Baby’s last name - how much does it matter?

[swiftt]

As the title says... how much does baby’s last name matter? I’m way too early to be thinking about this really, but I stumbled across another post that got me thinking. I’m not with the father, he has said he wants be involved and his family are very excited by the sounds of it so I am expecting them to quite involved. However, I’m under no illusions that I’m most likely going to be a single parent, so I’m now wondering what sort of issues having a different last name to baby may create? Would it logistically be more beneficial to have the same name? I’m not too bothered about having a different name, and wouldn’t want to upset him or his family be going with my name. But trying to think practically!

I have recently had this discussion with a relative. She is pregnant at the start of a very new relationship. They are going to see if it works. I said to her to give the baby her surname and if the relationship works out then maybe they can get married and all change names if she chooses. She didn't seem to get it. I don't have much faith in the relationship but that's a whole other thread. I relayed a couple of cautionary tales from friends that have ended up with children with different surnames and no dad's around.
You are doing the heavy lifting, give the baby your surname

Give the baby your surname100%. Even if you are not keen on it. As PP, I don't know why you would even consider giving the father's name.

In your situation I’d give the baby your surname. I’m not married and gave my children oh surname, we are together and he did want to marry me immediately after the first was born. He still wants to marry me, it’s me that won’t get married. I’ll probably agree at some point when the children are older.

@MrGorksy honestly? I don’t know him that well at all. I’ve known him since June. with regards to the birth certificate, what are the implications of naming him on it or not? Sorry, aware I sound totally naive but never thought I’d be in this situation so have no idea about the ins and outs of these things.

What if he decides he doesn't want any contact in the future?

Oh OP, I was sleeping with DS’ dad infrequently from the September, we officially got together in the April and I told him I was pregnant mid August. Very similar to you. Please give the baby your surname.

I can’t think of any good reason for the baby to have his name. Babies tend to get their father’s name out of tradition when it’s a family name shared by the mother too, but where that isn’t the case (as is obviously very common and normal now) there is no reason for it to be his name. You are the one who has grown and will birth the baby, you will be primary carer, you will do most of the raising of the baby. It should, without a doubt, be your name to show that you are your baby’s primary family and carer, and to save you any future administrative awkwardness over the baby having a different name to you.

There is no way I would have a different surname to my child, I think when baby is born you will feel very differently.

The birth certificate is a legal document that confers shared parental responsibility to the father (mother has it automatically). It means that technically speaking you'd need his consent to take the child out of the country (ever, not just to live, for holidays as well) and for big decisions like schools and health treatment.
Practically speaking if the dad vanishes and you never see him this consent will not be asked for but if he stays around and becomes an arsehole (very possible) he could make your life very difficult by exercising his PR. He doesn't have to even have contact with the child to veto decisions you've made by applying to court or just contacting people himself and providing a copy of the birth certificate.
You can still apply for child maintenance if he isn't on it but he can make you get a DNA test if he wants to and he can still always apply to be on the birth certificate at any point which will be granted if he can prove either biological parenthood or that you have acknowledged him as the father in the past.

In your circumstances I'd definitely give baby your last name since you're not together, but as an aside I'm not sure where people get this 'you couldn't travel together without taking a birth certificate' line.

I've worked in travel and booking flights almost all my life and this has literally never been an issue for any of my clients. Either they've all been lucky or it just isn't a thing

OP, give the child your surname. It might seem trivial now but you need to future-proof it.
The best example I can give is my boss's. Her eldest child has his dads name, she then met and married another man. They had a child together. Husband and youngest child both have husbands surname and she kept her maiden name.
Eldest child's dad is rarely in the picture, he refused consent to change child's name. He also makes getting any legal documents difficult, like passports. Child adores his SD and wants to have the same name as his family. Boss hasn't changed hers purely so child doesn't feel left out being the only one different. She's been pulled up several times for having two children with two different names at airports.
Your situation might be amicable now but they change. The father might also go on to have a new family and not be as supportive. You might go on to have a new family and your child could feel excluded.
Best of luck with your pregnancy though OP, I hope it all goes well.x

I'm married but haven't changed my name. My child has DHs surname. However I've been asked on one occasion at passport control if I had any proof my child was my own. I had a copy of her BC on hand just incase.

I'd never give my child someone else's name if they weren't a full time partner and Dad

Given you are not with the father I would give the baby your name; authorities can get suspicious when people claiming to be parents have a different name to their children so it can mean having to travel with your kid's birth certificate handy.

@DuzzyFuck

In your circumstances I'd definitely give baby your last name since you're not together, but as an aside I'm not sure where people get this 'you couldn't travel together without taking a birth certificate' line.

I've worked in travel and booking flights almost all my life and this has literally never been an issue for any of my clients. Either they've all been lucky or it just isn't a thing

It is a thing! They don't always ask but they do ask. Maybe it depends where you're travelling from - my DS's dad lives in a non EU country and I usually get asked to see the birth certificate when I'm coming back with him.

