Husband won’t agree to third baby

[Emily135]

Hello,

I’m posting on here as I am struggling to come to terms with the fact that my husband doesn’t want any more children.

I have always wanted three children and my two are 4 and 2 now. For the last 6 months (or more) I have been asking my husband to have another baby. We’ve had arguments, sensible conversations on a regular basis. He just won’t budge and I’m feeling really depressed about it.

He also says that if I fell pregnant accidentally he’d be really happy and would love the baby as much as he does the other two! Financially we’d be more than ok with another child, our house is plenty big enough. He just says he doesn’t need another, but I do. I feel it’s really unfair!

I have told him that I’ll always want another baby and I will always regret not doing, but he would never regret having one! Which he agrees with.

I feel like there’s no point to this post really, just wanted advice and to know if anyone else had been through this situation! Xxx

What is it with so many couples wanting 3 (or more children)? Almost all my neighbours with children have at least 3.

The planet is overpopulated and 2 is more than enough.

Be grateful for the 2 you have and make the most of them. You can give 2 children more attention than you can 3

@Bizawit

I Couldn’t disagree more with the opinions on this thread. Sounds like your husband is being really selfish OP :(. And before people come shouting how would I feel if the husband was forcing his wife to have a baby- just don’t. It’s not equivalent. Men and women have very different experiences in relation to reproduction. OP is the one who carries the baby, and she has already said she does most of the childcare.

Really sorry to hear that your husband is being so stubborn OP, and not taking your feelings into account. I would say leave him entirely in charge of the contraception, at the v least. Longer term you may wish to think about what is more important to you: the relationship or another baby xx

The husband is being selfish!!!! Are you for real?

They have 2 children. I assume they are happy, healthy children. Why on earth do they need more? Just give the 2 they have love and attention.

The world is overpopulated and we don't need couples to keep on having children.

If someone would put their wish for a 3rd baby before their partner then they obviously don't love their partner

@lynsey91 clearly you don’t understand the pain of desperately wanting a baby and being unable to fulfil that desire. Having children already doesn’t take that away- have you read stories from women with secondary infertility?
And on your last statement I couldn’t disagree more, I love my partner but would never chose him over my children.

[quote Bizawit]@lynsey91 clearly you don’t understand the pain of desperately wanting a baby and being unable to fulfil that desire. Having children already doesn’t take that away- have you read stories from women with secondary infertility?
And on your last statement I couldn’t disagree more, I love my partner but would never chose him over my children.[/quote]
You wouldn't choose your family unit (in this case a husband and two existing children) over the possibility of having more children?

I didn’t say his opinion didn’t matter at all, I said it’s not remotely the same, and men and women’s experiences cannot be compared . People are being totally dismissive of the visceral need / desire to have a baby that some women experience. It’s not something trivial that you can just “move on” from. It can cause so much pain and suffering and sadness, and regret which may last a lifetime. It’s the most basic and natural desire in the world. OP’s husband is being really selfish in being so casual with her happiness, especially since there doesn’t seem to be a particularly good reason why they shouldn’t have another. They already have 2 small children, can afford another, and he’s said if she got pregnant by accident he’d be happy anyway!Honestly we live in such a patriarchal society , where women’s needs and desires - especially in relation to reproduction- are so often trivialised and overlooked and men’s perspectives are privileged, regardless of how arbitrary or selfish they may be.

Women can move on from their relationships though and find someone else who genuinely wants to be a father. No doubt the reason OPs partner wouldn't mind an accident is because he could then justify not being involved, and gets her off his back. Where is the child in all of this? Are a woman's needs and desires above a child growing up with one parent who resents them and their partner? And of course having another child impacts the man, unless OP pays for everything, can magic more space in the home out of thin air, pay fully for any childcare etc.

@youvegottenminuteslynn ok well that’s a slightly different question. That’s certainly not an easy situation by any means, which is why I think the OP’s DH should be less casual with her happiness.

[quote Bizawit]@youvegottenminuteslynn ok well that’s a slightly different question. That’s certainly not an easy situation by any means, which is why I think the OP’s DH should be less casual with her happiness.[/quote]
But it's the situation OP is in. So I was interested to hear if in her situation you would still choose the possibility of a baby you want over staying with your husband, with whom you already had children.

If not, saying you would never choose your husband over your children feels like language designed to make OP feel her husband is making her choose between him or her children - and you saying you would choose the children. He isn't asking her to make that choice though, he's just saying he doesn't want more children than the two they already have.

@Bizawit

We’ve had arguments, sensible conversations on a regular basis.

And this doesn't sound like he's being casual with her happiness. It sounds like they've spoken about it loads and his stance hasn't changed and neither has hers. Is she being casual with his happiness in that case?

