I feel like a horrible person - Gender disappointment.

[JellyBert]

I haven’t found out yet (my scan is next weekend) but I’m pretty sure DC3 will be another boy.

I’ll start by saying I LOVE my boys, honestly they are amazing & I really love being a mum. I love their bond & how close they are. They play with everything & anything, I’ve always tried to not be stereotypical or pigeon hole them as ‘boys will be boys’.

I’m starting to feel really scared about my scan because I know if it’s a boy I’ll feel upset, this is 100% my last baby. I feel awful that I will feel upset, so guilty & uncomfortable with how I feel. I’ve been pining over girls clothes (I know it’s stupid!!) & imagining baby being a girl & having two big brothers. I’m trying not to get my hopes up so telling myself & my husband “ahh it will be a boy” to protect myself but it’s not working & I'm anxious - nobody knows how I feel as I haven’t said this ‘out loud’.

Gah I know nobody can help me but has anybody felt like this & had gender disappointment? I will get over it won’t I? Worried it will affect my bond, didn’t feel this way in my previous pregnancies I was quite glad DS2 was a boy so DS1 has a brother but I think it’s because this is so final (last ever time)

Hey - what makes you so sure it's another boy?

@chickensoup23 I guess I’m telling myself it is so that I don’t get my hopes up - makes no logical sense. My husband thinks it will be a girl! I don’t have long to wait now but worried even if they tell me it’s a girl then they’ll be wrong (clearly overthinking this!!!)

You might be sad but you won't love him (if it is a him) any less. It's a disappointment but you will get over it and have a wonderful family regardless. Don't feel guilty for feeling sad about it either it's perfectly normal to have a preference especially when you already have two boys

I had exactly this and my third was a boy. Up to the scan I’d done my best to not let myself entertain the idea of having a girl, so didn’t think of any girls names, just boys, always referred to the baby as “he” etc. But it didn’t protect me from the massive wave that hit me when I found out. I cried for days, not because I was having a boy but because it meant I’d never be a mother to a daughter.

It seems ridiculous now, he’s 3 and he’s literally the best kid ever! But at the time all the feelings were so real and so strong.

I hope you’re ok whatever the outcome - I think if there is a risk you will have these kinds of feelings it’s best to find out at the scan rather than when he or she is born because it gives you time to get over it so you can enjoy them from the beginning rather than dealing with those feelings the day they are born.

All that matters is that you have a happy child at the end of it! And I really believe that.

@Anniemabel thank-you for sharing. I’m actually glad to hear how ridiculous you feel it is now looking back with your 3 year old.
I really hope I don’t cry but I think I will! My boys will be ecstatic to have a little brother
I didn’t realise I would feel like this before I got pregnant... it’s like the hormones have completely escalated my feelings!

It's perfectly understandable to have a preference, especially when you have two boys already. I think it's that unknown factor of what you might miss out on if you don't have a girl, but at the same time if you know you will love your baby even if he is a boy then that's all you need.
I find it so funny though how different we are as humans - I have my gender scan for my second on Tuesday and I so desperately want a boy after having a girl - she is my world but I want to experience a little boy too.
I hope you do get the result you want, and PLEASE update us too on the result! Drives me up the wall when people just vanish after putting up a thread like this haha!

@calzone2018 I’m glad I’m not being torn to shreds here - think if I posted in AIBU I would get a different response I feel less crappy now that I’ve got it off my chest. I just need to know and stop torturing myself!

I will definitely update, let us know what your outcome is. X

Have you had any guesses on your 13 week scan? Maybe you can post it and see if theres anything clear showing :)

I had a little girl after 2 boys. It does happen!! But 3 of my friends from work all had 3 boys. They all love being surrounded by boys and being queen of the castle. Totally normal to be disappointed if it happens but I GUARANTEE you will get over it and love that baby boy like crazy (it it is a boy).

It’s always boys. No one is ever disappointed about having a girl...

I felt a bit the same with DC2, I didn't admit it to anyone and didn't even want to admit it to myself. I decided not to find out at the scan as I would always remember if I felt disappointed and feel guilty, but I'd read (on MN and in the book Coping with Two) that if you don't find out you don't care when they're born. In the end I did have a girl. Anyway I know how you feel

@stairgates I don’t think you can really see a nub here. I spent ages trying to decipher it

@scarfy I flip it round & think yes I will be the only female so that may not be a bad thing! I know my boys will adore me & I will adore them, so try to think of the positives too

Why do you feel you have to find out now? Can’t you wait until the birth, when the baby will be a real person for you to meet and know, rather than worrying about an abstract?

@PotteringAlong I’m sure there are lots of people disappointed with having girls (which is a real shame either way), in fact maybe 23 million

www.newscientist.com/article/2199874-sex-selective-abortions-may-have-stopped-the-birth-of-23-million-girls/

@kiwiblue @crumpet I want to find out to prepare. I have 5 bags of baby clothes in the loft & I just want to be able to get everything ready before baby was born.
DS2 I was breastfeeding constantly & completely out of it for months due to tiredness so I’m expecting similar!

