing down the carbon footprint! Not the already relatively small families we are having.

Also the population of the UK is an ageing one - people are on the whole having fewer children! Taken from the ONS website:
"The structure of the UK’s population is changing: people living longer and having fewer children means the age structure is shifting towards later ages."
www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/populationandmigration/populationestimates/articles/overviewoftheukpopulation/august2019[/quote]
If you honestly think that by 2030 it won't be possible to buy a petrol or diesel car in the UK you are delusional.

What is going to take their place? Electric cars? Electric cars that need charging so anyone living in a flat with have problems, anyone who can't always park outside their house will have problems. They will need to make them capable of doing far more miles before needing charging if people are going to get them. They also need to come down a hell of a lot in price. Also far far far charging points need to be put in place and the charging time needs to reduce by a lot.

@stairgates

Havent read it all through but I would say that if he honestly didnt want anymore then he should look into a vasectomy, nothing worse than a relationship falling apart due to things like this simmering and then later on the husband going off and having a new child with someone else with the original wifes biological clock having run out so to say. Mention this to him and see if it sways him one way or the other.

Very good point.

@stairgates

Havent read it all through but I would say that if he honestly didnt want anymore then he should look into a vasectomy, nothing worse than a relationship falling apart due to things like this simmering and then later on the husband going off and having a new child with someone else with the original wifes biological clock having run out so to say. Mention this to him and see if it sways him one way or the other.

I don't necessarily agree with that.

Maybe he doesn't want one with her.

Just because he doesn't want a 3rd child, doesn't mean he doesn't want one ever. Who knows what the future holds.

So I will ask again, what happens if she has 3 children but her desire for children still exists? She has 4 but feels she still wants more. She has 5 but still desires more?

OP has stated in her original post that she always wanted three, so no reason to think she is looking for 4,5+. Also presumably at some point there would in any case be significant barriers to having more children and reasons why it would not be feasible (which currently -the OP says -don’t apply in the case of having a 3rd), eg money, house space, age/ fertility, and many others.

@DollyParton2 @Bizawit She was really blunt and upfront about it, and he was still shocked when she said she was pregnant .

Anyway, just a suggestion OP. Tell you're DH you're going to stop using contraception and the baby preventing is on him. You can just be very matter of fact about it. Plus why should you screw with your hormones etc. if you don't want or need to?

Wow. I’ve been offline for a few days (the joys of living in the sticks!) and I’m overwhelmed with the amount of comments and debates going on here 🙈

I’m going to try and reply to you all in one go...

Lots of you are discussing ‘who’s view trumps who’s.’ And I don’t know where I stand on this. I won’t have another baby unless my husband is on board (or we have a genuine accident!) as obviously I can’t. So I guess his views trump mine, fair or not I don’t know.

Those of you who have likened my situation to buying furniture. I’m fully aware of the hard work that babies bring. I have two already with a small age gap. Both suffered with reflux and still don’t sleep brilliantly. It is of course a much more serious situation than that and I genuinely feel like I ‘need’ one more. I have discussed this with my husband and discussed how deeply I feel about this but he doesn’t want to budge.

Also those who suggested I would be attempting to trick my husband into pregnancy couldn’t be more wrong. I wouldn’t have posted on here asking for advice, I’d have just got pregnant ‘accidentally’.

In regards to contraception we currently use withdrawal.. which I know is very unreliable. Although we have been doing this for 7 years and haven’t had an accident. Both our children were conceived the first month we tried so we both know it happens easily. So my husband is aware that an accident could happen very easily but refuses to have the snip.

Some of you asked about my age and family situation. I’m 31 and he’s 32. We’re both healthy but I’m aware the older I get the more chance of complications will arise. We have a great support network around us and are never short of help or babysitters so getting our social life back wouldn’t be an issue.

I don’t think a new hobby will cut it. We live on a farm and have lots of pets already. I work part time too. I’m constantly busy so it’s not that I want something to fill my time with. It’s a baby I want.

I do most of the childcare as my husband works long hours and we have a family day on Sunday, where I do most of the ‘boring jobs’ for the kids and he has all the fun!

I have read some of your comments about therapy and this is something that I may consider. The option of leaving my husband isn’t really an option. I could but I don’t want to. We just need to work our issues out together. Plus I want his baby, not someone else’s!

Thank you to those of you who have understood me and offered support and advice xxx

@lynsey91 that's an assumption. It is at least heading in the right direction.

There are fewer children being born in the uk now than in preceding years, this is a fact (In 2019, there were 712,680 live births in the UK, a decrease of 2.5% from 731,213 in 2018 and the lowest number of live births since 2004. www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/populationandmigration/populationestimates/datasets/vitalstatisticspopulationandhealthreferencetables
It's also widely known this is happening across developed countries.

Saying that people should have to cap the number of children they have because of climate change is just a silly point. The bigger picture is that we are having less children overall already! One woman having a third child isn't going to save the world from climate change 🙄

One woman NOT having a third child isn't going to save the world from climate change 🙄

@Emily135 honestly, you are very young and probably have 15 fertile years left, so if your contraceptive method of choice remains the withdrawal method I would bet my house there'll be at least one more child arriving....

[quote Alfxn]@Emily135 honestly, you are very young and probably have 15 fertile years left, so if your contraceptive method of choice remains the withdrawal method I would bet my house there'll be at least one more child arriving....[/quote]
😁❤️

@Emily135 Hey OP … just wondering, did you
both decide on baby no3? X