I feel like a horrible person - Gender disappointment.

[JellyBert]

I haven’t found out yet (my scan is next weekend) but I’m pretty sure DC3 will be another boy.

I’ll start by saying I LOVE my boys, honestly they are amazing & I really love being a mum. I love their bond & how close they are. They play with everything & anything, I’ve always tried to not be stereotypical or pigeon hole them as ‘boys will be boys’.

I’m starting to feel really scared about my scan because I know if it’s a boy I’ll feel upset, this is 100% my last baby. I feel awful that I will feel upset, so guilty & uncomfortable with how I feel. I’ve been pining over girls clothes (I know it’s stupid!!) & imagining baby being a girl & having two big brothers. I’m trying not to get my hopes up so telling myself & my husband “ahh it will be a boy” to protect myself but it’s not working & I'm anxious - nobody knows how I feel as I haven’t said this ‘out loud’.

Gah I know nobody can help me but has anybody felt like this & had gender disappointment? I will get over it won’t I? Worried it will affect my bond, didn’t feel this way in my previous pregnancies I was quite glad DS2 was a boy so DS1 has a brother but I think it’s because this is so final (last ever time)

[quote PotteringAlong]@JellyBert the article is talking about China and India. If you search gender disappointment threads on mumsnet I bet you would be hard pushed to find any, or certainly not more than 1 or 2 percent of them, who express disappointment about having a girl.

So no, I stand by my comment that, in general, in our society, it’s always people disappointed in having a boy.[/quote]
Ironically ive just created a new thread a moment ago of which one of the two main issues is that i really dont want a girl. I think theres plenty of people like this out there, for various reasons.

It's ok to be sad, I have two boys and feel exactly the same when we try for another baby next year. It doesn't mean you love your little boy any less. Be kind to yourself.

Can you do something nice, good for lunch and do some shopping to buy some nice bits for your new little bundle of love?

@SadieSue29 I did go to Asda afterwards, went upstairs to be greeted by a rail of baby girls clothes. Burst into tears & went back out.

I am not being pragmatic or sensible at the moment as I genuinely feel sad, really really sad. I am absolutely dreading the comments I get from people (even the sonagrapher said “aw I don’t know if to say sorry” - really?!) and I just need some time to myself. Hopefully I feel better tomorrow.

I'd complain about the sonographer, OP. That's totally unprofessional.

When I had my 3rd son a friend bought me "oh boy oh boy oh boy". I really recommend it. It's very astute in the way it talks about not "not wanting" your boys, but having to let go the idea of a daughter. She writes a farewell letter to the daughter she never had at the end of the book.

Buy it :)

I think it is entirely natural to have a strong preference. We lost our second little girl last year to pre-eclampsia and there is nothing we want more than another girl to be a little sister to our eldest girl. Everyone will have a reason for their own preference and, in the end, will love the child the same once born.

It's ok to feel sad for something that you wanted but won't have.

Thanks everyone for being so kind

I expect the sonograper could see you were disappointed hence the comment

I’m interested did you feel like this when you found out dc2 was a boy or did you always plan 3 so another chance for a girl

I’ve 2 boys and would be happy with a third if we were having more

Just to reiterate the other posts, don't feel bad about being disappointed. I desperately wanted a daughter for my second (and last) baby and it was another boy.

While it's great to be able to find out whether you're having a boy or girl before it's born, it's a bit of a double-edged sword as you then have weeks to think about it being a boy/girl on it before the birth. But not the excitement of actually seeing your baby for another 20 weeks or so. Once you've given birth, the joy of having your baby puts paid to any disappointment.

It's ok to feel the way you feel, lots of us felt the same way and we don't love our children any less or would want to change a thing about them once they're here.

Hiya, sorry to hear you are feeling this way, but just know you have a gorgeous healthy baby inside you right now. As it turns out I had my scan too and it's a girl, I won't lie I felt a bit of a sting too but just give it some time - and don't think of the things you can't do anymore, think of all the things you'll be able to do with your family. Don't be hard on yourself either, we all have ways we think things will play out and sometimes it just doesn't work that way. Hope you are ok.