I had the opposite in that I'd had 2 DD's and knew the pregnancy would be my last and therefore a last chance to mother a son. All children are of course absolute blessings and are unique individuals but it's very hard to not wonder what it might be like to have sons if you only have daughters and daughters if you only have sons.
I carried all 3 pregnancies exactly the same, just got bigger each time. My last one was indeed a little boy and whilst we were well prepared for either eventuality, our hearts really did sing to have a mixed vibe in the family unit.
Interestingly, now they are much older, my youngest DD and my DS are the closest of the sibling relationships , despite my DD's being inseparable for the first 6 or so years together.
Best of luck with scan, OP and be kind to yourself.

@JellyBert the article is talking about China and India. If you search gender disappointment threads on mumsnet I bet you would be hard pushed to find any, or certainly not more than 1 or 2 percent of them, who express disappointment about having a girl.

So no, I stand by my comment that, in general, in our society, it’s always people disappointed in having a boy.

@OverItAndTired thank you for sharing, I’m glad you understand. They really are a blessing & I'm so lucky to be able to have another child which is why I feel guilty!
My pregnancy this time is slightly different, I felt more nauseous in early pregnancy & I’m really spotty (whereas in my last two my skin cleared up) but I don’t really believe any old wife’s tales.

That wasn’t your original comment @PotteringAlong but regardless thanks for your input

I agree with @PotteringAlong that gender disappointment in the Western Hemisphere is always about boys. China and India have different reasons for favouring boys - huge cultural ones - massive female dowries, boys being required to inherit family land and being expected to care of aging parents etc rather than ours which is more likely to be an instragrammable worthy societal preference. The two can't be compared

That being said I can understand the OP in this instance already having had 2 boys and wanting to experience a girl

This isn't the same as the many first baby threads that express disappointment about having a boy as their first child or even the other day where she had 2 girls already and wanted a 3rd girl and found out she was having a boy 🤷‍♀️

It's ok to wonder what It would be like to raise a girl and imagine whether/how the relationship might be different and feel sadness that you might ever get to experience it

I'm sure you'll love your baby regardless when he or she is here. Every baby is a blessing - so many people would love one baby and so many would also love to give their child a sibling or siblings and have the family unit they always dreamt of. For what's its worth I think 3 boys would be great and imagine they'd be thick as thieves growing up and into adulthood in a different way that sister/brother or sister/sisters is

Not sure when your scan dates from but I would say boy - but try posting it on the strictly nub theory group on Facebook they have lots of members and have a pretty good success rate

Have you considered not finding out the sex at the scan? I had a preference for a girl and didn’t find out at my scan so that when my son was born any upset was completely swept away by my baby.

I usually find myself feeling a bit irked when someone is pregnant with their first child and devastated that they’re having a boy, not a girl (tbf, most posts on MN do go that way around), mostly because it’s to do with ridiculous preconceived stereotypes and also they might have another baby in the future.

Your case is different. You gave boys, you know they’re wonderful too and haven’t boxed them into stereotypes. It’s not wrong to want to experience raising a girl too and, being your last baby, I can see why the pressure feels on. I expect you also know that you’ll love this baby to bits when it arrives regardless of its sex.

I have a boy and currently pregnant with second baby. We found out through the Harmony test (following a Down Syndrome scare) that it’s another boy. My first reaction was to burst into tears...... completely unexpected and totally shocked myself!

I can genuinely say, hand on heart, that prior to the result I had no conscious preference. Given that we had literally just had a Down Syndrome scare and were facing some big decisions, all I wanted was a healthy baby. I love my boy to bits and would be quite happy with another. I also quite like the idea of same set siblings as (While no guarantees) I think they’re more likely to share interests and get along. My husband was shocked as my reaction too and was worried for a good few weeks that I was really upset about it and not telling him. In reality, my reaction lasted only a few minutes and then I was fine.

Anyway, I tell you this simply because I realised that I wasn't crying because I was having a boy. I was, briefly, mourning the little girl I would never have. I didn’t even have a preference for a girl, not consciously anyway, but I knew this was my last baby (two HG pregnancies, can’t face another) so it suddenly just slapped me in the face that was it. I’d never have a girl. Tbh, I might have reacted exactly the same if it had been a girl - I probably would have been sorry for the two little brothers I’d pictured bonding over their train set.

I think last babies being out all sorts of emotions, and it’s ok to feel them. For me at least, my brief “disappointment” at not having a girl was entirely separate from the baby I’m having. I’m in no way disappointed that I’m having him. It was simply a reaction to something I knew I would have (and hadn’t even been aware I wanted). I hope this makes sense. You’re not a monster for what you’re feeling, it’ll be fine whatever happens, I’m sure.

I thought I was expecting a boy, and, like a PP, mourned that I would never mother a daughter, never experience that special bond. By the time I went into labour, I had totally come around to the idea of having only boys, was looking forward to the adventure, to a différent special bond, and to bringing up a group of boys who would one day make wonderful husbands.

Imagine my surprise when I gave birth to a girl!

And imagine my surprise when I found myself mourning the extra boy I didn't have. I loved dd the instant I saw her, and bonded very quickly with her. Nonetheless, it took a few weeks before I came to terms with not having a band of brothers, but a mixed team.

I still intend to bring up my boys to be wonderful husbands

Enjoy your baby, of whatever flavour. You will bond with them and love them and very quickly what they are not will not matter.