Catching up - TTC After Miscarriage part 3

[BecsterG]

Hi Ladies, just setting up a new thread as we're almost at the end of the current one. Let's move over when it's full.

Xx

I remember you @mlax! Welcome back!!
I name changed earlier this year 😁
Glad to hear you are having your rainbow baby 👶

@mlax welcome! I remember you too from the beginning of the year!

Exciting that ours finding out the gender tomorrow. Do you have an inkling of what you think it is?

Thanks ladies! Things could change at any point which is why I have to be scanned weekly (@ChampooPapi every Weds 😬, although it's on Tues next week) but for now things look as good as they can do so we're holding on to that and trying to stay positive. I didn't realise we could ask to go on our sides... I know what you mean about how uncomfortable those beds are!

@BS9790 I'm sure if his heartbeat was anything to worry about they would have said. I don't think that's too low from what I've read? Oh wow, you've just described how my pain feels! The skin feels burnt/tingly/numb but it also goes deeper and the muscle feels torn as well 😣 I haven't heard anything yet from the hospital from my bloods...although it was only two days ago.

How are you getting on @MrsB16 any signs of anything yet?! 😃 hope you're okay!

@MilsCookie I think I maybe at the start of something but then again being a first time mum I might be completely wrong! Classic signs through, but of my plug and upset tummy and nausea so I’m hoping it might be!

I was hoping to hold on a little while longer as the length of time my husband can have is dependant on when she arrives as he is an accountant and a huge international company and quarter end is at the end of September. If she comes early or is on time then he can only have 2 weeks and has to work quarter end (which means midnight almost every night for 10 days and both weekend days!) if she’s late then he will be on leave when quarter end is happening and can have a month. I really want the family time and he is an absolute nightmare to live with every quarter end so it’s not ideal. He’s promised me it won’t be like that this time but we will have to see!

How is the house? Can you move straight in or is it a project?

@MilsCookie, yep my pain is just like that. Hope yours isn't the same as mine, it's got much worse over time. When I sit on the sofa it feels like my muscles there are burning. I've done a bit of googling & mentioned to midwife a few times now and most common likelyhood is that its nerve related x

Thank you @Whiffle77 @SunnySideUp2020 💖

Glad you also remember me @BecsterG! I've absolutely no idea 😂 all the usual pregnancy symptoms I've been having are girl symptoms (which I rllllly do want) but have in my head it will be a boy - purely on the basis that I want a girl so bad haha! I will be happy with either however xx

@MrsB16 exciting! I was going to say fingers crossed it is the start of something but sounds like you'd rather the baby just hold on a bit longer. If you can, try and ignore these things and time will move faster. Everyone seems to get different symptoms at the start of labour so it's so hard to know but any change could mean your body is getting ready.

I've had a dodgy tummy the last few nights which is annoying. I think maybe my boy is pushing down on my bowel or something now in preparation! 🤷🏻‍♀️ who knows!

@mlax I really looked into old wives tales before I knew this time and last although I was convinced this time I was having another boy. The Chinese gender chart was right for me both times. Last time I had horrendous skin which is meant to mean a girl but he was a boy. Ha ha Looking forward to hearing. X

Congratulations and welcome @mlax. Lovely to see you joining us!

I had different symptoms in both pregnancies and will have one of each, DSis has also had very different symptoms and will have 2 boys. I had a lot of the 'typical' girl symptoms with DS!

Chinese gender chart was correct with both of mine, but only one of my sister's. 3/4 is better than 50/50 I guess, but not exactly a huge sample size

Exciting times @MrsB16. First thread baby soon!!

I've been having a lot of bump pain. After last week's cramps, I woke up yesterday and as I went to get out of bed I got horrendous pain in the top of my bump to the point I couldn't move and was struggling to breathe. It took a good 10 minutes to settle. I called the midwife and she thinks it was a muscular thing. Baby is still wriggling away, although she's moved to be more central in the bump now which could be part of it.

I'm getting very fed up now!

My friend who was due 3 days after me has just broken her waters. I’m actually quite jealous despite the fact I would like more time for my husband! Never thought I would be jealous of someone getting pain!!

Ha ha I completely get that @MrsB16. You never know she could take ages and you could still go first. That's the hard thing with babies, you really have no clue!

I was convinced with my first I'd go overdue and be induced bur I went into labour 3 days early. Ha ha

My friend has been messaging me all night saying it’s the worst pain of her life and she’s had the epidural which she was dead against. I know she’s looking to me for support but it’s really helpful to
Someone who is also imminently about to go through it and has sky high anxiety.

