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Original poster

Husband won’t agree to third baby

143 replies

Emily135 · 15/05/2021 19:43

Hello,

I’m posting on here as I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that my husband doesn’t want any more children.

I have always wanted three children and my two are 4 and 2 now. For the last 6 months (or more) I have been asking my husband to have another baby. We’ve had arguments, sensible conversations on a regular basis. He just won’t budge and I’m feeling really depressed about it.

He also says that if I fell pregnant accidentally he’d be really happy and would love the baby as much as he does the other two! Financially we’d be more than ok with another child, our house is plenty big enough. He just says he doesn’t need another, but I do. I feel it’s really unfair!

I have told him that I’ll always want another baby and I will always regret not doing, but he would never regret having one! Which he agrees with.

I feel like there’s no point to this post really, just wanted advice and to know if anyone else had been through this situation! Xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
Emily135 · 15/05/2021 23:33

@Schrutesbeets

It’s just how I feel.. I only posted for advice and support due to how I am feeling. Which hasn’t helped much due to some unkind people on here!!

OP posts:
MiddlesexGirl · 15/05/2021 23:36

@StormcloakNord

The person who doesn't want to have a baby always trumps the person who does. It's not buying furniture, it's a bloody baby.

Don't trick your husband and have an "accidental pregnancy" though because that would be unbelievably stupid.

How would it be tricking? If DP doesn't use a condom then he's clearly not too worried about pregnancy.
MiddlesexGirl · 15/05/2021 23:40

Not wanting a baby doesn't 'trump' wanting a baby Hmm

I had to wait two years for my DP to change his mind. Was worth the wait.

RosesAndHellebores · 15/05/2021 23:48

I think it's complicated and his change of mind is a bit of a betrayal vis a vis the agreement before marriage.

We wanted 4. Struggled to have 2. When dd was born he wanted to try for another; I wasn't ready. When I was ready he didn't want to as we had hit a getting easier groove and I was nearly 40 and didn't persist. A bit of me wasn't brave enough to try again (a third trimester and 2 second trimester losses). My only regret in life is not having had the courage to try again. The DC are 26 and 22 now.

CheshireCats · 15/05/2021 23:50

Op, obviously I don't know about your finances, but have you considered that 2 (or 3) teenagers/ young adults in further education cost a LOT more to feed/clothe/support than small children? Teenagers are really expensive to keep!!

andivfmakes3 · 16/05/2021 05:40

It's not being unkind to not agree with you?

You say your finances are fine to be able to afford a 3rd - do you genuinely know that? Have you gone back to work full time with a 4 and 2 year old? Is your DH a high earner or Are you the main earner?

I'm the main earner by a long way, could only take 20 weeks maternity and manage all the household finances so feel I am far more qualified than my DH to say whether or not we can afford more children

I've got 3 month old twins and an older child and would like 1 more. DH wanted to stop at 2 and i always said 3....now we've got 3 I'd like 1 more but maybe that's because we have 2 ready made embryos frozen at an IVF clinic. We could afford it (at a stretch) once the twins get 30 hours childcare

Maybe he would compromise by having a longer gap than 2 years

annie335 · 16/05/2021 05:48

The state the world is in, two is enough imo. We have a moral duty to think about the effects on the planet.

Fieldsofstars · 16/05/2021 06:35

You’ve got 2 choices really haven’t you.

1- respect his opinion
2- leave.

It’s not fair to keep badgering someone about something as big as this when they’ve made it clear they don’t want to.

For what it’s worth, I don’t want a third child. If it happened accidentally I think I would find happiness with it but I don’t want to make it happen or really want it to.

alltheeights · 16/05/2021 07:10

No one has really been unkind or harsh, they have just given you their opinion, which you are bound to get when posting on an open forum.

You will probably feel this comment is harsh and unkind too, because it is not agreeing with you.

drpet49 · 16/05/2021 07:14

** You’ve got 2 choices really haven’t you.

1- respect his opinion
2- leave.

It’s not fair to keep badgering someone about something as big as this when they’ve made it clear they don’t want to.**

^This.

coffeeandjuice · 16/05/2021 07:16

I personally think that if you want three and you can only have two- you're going to have a period of grief for the baby you imagined that won't ever be. I think it's understandable you'll feel really sad about this.

