Abortion

[Undecided2021]

I just found out I was pregnant this weekend, meaning I will be due April 2021.
I am 27, unmarried but in a long-term stable relationship (5 years) we live together and we make jointly 120k a year but we do not own our own home. We want kids but we didnt expect it this soon - we had been using condoms (i came off birth control in december because migraines), we were happy but scared and also it felt a little 'this cant be real life' - I told my mum and she is NOT ok, she has been crying and screaming down the phone to me the past few days and telling me shes had sleepless nights - I'll summarise her issues with it

1. I'm too young
2. I've only been in my current job a year
3. My partner and I have only lived together a year
4. My life would be over (i love to travel etc)
5. I dont live anywhere near her for her to help me
6. We don't own our own home
7. I cant drive

And just variants of the same points made above - she wants me to have an abortion and based on how horrific she has made the whole ordeal sound - I have booked my first appointment for thursday but i need some other opinions, im too scared to tell any of my friends right now.
I hate reading on women who struggle to conceive and to know that this happened relatively easily but i am ready to get rid of it because of how my mum feels and (i wont lie) im scared to lose the life I currently have, but i could have this exact same life when I'm 30 and still be scared to lose it then - which she protests i wont feel like that in a few years...just 27 is too young despite the fact I have achivied and done more in my life and am more financially stable than she was or ever will be.
For background - my mum was 35 when she had me, i am an only child.

any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

You've said that your mum wants you to have an abortion... but do you want one? It's not your mums baby it's yours and it's not her decision to make

This is your decision, not your mums. In my opinion you sound like you are in a better place then some people when they find out they are pregnant. Just because your mum was 35 doesn't mean you have to be. There will always be reasons to delay having a child - you want to travel more, you want to buy a house etc and you need to decide what is more important to you right now. What was your partners reaction to your mum? My partner would be horrified if that was my mums reaction. If possible, think about it without her opinion and make your decision based on that. Discuss it with your partner. Whatever decision you choose your mum should support you.

I'm so on the fence. If her reaction had been positive, I would say yes. Family support means a lot and we are currently living in Ireland with no support network to speak of.
The reason I'm on the fence is because of how much she's drove home the point that my life would be ruined, its got me second guessing everything - do i want a baby? maybe, do i want my life to be ruined? absolutely not.
I am so confused about the whole thing

@Peach1204 He was sad, he said his mum would be happy for us. But again, explaining about losing our current lifestyle he sorta agreed and was right back on the fence with me.

@Undecided2021

I'm so on the fence. If her reaction had been positive, I would say yes. Family support means a lot and we are currently living in Ireland with no support network to speak of. The reason I'm on the fence is because of how much she's drove home the point that my life would be ruined, its got me second guessing everything - do i want a baby? maybe, do i want my life to be ruined? absolutely not. I am so confused about the whole thing

@beaniebaby3 sorry forgot to tag you

I travel loads with my son, and plan on carrying it on with baby #2.
Your life isn’t over, it’s just getting exciting.
It’s a very selfish response from your mum. She has planted a lot of negatives into your head that you don’t need.
Also you can move house with a baby. Life doesn’t stop, it’s just different x

Personally I think your mum is overreacting a fair bit. I get it if you were 17 and on your own, but to all intents and purposes you're in a stable relationship, have a stable job and you're 27 years old. Many women have babies at your age.

Most importantly - what do you and your partner want, because in all honesty, this has nothing to do with your mum. Yes she will become a grandmother but the raising of this child will be for you and OH. Do you both want this baby now, or do you no feel ready to be parents?

Have you looked at the maths in terms of can you afford the baby now. What's your works maternity leave policy, what will you do for childcare when you return to work, how much will this cost. Do you have any savings. Think practically for a little bit before the emotions run away with you.

to respond directly to your mums concers:

1. I'm too young - actually you're a grown woman.
2. I've only been in my current job a year - great so you will be entitled to SMP/maternity leave
3. My partner and I have only lived together a year - but together for 5, its hardly a one night stand
4. My life would be over (i love to travel etc) - rubbish. your life changes, you find a new normal (and they can travel too!)
5. I dont live anywhere near her for her to help me - do you have other relatives or friends nearby? you will create a support network on maternity leave and meet other mums.
6. We don't own our own home - neither to a shed load of people
7. I cant drive- do you need to? how would you fair getting to nursery/work etc without driving? Driving, if you can afford a car, could make life simpler for you. But its not a reason to have a termination.

You need to focus on you and OH. Your mum can't tell you what to do.

Obviously it's ultimately up to you, but many of these 'reasons' just seem...trivial. People learn to drive in their 30s+, couples might not live together until marriage then have kids soon after, parents cope without help from family even if they're nearby... For what it's worth, none of the couples I know in Dublin who've had kids in the past 3ish years own their own homes, and several people I know in their late 20s+ there are only learning to drive now.

That's an extreme way for her to describe it and I think she has said it that way to make a bigger impact on your decision. I'm currently pregnant, have I done everything I wanted too before children? No. If I had I would never get to a point of having a child as we like big holidays and there are still more I would like to do. Do I feel like I've ruined my life for not doing those things first? No. To me it feels like having a child will bring other opportunities and we can and will still do holidays but on a more toned down level and we will still enjoy making memories with our child. That's how I feel about our situation which I understand may be different to how you feel, I don't want you to think I'm preaching. I think you need more then the opinion of your mum who's at the other end to me but people need to respect the decision that you make.

Seriously?

27 is not too young.

Don’t let your mum tell you how to live your life. It’s YOUR life. You choose

I got called a fucking idiot by my Nan when I was pregnant with my second (I had had a rough 1st pregnancy).

I didn’t care. It was my choice. My body. My baby.

