I feel like a horrible person - Gender disappointment.

[JellyBert]

I haven’t found out yet (my scan is next weekend) but I’m pretty sure DC3 will be another boy.

I’ll start by saying I LOVE my boys, honestly they are amazing & I really love being a mum. I love their bond & how close they are. They play with everything & anything, I’ve always tried to not be stereotypical or pigeon hole them as ‘boys will be boys’.

I’m starting to feel really scared about my scan because I know if it’s a boy I’ll feel upset, this is 100% my last baby. I feel awful that I will feel upset, so guilty & uncomfortable with how I feel. I’ve been pining over girls clothes (I know it’s stupid!!) & imagining baby being a girl & having two big brothers. I’m trying not to get my hopes up so telling myself & my husband “ahh it will be a boy” to protect myself but it’s not working & I'm anxious - nobody knows how I feel as I haven’t said this ‘out loud’.

Gah I know nobody can help me but has anybody felt like this & had gender disappointment? I will get over it won’t I? Worried it will affect my bond, didn’t feel this way in my previous pregnancies I was quite glad DS2 was a boy so DS1 has a brother but I think it’s because this is so final (last ever time)

Let us know op! I've known people go through similar in real life (for both sexes) and actually, they were fine :)

For what it's worth, three boys would be so cool!!

3 boys are amazing but I get what you mean. I felt the same. Think the main issue was everyone constantly saying 'are you hoping for a girl' puts pressure on. Prepare for weeks after birth getting the 'when you trying for a girl then'.

Thanks everyone, I feel like a less horrible person. I definitely want to find out to prepare prior to birth, that’s just who I am (inpatient through & through) but I know once I get my head round it I’ll be ok. It’s just the initial reaction that worries me & is making me scared to know!!

@wezly it’s the comments I can’t stand. I’ve already had a number of people say “hope it’s a girl this time” and I smile / laugh when I want to say “fuck off” to be frank! It’s hard enough battling with the silly thoughts without others making you feel worse!

I have three boys and i was a bit sad for a while not having a daughter, it was made a bit harder at the time as I literally had eight friends and aquaintenances with two boys who had a girl for number three, i was the only one to end up with the boys! Various tactless remarks about how special it was to have a daughter were made in my hearing 😕.
It has faded to more of a vague daydream than something that makes me feel sad now and what is nice is that DS3 is the only one to share some of my interests and talents, so he is like me in a man's body and we have a special relationship after all.
I am keeping my fingers crossed for a granddaughter though!

@JellyBert I had 3 boys fighting to tuck me into bed yesterday. Last week one massaged my head, other hand and one brushed my hair, they are so doting on their mummy. But the comments will never end, my final boy started school this year, but everyone seems to think that means perfect time to try for the girl, like you can't be happy with boys. You don't need Reminding how lucky you are with what you have, but it helps me when that's all everyone says really.

Loving all the talk of 3 boys 💕
Honestly my boys are so wonderful, my youngest is a total mini me (he’s only 3 but is the spit of me & also has my personality). I would love a girl - oh the clothes the clothes - but actually I feel a lot better since I first posted. I don’t have any issue with another boy, it’s just wanting a girl too & experiencing a daughter. I really don’t believe in gender stereotypes but that’s how I ‘picture’ my life. Need to stop thinking about it for now!

I am still anxious for the scan but what will be will be, I know I am lucky either way.

OP I understand. As lots of people said above it's not like this is your first pregnancy, you have two wonderful boys already, it's not unreasonable to want a different experience.

I'm pregnant with DC3. I have two girls who are (of course ) the best kids in the world. But I can't help feeling happy that this baby coming is a boy, just because I get to experience something slightly different (although, as I've discovered, boys clothes are awful!!!)

@ClevaName Congratulations! I bet your little boy will be doted on by his big sisters.
Clothes are the absolute worse, most things are dark or navy. I also dislike baby blue & love rainbows & bright colours my favourite colour is pale pink too so that doesn’t help...

[quote PotteringAlong]@JellyBert the article is talking about China and India. If you search gender disappointment threads on mumsnet I bet you would be hard pushed to find any, or certainly not more than 1 or 2 percent of them, who express disappointment about having a girl.

So no, I stand by my comment that, in general, in our society, it’s always people disappointed in having a boy.[/quote]
I'll start by saying I am having a boy and I am absolutely NOT disappointed to be.

But I find these comments a bit unfair. I think it's perfectly understandable that a lot of women would like to mother a daughter. We know the majority of these women will love their sons and probably wonder why they were bothered at all when he's here but I don't think it's all that unusual that a female would fantasise about having a female child.

In the same way that I imagine the majority of men who experience gender disappointment will have it the opposite way round and want a son rather than a daughter.

You're positing on MN though where the majority are women. I bet if you discussed it with a larger group including men, there would be more of the opposite than you see here.

You sound a bit better already OP which is good. I found out the sex of DD2 at the 20 week scan as I really wanted a boy (we already had a girl) and we weren't going to be having anymore. I have a brother, DH has a brother and sister. I didn't want to be disappointed with a healthy baby when (s)he was born so wanted to find out in advance
I was so upset. Went home, cried for 2 days, felt better after about a week, got used to it and now wouldn't change a thing, of course. They're both wonderful.

I was previously rather judgemental of gender disappointment as I had no preference when I was pregnant.

I understand it more having experienced friends who have had it. A close friend has 2 boys and is desparate for a 3rd child (and desperately wants a girl). She has a very close relationship with her mum and sister which I think she looks to future and thinks she won't have the same closeness with her son's.

