Is it okay to not want pain in childbirth?

[FluffyKittensinabasket]

Okay so it’s going to hurt, I get that!

But there seems to be a culture that you are meant to be bear the pain as a woman. That giving birth naturally is the best way and one of the books I have suggests that a birthing pool and gas and air may be all you need.

I absolutely think we all have the choice to give birth however we want. But it’s 2020, I don’t want excessive pain! Gas and air won’t take it away, pethidine has side effects and again, doesn’t help that much apparently.

I am thinking about an epidural but I understand this might not be available and has pros and cons.

Will a midwife try and talk me out of having pain relief? My fear is being abandoned in labour, in pain and nobody will care. I’ve read so many posts on Mumsnet and online about this.

I laboured for about 20 hours before they decided to speed me up with a drip. Midwife tried to talk me out of an epidural as "you're coping really well". Hahaha NO. I refused the drip until the epidural went in, the doctor was fully on board with that. Sweet blissful relief. I had a low dose one so I was able to stay mobile, use the loo etc.

The culture of childbirth pain varies by place and time. When I had my four it was one of get the epidural and you’re an insane Earth Goddess Crystal Worshipping hippie if you decide you prefer no pain relief in childbirth.

The reality is that it’s completely up to you how much pain relief you want. You need to worry less about what other people think. I will say, just keep an open mind about it and know your pain relief options and how to request them if/when you do want them. I’ve had both very very painful births and easy, less pain than period cramps births. So often whatever you think you will need ends up not being the case when labour happens.

All the midwives I had across my four labours were very supportive about pain relief, some maybe a bit too much for me since I'm at a significantly higher risk of complications from an epidural because of a medical condition so it's an unhelpful recommendation for me. I was put under general anesthetic for a manual placental removal and put on the high dependency ward afterwards, and I agree a lot of care about C-sections makes little sense when I compare it to that.

Out of the options I tried (including pethidine with my first), my favourite was heat packs, it particularly worked well when I ended up in the same positions for the first stage - on all fours with my head pressed against something when not laying on my side - to have it pressed against my back and/or pubic bone.

I think it's perfectly okay to want as little pain as possible; however, much like those that idealize an all-natural birth, I think it's important that most women get through okay, but pregnancy and birth are still risky in 2020 and much is out of our control even when we think we've made all the right choices for what we want. I mean, they left me alone most frequently with my second home birth, which many people think will get them attentive, personalized care. I learned from that that it's not the place or the plan, it's professionals that support you which the pair I got were very clear from the start they did not, but I did not know at the time what to do about that.

I was set on an epidural but my labour progressed too quickly for it. No-one tried to pressure me out of it though.
I had gas and air and 1 shot Pethidine and it was actually not as bad as I feared. It is a very different sort of pain to injury or illness (and I have a lot of experience of that) so I think you just have to see how it goes and be well informed so you make good choices (where a choice exists).
If I was to give birth again an epidural would still be on the table but having done it once without I’d also be more relaxed about seeing what happens.

I wanted to avoid an epidural but I did have one in the end. The problem I found is that I was immobilised and when the feeling came back I realised I had quite a lot of trauma in my tailbone and perineal areas from the forceps and episiotomy. Also with an epidural you need to have a catheter many hours after feeling returns as epidurals can affect your ability to pass urine. Mine kept coming apart and leaking urine everywhere, I was bleeding as you do post birth, I couldn't sit on my wounded region so I couldn't pick my baby up without help (just had to listen to him cry while I was on the verge of tears myself feeling helpless) and I had a particular midwife telling me off for making a mess of the bed (like I could help it). She's the same one who I had to walk around looking for repeatedly to ask for pain meds past when they were due (for 3 days). She's another matter but just thought I'd share that epidurals can feel great During the birth but indirectly lead to more pain or discomfort After the birth. I'm pregnant again. Next time despite the mixed reviews I hear I'm gonna try pethidine or diamorphine depending on my local hospitals protocol and I expect baby two to come faster and without need for interventions (fingers crossed!).

It's about balancing the pros and cons. Epidurals are brilliant - they really are but you are more likely to need an episiotomy and forceps. I had an epidural and I really struggled with the pushing. I just couldn't feel anything and my pushing stage was really long. I was being threatened with the forceps just as I finally got him out. No regrets ( I had a four day labour ) and I really appreciated the epidural for some rest but forceps are my worst fear. I'm not sure I'd have an epidural again ( I'm 30 weeks). I found being in water and gas and air was ok.