I’m really down this morning and my head is all over the place, my mind is really not my own right now and I have now got it into my head because she is giving birth to a healthy baby that’s statistically more of a chance that my baby will now die or be stillborn. It’s a terrible place to be when I should just be really happy for my friend.

I meant really NOT helpful

I thought I would be over this fear by now but I’m really not. I just can’t my head around the fact that my baby may actually come home with me. The only scenarios that are playing in my head are ones where she dies and I feel so awful for saying that.

I met my new midwife on Wednesday at the new hospital and she was so lovely and nice. It was the first time a medical professional had really asked me how I was feeling and took time to listen to me. That meant I then cried to her for a good 20 minutes about my fears and my lack of bonding with the baby (like I can’t even really touch my bump) and now I’ve been referred to the mental health team as she was really worried about me. Now I’m worried that if my baby does survive they will take her away from me as I’m clearly not very stable right now! Sorry to bring the thread down but my husband is away for the weekend (despite me being 38+5!) and I have been awake all night trying to support my friend and I just feel really lost.

@MrsB16 they wouldn't take her away lovely. The mental health team will really help. Hopefully they'll get back in touch with you soon and you'll have someone to speak to.

Your worries are all valid, and as someone who has had a loss before, you're more likely to feel this way and it is not unusual.

Do you feel that you can be honest with your friend and tell her that while you are happy for her and want to support her, you need to look after yourself right now and that conversations like those are not helping matters? Sometimes we do have to be selfish to protect ourselves.

Sending hugs. We're all here for you to rant at and talk to. Air your fears on here, I'm sure there's not one of them that you're alone in feeling. Xx

@MrsB16 ohhhhhh I just wanted to give you a big hug after reading all your messages!! But a) we are internet friends, b) Covid wouldn't let me, and c) our bumps would get in the way 🤣 it's TOTALLY normal to feel that way. Becoming a mum is overwhelming - I have been getting some really anxious/nervous feelings about it all lately like how am I going to handle twins. And like @Ejb86 said, after a loss it's even more understandable. Have you listened to the Happy Mum, Happy Baby podcast at all? There are often people being interviewed on there saying they didn't feel the warm, gushy feelings we expect to feel when their baby was born and it took them a while to bond. It's a normal reaction and it can take time. You may feel it straight away, you may not. But please try not to put pressure on yourself to feel a certain way and just try to go with the flow. As for your friend, I agree with what Ejb86 said and maybe just say you're finding it hard to talk about labour etc right now when you're about to go through it. Have you looked into hypnobirthing at all? Maybe have a look at some YouTube videos to help you feel calmer about everything? I'm sorry your husband isn't there either, have you got friends/family nearby you can talk to? Sending big hugs and it will all be okay 😘 xxxx

P.s. with the house luckily it's mainly fine, no renovations needed desperately. We're going to redo/decorate the twins' room and maybe get a new carpet in ours but other than that it's just about getting organised and putting things in their place!

@MrsB16 sending big virtual hugs 😘😘
I think all of your concerns are perfectly healthy and normal. Especially after a loss. It sounds like you are probably holding back because of your fears and being extra cautious to protect yourself. BUT more importantly you are worried about your baby's wellbeing and worried about being able to bond. Which is all positive signs to me that you actually love and care so so much ❤
The mental health team will be here to reassure you and for you to share you fears openly without any judgements... a bit like here but in person!
They would absolutely not take your baby away. And like Mils said, bonding just doesn't come the same way for every new mum. I read books and follow professionals and that idea that you are in love and overwhelmingly happy to be a ftm is just so outdated. People are being honest and A LOT admit it just takes time sometimes. And it's ok.
Just don't hesitate to share your feelings, whether on here on with very close friends or the mental health team when you meet them.

@Mrsb16 sending you lots of love.

I felt exactly the same way with DS after a previous MMC. I didn't dare bond with him until he was about 6 months old, and I still go into his room at night to check he is still breathing at 5 - I really thought that I wasn't going to get to keep him. It was hard, and lonely sometimes. Sounds cliche but I really did 'fake it til you make it' and he has no attachment issues at all, thankfully!

You've done the right thing speaking to the midwife to get support. They will not take your baby away - even if they had serious concerns about you (and they would need to show you were a danger to her, which you clearly are not) they wouldn't be able to take her away from your husband. That is meant to be reassuring, by the way, and not casting any doubts on your ability to love and care for your baby 💜❤

As for your friend, does she have any family who can support her? You need to be a bit selfish about this, especially as you don't have your husband for support this weekend.