I have a lot of boys in my family and one of my brothers is emotionally closer to my mum than I am as the only female.

I have girls and felt similar in the way I don't have a template for what it's like to have sisters growing up and a very female dominated household. I fully expected boys every time I was pregnant!

I think it's worth time thinking about why you want this baby to be a girl. Wallow in it for a bit to let yourself process those feelings. Hope your scan goes well and you find happiness with either boy or girl.

I agree @FruitLoopyLoo, men are quite often vocal about wanting a son and being dissapointed it's a girl, but as there aren't as many on MN it is centred around women.

OP,
try to remember, you don't know who they are. Wanting a specific gender carries a lot of assumptions. DH and I 'wanted' girls because we are both quiet bookish people, although he loves football. We got two outdoorsy boys who taught us to have fun in lots of ways we might not have otherwise. But they also love books. And they hate football.

The girl you imagine might be the opposite of what you get. The boy you are worried you'll be disappointed in could be the most loving and easy going child in your family.

My husband wants a girl/thinks it’s a girl so think he’s the same as me secretly, I had no preference with my first two children but this time round I would really like a girl. Think I’d be the same if I had two girls and pregnant with third!
It’s really helpful to hear everyone’s experiences & I know deep down I will be able to bond / love the baby if he’s a boy, may be disappointed at first (& he will never ever know) but I’m sure I’ll get over it x

I have three boys and would have loved a girl. When I was expecting ds3 we did find out at the scan so I could mentally prepare myself and I actually was not as bothered as I thought I would be. I realised all the benefits of having three the same sex and they are all so different it really does not matter. I try and joke along with people who say about having a girl.

I have one DS and I would love this bump to be a girl. I have a very difficult relationship with my mother and I would frankly enjoy the chance to show that you can mother a daughter without lots of abuse and instilling a lot of anxieties and body image issues. Doesn't mean I won't love another boy and I absolutely love having a little boy - not once I wished he was a girl. But it's taken us a long while both times to get pregnant so it's probably the last baby for us too and I can't help thinking this is the last chance for a girl.

@JellyBert you need to look into scandi brands and Frugi - lots of colourful and bright gender neutral clothes!

@lorisparkle I joke with people too, I would never act offended or serious it’s not in my nature but I do sometimes find it quite hurtful. My auntie made a non-jokey comment about being so glad she has a daughter as boys run away with their girlfriends (before I even got pregnant so had 2 DS) and I was just - she was deadly serious & just didn’t seem to realise I had two boys!

@MammaBear18 I do love some scandi but I find it quite expensive (even 2nd hand), frugi is just way out of my price range. It’s a shame supermarkets etc don’t sell a wider range of non-gendered clothes for children! I get a lot of stuff 2nd hand and tbh it’s usually next which sometimes makes my children look like mini teenagers which I don’t really like!

I’ve found a few nice unisex pieces in Tu (Sainsbury’s), admittedly mostly animals but often some nice unusual ones like DS has a cool aquatic too with whales and narwhals on. He looks good in mustard yellow and forest green too, so have several pieces in that instead of grey and navy blue all the time. Shame you have to hunt down pieces if you don’t just want blue sharks, dinosaurs and vehicles 🙄

In our society it isn't most 'people' that prefer girls, it's most women. A male forum would read very differently, and indeed, there is a wealth of research to show that men prefer boys and are far more likely to leave the family unit if their offspring is solely female.

My eldest (18) is a girl who I had as a single mum, I was delighted for all the cliched reasons, dresses and dolls etc. But she’s been nothing like that, such a cool individual with bags of confidence and her own style. She’s been a joy to bring up, as have my two sons. But I do feel there’s so much we share as two women that I won’t have with my sons and I’m grateful to have experienced that.
I’m pregnant with my 4th, and last and can’t help but feel disappointed it’s a third boy. I just feel I was meant to have another girl, I would have liked to raise another and I’d have liked to see my husband with his biological daughter, now that will never be.
I don’t think anyone should feel bad or silly about wanting a certain gender, it’s not always about the stereotypes.

Sorry for the essay! Just to add, even though I’m disappointed I am glad I found out now as I would hate to feel disappointment holding a new baby.

@PotteringAlong and on every thread about gender disappointment there’s a you who comments the exact same thing What did you hope to achieve exactly?

OP I’m hope you get the girl you desire but I’m sure if baby is a boy you will just as happy once he’s here.

I love my boys and they are no way 2nd best but I would like a girl too, I’m glad people are understanding. Boys are amazing FYI and I am very lucky

@FizzingWhizzbee123 will check out Tu, I tend to go to Tesco as it’s my local supermarket and did get a few cute bits the other day (25% off).

@AnneTwackie yeah I really need to find out, couldn’t have a surprise & would have to be disappointed when they are born. I mean I hate to be disappointed anyway which is why I feel awful! But this is just in my head, like I said I would never tell anyone how I feel out loud so he would never know I had these feelings.

Still on countdown, my husband actually asked me yesterday do I know I’m pregnant obviously doesn’t know how much I’m obsessing

I dont think you can tell from how you feel. I felt pretty differently throughout my two pregs but had two the same.
I don't think yanbu at all but have no doubt that you'll get over it and have zero disappointments further down the line if it is a boy.
I dont blame you for not discussing this in real life but think you've articulated it really well.
All the best!

Worth remembering that every child conceived is a gift - and not everyone is fortunate enough to have that gift.
Concentrate on hoping for a healthy baby and safe delivery. You are a very lucky lady.