Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Gender disappointment! Please help!

121 replies

Sammy234567 · 04/10/2020 20:34

I dont know why i’m feeling so emotional as i learnt that my second child we are expecting will be a girl as we already have a girl.

I was desperately hoping for a boy! I always thought we have one of each we can be over and done with as i will never think what it would be like to have a boy or a girl.

Yesterday I found myself so upset and crying over this and i understand if people are judgemental and think it’s not the end of the world. I will come to terms with it eventually and wish I didnt feel like this.

I’ve been trying not to talk to my husband about this as he’s happy we are having another girl and I don’t want him to think i’m ungrateful.

Growing up I was one of many sisters and never had a brother and always wanted a son. I just don’t think i can go for a third child after this in the hope for a boy.

Has anybody else been through a similar feeling? Please advise x

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Littlepaws18 · 04/10/2020 21:39

No there are a lot of responses on here that are not bullying at all. Just because you don't agree with them doesn't make them any less valid.

ShabbyNat · 04/10/2020 21:39

Hi
I was actually gutted with my first, was so hoping for a boy, had a daughter, but so glad I found out at 25 weeks pregnant that I was expecting a girl, as the disapointment for the first 45 minutes was hugeShockShockSadSad
Goodness knows how I would of felt going full term hoping for a boy & going on those first 45 minutes at 25 weeks pregnant!! My 2nd, I didnt mind at all about the sex-a boy, a little brother or girl, a little sister for my first born daughter-I wasnt bothered<img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/smile-iCO8d7ST.png"><img loading="lazy" class="inline-flex mumsnet-emoji" alt="Smile" src="https://www.mumsnet.com/build/assets/smile-iCO8d7ST.png"> After that 1st 45 minutes, I sorted myself out & was so pleased to be having a girl & have always enjoyed having 2 girls-so glad I didnt have a boy/son from pretty early onGrinGrin

Burnthurst187 · 04/10/2020 21:39

We have a very close friend who has recently got pregnant after trying for three years and going through many rounds of IVF. Try and think how lucky you are. For me the most important thing is that the baby is healthy, the sex of the baby never came into it for us

I will NEVER understand people who have to have a child of each sex. You should be bloody grateful for what you are given

Otherthinkingmommy · 04/10/2020 21:39

@AmIACowBag absolutely no need. Dont you dare dismiss someone's feelings like that.

user1471447924 · 04/10/2020 21:41

Yep. Judging you pretty hard right now. Your poor daughter.

pinkgin85 · 04/10/2020 21:41

Horrified at some of these comments

doodliedoo · 04/10/2020 21:42

Oh sweet, there are many on this thread who are, perhaps fairly, reminding us that when you want a child, a child is a blessing. And that's so true, and I do understand the pain of everyone who would like a child at all but cannot have one.

My choice, and I understand it's not everyone's, was not to know the sex of my baby, because I thought once I knew the sex, I would start to create a personality for it. Rightly or wrongly, many of us still take the baby's sex as the cornerstone of the person. I decided to just let the baby be born and see who that person was.

I sometimes wonder what my family would have been if the constellation had been different; I'm sure every parent of a multi-child family occasionally does the same. What if I had two of one, or two of the other, or one of each, or more or less or some of each or all of a kind? Of course every composition creates a different dynamic, but each and every one is extraordinary and has its positives and its negatives. (Probably a whole different thread here on spacing and how soon or late you should have number two or three or four!). I'm not going to lecture you on the benefits of your constellation, and I'm not going to say you're wrong for kind of hoping for a different mix, but you're going to find your mix has its own magic, I promise. Of course you can mourn for the picture of the family you thought you were going to have, but if you want advice, it would be to mourn, then put the mourning aside and get ready to welcome with joy the fantastic foursome you will be. (And now I'm going to get a bit preachy: because, little mite! She will be what she is, and the least she should expect is that she is welcomed with joy and enthusiasm and delight, for the glorious person she will be - not with a lingering sense of disappointment! Meet this fantastic new person on her own terms!)