I have little to no respect for mothers who give a child their fathers name as "they think its the right thing to do", and then split with them and moan about it and give them all a lifetime of misery

That's a bit OTT! Having a different surname to your child hardly results in a lifetime of misery....

My kids are now adults. They have their fathers surname. We were, and still are, married but I didn't change my name. It has never been a problem, other than a dickish school receptionist who insisted on calling me Mrs Dhsurname. Funnily enough she never did that to the principal whose kids were in the school and who used their father's surname.

I had no issues travelling, no issues with doctors, schools etc. All fine. However, I am sorry we didn't give them both surnames. They did get my surname as a middle name but it's not the same. The reason I didn't was because, at the time, it didn't dawn on us to do that. It was almost 25 years ago and double barrelling surnames was not a thing where I live.

However, if you're not married and you are likely not even going to be in a relationship with the father, then I think you would be mad to give your child his name. Pretty much every parent I know who had a child while not married to the father have the child their surname. I thought it was the normal thing to do. As others have said, if you get married and have other kids your dc will be the odd one out. At least if they have your surname, you and they (and possibly your other dc) can have the same surname (obviously assuming you keep yours).

Give the baby your name, they will live with you and you will do most of the raising. Why should the baby have his name just because he's a man? His family name is not more important than yours. How would your family feel?

My eldest is 12. She has my surname and I couldnt be more glad that I made that decision. I knew her dad would never make an effort to be in her life, despite my encouragement and I was right.

My 2nd has both our surnames. We are still together and I'm pregnant with my 3rd who will have both surnames too.

Even if we got married I wouldn't be giving up my family name to take his, so my children should carry my name too. I did grow them 😄

As a completely different alternative...Could you give one of the surnames as a middle name? For example Amy Davis Smith. Smith being whatever your surname is and Davis being the dads name but as a middle name

@tealcheese that would definitely work if baby is a boy, but his surname is very much a boys first name if you know what I mean, so wouldn’t work as a girl’s middle name. Mine is also very much a girls first name, which is why I think I’m less keen on my name as a surname anyway. But now that I’ve heard the practical reasons behind it, I’m going to be going with my name. I’ll see what he says about it when the conversation comes up.

Hi OP, you've had some great advice on this thread already but I just wanted to add - for me it's helpful to think of the other term some people use for surname, "family name". Realistically your family going forwards is going to be you and your baby, with his dad (and possibly dad's family if things work out with that) as much more peripheral, low-contact people.

The kids I knew growing up who had their absent dad's surnames were always upset by that aspect of things - seeming like their name didn't belong in their family (especially as PPs have said when the family changes and new members arrive with the same family name!)

Personally in your shoes I'd give baby my name and keep the father's name off the birth certificate. Nothing you'll regret more than giving a relative stranger parental rights to veto your decisions for your child...

Best of luck.

[quote swiftt]@tealcheese that would definitely work if baby is a boy, but his surname is very much a boys first name if you know what I mean, so wouldn’t work as a girl’s middle name. Mine is also very much a girls first name, which is why I think I’m less keen on my name as a surname anyway. But now that I’ve heard the practical reasons behind it, I’m going to be going with my name. I’ll see what he says about it when the conversation comes up.[/quote]
My surname is most definitely a surname but I still used it as a middle name for my kids. Nobody uses middle names on a day-to-day basis anyway. I have friends who did the same.

If you want to throw him a bone, I'd say use his as a middle name regardless of sex of the child.

The tradition is that babies take the mother's name. But if the parents are married the mother would have the father's name too!

We are married but I didn't cange my name. Our baby will have my name as a second middle name. eg I am Dr Smith, DH is Mr Jones, baby is Mary Anne Smith Jones. I wanted my name "in there" somewhere and on her passport etc.

@Poppyismyfavourite

The tradition is that babies take the mother's name. But if the parents are married the mother would have the father's name too!

We are married but I didn't cange my name. Our baby will have my name as a second middle name. eg I am Dr Smith, DH is Mr Jones, baby is Mary Anne Smith Jones. I wanted my name "in there" somewhere and on her passport etc.

I don't know about UK passports but in Ireland they only put the first middle name on the passport where I live. Worth checking that out.

I did the same as you as I didn't realise that. My much more organised friend checked it out and used her surname as a second name rather than a third one.

DB, his wife and her son all have different surnames. It’s a logistical nightmare for flying, medical appts and (surprisingly) schools
Think of it this way. You’re not with the baby’s father. Why would you give it his name? Why wouldn’t you give it your name?

[quote swiftt]@tealcheese that would definitely work if baby is a boy, but his surname is very much a boys first name if you know what I mean, so wouldn’t work as a girl’s middle name. Mine is also very much a girls first name, which is why I think I’m less keen on my name as a surname anyway. But now that I’ve heard the practical reasons behind it, I’m going to be going with my name. I’ll see what he says about it when the conversation comes up.[/quote]
I wouldn't be talking to him about it....If you are going it alone, 100% not on the birth cert and 100% your name.