I’m going to have to face the fact that something is very wrong aren’t I?

[Losing]

I had my first positive HPT on the 29th of August.

I had pain on one side on the 7th of September that I went to A&E with on advice of my GP. My bloods were taken then (507) and 48 hours later on the 9th (1070). They had doubled and the pain had stopped so I regained some hope that all might still be well.

A scan this Tuesday revealed an empty sac that might have had something in it, but they couldn’t be sure. A blood test from the same day showed a hcg level of 4013 (should have been around 8000 if it was doubling by then) and one yesterday, that I just got the results from, is only 5308.

I have to wait for a phone call on Monday to book another scan as they are worried it may be ectopic. I’m on strict orders to go to A&E straight away if the pain or heavy bleeding starts.

This is my last shot at this as I just can’t face it anymore (three previous miscarriages, one at 18 weeks).

I keep frantically googling, hunting for any slither of hope that I know deep down is not going to be true. I’m also now terrified that it is ectopic and that any moment now I’m going to rupture.

I just want it all over but feel I am stuck in limbo.

I’m really sorry op, my thoughts are with you and your DH . It must have been so confusing for you as well given the discrepancy with the private scans and the NHS ones and it seems very cruel that you have been given conflicting information until this most recent appointment. Hoping for healing and strength for you both and happier brighter days in your future once you’ve taken some time to heal from this sadness.

oh @Losing I'm so sorry. I'm sending you a hug, remote and safe, and nice big strong shoulders to lean on. And

Enjoy that brie. All the brie. And the wine.

Oh no, sorry to read your update. Look after yourself, OP.

Oh you've really been through it here, I'm genuinely sorry to see you update. Lots of love to you.

Thank you everyone, I had to step away for a bit.

I think the worse is over now, didn’t feel right flushing the sac, so me and DH buried it (feels wrong saying ‘it’) by the apple tree in the garden. That was where we put the ashes from the late mc.

It’s still pretty heavy but just like a bad period now.

DH has said he would still love a dc but he can see what it is doing to me and will go ahead with the vasectomy if I decide enough is enough.

Right now that is still very much how I feel but won’t make any permanent decisions whole I’m still a bit of an emotional wreck.

Was devastated to read your update, OP. I'm so sorry this is happening to you and your DH

I'm so, so sorry. That is so cruel and unfair to you and your DH. Sending you so much love

@losing I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, but I think it’s lovely you have buried the baby in the garden ❤️

I hope it isn’t unhelpful to say this and I’m sorry if it is - but my parents tried to have a baby for 10 years, they had fertility treatment and had 4 miscarriages. In the end they gave up, but then ended up having me and my brother naturally when my mum was 40 and 42. I just wanted to tell you this positive story - it’s entirely up to you what you want to do, I found I’d had a missed miscarriage just yesterday and I now understand how painful miscarriages are and why you might feel you don’t want to go through it again. I completely understand but I just wanted to tell you my parents story, in case you did decide to leave the opportunity open for the future ❤️

I understand why you don't want to go through with it. Don't rush into anything, you may well change your mind. I know I did. Sending hugs. X