I get it OP. I accepted my DH's view on 3DC but it was hard. It isn't something that's easy to explain without sounding selfish but it was for me a difficult thing to get over.

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@Bizawit

We’ve had arguments, sensible conversations on a regular basis.

And this doesn't sound like he's being casual with her happiness. It sounds like they've spoken about it loads and his stance hasn't changed and neither has hers. Is she being casual with his happiness in that case? [/quote]
No because he’s also said he’d be really happy if she accidentally got pregnant, and acknowledges that whilst she would always regret not having another child, he would never regret having on. His reasons are simply he doesn't feel he “needs” another child, and therefore won’t budge. Its completely self absorbed. Its not even clear that he actively doesn’t want another child (he just doesn’t actively want one), and even if it could be said that he doesn’t want one, his feelings / desires not to have a child , are clearly not equivalent to her desire to have one. It sounds like OP feels her happiness depends on it, that is not the case for her DH.

Interesting fishandchips that you think women can move on easily from one relationship to another to fulfil their desires for children. I seem to recall that the vows we made before God were: for the avoidance of sin, the procreation of children and for mutual comfort.

How very interesting that you seem to think that a profound spiritual bond can be so easily broken and that there may be no damage to existing children if they are or that they should be deprived of full siblings or a stable home.

Marriage is not and should not be a casual thing. There are of course fundamental reasons why a marriage should and may end but the desire for a child or another child should not be an isolated reason.

Your feelings are completely valid and your wants/desires should be considered. His is the same. They are in conflict and yes I agree with pp that the choice not to have one takes precedent. In terms of him saying he would be happy if it came accidentally I understand this. He couldn’t for example say he would be really upset and not want an accidental child as that is likely rarely to be the case but that he is happy with the family unit as it is and doesn’t want to introduce a new baby by choice which would change the dynamic. Babies are hard even if you are doing the lion share of the work so it is good he is thinking through its impact on everyone and communicating with you. It doesn’t really help you get what you want though. Also I do know many women who have become particularly broody and desperate for another baby once their youngest reaches toddler age... this may or may not be true of your situation but in each of their cases it does pass and they came to acceptance once they were done (mostly at 2 babies)

@yovegottenminuteslynn I said that in response to a previous poster who said that ‘anyone who would choose their desire to have another baby over their husband obviously doesn’t love their husband’. I disagree with that entirely. Relationships break down all the time when one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t. It’s not for lack of love.

You then introduced another question , about the existing children and the stability of the family unit. Yes it would be a lot for the OP to walk away in this situation. I don’t know enough about her circumstances/ relationship to know what I would do. But I don’t think it’s black and white. The OP desires another child, she’s always wanted 3 children, it is something she feels very strongly about/ appears to be important for her life/ her happiness. A partner who is going to be obstinate and careless in his refusal of something like that, for no better reason than he doesn’t feel he personally “needs” it himself, doesn’t sound like a very good partner, and it doesn't sound like a recipe for happiness if it is something she will always regret giving up. What if she wanted something for her career? And wanting/ needing a baby can be so much more powerful than that. Why are people so dismissive of this?

@Bizawit

A partner who is going to be obstinate and careless in his refusal of something like that, for no better reason than he doesn’t feel he personally “needs” it himself, doesn’t sound like a very good partner, and it doesn't sound like a recipe for happiness if it is something she will always regret giving up.

I agree no partner should ever be obstinate or careless in regards to a partners feelings.

I just didn't think it sounded like OP's partner had been either of those things, it sounds like they've had many discussions and just don't agree on this issue.

Will have to agree to disagree on her partner's approach I guess!

My friend's desire for a 3rd baby when her husband was resolute about not wanting another ended her marriage. They got divored after a couple of years of relentless nagging and emotional blackmail on her part. With hindsight, she now wishes she'd prioritised her marriage and the two existing children.

Are you a SAHM or do you work? Personally I was more than happy with 2 so don't really get why you want a third and will you want to stop there or apply pressure for a 4th? Perhaps that is why he is happy to say 2 is enough. There are all kinds of reasons why your husband doesn't want a 3rd. Maybe now your youngest is 2 he doesn't want to go back to sleepless nights or nappies or maybe he is expecting you to go back to work or work longer hours? Has he told you why he doesn't want another yet says he would be ok if it happened accidentally? Mixed messages there.

I think OP can say I respect that you do not want more children , however because I want another child; I am not going to take hormonal contraception or have an implant or coil inserted, neither will I take morning after pill or get an abortion if I get pregnant, but because I respect you I would never sabotage any contraception you choose to use or lie about what time of the month it is ( if you are using a combination of condoms and fertility windows etc)
That seems fair enough, if OP's DH is absolutely sure he wants no more children he can get a vasectomy

@TeacupDrama

Absolutely agree!

