Is it okay to not want pain in childbirth?

[FluffyKittensinabasket]

Okay so it’s going to hurt, I get that!

But there seems to be a culture that you are meant to be bear the pain as a woman. That giving birth naturally is the best way and one of the books I have suggests that a birthing pool and gas and air may be all you need.

I absolutely think we all have the choice to give birth however we want. But it’s 2020, I don’t want excessive pain! Gas and air won’t take it away, pethidine has side effects and again, doesn’t help that much apparently.

I am thinking about an epidural but I understand this might not be available and has pros and cons.

Will a midwife try and talk me out of having pain relief? My fear is being abandoned in labour, in pain and nobody will care. I’ve read so many posts on Mumsnet and online about this.

My experience (had two kids) is that the pain actually is helpful. I always thought that I would be someone who wanted all of the drugs, but I found early on with DD1 that labour pain is actually productive and allows you to give birth. I didn’t have an epidural with her simply because it was too late when I asked for one, but actually I think now that it was a blessing as I had a quick second stage and my pushing felt productive and I felt very focussed because my body was telling me when to push. As a result I also opted not to have one with DD2s labour and I’m glad. All of my friends who’ve had epidurals talk about a lack of understanding about quite what their body was trying to achieve and how frustrating it was to be told when to push when they were numb and didn’t get what they were doing.

Might be worth having a chat with your midwife and having some clear notes written for a birth plan. My experience was never that I felt abandoned at any point though. Good luck!

I am evangelical about epidurals. They are excellent.

Whether or not your midwife tries to talk you out of it will depend on whether or not they are based out of a hospital with an obstetrics department or not. My midwife tried to get me to have a "natural" birth because they can't offer epidurals in the Midwife-Led Unit, so people who want proper pain relief go to a different hospital, and if the numbers at the MLU go down enough, they'll get shut down.

It is vital that you do what you want. Your midwife doesn't get to decide your birth plan, you do! She can talk about hypnobirthing til she's blue in the face, but if you want an epidural you should have one. You just need to put your foot down. And make sure you get them to check you regularly, so that you don't wait too long.

Basically, the key to a good birth (acts of god nonwithstanding) is knowing what you want and being unashamedly dedicated to making sure you get it. Don't be afraid to throw your weight around.

I think it's great that we have the option and I don't see the issue with wanting to be pain free at all. In my experience midwife's were supportive of my choices of pain relief. I didn't want an epidural but that was mainly due to mobility. when I changed my mind in my 3rd labour it was done quickly. I know my experience isn't representative of all women though.

Oh bless you OP. How far long are you in the pregnancy?

If you want an epidural then write that in your birth plan and make sure everyone knows you want all the pain relief possible. Personally I had pethidine with my first about 3/4 through. I thought I didn’t want it but I was 10 hours in and exhausted and just said yes then fell asleep for an hour or so. It was bliss. I didn’t have an epidural as it wasn’t offered and they did end up putting me on the hideously painful drip at the end which was supposedly necessary but I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. So avoid that if you can.

I honestly didn’t have pain - discomfort (like a shoogly tooth).

Also, i didn't find that my epidural hindered me giving birth at any point, and ive had 3. I was calm, rested, not in pain and in control. I dialled back the drugs so i could feel the pressure of contractions but not the pain, and pushed easily. I felt powerful and excited, not scared or stressed. It was wonderful, the most positive experiences of my life.

It's ok to not want pain but you have to be realistic! Every intervention has it's risks and pros and cons. There comes a point in labour when you can't have an epidural anymore so ask early on if you definitely want one. I was ok on gas and air but the risks of epidural made me anxious and to be honest although it was painful I sort of went into myself mentally and most of it flew by (bit like drunken blackouts!).

To be honest every birth is different. First I had every kind of pain relief and an epidural then ended up with a c section, but it was all needed. Second was gas and air and it was painful but nothing like the first and I didn’t need anything else.

With both though I had to really push for any kind of pain relief so I do agree with you, don’t be scared to put your foot down. I had 1 midwife say “well I never had an epidural so you don’t need one” I did set her straight!
I’m sure not all midwives are like this though!

Oh my goodness, it is absolutely ok!

I totally understand what you mean about there being a culture of ‘natural’ birth being best. But it’s important to remember, you don’t get any prizes for being a martyr! Every single birth is brave and valid, regardless of where it takes place, whether you have pain relief, etc.

Make it clear that you want pain relief in your birth plan. Epidurals aren’t always available depending on the circumstances and speed of your birth, but you won’t be talked out of one if it’s suitable for you. Just be clear from the start that you want pain relief as and when necessary.

They won't try and talk you out of pain relief but you should let them know as soon as you go into labour that you want an epidural.
Yes, they will leave you alone if the ward gets busy and if you need them you'll have to find them or get your birthing partner to find them. Once you go to the labour ward or birthing suite they will keep coming back to check on you, but you may be left alone for periods and yes it will be painful. But it's only a day or two of your life. You can do it.
If you want to avoid labour pain you could ask for an elective caesarian, but obviously there will be pain afterwards.
I've had 3 babies and really recommend NCT birth classes and pregnancy yoga for feeling calm and in control during labour.

