Baby’s last name - how much does it matter?

[swiftt]

As the title says... how much does baby’s last name matter? I’m way too early to be thinking about this really, but I stumbled across another post that got me thinking. I’m not with the father, he has said he wants be involved and his family are very excited by the sounds of it so I am expecting them to quite involved. However, I’m under no illusions that I’m most likely going to be a single parent, so I’m now wondering what sort of issues having a different last name to baby may create? Would it logistically be more beneficial to have the same name? I’m not too bothered about having a different name, and wouldn’t want to upset him or his family be going with my name. But trying to think practically!

Your surname, not on birth cert.

if he has automatic PR there is a whole world of things he can stop you doing (without ever having contact or paying a penny) - moving areas, moving nations in the U.K., moving abroad, changing schools, health procedures, school trips etc. He can pick your child up at school or nursery without you knowing or wanting and there is nothing the nursery or police can do to stop it.

In my job (health) we legally had to have both parent signatures if both parents had PR. If one parent refused (and it happened) - we could not proceed with the assessment unless there was some sort of court order overriding the (Dad’s) refusal.

Given you don’t know this man yet it would be sensible to limit the rights he has over your life and that of your baby. If he wants PR let him apply down the line. You’ll have a better sense of him.

YY to whoever said you need better boundaries. At this stage I would be keeping total strangers his family at arms length irrespective of how excited they are.

Anecdata but I’ve been stopped travelling with my DC who have a different name to me. More than once from Heathrow.

Wow. I'd be really interested to know how many of the people replying so passionately, esp about the BC, are in single parent situations themselves (and therefore have direct experience etc).

I only say that because as a married woman, (who had her child within marriage) my mindset is such that I can't imagine why anyone would be so pessimistic about a guy that's shown zero indication that he's not going to be around or will let OP down to the extent you'd feel it warranted to leave him off an official birth certificate?!

I understand logistically that he can then veto things later down the line, which could be problematic, but ultimately this is also his child.

He's given no indication that he won't be around, no indication that he won't financially support them. For all we know he could want 50/50 custody down the line and actively do his equal part.
To effectively erase him from a legal document even though it's clear he is the biological father and has done nothing problematic to date, if I were him I'd be highly offended tbh and it wouldn't make me feel as though the mother had any interest in me being involved.

The surname I think is easy enough to explain to him and his family just because it makes things much easier on a day to day logistics front but I see erasing him from the BC as super extreme and setting a scene for him to be distant given its like saying you don't even value his contribution enough to list him as a parent.

Professional experience @on12145.

on12145

MN is full of mothers with endless examples of the the unreliability of fathers they are not in a relationship with. And single mothers struggling with uncooperative exes and wishing that he did not have PR. How have you missed this?

@RainingBatsAndFrogs

on12145

MN is full of mothers with endless examples of the the unreliability of fathers they are not in a relationship with. And single mothers struggling with uncooperative exes and wishing that he did not have PR. How have you missed this?

Fair enough. I suppose the honest answer to that is I dont click into those discussions because that's not my situation /something I'd have anything useful to contribute to in a discussion.

I suppose ultimately my point is I'm of the view that you'd give the guy the benefit of the doubt until he gives you reason otherwise but I also appreciate that hindsight is 20/20 so I suppose those who have gone through it before are simply giving advice based on the bad experiences they've had before which is understandable.

As someone who has a very close family member who became single father (mother still around but he fought for primary custody) and a couple male friends who have split or divorced from their partners and have 50/50 custody of the children I just don't have the same negative experience or view of men in this instance when it comes to childcare so I still standby my view that excluding him from the Birth Certificate is very extreme.

Unfortunately at this point (pregnancy) we as woman carry the whole burden and there's not really much he or his family can do other than 'talk'. I just feel alot of the responses read as though they should be treated as though they're useless deadbeats before being given the opportunity to actually show their contribution.

Also a co-parent could do their part, time wise and finance wise, be fully committed and around STILL veto things without there being any sour relationship. That's simply a consequence of both parents not being on the same page and ultimately if you're both active parents don't you think you should both should have the same right to decisions as each other?

OP I'm just glad MN is here to help you understand! So many women run into this idea that a baby should have the fathers surname without understanding the consequences of such.

From a personal POV I with with my bf when i was pregnant with my first daughter 11 years ago, and I always said I would use his name.

When I gave birth, I saw sense before we registered her, and gave her my name. I honestly can't believe I was so sucked up in the idea of using the fathers name. I cringe thinking about it now!

I’m shocked by people saying to leave the father off the birth certificate. If you know who the child’s father is it should be illegal not to but them on, it’s still their child and they should have just as much right to be part of their life as the mother. I know you weren’t suggesting this OP.
The baby will be both of yours so both of the names are equal. You could choose either or both. My children have my partners name and we are not married. If we broke up I would not change their names. It makes no difference to me at all.

If you know who the child’s father is it should be illegal not to but them on, it’s still their child and they should have just as much right to be part of their life as the mother.
That is a ridiculous suggestion - putting the Father's name on the birth certificate can only be done if he also attends, and also gives him Parental Responsibility, which means he can make the mother's life awkward without meaning he actually has to do anything.
Its a legal document, not just a nice record of the parents. A written record can be left to ensure the child knows who their parents were.

You do realise if Jane is married to John but gets pregnant by Mark, that the Birth Certificate will put John as the father automatically?

Could you incorporate his surname that you like into a middle name? A bit like Miranda's little boy in Sex & The City his first name was Brady as that was the baby's dad's surname. just a thought :)

don't link his name at all.... 🌺

OP, you've only known this man a few months. He could turn out to be a fantastic father, or he could be terrible. As others have said, by putting him on the birth certificate, you are handing over parental rights to an almost stranger, including (as others have said) the right to pick up your child from school or nursery without your permission, in addition to everything else this means. Let him earn this right and prove himself to you and your child before you make life-altering decisions like this. He can always be added to the birth certificate later on in your child's life, once he's earned your trust. You've already mentioned his behaviour has been erratic.

While I think 100% you should give the baby your surname I was the child in this scenario.

Mother and father not married. Baby not planned by my father. Birth certificate didn't have him on it but my mother gave me his surname. For a really long time it meant something to me to have his name. Now I have my husbands name and our children do too. I am glad my father's name has gone and realise now that it meant something to me for reasons not relevant to your child, they wouldn't mean the same if you gave him his father's name.

Use you name. This man and family don't get the final say.

I think OP already decided she was giving baby Her surname 🎉

I debated posting this but decided ultimately to add the perspective of someone who has lines on their birth certificate where my fathers details should be... I can't fully explain why, but it does upset me that thats how it is. That difference is my father is actually unknown, so his details couldn't be added if he wanted them to be. I really don't understand why a father that knows about his child and wants to be in their life would be left off the birth certificate. And one last point, since its been mentioned about going abroad, I have my mother's maiden name. She remarried, and now has a different surname. When I applied for my first passport as an adult, I had to provide a cover letter explaining both of these points. That was a while ago mind you, and might not be necessary now, but it was extremely uncomfortable when I was told I needed to explain I didn't know who my father was.

If I weren't married, all of my children would have had my surname.

I changed my name on marriage (through preference), so our kids have "our" name.

Please for the love of God don't give your baby it's fathers name!