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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Baby’s last name - how much does it matter?

116 replies

swiftt · 10/11/2020 21:49

As the title says... how much does baby’s last name matter? I’m way too early to be thinking about this really, but I stumbled across another post that got me thinking. I’m not with the father, he has said he wants be involved and his family are very excited by the sounds of it so I am expecting them to quite involved. However, I’m under no illusions that I’m most likely going to be a single parent, so I’m now wondering what sort of issues having a different last name to baby may create? Would it logistically be more beneficial to have the same name? I’m not too bothered about having a different name, and wouldn’t want to upset him or his family be going with my name. But trying to think practically!

OP posts:

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FilthyforFirth · 10/11/2020 22:24

Absolutely mad. Cannot fathom why the baby wouldnt have your name given you arent in a relationship with him. What if he disappears and you never see him or his family again? Your poor child has a name different to their mother and presumably all family they know. Just seems so weird.

SoundWithoutAName · 10/11/2020 22:29

Just because they are excited doesn't mean they are going to be involved. My in laws acted like they couldn't wait to be grandparents, and I could count on one hand the number of times they have visited DC.
Please don't give your DC his name, you have no idea how he will act once DC arrives. If you want to take your child on holiday, you may need his written permission and you will have to prove you are their mother or they won't let you fly.
My sister gave her boys their father's name, he stopped seeing them after relationship with Dsis ended and he began a new relationship. They are now stuck with their 'fathers' surname, who they haven't seen for over 10 years.

Suzi888 · 10/11/2020 22:30

@swifttI suppose if you get married again? Would you be ok with your child having a different name.... or go double barrel to be on the safe side? I preferred my DH surname to mine so probably would’ve still used it. Lots of my friends whose parents weren’t together had the same name as the father, it was never discussed, never an issue. I’m old though so maybe times have changed!

RoysFrankenstein · 10/11/2020 22:33

I was married and took his name before my kids were born but many years earlier my DSis wasn't married, although was with my DNieces' father for a few years before they split. My sis gave the girls her name and everyone involved is glad she did now. We are Smiths (for example), my sister is a Smith even though she married when her children were in their 20's, my parents who supported her and her children are Smiths and the now grown up children are glad they're Smiths. Their dad was in and out after the split, his family were nice to the children but went along with the dad, often didn't see them for weeks/ months as dad often fucked off when he had girlfriends or went on the piss or fell out with my sis for one petty reason or another. Their name made it less of a problem for them in a weird way, they were Smiths through thick and thin and if they had taken his name (lets say Jones) they are old enough to say they would have felt more about being different from their mother's family who were their main family.

Original poster

swiftt · 10/11/2020 22:34

@SoundWithoutAName that’s true, and his behaviour so far has been a little erratic so whilst I hope he’ll stay true to his word about being involved, I’m not feeling 100% sure about it.

Definitely going to go with my name. This thread has totally opened my eyes! I think I just had this daft idea stuck in my head that babies take the fathers name and that’s the end of the story. But i can see now that it makes much more sense to take my name in this situation.

OP posts:

AlohaMolly · 10/11/2020 22:35

DS is 4.5. I’m with his dad but it was touch and go for most of that time and DS has his dads name. I regret it constantly. All the time. I don’t have the same name as my child. My mum sent post addressed to DS when he was tiny and we missed the postman and has to go to the post office to pick it up. I wasn’t allowed to pick my own sons post up because my surname was different and I had to send his dad. I also had to get a signed and witnessed solicitors letter, signed by DP, so that I could travel abroad with DS on my own.

Floopyandtired · 10/11/2020 22:38

I’m not married to my DP and have no plans to. We have one son and another baby on the way. My son doesn’t have my surname and neither will this baby. I wasn’t/am not bothered, it’s just a name to me and I don’t feel like any less of a mum. But, in your situation I would give the baby my own surname without a shadow of a doubt.

BlueThistles · 10/11/2020 22:42

this is a bug bear of mines.. why the fook would you hand your child's whole identity over to a guy you are not married too or even in a relationship with .. why value him above and beyond your good self OP ... do not give the baby his name 🌺

jenn88 · 10/11/2020 22:44

My daughter has her fathers surname! It never crossed my mind that she would have mine!
However I also assume that her father will ask me to marry him in the not so distant future so we will all have the same surname! But who knows what our future holds......

Disappointedkoala · 10/11/2020 22:45

Give baby your surname.

