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Pregnancy

Talk about every stage of pregnancy, from early symptoms to preparing for birth.

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Original poster

Gender disappointment! Please help!

121 replies

Sammy234567 · 04/10/2020 20:34

I dont know why i’m feeling so emotional as i learnt that my second child we are expecting will be a girl as we already have a girl.

I was desperately hoping for a boy! I always thought we have one of each we can be over and done with as i will never think what it would be like to have a boy or a girl.

Yesterday I found myself so upset and crying over this and i understand if people are judgemental and think it’s not the end of the world. I will come to terms with it eventually and wish I didnt feel like this.

I’ve been trying not to talk to my husband about this as he’s happy we are having another girl and I don’t want him to think i’m ungrateful.

Growing up I was one of many sisters and never had a brother and always wanted a son. I just don’t think i can go for a third child after this in the hope for a boy.

Has anybody else been through a similar feeling? Please advise x

OP posts:

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Grapefruitcauliflower · 04/10/2020 20:59

It’s totally normal to feel emotional about stuff like the baby’s sex not gender when you’re pregnant. However, you do just need to get over it because the sooner you realise that nothing about parenthood is predictable or ideal, the easier you’ll find it IMO. Take it from the mum of a disabled child. Good luck with your pregnancy and congratulations

beansonbread · 04/10/2020 20:59

I once had to sit through a friend telling me how bitterly disappointed she was that the child she was carrying (her second) was a girl and not a boy as she’d hoped. She claimed she didn’t know what she’d do with a girl and was so heartbroken to know she was not having her so longed for second boy. It took all my strength not to stand up, scream in her face and hit her. I’d been struggling for four years to conceive and had been told I was completely infertile and despite a year prepping for IVF, I was then told that wouldn’t work either. My friend knew all of this! All I’d ever wanted was a baby but couldn’t have one and my life felt shattered but there was my friend complaining hers, her second one, wasn’t the right kind.
I’m not saying your feelings aren’t valid but really, think yourself lucky and get over it quickly. You don’t go into TTC with the promise of having a boy or a girl, it’s a lucky dip and you have to be happy either way. If that’s not the case, don’t get pregnant. Be grateful for what you have and appreciate every moment of your child since you’re lucky enough to be blessed with not just one but two.

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/10/2020 21:00

You honestly might as well bewail the fact that you'll never know what it's like to bring up every single other child in the world who isn't yours. That's the same logic.

Feel what you feel, but do try to give yourself a talking to. More people have miscarriages and fertility issues than you know about. And you probably know about quite a few.

QueenOfLabradors · 04/10/2020 21:00

a baby boy has a deadly aim when you change a nappy, many occassion i've had an eyeful, literally baby girls can't do that !grin

Wanna bet? One of my daughters got me right in the face mid nappy change...

OP if you want an intelligent sympathetic conversation AIBU is probably not the best place. Lots of us are nice but as you've probably already seen others have the empathy of the average amoeba.

Sexnotgender · 04/10/2020 21:00

@WhereverIGoddamnLike don’t be so rude. I was talking about on here.

With a username like mine do you really think I’m oblivious to the sex based atrocities visited upon girls?

Bearlyawake · 04/10/2020 21:01

I'd give anything to have another healthy pregnancy but that's never going to happen. Please realise how lucky you are.

peakygal · 04/10/2020 21:01

Loads of other women and men have felt the same so it doesn't make you a bad person. I wanted a son too but I've 3 girls and I absolutely adore them and couldn't even give one good reason now as to why I wanted a boy

pickledturnippizza · 04/10/2020 21:02

im so sorry OP.

To start with no-one can put down your sadness as different scenarios pose different weights of importance on different people. You have every right to be sad. What you are feeling is mourning the loss of never having a son and mourning the loss of the vision you had for your family.

As soon as that baby arrives and is in your arms you won't care about the gender. You would never swap your baby for a boy and your heart will be full.

Look up stories about why having two girls is so magical. This will make you feel better and may even shift your focus to being excited for a second girl.

People will be harsh because some people will be desperate for a child that they can't have. You don't have to compare your situation to theirs but you can focus on what you're grateful for.

S111n20 · 04/10/2020 21:04

Be happy you can get pregnant.... hold the pregnancy this far to know the gender.... and have no problems. YABVVU

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/10/2020 21:06

Frozen.

ifiwasascent · 04/10/2020 21:08

Itl be so so lovely for your daughter to have a sister!! I'd much rather have 2 girls and 2 boys than a boy and a girl

Littlepaws18 · 04/10/2020 21:10

@Shebashimmyshake! That's the best one worder I've seen on Mumsnet! Definitely Frozen has the answers!

scottishlass123 · 04/10/2020 21:12

Give OP a break, she can't help the way she feels. It is okay to feel disappointed, you can't help it. It doesn't mean that you will love or want your little girl any less. Lots of women feel disappointed, but everyone gets over it and in the end wouldn't change the sex of their little one for the world. Go easy on yourself and congratulations xx

AllsortsofAwkward · 04/10/2020 21:13

Pretty insensitive to post on aibu when woman are struggling to conceive, had miscarriages or suffered the trauma of delivering a still born child. My own mother lost a baby at 7 months. Some people don't get to hold their babies in their arms.