I guess so. What I don’t understand is why people are drawing an equivalence between OP’s desire to have another child and her partner’s not wanting another. And saying “they just don’t agree”. (Oh and in this situation OH’s opinion automatically trumps apparently).

OP’s desire to have a child is clearly so deeply felt and important, and for DH it is more an absence of an active desire to have a baby. For example, DH said if she accidentally got pregnant he would be really happy and he would not regret having another baby. If he felt so strongly about not wanting a third / had really good reasons for not wanting another that his happiness rested on, how could that be the case?

Would OP ever feel able to say, “ if we did try for another baby and it turns out we couldn’t have them due to fertility issues, I would actually be totally fine with that / would never look back / have regrets”. Of course not (presumably!) I imagine that would be painful too, even though she would learn to live with it.

@TeacupDrama

I think OP can say I respect that you do not want more children , however because I want another child; I am not going to take hormonal contraception or have an implant or coil inserted, neither will I take morning after pill or get an abortion if I get pregnant, but because I respect you I would never sabotage any contraception you choose to use or lie about what time of the month it is ( if you are using a combination of condoms and fertility windows etc) That seems fair enough, if OP's DH is absolutely sure he wants no more children he can get a vasectomy

@TeacupDrama agree!

[quote Bizawit]@yovegottenminuteslynn I said that in response to a previous poster who said that ‘anyone who would choose their desire to have another baby over their husband obviously doesn’t love their husband’. I disagree with that entirely. Relationships break down all the time when one partner wants kids and the other doesn’t. It’s not for lack of love.

You then introduced another question , about the existing children and the stability of the family unit. Yes it would be a lot for the OP to walk away in this situation. I don’t know enough about her circumstances/ relationship to know what I would do. But I don’t think it’s black and white. The OP desires another child, she’s always wanted 3 children, it is something she feels very strongly about/ appears to be important for her life/ her happiness. A partner who is going to be obstinate and careless in his refusal of something like that, for no better reason than he doesn’t feel he personally “needs” it himself, doesn’t sound like a very good partner, and it doesn't sound like a recipe for happiness if it is something she will always regret giving up. What if she wanted something for her career? And wanting/ needing a baby can be so much more powerful than that. Why are people so dismissive of this?[/quote]
But imagine walking away from your marriage because of your desire to have a third child...resulting in you maybe only seeing your existing children 50% of the time? I'm sorry but that is totally bizarre prioritisation.

Absolutely no one needs or is entitled to a child. Utter madness.
Having children is an inherently selfish thing. People decide to have kids because they want to. Not for the potential good of a person who doesn't exist yet.

@CornishGem1975 but why would it all be on OP?
Equally, imagine destroying your wife’s happiness, and breaking up your family, because you didn’t feel you needed another child and wanted to put your foot down (even though you’d be perfectly happy, if it did happen by accident).

As I’ve said repeatedly I think there are three assumptions being repeatedly made here by pps that need challenging and are not supported by OP’s account of the situation:

1. the OP’s desire for a third child is trivial;

2. The OP’s desire to have another child is equivalent to her partner’s desire not to have another child.

3. In circumstances such as no 2) the desire not to have a child automatically takes precedence.

@Boogiethebeat

Absolutely no one needs or is entitled to a child. Utter madness. Having children is an inherently selfish thing. People decide to have kids because they want to. Not for the potential good of a person who doesn't exist yet.

@Boogiethebeat utter tripe. The need for a child can be as visceral and powerful as the need to eat lunch or to take a poo. The inability to have a child can utterly destroy a person’s health- physically and mentally, and ruin their life. You may not have experienced this yourself but it is very real.

Ever since my second was born I’ve always wanted 3. My husband has been very happy with 2. For a number of reasons (health and work) it was completely off the table for a few years. Once my youngest was about 4 I brought it up again. My husband changed his mind a bunch of times about whether to go for number 3. Last year he said he was definitely done with 2.
We have a big enough house, and can afford 3 kids (we both work and contribute equally financially). It really upset me, but I wouldn’t never have wanted a baby if he was 100% on board. At the start of this year I asked him to get a vasectomy if he was really done so I could move it n and he back flipped again! Despite the fact I’m now 39, I fell pregnant straight away. I’m going to have a big age gap (9 and 7 years) between my older 2 kids, which is not what I wanted, but I am so thrilled to be having 1 more. My husband is also super excited (although is getting his vasectomy tomorrow!)
Anyway- my point is, give it time. It may or may not happen, but your kids are super young still. I never thought I’d have such a huge age gap, but I’m feeling absolutely blessed to be having number 3.