'Was it planned?'

[HeyDW96]

Posted this on the AIBU board but wanted to know thoughts..

Is it okay for people's first question when they find out you're expecting to be 'was it planned?'

I actually find this question extremely irritating and intruding! I get it from work colleagues (who aren't friends) a lot! I didn't mind my family asking too much but I don't really want to share the conception circumstances of our first child with people I merely work with.

Am I the only one that wouldn't ask someone this!? I get it so often!!

Is there a reason people think you didn’t plan it? Perhaps they think of you as career oriented or are of the opinion you should be married for a certain amount of time first. Sometimes people just don’t know what to say and since it’s too early to do the standard “you’re so big/small” they opt for planned instead.

Its fucking nosey. Even the cow midwife asked that.

Ugh, I remember my (male) boss asking me this! I mean, what is the right answer?! 'No we had too much to drink one night' or 'yeah, we've been at it like rabbits for months'
Most people just seem to blurt it out without thinking how intrusive they are being - but YANBU

40% are not planned , it's a conversation starter.

You're projecting your own insecurities about your conception

I find it really rude. I was always tempted to say “well no, I’m not sure who the father is” type response and see how people reacted. I did actually laugh a couple of times and say “why do you ask” when it happened. I was engaged and in my late twenties when I had my first DC so seemed an odd question

I think its rude, I would never ask anyone that!! Because what if it wasnt planned and theyve spent the last 8 weeks struggling to come to terms with it and then someone goes and asks that!

One of my students asked me that! They were in their early 20s too I was pretty shocked to be asked that but they didn't mean it in a rude way.

@waitinggame108 I'm not insecure about my conception, my baby was planned and we conceived quickly. Sharing the story makes me squirm for a lot of reasons but also because I am very aware of people in the same department who suffer with fertility issues (ectopic pregnancy and recurrent miscarriages), they probably think about conception enough without hearing how fast people can fall pregnant, that's all.

@QueefBee I think it's a reasonable question from a midwife. Planned Vs unplanned will come with a whole host of differing emotions and possible circumstances, it's just part of the assessment.
I don't deny there are ways to ask things, and for what it's worth I think it's intrusive and unnecessary coming from colleagues etc.

I would deem it rude. To me they would only be asking this if they thought for some reason the circumstances were somewhat not ideal.

Try and not get offended. It is literally a conversation starter like talking of the weather. Ok, so yeah you do get the office gossip wanting to know. But generally people are just wanting to congratulate you on something you was hoping for. So ask, by this if this was what you was hoping for. Or if they maybe need to be a bit more tactful if it wasn't and been a huge shock you are adjusting to/going to have money worries etc. Anyway hope you get what I mean

My mother asked me this. Well, her exact words were "I thought you'd have given up by now" (prior miscarriages and aged 38 when DD was born). She also asked me "what does DP think about this?", rather implying I'd gone about it all without telling him. 😂 Needless to say, I'm LC with DM.

Personally, I think it's rude but that is absolutely my own projection. I'd never think to ask.

I think it's fine for the midwife to ask it, they have to assess your emotional state around things and planned vs unplanned may be very different emotions! Same as them having to ask if your partner is actually the father etc, it's not nosiness it's so they can get an insight into any potential issues that might crop up during pregnancy.

But yes I'd be taken aback if a random person or work colleague I'm not close to asked me it.

Side note - I am absolutely okay with answering any and all of the midwives questions. I think they ask so many to gauge your home circumstances and your relationship with said father as they are unlikely to meet them early on (especially during covid)

@PurpleMustang

Try and not get offended. It is literally a conversation starter like talking of the weather. Ok, so yeah you do get the office gossip wanting to know. But generally people are just wanting to congratulate you on something you was hoping for. So ask, by this if this was what you was hoping for. Or if they maybe need to be a bit more tactful if it wasn't and been a huge shock you are adjusting to/going to have money worries etc. Anyway hope you get what I mean

100% agree

I got it a lot, but i was just married and i was young to get married in my circle.

I always thought it was kinda funny. "Were you deliberately having unprotected sex or are you just careless?" Such a strange thjng thing to ask someone.

@QueefBee

Its fucking nosey. Even the cow midwife asked that.

It’s a standard question when pregnant from a HCP looking after you. When I had DC1 it was even a tick box in the booklet I had to fill out.

No i disagree even the midwife should not ask she could say how do you feel about the pregnancy or do you have any concerns not ask whether planned or not.

Just because its the way thibgs been done doesnt mean we cant disagree, improve or change them. The status quo is not a good enough excuse to shut down opinions or ignore feelings about this.

@QueefBee

No i disagree even the midwife should not ask she could say how do you feel about the pregnancy or do you have any concerns not ask whether planned or not.

But they are two different questions, especially if the first time you see your midwife is at eight or ten weeks.

There will always be someone who is sensitive about one or more of the hundreds of questions asked but the NHS isn’t there to pander to that and avoid asking things.

@queefbee it's a good question though, it gives you an instant overview of a person's situation and i would bet it's less likely to be answered with a lie than "how do you feel" because it is a yes/no question and much, much less emotionally loaded.

I get it so often!!

Maybe you didn't seem broody? Which is acceptable way to feel. More than one person said I wasn't the maternal type. They were right!

I can't get the offence unless you think that unplanned pregnancy is something to be ashamed of.

@QueefBee

Just because its the way thibgs been done doesnt mean we cant disagree, improve or change them. The status quo is not a good enough excuse to shut down opinions or ignore feelings about this.

Agreed but in the same vein most people have expressed their own opinion that they are fine with the midwife asking the question, without shutting down your opinion in doing so.

People may not disagree with the status quo, it doesn't mean we're all just placid creatures who get on with it. Personally I think the midwife asking such questions is a good way of opening up a difficult conversation if someone is struggling to express whether they want to continue with the pregnancy, for example.

I’m one of a large family and mum used to get fed up with people commenting on the number of kids.

She ended up pretending that she was unaware how the whole baby thing worked and would look at dad and say ‘it’s something in the coffee isn’t it??

@QueefBee

Its fucking nosey. Even the cow midwife asked that.

That's standard. There are various risk factors associated with unplanned pregnancy- it's part of an overall assessment