Some people have a local anaesthetic to have a small filling that takes a few minutes. Of course it’s okay to have pain relief for childbirth.

@FluffyKittensinabasket
It's kind of trial and error with pain relief. You have to find something that works for you. I hate gas and air, it makes me feel sick.
I had an epidural with my first baby but they put it in wonky so I had to lie on my side so it'd drip down to the side they missed (wtf). Because of the epidural they had to put a catheter in as I couldn't pee and they must have put that in wrong too because that the worst pain after birth for weeks.
My first birth in hospital was a little traumatic and I felt totally unsupported by the midwives re pain. I was told when I first arrived and had a painful contraction that 'you know these are only mild contractions don't you' they basically treated me like a child so when I had my next baby 3.5yrs later I refused to go to hospital and gave birth at home with no pain relief at all and it was a 100 times better birth and I felt very supported.
I remember being terrified in my first pregnancy because you know this baby has to come out and no option seems 'ok' at all.

It's totally up to you how much pain relief you'd like to take, within reason that there may not be time/availability for epidurals. They also might appear to be trying to talk you out of it when they tell you the risks, which they have to do and they need to be pretty sure you understand/accept those risks. I was adamant I didn't want an epidural but in the transition part of labour I would have had them knock me out with a frying pan if they offered because I was panicking and sure I couldn't do it, but once that bit passed I would have refused again.

My friend told everyone she was denied an epidural - but she had booked with an MLU in full knowledge they couldn't do that and a transfer to delivery suite where they could may not be possible. The midwife did tell her she was doing really well and could do it without but probably because she knew there was no chance of getting her the epidural so she needed to encourage her somehow.

Of course it's OK to want as much pain relief as you can get.

I went into labour with DC1 feeling absolutely evangelical about natural birth and not wanting any pain relief. Fifteen hours later I was begging for an epidural as it had gone on so long I simply couldn't take any more. It was wonderful, I was totally pain free once it was in.

With DC2 I kept an open mind, but this time didn't need an epidural. Gas & air was enough. Same with DC3, this time I knew I'd cope with just gas & air so had a home birth where an epidural definitely wouldn't be available. Those two births were not particularly painful at all.

Have whatever pain relief you want but unless you require a caesarean then childbirth is not comparable to an operation like an endoscopy.
YOU will birth the baby, not a doctor or midwife. YOU. It’s an active thing you will do not something that happens to you.
The problem with pain relief is that many of the options reduce the ability you have to stay active and do the birthing because some of the feelings are useful (contractions hurt but they are helping your body push the baby down the birth canal).

My approach was to keep the options open for moving about, standing, walking and using the pool. That meant trying to avoid epidural, catheter and cannula.
However if there had been complications or if I’d needed a drip for induction then water and full mobility isn’t possible so I’d have asked for an epidural too.

The whole point of hypnobirthing is that you realise it's not actually pain. It is massively psychological. It can make it feel intense and strange but not painful.
By all means go for epidural! But I find the side effects of that including use of forceps more painful afterwards.

I had two very different labours, and totally different experience from allthewhores.

My first I ended up having an epidural on the doctor's advice. It was a long labour, I was exhausted. The epidural meant I had a good nap and was entirely pain-free. I have only positive memories of that birth (post-epidural!). I was calm and in control for the pushing. People talk about not wanting to be numb but I don't recall feeling numb at all...I could still feel them spraying me etc to check the epidural just not the pain of the cold. I think I could still move my legs?

Second birth I asked for an epidural, and pethidine while I waited for the epidural. But alas...it was not to be. Delivered on gas and air, it was fucking awful, I was in so much pain I couldn't push properly. Genuinely took a few months for me to even be able to think about the birth without bursting in to tears. Obviously I'm glad DS was born safely but that's the only good thing I can say about that experience, and I'm sad and angry that it had to be that way because no one would listen to me earlier on in my induction.

For me, gas and air is shit. Just makes me dizzy and sick, and makes me talk absolute rubbish that I'm aware of but can't stop (although I'm sure the midwives loved hearing all about DH's prostate exam). Pethidine was good but made me super sleepy - I was very grateful for that but not quite sure how I'd have managed pushing if it hadn't worn off by that point.

