Husband won’t agree to third baby

[Emily135]

Hello,

I’m posting on here as I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that my husband doesn’t want any more children.

I have always wanted three children and my two are 4 and 2 now. For the last 6 months (or more) I have been asking my husband to have another baby. We’ve had arguments, sensible conversations on a regular basis. He just won’t budge and I’m feeling really depressed about it.

He also says that if I fell pregnant accidentally he’d be really happy and would love the baby as much as he does the other two! Financially we’d be more than ok with another child, our house is plenty big enough. He just says he doesn’t need another, but I do. I feel it’s really unfair!

I have told him that I’ll always want another baby and I will always regret not doing, but he would never regret having one! Which he agrees with.

I feel like there’s no point to this post really, just wanted advice and to know if anyone else had been through this situation! Xxx

I’ve been you OP. Pre kids we’d always discussed having 3 or 4 kids at least but after 2 my DH didn’t want more. It’s been a really hard journey as I so desperately wanted a third and I felt hurt he’d gone back on what we said. He has said that he would have one but it would just be to please me and I just couldn’t do it as I don’t want resentment in the future. Our children are 6 and 9 now though and we’ve spent years going round in circles that I’ve gradually accepted it over the last year or so and actually feel a lot better for it, our relationship is better for it too as we just don’t discuss it now. I’m making the most of every moment with our two now.

@MiddlesexGirl

Not wanting a baby doesn't 'trump' wanting a baby

I had to wait two years for my DP to change his mind. Was worth the wait.

It 100% does. A person can deal with the disappointment of not having a child, it’s not physically, psychologically or financially damaging to anyone.

A person having a child they do not want can be physically, psychologically and financially damaging to the unwilling parent and to the unwanted child.

Not wanting a child always trumps wanting a child. It’s the only logical outcome that doesn’t potentially damaging several people.

If a person is so desperate for another child they can’t cope without one they are free to leave their partner and go and find someone who does want another child.

Been where you are. DH didn’t want another baby. He was happy with what we had and wanted to live our lives contented, rather than keep wanting more. I was very unhappy about it for a very long time. We argued a fair bit about it, which I now regret. I wasted time thinking so much about what I wanted that I forgot to appreciate what I already had.

Now they are teens I am very glad I listened to him and stopped at two. Teens are great fun but hard work emotionally and financially. I would not want to go through the exam period three times and also three times the expense of potential university fees.

I know these logical arguments mean nothing when your heart longs for a baby but they can’t be entirely dismissed - they are the reality of three!! Hope you manage to make peace with this situation OP.

@JollyAndBright I am afraid I fundamentally disagree with you. Many many women have suffered due to not having a child and the grief of losing what may have been whether they have a child or children already.

@RosesAndHellebores I totally disagree. That's the reason why a lot of children are born into this world and fathers disown them because sometimes mothers put pressure on them due to their maternal wants and it's not right.

Let's imagine OP has the child and the father doesn't bond with it and still regrets the decision - then he will put strain on the relationship potentially and be a father to a child that will probably sense he isn't wanted. So essential ruining three peoples lives.

If someone wants something they can't have it's them and only them it will affect not the child, honestly I'm surprised at how mothers put their needs above everyone else's with decisions like this. Madness.

Why should OP be entitled to another child?

Imagine this - your DH wants to move aboard to another country and you don't? Surely, as you already live in this country then that persons decision should be the overriding factor - NOT the person trying to change what already exists?

But it is wholly inaccurate to say a person can deal with the disappointment of not having a child. It's not physically psychologically or financially damaging to anyone.

There was a time when dh wanted to stick at 1; shortly after ds2 was born and died. We had a potentially life changing row. No holds barred and cards on the table. I would have left him because I could not have recovered psychologically without trying again and I needed my husband on my side. Had he not agreed I would never have forgiven him.

Sounds like he's taking the piss op, he doesn't want another but would be happy if it happened?

Tell the grown arse man to make a decision.