Just remember, every labour is different and every woman experiences labour pain differently. For me with DS, it was just like bad period pains. Not fun, but not excruciating. I had an epidural after about 10 hours of active labour, mostly because I was shattered and hadn't dilated any further at all in that time. Turned out DS was in an unfavourable position and I had to have an EMCS as he wasn't coming out by himself.

As Sunnyside says, we're here if you want to talk and we will not judge you however you feel, because at least one of us will feel/have felt the same.

Very exciting about your new house, @MilsCookie

Thank you ladies, I knew this group would understand! I just need to try and stay positive and you are all 100% right. It is definitely a coping mechanism to try and protect myself from heartache. My miscarriage broke me and I have never felt that dark or alone. I’m trying to protect myself from those feelings but it’s not this baby’s fault and she deserves my love and affection. I’m
Hoping that when I see her all of my fears will start to fall away but I am also prepared for that not happening and it taking time. I think I just have to be honest with how I feel and take each day as it comes.

My friend looks like she is heading for an emergency section for failure to progress so I would actually rather be sat on my comfy sofa trying to work out the baby monitor right now with my baby kicking away than feeling quite scared as I know she is right now. The things we put ourselves through for our babies but they will all
Be 100% worth it

@MrsB16 I'm exactly the same. Even when I see pregnancy announcements I feel like something bad will happen to my pregnancy and there's will be fine and I think I'll be the same if I knew someone was having their baby before I'd also think there birth will be fine and mine will end bad. I can't help thinking this way either. I get counselling once a week for this since losing Alvie to try and control my thoughts. It's so hard to stay positive though when your worried 😟 I know the worries won't stop once the baby's here but I honestly can't wait until these 7 weeks are over to have her in my arms xxx

This is really TMI
But.....
I have a sore bum and after some inspection I have what seems to be a swollen blood vessel externally not internally which I know is also known as a PILE

It's not causing to much bother YET but when I wipe it's painful.

What's the craic with these (excuse the pun) do they go away? Shall I speak to my midwife? What if it pops when I'm pushing to give birth?!

Joys of pregnancy

@AlviesMam i have hemorrhoids even when not pregnant. Well one. Not fun.
I don't know what happens when you push to deliver a baby but (sorry for tmi) pushing for other stuff can make it bleed..
I am not sure it actually pops but it gets damaged somehow and it looks a crime scene.
Very scary, lots of blood and painful but it stops fairly quickly.

So I'd just be careful not to overdo it when going to the bathroom for now! And get yourself some anusol (most horrible name ever) just in case.

Good luck 👍

@SunnySideUp2020 are they just swollen blood vessels? Mine is external feels like a painful lump and catches when I wipe. Are they serious? I have diagnosed myself should I get checked? X

@AlviesMam not serious if external no. Unless they bleed too much.
Normally yes, it's just a really puffy vein that is almost like a small ball outside.
Depending on your activity or what you eat it gets bigger or smaller. Sometimes mine is completely gone deflated and sometimes out of control and "in the way".

I think i would have it checked though, like i did with mine when it first appeared. Just to make sure it's nothing more serious as normally they shouldn't be painful... unless inflamed.

@AlviesMam I've had them during this pregnancy. Definitely get to the pharmacy for some anosol before they get painful. I was uncomfortable for a week with mine. I've not had them since 20 something weeks. God fingers crossed. I don't think I'm 100% back to normal but not pain or anything.

@MrsB16 of course labour hurts but please do not worry about it. If I can do it so can you! 100% Don't think about the labour part. When you're in it you're on a mission and just take whatever pain relief you need. I promise you will get through it.

Just like the other girls said, I'm so glad you spoke to your midwife about it. It's so hard after a MC to imagine yourself with a healthy baby but there is no reason to believe there's anything wrong. So easy to say but try and relax if you can. Can you get a friend round for a blether to take your mind off things? I hope DS isn't too far away should anything start.

I've just been out to the park with DS followed by a trip to Tesco and I feel like I've done a 20 mile walk. Jeezo my hips!!! I want to just sleep now but almost time to get dinner stetted. My husband is upstairs painting so dinners my job. I'm tempted to get a take away and do something easy for my son 😂.

My husband is working 24 hour shifts next Friday and Sunday so basically pretty much the full weekend. Really not sure how I'll cope with my son for 3 days on my own especially as we have restrictions here in Glasgow where we can't go into anyone else's household! Zzz I'm contemplating asking my parents to come through and take him out for the day or meet somewhere. 😩

www.glamourmagazine.co.uk/article/but-not-maternity-coronavirus-campaign-pregnancy-rules