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Original poster

Baby’s last name - how much does it matter?

116 replies

swiftt · 10/11/2020 21:49

As the title says... how much does baby’s last name matter? I’m way too early to be thinking about this really, but I stumbled across another post that got me thinking. I’m not with the father, he has said he wants be involved and his family are very excited by the sounds of it so I am expecting them to quite involved. However, I’m under no illusions that I’m most likely going to be a single parent, so I’m now wondering what sort of issues having a different last name to baby may create? Would it logistically be more beneficial to have the same name? I’m not too bothered about having a different name, and wouldn’t want to upset him or his family be going with my name. But trying to think practically!

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CodenameVillanelle · 10/11/2020 21:52

Why on earth wouldn't you give your baby your last name though?
Seriously, why?

Elvesinquarantine · 10/11/2020 21:54

Your pregnancy, your labour, your birth, your name...
1 tiny tiny sperm donation doesn't deserve a surname imo...

Original poster
swiftt · 10/11/2020 21:54

@CodenameVillanelle I honestly have no idea. I had assumed baby would have his surname until I started to think about it tonight, and now I’m trying to figure out why I assumed that in the first place!

OP posts:
nicciw87 · 10/11/2020 21:54

Use your last name or double barrel if you feel you want to. But travelling with passports in different names you would need to take birth certificate plus if he decided to be awful afterwards you will always regret not giving baby your name

whatswithtodaytoday · 10/11/2020 21:55

If you're not going to marry (or even live with) the father, it makes absolutely no sense to give the baby his name. He says he wants to be involved but, but what happens when he meets someone else and has a family with them?

Pebbledashery · 10/11/2020 21:56

Please don't give him your surname and as vindictive as it sounds don't put him on the birth certificate either.. I wish I hadn't done either of those things and now I'm battling my ex in Court. Please don't do it.

CodenameVillanelle · 10/11/2020 21:56

[quote swiftt]@CodenameVillanelle I honestly have no idea. I had assumed baby would have his surname until I started to think about it tonight, and now I’m trying to figure out why I assumed that in the first place![/quote]
Since you aren't in a relationship with him it would be really really mad to give the baby his surname.

If you're 'traditional' then the baby should have your surname anyway since you aren't married and didn't take his name at any point. Tradition NEVER dictated that unmarried women gave their children the father's surname.

RebeccaCloud9 · 10/11/2020 22:00

I gave my children their father's surname but it was under the assumption that we would be married in the not so distant future and I wanted us all to have the same surname.

We are now married and all have the same surname.

I absolutely would not have given them his name if I didn't think that would happen and I would not want to have had a different surname from them for long!

It was a total pain having to get a signed letter from my partner to take abroad when travelling with my parents and not him, and we lived together! Things like that would be harder if you are not together.

carly2803 · 10/11/2020 22:01

@Elvesinquarantine

Your pregnancy, your labour, your birth, your name... 1 tiny tiny sperm donation doesn't deserve a surname imo...
this

plus different name at schools (lets face it single mothers do the majority)!, holidays/carrying birth certificates to prove THEY ARE YOUR CHILD?!

nah... unless married, i am a firm believer the child should have the mother's name, even in a partnership!

I have little to no respect for mothers who give a child their fathers name as "they think its the right thing to do", and then split with them and moan about it and give them all a lifetime of misery

Original poster
swiftt · 10/11/2020 22:01

@CodenameVillanelle To be honest, I don’t really know of many women who have had children when they weren’t with the father so had no idea what the norm was in that situation. I’ve always just seen babies named with the fathers surname. But it’s definitely something I need to think about!

I know this sounds daft, but I prefer his surname to mine and it almost feels like a dick move to use my name instead, almost like I’d be spiting him when he hasn’t done anything wrong? I’m really just trying to find out the practical reasoning for it - so travel could potentially be a bit more of a hassle, but is there anything else? Other than the attachment to a name, or the judgement of having a different surname?

OP posts:
Ughmaybenot · 10/11/2020 22:03

There is absolutely no valid reason to give baby his surname, I really don’t know why you’re even considering it. Absolutely give baby your surname.
I don’t agree with leaving him off the birth certificate personally, but that’s another matter.