I think it's so hard to come to terms with not having a baby you always wanted. Sorry I don't have any words of advice for this, it's just a sad situation to be in and I really feel for you

Hoppyfrog · 16/05/2021 07:18

@annie335

The state the world is in, two is enough imo. We have a moral duty to think about the effects on the planet.
^This. We do need to face up to how much damage humans are causing to our beautiful planet, and start making better decisions both individually and collectively. Even if it would be easier and less upsetting to just block it out.
Roboticcarrot · 16/05/2021 07:21

@MiddlesexGirl

Not wanting a baby doesn't 'trump' wanting a baby Hmm

I had to wait two years for my DP to change his mind. Was worth the wait.

Of course it does. And your lucky DP, probably badgered into something he didn't really want, what an achievement.
ED81 · 16/05/2021 08:08

I’d say relax a bit and give it time. He might come over to bambino no 3.

But if not, you have 2 healthy children. That’s awesome and very fortunate.

I think we need to all count our blessings in life. Look at what you have right now.

PomegranateQueen · 16/05/2021 08:32

I firmly believe that not wanting a baby trumps wanting a baby.

But he is giving you a very confused messege which is quite unfair given how broody you are. It almost reads like he would quite enjoy another child but really doesn't want to make the firm decision to go ahead and plan another pregnancy. I'm not saying you should 'accidentally' get pregnant, maybe just adress the issue again with him in a few months time.

Ussernayme · 16/05/2021 09:05

Not wanting a baby doesn't 'trump' wanting a baby

It really, really does!

Moonshine11 · 16/05/2021 09:13

Not wanting a baby doesn't 'trump' wanting a baby

1000% it does, it’s not like their disagreeing about what to have for dinner. It’s a baby fgs

Chanel05 · 16/05/2021 09:28

How old are you OP?

Yes you may go through a period of grief that it won't happen but eventually, you will be able to move on.

He may not change his mind ever and yet he may. It is no longer your place to continue to badger him. This will push him away and it comes with the idea that your desire to extend your family comes above his need to be happy where he is and with what he has.

Do you have pets? Could you start a new hobby to channel your feelings into, keeping your mind occupied?

anniee8ava · 16/05/2021 09:28

I was one of three, I always wanted three. My husband has said since the day our second daughter was born he definitely doesn't want another baby. I tried to change his mind, he wouldnt budge so that was that.
Eldest is 10, youngest is 5 and then we got accidently pregnant in January 🤦‍♀️ so our third is due Octobee 2nd and hes actually fine about it, I was so worried he would apply pressure for an abortion but he didnt. Just thought I would give a positive story from a man who I thought would never ever change his mind lol

anniee8ava · 16/05/2021 09:31

And as for 'getting my social life back' the eldest is always out with her friends, she doesn't need much and the youngest has started being really independent and goes to school so i am very excited to have that needy baby stage back again 😍 (I am only 30 so I have time to look forward to more social events in my 40s lol)

hollie29x · 16/05/2021 09:32

@Emily135 I am in a very similar situation to you but my children are 8 & 5. We've had so many chats/arguments about it and my heart genuinely breaks every time he says no. However he has said similar to your partner about not being upset if it did happen but he doesn't want to try.

I've decided I'm just going to not mention it for a few months, he knows I want it and I don't need to keep telling him.

I think it has a lot to do with the fact our children are 'easier' now in terms of sleep etc but he never did night feeds anyway! 🙄

Don't feel bad for wanting another baby even if your partner doesn't feel the same way, you are entitled to feel the way you do and as women we are naturally more maternal and therefore feel the desire so much more.

Here if you need to vent x

Namechangeme1 · 16/05/2021 09:37

In life we don't always yet what we want. I actually believe you're being quite selfish give you already have two children and think your husband is absolutely more than fair to stop a third.

Newmum29 · 16/05/2021 09:45

It’s fine to feel how you feel but I wouldn’t have another. My boss had 3 purely because his wife insisted, he resents her and their youngest so much. Yes your partner said 2 maybe 3 and the comment on 2 of 1 gender and trying for a third but he didn’t know how he’d feel once he had 2 and I don’t think he’s being unreasonable. It’s a huge gamble to think he’d be happy when they’re here and that’s assuming there was no complications.

Original poster
Emily135 · 16/05/2021 10:03

@MiddlesexGirl

Thank you. There’s hope he might change his mind then.

I’m glad you got your longed for baby in the end 💞

OP posts:
Emily6457 · 16/05/2021 10:04

@RosesAndHellebores

Thank you.

This is my worry that I’ll always regret not having another baby! Xx