ShebaShimmyShake · 04/10/2020 21:14

[quote Littlepaws18]@Shebashimmyshake! That's the best one worder I've seen on Mumsnet! Definitely Frozen has the answers! [/quote]
Thank you.

Let it go, OP. Have you seen Frozen? If not, you really should.

Birdladybird · 04/10/2020 21:16

I've been trying to get pregnant for 4 years. Be happy you get to have a child.

Thefaceofboe · 04/10/2020 21:16

I really wish I was having a baby girl. Or a baby at all for that matter

Littlepaws18 · 04/10/2020 21:16

I was thinking more about the sisterhood in frozen! X

ImSleepingBeauty · 04/10/2020 21:17

I had a friend who was convinced she was having a boy but refused to find out. When her daughter was born she refused to even hold her or feed her for the first 12 hours because she was so disappointed.

Having tried to conceive my DD for 3yrs, 2 failed IVF rounds and seeing multiple people have healthy babies in that time, I found it really hard to muster any kind words.

You’ve done the right thing finding out the sex and although it may not be what you’d envisaged, Im sure some of the stories on this thread will make you realise how lucky you actually are.

Mydogmylife · 04/10/2020 21:17

Get over yourself

ThursdayAfterNext · 04/10/2020 21:18

I understand how you feel and I think a lot of posters are deliberately missing the point. It isn't about being disappointed or ungrateful at the thought of having a healthy baby, but more about things turning out differently to what you expected. Saying "you shouldn't feel like that" isn't helpful. It's ok for the OP to mourn her hypothetical relationship with a son, to feel sad about not doing X, Y or Z that she had dreamed about doing.

But as a previous poster noted, quite often same sex siblings have closer relationship than mixed sex siblings (not all the time before anyone picks holes), you don't have to buy so many different toys or clothes as they are more likely to share etc.

It's ok to feel a little sad OP. Especially when pregnant and your hormones are going nuts. Once you have your baby in your arms, I think you are more likely to think "What an amazing child" than "I would love this baby so much more if only she were a he".

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and beyond.

Twinklehead · 04/10/2020 21:18

With all due respect to those that have struggled to conceive/ with infertility etc on this thread saying that OP should be grateful because it could be so much worse. This is not about you and your struggle, it’s about the OP who is looking for support. My mum died young but I don’t throw that at people if they are ever struggling with their mothers because it’s life is not a competition of who has it worse.

OP - Gender disappointment is crap but I promise you, you will get over it. It’s fresh now... give it time to bed in. I had similar when I found out I was expecting my second son and within a week I really felt over it and focused on the lovely bond same sex siblings had and the many other positives. I hope you reach this point soon.

MikeUniformMike · 04/10/2020 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MadameBlobby · 04/10/2020 21:19

This is the first post I have seen where the OP is disappointed because they are having a girl, it’s usually because they are having a boy.

Congratulations on your baby, you know you’re being daft and once she’s here you’ll never imagine wanting a boy instead x I bet her sister will be delighted, I am the eldest of 2 girls and when my mum went to the hospital to have my sister (no finding out the sex in advance in the 70s!) I apparently told her it had better be a girl because if it was a boy she could just leave it in the hospital!

M0mmzee · 04/10/2020 21:19

I know it’s all relative and your upset but please read my sister’s sad story because then you might feel blessed - because believe me you are blessed.
My sister and her husband had no problem becoming pregnant much to their joy. However long story short - she only managed to carry each baby (3 separate pregnancies) to about 23 weeks before she lost them.
It was heartbreaking. They were enlisted for a new treatment (hormone related) and were told it would likely be successful. However the same happened again. She was distraught, having always wanted a family.
However, she was very brave and decided to go back to Uni and immerse herself in gaining a degree to further her career prospects. A fresh start and a plan to focus on. Six months into the degree she was diagnosed with aggressive breast cancer and one year into it she died.
She would have made one of the best mums ever and she fought so hard. Her life ended just after her 36th birthday.
I think you are very fortunate - revel in your two beautiful daughters. My parents wanted a boy after me and then my sister was born. They felt so guilty after she died. Please just be grateful that you have two healthy daughters. It is a blessing.

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