I feel like a horrible person - Gender disappointment.

[JellyBert]

I haven’t found out yet (my scan is next weekend) but I’m pretty sure DC3 will be another boy.

I’ll start by saying I LOVE my boys, honestly they are amazing & I really love being a mum. I love their bond & how close they are. They play with everything & anything, I’ve always tried to not be stereotypical or pigeon hole them as ‘boys will be boys’.

I’m starting to feel really scared about my scan because I know if it’s a boy I’ll feel upset, this is 100% my last baby. I feel awful that I will feel upset, so guilty & uncomfortable with how I feel. I’ve been pining over girls clothes (I know it’s stupid!!) & imagining baby being a girl & having two big brothers. I’m trying not to get my hopes up so telling myself & my husband “ahh it will be a boy” to protect myself but it’s not working & I'm anxious - nobody knows how I feel as I haven’t said this ‘out loud’.

Gah I know nobody can help me but has anybody felt like this & had gender disappointment? I will get over it won’t I? Worried it will affect my bond, didn’t feel this way in my previous pregnancies I was quite glad DS2 was a boy so DS1 has a brother but I think it’s because this is so final (last ever time)

@AlpineSnow I’m an only child but maybe my best friend will have a girl one day

sorry, first comment was mistimed, for some reason I didn't have the whole thread downloaded.

I felt like this I had 3 DD and knew I wasn't having any more children I was on contraception and I got caught 3 months after giving birth to 3rd DD was a shock pregnancy but I've now got my little boy!!

I was at baby weigh in when my DS was little and heard one of the clinicians say to a mum... a second girl you are lucky I know some want mixed but girls are the best. She noticed me watching and shut up, was friendly when I went over with DS, but I debated complaining about her bias. She didn't know how I felt, that I had DD at school and as much as I love DD I love my DS.

It would be easy to say ignore other people's comments, but they can be upsetting. I was once told by a mum that DS as a baby was too attractive to be a boy!

I feel strongly protective over DS from teachers who seem to favour girls too.

Aw OP wishing you the best. I understand. I was upset in a similar scenario. As soon as I found out my second was a boy I was upset that I would never have a girl, but I didn’t wish he wasn’t a boy if that makes sense. As soon as I knew he was a boy, that was that, he was who he was and I couldn’t wait to meet him but finding out he was a boy just happened to coincide with my knowing I’d never have a girl and my heart just sank. That was 3 years ago and I still think about it.

@Enough4me the comments do hurt.

I’m having a little cry again tonight as I saw a mother & young daughter out having a meal. I know it’s bloody silly, I just feel sad. I’m so jealous. My neighbour has three girls & I’m just jealous, it’s awful. I feel so jealous of women with girls, why won’t I have one?

People have to deal with infertility & baby loss & I’m complaining.

I keep thinking maybe the sonographer was wrong and it’s a girl... I know it’s the other way round & you can rarely miss a penis but just being daft. I think I’m a little depressed anyway due to a different situation so this is escalating it. Gah! Worried I need to speak to my midwife next appt as I guess I am struggling in general at the mo x

,@JellyBert pregnancy and post-partum hormones are not rational. It's not you feeling this way, it's the hormones. And they shall pass.

I didn't find out the sex in advance with DC2 because I didn't know what I wanted and, if it turned out I had a preference, I didn't want the disappointment without the baby to take my mind off it.

Lo and behold, DC2 is a boy and I feel really sorry that I couldn't get a sister for DD (deffo stopping at two!) Doesn't mean I wish DS didn't exist and I'd had some fictitious DD instead, doesn't mean I'm not very grateful to have him here. I'm just quietly mourning the loss of a possibility- a door slamming shut in the corridor of life. I'd probably have felt the same if DC2 had been another girl, due to no possibility of ever having a son. I think what you're feeling is normal to an extent, but if you feel you're having consistently low moods after more than a day or so it is worth mentioning to your midwife.

@PotteringAlong

It’s always boys. No one is ever disappointed about having a girl...

Sorry, but that’s absolute nonsense.

This is Mumsnet, populated almost entirely by women. Many - most? - women would like to have a girl.

Go over to Dadsnet, and I’m sure that many (most?!) of them would secretly like a son.

And then, yes, as the OP has already pointed out, there is a huge preference for boys in some other cultures.

Just wanted to say that I had gender disappointment with DS, I really wanted a sister for DD and from a sentimental point as they were due at the same time of year I was really looking forward to another baby wearing all her things (crazy but blame the hormones). We had a private scan at 16 weeks and found out he was a boy and I was really upset, managed to hold it together while we were there but cried when we got home. After a few days I did start to get my head round it though and by the time he was here I was ecstatic. He’s now 8 weeks old and I wouldn’t change him for the world. Hormones have a lot to answer for but I found that having a few friends who I could be honest with about my feelings made it a lot easier. They didn’t tell me I was daft or ungrateful, just listened, and afterwards when I said I’d been a bit of a prat they agreed but said they didn’t want to tell me that at the time. You’re not the only one to feel like this and yes there are worse things that could happen but it’s doesn’t invalidate your feelings!

Jealousy is a horrid feeling as it links with guilt and is so self-damaging. The best way to get it out is to own it, talk about it with trusted friends, talk on here and have therapy if it feels like it is taking over.

I was jealous after a molar pregnancy. I had 1 DC but wanted another. It seemed that all around me were people with 2-3 who were happier than me. Jealousy really f**ks with your mind and can be isolating. Talking and crying really do help!

To add, I then had my DS, but I remember the jealousy as it messed me up.

@Enough4me I’m sorry for your loss. I am quite a jealous person by nature (not proud) so it’s quite horrible.

I will speak to my midwife as she knows about the other things going on so is keeping an eye anyway. I spoke with a friend who is having another little girl (her second) who is also experiencing this as she wanted a boy. I think it is common with multiple of the same, as personally I want to experience both & there’s so much cultural pressure on ‘1 girl, 1 boy = perfect’ that people DO make comments (even if you aren’t aware, I’ve had them with 2 boys and dreading them with 3 boys). It’s been really helpful to hear everyone’s experiences.

@JellyBert I had a similar feeling when I was first pregnant. As the plan was to only have one and I just couldn't see that I would know what to do with a boy (quick shout out to all the Susan's and Karen's out there before they appear to tell me I'm horrible! yes unpopular opinion especially for my first but hey, shit happens get over it.. I did) I had a boy anyway. He's now 18 months, turns out the just one plan didn't exactly go to plan and I'm pregnant again now and if anything now I know how much I love my current little boy I secretly hoped for another boy... well, I'm having 2 more boys as I'm actually expecting twins 😂🤦🏼‍♀️ that was a shocking day to say the least! Hope all is well with you and your taking care of yourself! x

Congratulations @emma911030 twins! Your three will be very close.
That’s what I’m holding onto (hopefully) as my two will be 3 & 5 when the baby is born so I hope baby isn’t left out as it grows up - they are extremely close & best friends!