He’s 5 now

Honestly.
It's not your mums decision and you need to forget her inappropriate reaction. (That's putting it nicely.)
Talk to your partner, pros and cons. Work out what you could do to mitigate some of the cons. And overall go with how you feel.
27 isn't young to have a baby, 35 is t old to have a baby.
Careers can always wait - those who have kids young then find their careers take off when those that have kids later are taking a break.
And that's ok, it equals out.
Go with your gut and know that you are strong enough and capable enough to follow whichever path you choose. Youve got this love.

Honestly? I would be telling your mum to back the fuck off.

Do not have an abortion because she wants you to, you’re a grown woman with a partner. You’re 27 FFS!

Sit down with your partner and discuss what you are going to do together without your mum getting involved as it’s nothing to do with her. What do you want to do? As that’s the only thing that matters. Do a pros and cons list of your own.

The screaming and crying down the phone is manipulative and I would be telling her that unless she can be helpful then I wouldn’t be talking to her.

Your life isn’t over when you have a baby it just changes. Is she saying her life was over when she had you? You can learn to drive, but do you need to? You can still travel. I didn’t own my home when I had my first, we rented.

Legally not being married can make you financially vulnerable if you are planning to be a sahm, but there is lots online about that.

If you want to terminate do not do it for someone else as you’ll regret it.

Your decision not hers! She should support either way!

I got pregnant at 26 in almost exactly your situation - the only difference being our household income was less than half yours! We had the baby and it all worked out fine

The financial position of cohabitants who split up is also a bit different in Ireland - see Citizens Information - so while you would be more automatically secure if married, the situation is more likely to be favourable to you if you did split after having a baby than if you were in eg England.

Thanks everyone - I appreciate your advice.

It's very hard to not be blinded by my mum's advice, after all she will just want the best for me and we have had a traumatic year regarding family deaths etc - its essentially just us now in my family. I wish I was strong enough to not feel completely swayed by her and slone if i dont have her support, as i said my first appointment is thursday and then i will receive the first pill on Monday so I have time to really sit down with my partner and discuss it all.
I'm really sad that im in this position, I always wanted finding out I'm being pregnant to be happy and exciting. :(

Your mum sounds like a bit of a dick!

Think about what you want, you sound like you're more than in a comfortable position to have a baby - I'd be cutting ties with my mum if she reacted like that!

Have you told your mum how she's making you feel? I'd have a conversation with her and explain that you were actually happy about the news (as you said in your original post) until she had her say. It would be more understandable if you were a teenager living at home with her support for example, but her reaction given your (actually pretty secure & favourable) circumstances is rather bizarre. I do feel for you :(

But you don’t have to terminate because your mum says so. You can be happy about your pregnancy. You’re more likely to harbour resentment because you feel forced into it.

And after so much bad news isn’t a lovely baby something to look forward to?

@Enderman you'd maybe think so but 'lovely'+baby is not a phrase i think ive ever heard her use lol. She's opinionated and especially so when it comes to people having kids, I think my fear exists because ive been conditioned that it is purely negative event. who knows, maybe she regrets having me and the things in her life she lost - she did almost die in labour and could have no kids after me so theres probably an internal fear there that being projected in this way.

@bm2021 I tried to and thats when the crying started. I tried playing devils advocate and counteracting her claims like @Stealthmama did - i asked, what happens if my anxiety is still bad and i never learn to drive, do i not deserve to ever have a child? what happens if i never buy a house, do i not deserve to have a child? She just cried more, told me to stop , these things will happen and now is the wrong time for me, that i have a lot more life to lead

This baby will not be needing your mum or her judgements either.

Let me tell you a bit about my circumstances - some were similar to what you are in right now, it might give you some comfort.

I had been with my partner for 7 months when I found out I was pregnant.

We'd just begun to rent a flat together so no owned home.

I was 28.

I'd only been in my job for 6 months and earned about £800 for a part time job.

My mum lived 90 minutes away.

I had no car of my own.

Heres what happened:

We moved into a rented house and eventually owned our own home when our son was about 9 months.

People came to us when invited and it was no trouble for them.

28 was just the right age for me.

I got my maternity pay and even if I hadn't I would have still been able to get some help from the government.

Partner and I have now been together 4 years.

It was hard on some days but even on those hard days it was such an amazing experience to be a parent. The love you get is just phenomenal. It trumps every single thing you listed right there.

It sounds to me like you are looking for confirmation from us that your mum is right or wrong. It sounds to me like you'd like to keep this baby. Listen to your heart.

I personally haven't been travelling but we could do if we wanted. Get the kids some passports and travel as a family. We've been on little holidays together and they've been wonderful.

Things do change but not necessarily for the worse as your mum has made it sound. My sister reacted the way your mum did... she came round 😂😂

Also, we've just had baby no.2 now so clearly there is something very enjoyable about being a mummy.

Her reaction is extraordinarily inappropriate and I really don't think you should talk to her about the topic at all anymore until you've had lots of time to process and think about what you want to do.

Your mum sounds unhinged. Sounds to me like you're in a great position to have a baby. 27 is a great age, especially if you've been with your partner for 5 years. I wish I'd cracked on and had kids at 27. Your employment sounds stable and you have a decent income. You'll have about 7 months in which you could learn to drive and buy a house if you wanted to.
I can't see any external factors that would make having a baby a bad thing. Only question is do you want it? It's not your mum's life, and her reaction sounds very unloving and borderline hysterical to me. Does she have mental health issues? You sound very solid by comparison. I'd disregard your mum's view and just listen quietly to what you want for your life. Best of luck OP x

The relationship with your mother is very unhealthy. She is being completely inappropriate getting involved this way in your life.