You'll be fine... i just had boy no.5 ! It wasn't that I don't want a boy, but there is this odd feeling over me that I'm unlikely to ever have a daughter as I'm getting older and my last pregnancy was tough and i really think if i have another it will be another boy anyway... but he is snuggled on my lap right now and that feeling isn't there at all. It's hard when pregnant to remember that rush of pure love, so don't overthink at the moment, just trust that your feelings are normal and when your baby is here you won't care

@Figgygal I was a bit quiet but wasn’t down or anything in the scan. & no definitely didn’t feel like this with DS2, I wanted DS1 to have a brother.

Awww OP. I'm one of the most 'defying gender stereotypes' people I know and I think I'd even feel this way if I had multiple kids with the same gender. Give yourself time

Boys are so cute and loving. It will be fantastic OP!

Thinking of you OP. Of course you will love your little boy when he comes but you take all the time you need right now to grieve the loss of what you had hoped you might have. That’s so normal and you are not a bad mum or person for feeling that way. It’s so natural as women to want a girl. The book someone else mentions above sounds like a really good thing to try get hold of. Hope you are able to feel a bit more upbeat once you’ve had the time you need to sit with the news and process it. All the best ❤️

We told our boys that they would be having a baby brother and they are very excited which perked me up. I’ve bought some matching T-shirt’s (I know cringe for some!!) and a few baby things to try to bond more.
I feel a lot better now, I do still get pangs of sadness but beyond that I am starting to feel excited again. My husband said we can always try for number 4 😂 it would definitely be another boy!

I just want to thank everyone for being so kind and respectful on this thread, it’s complicated and I have a lot going on at the moment outside of the pregnancy which has probably heightened my emotions + pregnancy hormones! It’s been really good to be completely honest & it’s made me feel better now bottling things up!!

Glad you’re feeling a bit better. The matching tops sound adorable, you’re going to have some lovely photos. Three boys is going to be a world of love and fun.

OP you sound absolutely lovely and I'm glad that you weren't given a hard time on here. Best wishes for your growing bump, so exciting!

I felt this when I found out my first was a girl. I always imagined I’d have a boy. All my family had girls, I got it in my head somehow I’d be the first to bring a boy in. I loved boys clothes, never girls. Also it scared me because I didn’t believe I was strong and I have a lot of insecurities. For some reason I had it in my head a boy wouldn’t deal with any of those issues and I worried I could not bring up a strong female. I’ve got over this obviously in fact my DD is helping me without realising 😂
When I found out I was having a girl I felt so disappointed. I felt guilty for feeling so sad about it. I cried... a lot. Now I am so happy I had a daughter, I couldn’t imagine a son.

Even if you have another boy you’ll feel sad but don’t feel guilty for that as you will get over it and find positives about it and you’ll love him just as much as you love your other DC 😊 I think these feelings are more common than we think so don’t be too hard on yourself for having those feelings x

@JellyBert I’ve just seen your update. Congratulations 😊 glad to hear you’re feeling a bit better about it now. Once he’s here all those feelings would be long gone 😊 all the best to you and your family x

I think you sound like you'll be fine and are already coming to terms with it. Sounds like you are appropriately loving and appreciative of your boys too. No one can help their feelings. I think we were a little sad we'd never have a boy when we had our dds. Of course when you have them they are brilliant and you love them to bits and could never regret them. You sound like you'll be the same. Any chance of any nieces? If not maybe grand daughters one day.

OP no need to feel bad at all. I’ve had a lot of anxiety around my current pregnancy and the relief at an early scan looking good was amazing so I’m just going to be relieved if the baby is healthy. However I have 2 girls and there is part of me that is really hoping for a boy. My strategy is to wait until the birth to find out- that way I will just be incredibly happy to have my baby safely and will care much less about gender.

I am girl with 2 big brothers, so it happens!

I do disagree with those saying 'it is always boys' over gender disappointment, in this case I think it is probably more that this is the last baby and all are same gender.

That is really not unsual. My SIL had 3 girls and with the last one, there was definitely the sense that while they would love their dd and obviously do, it was the last chance for a boy, and so that was somethign they had to work through.