Baby’s last name - how much does it matter?

[swiftt]

As the title says... how much does baby’s last name matter? I’m way too early to be thinking about this really, but I stumbled across another post that got me thinking. I’m not with the father, he has said he wants be involved and his family are very excited by the sounds of it so I am expecting them to quite involved. However, I’m under no illusions that I’m most likely going to be a single parent, so I’m now wondering what sort of issues having a different last name to baby may create? Would it logistically be more beneficial to have the same name? I’m not too bothered about having a different name, and wouldn’t want to upset him or his family be going with my name. But trying to think practically!

@Bakeachocolatecaketoday I think that’s a little unfair. We aren’t together but we are seeing how things go, and he says he wants to be involved. Very aware that things can change when baby arrives, but I think to treat him as a deadbeat when he hasn’t proven himself to be is a little unfair. I think it at least warrants a conversation at this stage.

@OchonAgusOchonO interesting - I've had a quick google and it looks like there's a character limit, but since the middle names we've chosen are 5/7 letters and my surname is 3 letters, we should be ok there!

The tradition is that babies take the mother's name. But if the parents are married the mother would have the father's name too

Not necessarily. No married women in my family has changed their name. One of my cousins changed his surname to his wife's. Anther of my cousins, both husband and wife double barrelled and then gave their Dc the double barrelled name.

OP: lots of mothers have kids with a surname different from their own, but looking to the future, if you and the father of this baby do not stay together, and you give babies their father's name, you could end up with two children with different surnames, while you have a third. This could be very annoying at school, the GPs, etc.

I think you have made the right decision to give the baby your surname.

A Dad and his family can still be involved, excited etc, without sharing the baby's name. Look how many women manage it!

Give the baby your surname

x 1000

Given that you are seeing how things go/not together/he’s in a different continent, I would say go with your last name. If it does work out, you both can change your name later. But for the time being it is just easier with your name. Not judging if he’s a nice person or not, if you both are together and plan to make it official or stay as unmarried partner, then it is absolutely fine to go with his last name. But if nothing is concrete/there isn’t a tangible commitment to the child which you can see, then def go with your name. It should be his privilege to be on the birth certificate but if he doesn’t commit or contribute then why should he?

@user115632569541

Reason? How about the fact this child is not his possession or ego boost?

it almost feels like a dick move to use my name instead

You need better boundaries. This is bonkers and upsetting all at the same time.

Children take the mother's surname.

This

I’d use yours, or double barrel.

Use your last name not his.

I wish I used my last name for my DS rather than his sperm donors.

3 dc 2 dads with first 2 dc they have my surname as we had no intention of getting married. With dc3 we were engaged so I gave him the choice of double barrelled or just my surname.
I know I'm quite unusual in that most people do give the child the fathers surname but I just dont like that personally. I'm desperately trying to change dc3 surname back to mine as I hate not having the same surname. If I had my time again I'm not sure ide even put the dads on the birth certificate tbh.

Sorry meant to add the dc3 dad is under supervision to see his child (long story I don't want to go into) so I want to get it change so theres less of a connection.
Honestly if I was you ide use your name. He can step up in other ways.

If you feel you have to, just use his name as a middle name but use yours as the actual last name. Makes more logical sense to use your name as you will do more of the day to day stuff long term and it shouldn't ever be that his name trumps yours. Speaking as someone with lots of sisters with lots of different surnames because we have different fathers, use the mothers name.

Historically, baby gets mother's surname at birth, so baby should be registered with your surname.
If you will have 2 different surnames, you'll have to prove relationship to your own child when coming back from abroad.
If the father is not with you, why would you want to burden YOURSELF with different surnames?
Life is so much easier with same surnames- been on both sides, I know what I am talking about.
Also, I would say not to put father into baby's birth certificate- much easier all round FOR YOU. You can put father's name on anytime afterwards, but to take it off- completely different matter.
If you are not together, treat your baby as yours alone, don't give him any power- trust me on this, please.

Why would you give your baby someone else’s surname when you aren’t even with them? It’d be such a pain having to prove you are his mother if you went abroad etc with a different name on your passport, why make your life difficult? Plus imagine being referred to Mrs x b/f’s name when your child starts school etc and they assume it’s your name too. Nah.

[quote swiftt]@Bakeachocolatecaketoday I think that’s a little unfair. We aren’t together but we are seeing how things go, and he says he wants to be involved. Very aware that things can change when baby arrives, but I think to treat him as a deadbeat when he hasn’t proven himself to be is a little unfair. I think it at least warrants a conversation at this stage.[/quote]
If you do your name and not on bc, then in the future you have the option to change it. You can add him to the BC and change your childs name to his, say if you got married.

The other way round you can't - if he is on the birth certificate, then he gets to be involved in all aspects of your childs life.

Now, just for clarity if this was advice to a male friend I would say - get on the birth certificate.....a female friend, better off not.

@Bakeachocolatecaketoday thank you, that makes a lot of sense. I’ve got plenty of time to figure it out but definitely glad I asked on here, as I hadn’t even questioned his name or the birth certificate before this.

Give child your surname what happens if you meet someone else and have more children are they going to have different surnames you and him are no longer together so you will never be taking that name in marriage. Why do you not want your child to take your name?

I really don't get the 'baby must have the mans surname at all costs' mentality, especially when the father has a shit surname like Eggington or Barsted

If you really want his surname can you not have his then yours my friend done this smith-black and it was something I considered doing with my dd but stuck to just mine in end.

@swiftt when you travel and the baby has his name, you will always need his permission to go anywhere. I would't even consider this.

@ZooKeeper19 - when you travel and the baby has his name, you will always need his permission to go anywhere. I would't even consider this.

The name is irrelevant. You need permission regardless.

@Sweettea1

If you really want his surname can you not have his then yours my friend done this smith-black and it was something I considered doing with my dd but stuck to just mine in end.

She isn't even in a relationship with the man and you're suggesting she changes her name to his??

[quote OchonAgusOchonO]**@ZooKeeper19* - when you travel and the baby has his name, you will always need his permission to go anywhere. I would't even consider this.*

The name is irrelevant. You need permission regardless.[/quote]
Not really - technically you do but in reality it's a piece of legislation that is only enacted when it needs to be. You're much less likely to be questioned on your relationship to the child if you share a surname.

@CodenameVillanelle - it depends on where you are travelling I suspect. I have a different surname to my kids and have never been queried whereas dh, who has the same surname as the kids has been queried.

My DC (I was married to their father) all have my Surname as one middle name, and its not a first name type name at all. It was actually traditional for children to often have their Mother's maiden name as a middle name (or for unmarried mothers often the father's surname).
Don't put him on the birth certificate - you can't actually as you aren't married unless he accompanies you to the registry office.

If his name isn't on the certificate he can still get parental responsibility, but he has to go to court to get it. At least that proves that he is prepared to go to some effort for some input into the child's life.

It's completely up to you. If you're not in a relationship I'd probably go with your name.

On the other side, my step son has my partner's surname and not his mum's. There's never been any problems with her taking him on holiday, to appointments etc.