@Emily135 I think it’s very important to let your husband have his say in this. Maybe he’s just not ready for it all yet but will be in due time. Nothing worse than falling pregnant and him resenting you/the baby or even both! My OH wants more children in the future but I’ve told him I just can’t go through with it again. Who knows, I might change my mind in the future but as it stands I just couldn’t entertain the thought. So basically time can be a healer, let time pass and meanwhile enjoy the family you do have x

You've got 2 already. That's enough for most people, including your DH. And the world isn't short of people - the human race isn't in danger of fizzling out any time soon.

I’m in a similar position. Kids are 3 and 6 months. I’ve always wanted 3 but DH is adamant we’re sticking at 2. I’m at the point of packing up the newborn stuff and DH wants us to give it all away. I just can’t! I’m going to wait until I’d realistically like to try (in a year or 2) and see how we all feel about it then. Ultimately I think the person who doesn’t want the baby should get their way, but I feel for you because you’re getting really mixed messages here.

@RosesAndHellebores

But it is wholly inaccurate to say a person can deal with the disappointment of not having a child. It's not physically psychologically or financially damaging to anyone.

There was a time when dh wanted to stick at 1; shortly after ds2 was born and died. We had a potentially life changing row. No holds barred and cards on the table. I would have left him because I could not have recovered psychologically without trying again and I needed my husband on my side. Had he not agreed I would never have forgiven him.

Sorry for your loss. But as you acknowledge, you could have left him if what you both wanted no longer aligned. My ex wanted another child and I really, really didn't. I left him because it was draining and ridiculously unfair to keep pressuring me and trying to blackmail me into doing it. I know it is different as the woman carries the child, but its still horrible.

I Couldn’t disagree more with the opinions on this thread. Sounds like your husband is being really selfish OP :(. And before people come shouting how would I feel if the husband was forcing his wife to have a baby- just don’t. It’s not equivalent. Men and women have very different experiences in relation to reproduction. OP is the one who carries the baby, and she has already said she does most of the childcare.

Really sorry to hear that your husband is being so stubborn OP, and not taking your feelings into account. I would say leave him entirely in charge of the contraception, at the v least. Longer term you may wish to think about what is more important to you: the relationship or another baby xx

Sorry to hear it OP.

I do agree with the majority view that not wanting a baby wins over wanting one. Ideally, every baby should be positively wanted by both parents.

Although your DH might not have done all the night feeds and might not be hands on, had you thought about the fact that he might be looking forward to having more time with you out of "mum of tiny baby" mode? Obviously, it is selfish of him, but he might be enjoying having more of you back? Are there things that you might look forward to doing together that might not be possible with a baby in tow? May help to cushion the blow a bit.

@RosesAndHellebores

But it is wholly inaccurate to say a person can deal with the disappointment of not having a child. It's not physically psychologically or financially damaging to anyone.

There was a time when dh wanted to stick at 1; shortly after ds2 was born and died. We had a potentially life changing row. No holds barred and cards on the table. I would have left him because I could not have recovered psychologically without trying again and I needed my husband on my side. Had he not agreed I would never have forgiven him.

I’m very sorry for your loss.

For someone else in that situation the choice would have been to leave the marriage and either have another child alone or look for another partner who does want children,
Or, accepting their husband’s decision not to want another child and go and have counselling to deal with the grief of the loss.

I’m glad that situation worked out for you but I’m certain you are in the minority.

Emotionally blackmailing an unwilling partner into agreeing to have a child they do not truly want usually ended up causing negative repercussions somewhere down the line.

I think you need to respect your DPviews, 3 will split your time and end
Edgy even more and I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to repeat the first 2 years

Some weird opinions on this thread imo!

He's already said he would be happy if it happened by accident OP - why not just suggest NTNP and just seeing what happens? It would be really sad not to give it a shot if this is something you're really longing for and it's something he could take or leave but has admitted he'd be happy about in the end.

Just to give another perspective.

I really wanted a third, DH didn't. We had many long conversations about it and he understood why I did want another, and I understood why he didn't.