I have a different surname to DH and DD and was stopped at the airport last year as I took DD through passport control by myself. I also get referred to as "Mrs xxxx" and it's mildly irritating, especially when it's clearly written that you have a different name, I would find that more irritating if I wasn't with the man in question.

yikesanotherbooboo · 10/11/2020 22:57

Why on earth would you give your baby their father's name. The baby traditionally inherits it's mother's name . In your situation there would be no sense or benefit to your child to have anyone other than your surname.

emma911030 · 10/11/2020 23:10

My son has my partners surname as will me twins when they arrive. My mum was confused and asked why I wasn't given them my surname (also different to my mothers now as she divorced my dad and remarried) my response was, why not? He is their father. However we are in a relationship and have been for nearly 10 years and I'm happy with my decision. My partner has another older son from a previous relationship (not married) and he has my partners surname also, even though now his mum has remarried and has a brother and a sister who have different surnames to him as they have a different dad.
I think it's only really a big deal if you make it. If you want your child to have their fathers surname then thats your decision and whatever you decided isn't right or wrong because it's yours and no one else's. He is also on his birth certificate as he will be on the twins too.
I know me and my partner will never get married because it was never something he wanted in life and I was ok with that, I don't need a piece of paper to prove that we love each other.
I've learned through this being my second pregnancy that regardless of the subject sometimes your going to upset people or hurt their feelings especially family but at the end of the day your baby, your decisions! :)

emma911030 · 10/11/2020 23:15

Also just a little confused those saying but what if you go onto marry someone would you be happy them having a different surname?
If I wasn't with my partner and my child had my surname I don't think the first thing I'd think of is I need to change my child's surname to my married one as then yes they may still have my surname but also the surname of a man who isn't their father? Then what if you get divorced your likely to then change your name back to maiden name by divorce and then have to change your child's name again too .. it honestly baffles my brain lol

CayrolBaaaskin · 10/11/2020 23:24

I personally think women should keep their names and name their children after them. Those saying that it’s not traditional for children of unmarried couples to take the father’s name are not correct though- in my family tree I have a few illegitimate ancestors and they all had their father’s surname.

Wishing56 · 10/11/2020 23:27

My father left when I was 7 and there wasn't a day that went by that I wished I had my mum's surname instead. He wouldn't consent to changing my name via deed poll.

When travelling I sometimes got asked to confirm who was my mum including her full name.

Turtleturtle81 · 10/11/2020 23:59

No way in a million years would I give my child her fathers name if we weren’t together.
My partner and I are not married yet, but my baby is taking both our names (not double barrelled). She will always have my birth name because when we get married I won’t be taking his name. I believe a child should always have its mothers name.

My sister gave her son the dads name. He now constantly asks why his name is different and is always asking her to change it because he feels left out. All the family he has contact with has a different name to him.

Turtleturtle81 · 11/11/2020 00:02

Also, don’t worry about hurting his family’s feeling. Their feelings have nothing to do with how you name your baby.

LayingLow · 11/11/2020 06:09

My kids have a double barreled surname with my surname first then my partners

SusieSusieSoo · 11/11/2020 06:20

If you are the person taking dc to nursery, school, doctors, on holiday etc why wouldn't you give them your surname?

Just opening yourselves up to a lifetime of unnecessary questions and interest nosiness plus can sometimes be an issue when taking dc abroad. Ds has my surname & I've never had an issue.

MrGorksy · 11/11/2020 06:44

I think there's still a huge amount of people who automatically think that women/children should take the man's last name. It's not even thought about, they just do it.

I'll admit I was one of them when I got engaged many years ago but changed my mind because I realised how mad it was to erase my own identity so we could be cost Mr and Mrs his name. It wasn't that I felt strongly about taking his name, I literally had not considered another option.

I was in a community where not one woman had kept her own name and none of the children had their mother's name.
There's still a lot of that about so I'm not surprised that the OP hadn't considered it until now.

Before our wedding we discussed double barrelling which didn't work and even him taking our name (flat no from him) so we kept our own names and society didn't collapse.
I guess the next challenge would be our children as there's no way in hell I'm enduring pregnancy, childbirth and all that and that child not having my name and we're married.

@swiftt How well do you know this bloke? I'd seriously wonder about putting him on the birth certificate unless you're pretty confident he'll stick around and not be an arsehole. It doesn't stop him having a relationship with his child if he chooses to and being a full and active dad. It does make it harder for him to be a dick about stuff and limits any shenanigans from him and his family.

MrGorksy · 11/11/2020 06:45

Cosy not cost!

CodenameVillanelle · 11/11/2020 06:46

Thank goodness you've reconsidered!
You and your child will be a family unit. You don't know what role the father or his family will play in your lives but even if they are present, they won't be part of your family unit.

OnTheBenchOfDoom · 11/11/2020 06:53

If you also don't really like your surname you could change it now before the baby is born and choose a new name.

My sister married a woman so they came up with a completely new surname for their married name and it has a special meaning to them which I think is lovely.

Giving the child your surname means you have the authority to be able to change it at a later date should you get married etc, giving the baby his surname means you will never have that choice. The court will not allow you to change it unless he gives consent, which judging by MN is incredibly rare.

MsTSwift · 11/11/2020 06:59

No wedding ring no surname. Men can’t pick and choose the “traditions” they fancy 🙄. Infuriates me tbh.

orangeblosssom · 11/11/2020 07:04

Your children are not your children. They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself. They come through you but not from you, And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

Let the child have their own surname that isn't their mum's or dad's.

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