Scarydinosaurs · 10/11/2020 22:05

Different names at doctors.

He refuses to ever see the child- what then?

Why would you??

user115632569541 · 10/11/2020 22:07

Reason? How about the fact this child is not his possession or ego boost?

it almost feels like a dick move to use my name instead

You need better boundaries. This is bonkers and upsetting all at the same time.

Children take the mother's surname.

RunningFromInsanity · 10/11/2020 22:07

In the future if you get married to someone else and take his name, they will have a different surname. You won’t be allowed to change theirs. It can often make them feel less of a family unit.

But mostly it’s the ease of having the same surname for travel, admin.

BigBlueHouseBear · 10/11/2020 22:08

I gave my dc their father's surname as I did think we would get married but that never happened and we split when they were 2. They are now 20. If I were to do it over I would have given them my surname.

But in 20 years I have never had to carry a birth certificate or prove my child was mine and we have traveled all over Europe and the USA. Having a different surname has never caused any issue at all. I have occasionally been called Mrs Xsurname by school/doctor etc but in the grand scheme of things that wasn't really an issue.

RainingBatsAndFrogs · 10/11/2020 22:08

and wouldn’t want to upset him or his family be going with my name

Why would they be more upset than your family? Why does a man and a man’s family think they have an automatic right to have a child given their name?

As a single mother definitely give your child your name. MN is busy with women who wished they had given their children their own name.

To give your child a link to both parents you could use his surname as an extra middle name?

Pebbledashery · 10/11/2020 22:09

@carly2803 wish you could have shouted this at me 2 years ago.. I regret giving my daughter his surname. Absolutely hate it.

Suzi888 · 10/11/2020 22:12

You prefer his surname so use it if you want to or both names.

Original poster
swiftt · 10/11/2020 22:12

@user115632569541 like I’ve explained, I genuinely wasn’t aware that it was commonplace for children to take their mothers names in this sort of situation. The people I know who have had children have been in relationships, and the baby has always taken the father’s name. To me, it’s just a name so I’m trying to find out the reasoning behind it, and what difference it makes at the end of the day. I should also say I haven’t even broached this conversation with him yet, but I just assumed from the off that baby would have his name, so I’m thinking he will be of the same assumption.

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Original poster
swiftt · 10/11/2020 22:14

@Suzi888 I do! But judging from the replies here, now I’m worried that I’m making some sort of massive mistake by using his name.

Those who are saying they regret giving baby the fathers name, can I ask why?

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user115632569541 · 10/11/2020 22:16

In the future if you get married to someone else and take his name, they will have a different surname. You won’t be allowed to change theirs. It can often make them feel less of a family unit.

Yup. All this mithering about not upsetting the father, not upsetting his family. Where do you, and more importantly, your child feature in the priority list? Why aren't you even on the list?!

Don't you think your child might want to have the same name as you? Want to feel accepted and connected with you? Not want to have to explain all the time why you didn't think they were important enough to share your name? Being the odd one out? Feeling even more rejected if the father flakes out and they're stuck with his name?

It's the child that matters.

Runnerduck34 · 10/11/2020 22:17

FGS give the baby your surname! You are carrying it, giving birth to it and sounds like you will doing majority of the child raising. I disagree with the tradition of giving the child the dads name particularly if parents arent together.

SummerHeatwave · 10/11/2020 22:20

I echo the above. Without a doubt, please give baby your surname.

Original poster
swiftt · 10/11/2020 22:21

This is honestly really interesting, I appreciate the opinions! I’m definitely thinking about it in a different way now, rather than it being ‘just a name’.

OP posts:
ILoveAnOwl · 10/11/2020 22:23

I'm married to the DCs dad, but didn't take his surname. Never had a problem as such, but I always take marriage cert and birth cert when we travel abroad. Often called 'Owl Dcssurname' at nursery/school. Biggest issue is the DCs hate me having a different name to them. So in your case I'd give the baby my surname so we 'matched' as that's what my DCs would prefer.