I’m going to have to face the fact that something is very wrong aren’t I?

[Losing]

I had my first positive HPT on the 29th of August.

I had pain on one side on the 7th of September that I went to A&E with on advice of my GP. My bloods were taken then (507) and 48 hours later on the 9th (1070). They had doubled and the pain had stopped so I regained some hope that all might still be well.

A scan this Tuesday revealed an empty sac that might have had something in it, but they couldn’t be sure. A blood test from the same day showed a hcg level of 4013 (should have been around 8000 if it was doubling by then) and one yesterday, that I just got the results from, is only 5308.

I have to wait for a phone call on Monday to book another scan as they are worried it may be ectopic. I’m on strict orders to go to A&E straight away if the pain or heavy bleeding starts.

This is my last shot at this as I just can’t face it anymore (three previous miscarriages, one at 18 weeks).

I keep frantically googling, hunting for any slither of hope that I know deep down is not going to be true. I’m also now terrified that it is ectopic and that any moment now I’m going to rupture.

I just want it all over but feel I am stuck in limbo.

I think I’ve now come to terms with the fact that a miracle isn’t what is happening.

I’ve booked a scan for 7.40pm tonight at the private place. Hopefully they’ll be able to see clearly and tell me 100% that I’m having a miscarriage so I can move on.

Good luck for tonight OP, I can't imagine how you must feel

I am sorry to hear that, @Losing. Hope the scan this evening will bring you some closure.

Think DH is taking it worse than I am, he said he was convinced they’d see a baby with a heartbeat today.

I think I knew deep down, despite the hope, that something was wrong. It feels particularly cruel that I’m having quite strong symptoms today too.

Oh @Losing I'm sorry you still don't know for sure, it's torture isn't it? When I pg with DS2, I had a bleed at about 5 weeks. They scanned me and couldn't see anything. I had to go back a week later and then they did see a heartbeat. It was the longest week of my life, and I suspect it was because my dates were a bit off and I wasn't as far along as I thought.

You poor thing, this must be just mentally torturous for you I really hope you can get a conclusive answer soon.

Handhold. I'm sorry OP

I'm so sorry to read your update, OP. I've been thinking about you all morning and hoping for a positive answer for you.

I'm sorry you are going through this op. The uncertainty and living in limbo is horrible.

So sorry op. Hope you get a firm answer of a kind on this very soon. X

I'm
Sorry, hoping for the best xxx

Did they do it transvaginal? If not that's probably why they could not see much if you're early

Thinking of you, OP, hope you get some clarity xx

And the saga continues...

I’m swinging between shocked joy and feeling like a mouse that’s being played with by a cat.

The sonographer had the probe in for all of two seconds before she said ‘there’s the baby and a heartbeat’. I asked her if she was joking and she showed us a little flashing bean.

It’s measuring a week behind in dates, so we aren’t completely out of the woods (we never are) but she said not to worry about that too much.

I’ve had to cancel the glass of red I was going to console myself with tonight and have had to rush round to take my prenatal vitamin as I hadn’t bothered after this mornings scan.

Yes, the scans have all been TV, apparently I have a tilted uterus and it can make it difficult to scan.

That's so exciting, congratulations. I had something similar in that I was measuring almost two weeks behind, when I was meant to be nearly 8 weeks. I didn't believe her when she said there was a tiny baby with a tiny heartbeat either. By my dating scan it had caught up and I was dated 4 days behind my LMP, but at 31 weeks now it's measuring as a 32 weeker which is what I should be.

I hope your little one continues to chug away at growing

I also have a retroverted uterus too (and am large of belly which made it harder )

What wonderful news OP 💗💗

Oh this has toyed with my emotions! I’m so glad there’s a heartbeat! Such amazing news.
Wishing the absolute best for you and DH OP.

I will be following this intently!

That’s great news! Crossing everything it goes well for you.

Oooh so pleased for you and keeping everything crossed for the next scan.

Bloody hell OP. What a day for you both. Much love x

@Losing that's wonderful news! I was measuring almost a week behind dates in those early days too (I think I ovulated late or something) but he caught up by 12 weeks. Now almost 36 weeks and measuring on a big side. 😘😘

Wishing you the very, very best. Try and relax now for a while x

Not sure what I would have done without MN in the last couple of weeks.

I’m allowing myself to be happy at the moment. I know it may be snatched away again in a flash, but for now all is possibly ok.

It’s certainly been a bloody rollercoaster so far!

I’m actually going off to bed early now. Hardly slept last night and I think the day of anxiety/crying/shock/happy is catching up to me.

Thank you again all, your virtual handholds and words have really helped. 💐