In the end, I accepted his reasons and started to think he was actually correct. I stopped thinking about a third and made a conscious effort to enjoy/focus on the two we had and all the things we had to look forward to as we left the baby stage behind.

A few months later, I fell pregnant, very, very unexpectedly. I was devastated as a) I was worried about how DH would react, knowing already how strongly opposed he was to a 3rd b) worried he and other people would think I had done it on purpose and c) worried because I had started to agree with all of DH's reasons for stopping at 2

I raised the idea of not continuing with the pregnancy, which DH was very opposed to. In fact, he was delighted I was pregnant and has been nothing but excited and happy ever since.

I am slowly coming round to the idea but it is a massive shock and I have to be honest and say it's been a bit of a mind fuck. I was set on being a mum of two, and getting 'me' back after years of babies and toddlers. Now I'm back at the beginning again.

I don't really know what point I'm trying to make here. All I would say, is that if he is so dead set on not having a 3rd, he needs to seriously consider having a vasectomy.

@PrimeraVez. That sounds difficult. I hope you start to adjust to the pregnancy very soon.xx

And before people come shouting how would I feel if the husband was forcing his wife to have a baby- just don’t. It’s not equivalent. Men and women have very different experiences in relation to reproduction. OP is the one who carries the baby, and she has already said she does most of the childcare.

Of course it still matters. Yes, women carry the baby and may even do most or all of the childcare but you're mad if you don't think that everyone in a household is massively affected by the arrival of a baby. He absolutely has a right to say that isn't what he wants. Also, what about the baby? Doesn't it have the right to be born to parents who really want it, rather than potentially resent it?

@Ussernayme he said he would be happy if it unexpectedly happened though, so not a case of the baby being resented and unwanted

The funny thing is how many posts appear on mumsnet of women moaning DH isn't helping them with the child and it's putting lots of stress in them - or that DH shows no interest in the child.

Those relationships probably started out something like this - woman wants a baby, man doesn't and woman thinks if she talks him round he will step up to the plate and then it doesn't happen and the woman gets angry.

Honestly, I'm shocked at how some women think maternal rights work it's quite worrying really.

@Ussernayme

And before people come shouting how would I feel if the husband was forcing his wife to have a baby- just don’t. It’s not equivalent. Men and women have very different experiences in relation to reproduction. OP is the one who carries the baby, and she has already said she does most of the childcare.

Of course it still matters. Yes, women carry the baby and may even do most or all of the childcare but you're mad if you don't think that everyone in a household is massively affected by the arrival of a baby. He absolutely has a right to say that isn't what he wants. Also, what about the baby? Doesn't it have the right to be born to parents who really want it, rather than potentially resent it?

I didn’t say his opinion didn’t matter at all, I said it’s not remotely the same, and men and women’s experiences cannot be compared . People are being totally dismissive of the visceral need / desire to have a baby that some women experience. It’s not something trivial that you can just “move on” from. It can cause so much pain and suffering and sadness, and regret which may last a lifetime. It’s the most basic and natural desire in the world. OP’s husband is being really selfish in being so casual with her happiness, especially since there doesn’t seem to be a particularly good reason why they shouldn’t have another. They already have 2 small children, can afford another, and he’s said if she got pregnant by accident he’d be happy anyway! Honestly we live in such a patriarchal society , where women’s needs and desires - especially in relation to reproduction- are so often trivialised and overlooked and men’s perspectives are privileged, regardless of how arbitrary or selfish they may be.

@PrimeraVez ugh how stressful and upsetting for you ❤️. Congratulations on your pregnancy though.

Also think your advice is excellent. OP, tell your DH if he really doesn’t want another baby, you want him to get a vasectomy. That might throw his ‘decision’ into sharp relief.

[quote ED81]@PrimeraVez. That sounds difficult. I hope you start to adjust to the pregnancy very soon.xx[/quote]
Thank you I'm 24 weeks now, so am starting to get my head around it! And after 2 boys, this one is a girl, so that has definitely put a bit of a shine on it for us