UsedToBeConfident · 04/10/2020 21:46

I actually think it’s better for the kids having two of the same. My best friend has a girl and a boy with a similar age gap to my girls and they don’t have anything like as close a relationship. My girls are best friends (as well as sometimes worst enemies!) and it’s lovely seeing them be such great pals.

Otherthinkingmommy · 04/10/2020 21:48

@Littlepaws18 they aren't invalid they are just unnecessary.

Lesserspottedmama · 04/10/2020 21:49

I think some of these comments are very harsh. It’s very common what you are feeling and very normal. It doesn’t mean you are not profoundly grateful for being pregnant with a healthy child. I can promise and reassure you that when your baby is here you will be completely besotted. I had a preference for a girl with one of mine and found out I was having another boy.. I was mortified by how emotional I was about it, I cried a lot (in private). A lot of it was pregnancy hormones. But once my baby was here I was overwhelmed with love just like with my other babies. I adore him and cannot imagine having any other baby but him. Be kind to yourself OP, pregnancy is so emotional and it is possible to be loving mother of two girls while also carrying a private little sadness inside for not having a son.

Luce89 · 04/10/2020 21:49

Wow people on here can be darn nasty! Yes you're lucky to have a healthy child and another on the way, but I don't think there's anything wrong with saying you're disappointed with the gender of your second child. You're just being honest with yourself!
Me and my husband are struggling with infertility, but it doesn't mean I'm resentful of the OP for having her opinion on how SHE feels about HER life.

PennyCrayon85 · 04/10/2020 21:49

Aww I have two girls and it’s just the best. The first time round I wasn’t remotely bothered what the sex of the baby was. The second time I marginally hoped for a girl - partly because of DD1’s awesomeness but also because she was so desperate for a sister!

They are so, so close.

We won’t have a third now. But if we did I would be (privately) hoping for another girl.

VividImagination · 04/10/2020 21:49

I have three boys. I wanted a girl each time. I’m from a family of girls and only had a niece. I didn’t think I would know how to raise a boy. Now, if I were to find myself pregnant again (which would be pretty impossible) I can honestly say I’d hope for another boy.

You are not unreasonable to feel what you feel but time to start thinking about your new lovely little girl .......and how lovely for your dd to have a little sister to play with.

70isaLimitNotaTarget · 04/10/2020 21:50

Actually 2 girls don't automatically get along , my sister was a cowbag to me all my years and she still is ! But I can ignore her now .

Lesserspottedmama · 04/10/2020 21:51

@doodliedoo

Oh sweet, there are many on this thread who are, perhaps fairly, reminding us that when you want a child, a child is a blessing. And that's so true, and I do understand the pain of everyone who would like a child at all but cannot have one.

My choice, and I understand it's not everyone's, was not to know the sex of my baby, because I thought once I knew the sex, I would start to create a personality for it. Rightly or wrongly, many of us still take the baby's sex as the cornerstone of the person. I decided to just let the baby be born and see who that person was.

I sometimes wonder what my family would have been if the constellation had been different; I'm sure every parent of a multi-child family occasionally does the same. What if I had two of one, or two of the other, or one of each, or more or less or some of each or all of a kind? Of course every composition creates a different dynamic, but each and every one is extraordinary and has its positives and its negatives. (Probably a whole different thread here on spacing and how soon or late you should have number two or three or four!). I'm not going to lecture you on the benefits of your constellation, and I'm not going to say you're wrong for kind of hoping for a different mix, but you're going to find your mix has its own magic, I promise. Of course you can mourn for the picture of the family you thought you were going to have, but if you want advice, it would be to mourn, then put the mourning aside and get ready to welcome with joy the fantastic foursome you will be. (And now I'm going to get a bit preachy: because, little mite! She will be what she is, and the least she should expect is that she is welcomed with joy and enthusiasm and delight, for the glorious person she will be - not with a lingering sense of disappointment! Meet this fantastic new person on her own terms!)

What a lovely reply, beautiful words.
Littlepaws18 · 04/10/2020 21:52

I don't think they are unnecessary at all. Those who insult they aren't worth even highlighting. But those who are offering advice to help OP validate her feelings then enable her to move on from them are helpful.

bcccc · 04/10/2020 21:53

@doodliedoo

Oh sweet, there are many on this thread who are, perhaps fairly, reminding us that when you want a child, a child is a blessing. And that's so true, and I do understand the pain of everyone who would like a child at all but cannot have one.