I chose hospital not a birthing centre because I wanted the option of drugs if I needed them. I was prepared to ask for the drugs but wanted to wait until it got really painful . As it happened I never got to that stage - I thought I’d have hours ahead of me but after just doing deep breathing for the early contractions , the midwife said she could see the head. I didn’t have time to ask for gas. I agree avoid the pain if you can , but it might not be as bad as you imagined. Be prepared for anything . I felt full of endorphins afterwards too and don’t know if you get those when you get pain drugs- maybe you do?

There is the most bizarre double standard by which people having a colonoscopy (diameter about 3cm) have a general anaesthetic, but people giving birth (baby head diameter 10cm) are meant to make do with a frigging bath. I had an epidural for both mine, and it was awesome.

Just be open to options. People (my partner) will try and talk you into pain relief as well. I sort of enjoyed the pain which I know sounds strange. I was totally high on natural chemicals which I could literally feel rushing through my system after each contraction. It was a fascinating experience and weirdly addictive. I wasn't afraid of the pain and a book that helped was Jojo Sundin (SP?) Birth Skills.

I don't by any means think anyone should aim to be drug free. I have first hand seen a back to back labour and an induction where I think pain relief was a god send. Just that it's worth being open to the possibility if you feel the pain is manageable.

It's absolutely ok to want pain relief. I had a natural birth because I wanted to use the birth centre and there's less chance of intervention. DS got stuck and it was a horrible birth, but natural. I would have given anything for an epidural.

I'll be taking the pain relief next time.

And you can bet if men gave birth that there would be no guilt about pain relief.

You don't get a medal for giving birth without pain relief (a midwife said that on that BBC programme not so long ago).

And it's true it doesn't matter how you give birth you have to do what is right for you and listen to you body.

I didn't want an epidural as I wanted to use the birth centre and the birthing pool.

I hated the gas and air as it made me feel sick so stopped but I found the birthing pool really took the pressure off my back.

Do what is right for you!

Not to throw out a negative experience but just the truth - I had an epidural with my first and it didn't work properly - it only worked on one side.

My friend had 2 and neither worked on her, at all.

I didn't bother with my second, paracetamol plus gas & air. Despite the pain, I felt more in control. I also didn't end up with an instrument birth as I did with DC1. In hindsight, I believe that the epidural made me not realise when was the right time to push etc, I was pushing when I was told to and could've probably avoided instruments had I been able to feel everything

Thank you for all the comments!

The comments about the USA are interesting. Child birth seems a lot more medicalised (if you can afford it I guess ) and apparently 71% of mothers have epidurals and a third of babies are born via caesarian.

When I had a colonoscopy and endoscopy, I was sedated and recall very little of it. I had a general anaesthetic for wisdom tooth removal! My dad had a hernia operation, general anaesthetic, overnight stay and loads of pain killers.

It seems in some cases, a woman has a Caesarian and is then discharged 24 hours later with paracetamol for the pain yet at the same time we are told it’s major surgery and shouldn’t be undertaken lightly. It simply doesn’t make sense.

I had gas and air and pethidine. I wish I'd had an epidural. The gas and air was ok until things really ramped up. The pethidine made me feel totally out of it but I was still in pain. Plus it wore off. I was in a lot of pain by the end and I still didn't know when to push (had no urge to push at all). Ended up pushing for 3 hours and was fucking exhausted and it bloody hurt!!! I wish wish wish I'd had the epidural. As it was, I mainly look back on that experience with horror. There was nothing enjoyable about being in that much pain and it was totally unnecessary. Incidentally, I did have a c section for my second birth and it was nowhere near as painful. The doctor even said to me the next day "keep on top of your pain relief! Many women don't realise how much more painful a c section is!" I laughed and informed him that it was nowhere even remotely near the pain of "natural" delivery.

Yes it's completely ok. Upon being admitted to a labour ward I immediately asked for an epidural. There's so much guilt and emotion attached to pregnancy, childbirth and being a mother and the sooner you can let go of other people's opinions and expectations and just focus on yourself and your baby, the better your mental and physical health will be.

And by the way the epidural was fantastic (had to wait ages for the anaesthetist and had a quick labour so I had to do up to 8cm naturally) as soon as I had it in I was relaxed, happy, pain free and had a very positive birth experience.

Gas and air is great. It really helps to take your mind from the pain to focus.
I think I would have been terrified if I was numb from the waist down and totally reliant on others.

Give birth in a hospital and take advantage of all the pain relief going. (Sod the birthing pool - do not understand how a warm bath is going to help with that level of pain)

Gas and air did nothing for me, funnily enough neither did the paracetamol that the midwife suggested. Pethidine (which I did not want but was crying with the pain at this point) made me hallucinate but did take away the pain. Also the dosage was fine and the baby was not effected.

The epidural I had with the first child was amazing but I did give myself second degree bilateral tearing as I couldn't feel what I was doing so when I was told to imagine when pushing that I was unblocking a U-bend I guess I went a it too far!

Second child, the pethidine had worn off so was acutely aware of the pain of the pushing stage that I only ended up with a slight graze but it was pretty awful at the time but no healing time needed.

This was over ten years ago so epidurals may have come on a bit.

Both of my labours were over 25 hours so there was plenty of time to arrange adequate pain relief but especially in the case of baby 2 I felt that my pain was ignored and minimised.

REALLY push for whichever pain relief you want.

seriously, I tried to give birth naturally. Fuck that shit. Whoever tries to push that crap on women is a sadist.