A pool and gas and air might be sufficient for you. Plenty of people do it on less, so I can only conclude that everyone's experience of pain in labour is extremely different. But if they're not enough then of course you should ask for more. The attitude towards pain relief in labour is so shit, and even where people are pro pain relief there's still commonly an attitude of coping for as long as you possibly can with the pain before stepping up to the next level of pain relief, rather than keeping the pain to a manageable level throughout. There are no prizes for mums who go without, only sections for those who end up too exhausted to push.

It is absolutely fine but as someone else said, there are pros and cons to every option. As a HCP, my opinion before becoming pregnant was similar to yours - drugs exist for a reason so why go through the pain if it can be avoided. However, during pregnancy, I learnt more about the reasons against epidurals and c-sections. When I did antenatal classes, it reinforced my hope to try and give birth without needing them both but I still had a completely open mind and was willing to take intervention if I felt I couldn't cope.

Do your research from now so you can make an informed decision based on how important the positives and negatives of each option are to you

Oh I meant to add, in my experience the community midwives will tend to discourage you from using anything other than paracetamol, but once you're on the labour ward there's no resistance to giving pain relief.

Epidural with all 3 of mine. No regrets at all!

You do what you have to do to make your baby’s delivery as comfortable as possible.

@SelkieQualia

There is the most bizarre double standard by which people having a colonoscopy (diameter about 3cm) have a general anaesthetic, but people giving birth (baby head diameter 10cm) are meant to make do with a frigging bath. I had an epidural for both mine, and it was awesome.

All of this!!! And also as @nattiee says, you dont get a medal for giving birth without it.

I pushed for 2 hours before I was taken to theatre for forceps, getting the spinal block was heaven after all that pain. if I have another I will be getting an epidural much earlier!

I think it's worth keeping your options open when it comes to pain relief! Some women can push a baby out in a sneeze and not feel anything whereas others feel nothing but pain!
With my first my body was naturally pushing at 6cm to the point I was told to get an epidural to get my body to relax and I must admit it was the best thing ever!! Although you do have to be wary there can be some long term side effects.
In my opinion, whatever you need to do to be as comfortable as possible while a human is exiting from you then you do it!

Just to add to the above sentiment: gas and air was awful for me. I just felt lightheaded and weak. My epidurals were incredibly well managed and not once was I discouraged from relying on one. I delivered at Kingston twice and once at Queen Charlotte’s. Totally impressed with how well my pain was managed.

As a midwife I would say that it is entirely your choice re pain relief. And you should not be judged whatever you choose to do. Make sure you know the pros and cons of all the options. Most of all make sure you get your wishes documented in your maternity notes. Make it very plain on your birth plan what you want. Get that plan securely attached to your notes so it doesn't go missing. If possible speak to a senior midwife well before labour to get it all documented.
Very best wishes for your pregnancy and your labour.
Midwife

If I didn't have a needle phobia stronger than my pain threshold, id have been drugged to the hills.
I sucked that much gas they took it off me for a while after I almost made myself pass out, i knew exactly what I was doing at the time but it was all I could have for relief so I sucked the life out of it lol

If you can and you want it, take any pain relief you can get lol

@Wearywithteens

Most of unpleasant experiences with epidurals are women who thought they wanted to do it the ‘natural’ way and had the epidural late on in the labour when there were complications or the pain got too much. That’s why it’s better to have one early on.

That's not true. Epidural is cumulative so the longer it is in the greater the effects so less mobility and sensation. Unless you opt for it to be turned down which can work for some women but some find it too much of a shock when sensation returns.

@HJ372

Gas and air is great. It really helps to take your mind from the pain to focus. I think I would have been terrified if I was numb from the waist down and totally reliant on others.

For some people. Others, like me, feel really high and vomit all over their husbands.

Also, modern epidurals don't numb you, you can still move and feel pressure, just not pain.

I didn't want to feel pain so had an epidural with both of my births. They were fantastic and relaxed. I had no problem pushing both out in less than 10mins, no stitches needed, no complications at all. Recovery after birth was great, up and about the next morning(both of mine were born late at night/early morning).
I tried gas and Air whilst waiting for the epidural on my second and hated the out of control feeling it gave me. With the epidural I was able to be calm and rational throughout the whole birth.
No regrets at all about the way I chose to give birth.