'Was it planned?'

[HeyDW96]

Posted this on the AIBU board but wanted to know thoughts..

Is it okay for people's first question when they find out you're expecting to be 'was it planned?'

I actually find this question extremely irritating and intruding! I get it from work colleagues (who aren't friends) a lot! I didn't mind my family asking too much but I don't really want to share the conception circumstances of our first child with people I merely work with.

Am I the only one that wouldn't ask someone this!? I get it so often!!

Yes so rude!

I had a baby 2 weeks ago and we had our second boy (we didn't find out gender until birth ) and when we announced to family friends the amount of ' oh - you going to try for another one and hope you have a girl ' was unbelievable!

It's very rude and certainly not a question I'd ever ask anyone.

I was asked this question at the hospital when I was miscarrying, they also asked me how long I'd been with my partner. Maybe there is a genuine reason for it but I found it incredibly upsetting. What did it matter?! I was clearly very upset about the loss whether it was planned or not (it was) and what was the relevance of the relationship length?

I'm pregnant again, my partner and I aren't married (although we plan to be eventually) and I look younger than I am so I'm expecting lots of similar questions this time around too.

So rude, I wouldn’t dream of asking such a nosy question. I can totally see why a midwife would ask though.

This drove me crazy when I first announced my pregnancy. The problem is that people do see it as a normal, prosaic question to ask (usually the first question) when you get pregnant, regardless of how well they know you. But it's basically the same as asking what's been going on in your sex life for the past months/years. Have you had a long, distressing conception? Did the condom split, maybe, or, you know, what happened here...? Details please. No no no, this is not a conversation starter. If someone wants to share these details they will, otherwise please stop asking this question.

A random waitress asked me this in-front of my parents, thought it was an odd thing to ask

A very irritating question.

I would answer "How do you mean?" They then have to say something, and hopefully get embarrassed. Then answer "Why do you ask?" with a smile

I can’t believe that’s it’s something that people think it’s okay to ask!! I’m 14 weeks and have only told a few people so far. I was medication before TTC so had to wean off everything months before. Unplanned wasn’t really an option. My close family know this anyway.

I don’t know if work colleagues will ask. I got married about 2 years ago and in my late 20s so not exactly rocket science that it was probably planned

"No, Doris, I spent five years and 40k on fertility treatment by accident. You know how it is; you pop to Cardiff for the day to visit the Doctor Who Experience before it closes and one thing leads to another and oops, you've had an embryo transferred..."

I told my (1male and 1 female ) bosses when I was 8 weeks (6 weeks after my wedding day) and my male bosses first response was 'well you didn't waste any time!' 😂 some people would take offence but I didn't. I think with things like this it greatly depends how you as a person take things.

I find it rude and intrusive but wouldn’t say that to the person I’d just be annoyed on the inside!
They are basically asking about your sex life so it’s far too personal in my view. I would never dream of asking people personal questions like this. Nobody knows what difficulties someone might have gone through fertility wise and they may have been through a traumatic experience.

I think it's rude too, especially in certain contexts, but many people seem to think it's okay to ask! Nearly all my female work colleagues asked me if my third pregnancy was planned, I understand that you might be curious but that doesn't make it okay to ask. I don't mind a close friend asking, but work colleagues - no.

When I was getting married - a friend of my sisters first comment was ‘is she pregnant?’. Eh??

It’s normal to be asked by healthcare professionals to asses so many things. To get that question from ordinary people is just wierd . No one ever asked me that apart from during my hospital/GP /midwife appointments

Midwife, absolutely fine - anyone else? Incredibly rude.

I had this from my DH Granny and his brother when we announced we were expecting our second DC. Our first DC was 18 months old, and I'd been very unwell mentally after I had him, so people probably thought we were mad, but I thought them both incredibly rude and found it a bit upsetting at the time, to be honest.

Now of course, it doesn't bother me a bit.

Currently pregnant with DC3, we haven't told anyone yet but I'm fully prepared for the same from them, owing to the largish age gap we have between this one and our first two DC.

I find it very rude.

I'm currently expecting our 5th.
I get asked was it planned, how will I cope.
I also get told I am mad and off my head.
I get asked if my husband is happy.

I find that one really stupid. Of course, hes happy.
All our children were planned except number 5 was a wonderful surprise. I hate the term mistake. A surprise is so much better.
We were sort of trying but it wasnt happening and then i found out at the end of Ramadan while I was fasting hahaha. With no idea, so I disnt need to fast at all as pregnant and breastfeeding women are exempt from Fasting during the month of Ramadan.

I've been asked that more times than I can remember and I've challenged a few people as to why they would ask. Mixed replies of....

• you're very career orientated
• we know you enjoy your holidays and finer things
• just never thought you'd ever have them
• that they are personally struggling to conceive themselves and wanted to know to 'make themselves feel better' or 'ask for advice'

I'd like to think it comes from a good place but it is point blank rude. It's along the same lines of when people ask 'so when are you having kids?' ....we've all been asked it at some point 🤷🏼‍♀️

MIL asked us this immediately after we announced to her. It really pissed me off actually as it was the first thing she said!

Random person on the street asking = extremely rude
Colleage asking = also extremely rude
Close friend asking = possibly rude, depends on how much you tell them about your personal life
Midwife/medical professional asking = acceptable

I find it rude and wouldn't ask it unless it was someone really close but then I suspect in telling me the news they'd mention it. I'm 14 weeks now and we're about to start telling people. I expect this question to come or be assumed that we didn't plan from some quite bitter and judgemental people. Especially as we're not married.

This is one of my ultimate pet hates! I'm pregnant with baby #3 and have had it multiple times with each baby. I find it incredibly rude and nosey. If you don't know the person well enough to know if they were trying or not - you shouldn't be asking personal questions like this.

Oh, I get this all the time. Rude and intrusive. Unless you're a medical professional or a VERY close friend (even then thin ice).

One time an acquaintance asked "was it planned?", I replied "you can't ask someone that, it's quite invasive."

She nodded sagely and went, "oh, that means it wasn't. I'm sorry for you."

WHY do people think they can ask this?!?!?!?!?!?!?

If you want a baby-related conversation starter there are SO many more options.

Intrusive rather than invasive, I would suggest.

Completely fine from a midwife, though.