My choice, and I understand it's not everyone's, was not to know the sex of my baby, because I thought once I knew the sex, I would start to create a personality for it. Rightly or wrongly, many of us still take the baby's sex as the cornerstone of the person. I decided to just let the baby be born and see who that person was.

I sometimes wonder what my family would have been if the constellation had been different; I'm sure every parent of a multi-child family occasionally does the same. What if I had two of one, or two of the other, or one of each, or more or less or some of each or all of a kind? Of course every composition creates a different dynamic, but each and every one is extraordinary and has its positives and its negatives. (Probably a whole different thread here on spacing and how soon or late you should have number two or three or four!). I'm not going to lecture you on the benefits of your constellation, and I'm not going to say you're wrong for kind of hoping for a different mix, but you're going to find your mix has its own magic, I promise. Of course you can mourn for the picture of the family you thought you were going to have, but if you want advice, it would be to mourn, then put the mourning aside and get ready to welcome with joy the fantastic foursome you will be. (And now I'm going to get a bit preachy: because, little mite! She will be what she is, and the least she should expect is that she is welcomed with joy and enthusiasm and delight, for the glorious person she will be - not with a lingering sense of disappointment! Meet this fantastic new person on her own terms!)

You're so kind. There needs to be more people like you in this world 💕
Otherthinkingmommy · 04/10/2020 21:55

Totally agree @Littlepaws18.

Littlepaws18 · 04/10/2020 22:03

Doodliedoo has it nailed! Absolutely perfect response!

AintOverUntilTheCatLadySings · 04/10/2020 22:36

@JalapenoDave

OP you should consider yourself lucky to even be pregnant. Do you know how many infertile or struggling couples out there would give their left arms for a baby, no matter what its gender? Get a grip.
OP being pregnant didn't take a baby away from these people.

Unhelpful comments like this is the exact reason why a lot of people who suffer from emotional crisis during pregnancy can't and don't talk about it.

Original poster
Sammy234567 · 04/10/2020 23:15

Im so sorry for your loss. Thank you for your message I will count my blessings x

OP posts:
MadameBlobby · 04/10/2020 23:48

@UsedToBeConfident

I actually think it’s better for the kids having two of the same. My best friend has a girl and a boy with a similar age gap to my girls and they don’t have anything like as close a relationship. My girls are best friends (as well as sometimes worst enemies!) and it’s lovely seeing them be such great pals.
Yes, as a parent of 2 the same, although 2 boys, it’s great. Of course if I’d had one of each or 2 girls I’d say the same! You get what you are meant to have I reckon x
MadameBlobby · 04/10/2020 23:51

I am so sorry x I hope my last post isn’t insensitive. To be clear, I am just talking about sex. I hope I haven’t upset anyone xx

Mittens030869 · 05/10/2020 08:06

Could gender stereotyping be a factor here? My DH and I have two adopted DDs (now 11 and 8) and I remember a couple of friends asked me whether my DH would like to adopt a boy to 'play trains' with? (He's a big steam train enthusiast.)

Is there any reason why a girl can't be interested in steam trains? Our DDs have enjoyed going on steam train rides and have always enjoyed them. Our DD2 is also a budding engineer and is fascinated by my DH's civil engineering job (bridges). Okay, their enthusiasm for steam trains is wearing thin now, but our nephews have lost interests in trains as well.

My DH is quite happy to not have DSs. He has six nephews, who he loves spending time with.

I won't lecture posters about how they shouldn't feel disappointment, despite being infertile myself, because obviously we can't help how we feel. But maybe ask yourselves why it matters so much what sex your baby will be?

Maverick66 · 05/10/2020 10:40

I think you have made a mistake posting this but.........

As someone with 3 sisters never underestimate the joy of having a sister.
I know it's not everyone's experience but having 3 sisters has been very positive thing for me ..I don't know what I would do without them.