Abortion

[Undecided2021]

I just found out I was pregnant this weekend, meaning I will be due April 2021.
I am 27, unmarried but in a long-term stable relationship (5 years) we live together and we make jointly 120k a year but we do not own our own home. We want kids but we didnt expect it this soon - we had been using condoms (i came off birth control in december because migraines), we were happy but scared and also it felt a little 'this cant be real life' - I told my mum and she is NOT ok, she has been crying and screaming down the phone to me the past few days and telling me shes had sleepless nights - I'll summarise her issues with it

1. I'm too young
2. I've only been in my current job a year
3. My partner and I have only lived together a year
4. My life would be over (i love to travel etc)
5. I dont live anywhere near her for her to help me
6. We don't own our own home
7. I cant drive

And just variants of the same points made above - she wants me to have an abortion and based on how horrific she has made the whole ordeal sound - I have booked my first appointment for thursday but i need some other opinions, im too scared to tell any of my friends right now.
I hate reading on women who struggle to conceive and to know that this happened relatively easily but i am ready to get rid of it because of how my mum feels and (i wont lie) im scared to lose the life I currently have, but i could have this exact same life when I'm 30 and still be scared to lose it then - which she protests i wont feel like that in a few years...just 27 is too young despite the fact I have achivied and done more in my life and am more financially stable than she was or ever will be.
For background - my mum was 35 when she had me, i am an only child.

any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

Hi OP,

As it's a surprise pregnancy, I can imagine a lot's going on in your head and you don't know what to do. Believe me, I was in the same position a couple of months ago. It's scary! Take some time to think about the future. What do you want, ultimately?

I have a few comments regarding the list of cons, if you need some perspective.

1. I'm too young - You're 27 and seem like a level-headed person.
2. I've only been in my current job a year - That's okay. Some of my colleagues were at my job less than a year and were fine. You can claim maternity via your employer too, which is great! My job only offers statutory maternity leave and we will struggle.
3. My partner and I have only lived together a year - But you have been together for 5. I know the dynamic of a relationship does tend to change when you move in together though. Ask yourself, are you happy living together? If so, that's great.
4. My life would be over (i love to travel etc) - I also love to travel and go to gigs. It's a hard change to accept, but it doesn't mean I can't do those things a little later. My husband has already said he's more than happy for me to go to gigs and he can look after our LO.
5. I dont live anywhere near her for her to help me - My MIL is over an hour away and my mum (who I'm not close to and doesn't seem interested in the baby) is about three hours away. If your mum cares, she will be there. Whether by phone or in the flesh. Does your husband have family nearby? How about friends?
6. We don't own our own home - Neither do we. I only know one couple with a kid who do, the rest of my friends rent. It's fairly normal these days.
7. I cant drive - Neither I or my husband drive. My husband is hoping to learn before the baby comes, but it will take a toll money-wise. Your point implies that your partner can though, which is great.

You say you and your partner earn 120k. That's a lot of money, to the point where you could perhaps save for a deposit on a house in a year or two. I and my husband earn 37k in total, but we're going to make it work. It'll be hard and we won't be getting any financial support from family. I doubt we'll ever own a house, unless we get better jobs, which we're determined to.

At the end of the day, your mum is not having the baby, you are. Forget her comments. She seems to have unhealthy expectations of you, which you do not need, now or ever.

You should absolutely have a termination if you feel it is the right choice for you. You should absolutely not have one because your mother says that you should. She has behaved very badly indeed.

Is she used to exerting a significant amount of control over your life?

i think you will really regret having an abortion because of your mothers opinion on it and will end up really resenting her. the fact that if her reaction had been more positive you would have 100% gone through with your pregnancy really makes me think you want this baby and will really regret not having it. your mum is just in shock, she will come round once she gets used to the idea. this is not something to rush into, you have to be 150% sure if not then best to wait until you are. your mother does not get to make this decision for you and she also doesn't have to live with the decision afterwards and in my opinion any decision made based on someone elses opinion you will always regret.

Hello Op

Go with your gut
It's so important to do that.
You will never go wrong if you follow your gut.
Put your mums feelings aside, it's your body your life your decision.

What ever you decide I wish you all the best.
Your decision will be the right one.

I’m sorry but I don’t think your mother should hold as much sway as you are allowing her on this decision. She doesn’t even live near you!!! I can’t see what it’s got to do with her aside from your emotional ties.

Did she hope in the future you’d buy a house near her and she’d be able to help when you had a child? Do you think she’s upset because you’re not married? Are you partners family anywhere near by and could help with childcare?

My reaction is to say do what ever you want to do based on you and your partners decision alone. If you want to have the baby have the baby. You sound like you’d do a fantastic job raising it together. If you really dont want the child then don’t continue the pregnancy. But please forget your mother’s opinion while you make your own.

I’ve taken my son to NYC (on my own), as a family been to South Africa, a holiday around the Scottish Islands, lots of foreign ski holidays, weddings in France and Croatia. You definitely can still travel with a little one xx

Hi OP,

really sorry that your mum responded in that way. I'm 26 and expecting my first baby and my mum reacted in a very odd/bad way too and since then it's just been quite awkward. It made me feel horrible and freaked out for a while because she's my mum but the more I thought about it the more I realised that it wasn't anything to do with me and was more about her and her own feelings and her not expecting such news and she reacted like a child. I had a long chat with my sister about it and she said to me 'don't let mum and her madness make you feel like you're the nutter, what you're doing is perfecting normal don't make her feel like you've done something wrong', I know that it's hard when its your own mum but she'll come around I promise, the older I've got the more I've realised that my mum is like a hung up little girl (depressing but true). I'm due in 4 weeks time and I'm not entirely sure what the nature of mine and my mum's relationship will be like (I've had a very turbulent relationship with her for a long time now) but all I do know is that when my daughter grows up there's no way I will behave in the way that she did when she found out I was pregnant.

Me and my partner (now husband) own our own home together but don't have as big an income as you and your partner have, besides, with what you two are making a year you could very easily get yourself on the property ladder especially with the huge reduction in stamp duty at the moment!

if you and your partner were happy (and yes also scared) when you found out you were expecting then I think that speaks for itself.

2 years ago I had an abortion and I was on the fence (leaning more towards there's no way I can have this baby) about it with the partner I'm still with now (We've been together for about 5 years). I'm going to be brutally honest with you because this is an aspect of the whole abortion debate which really doesn't garner much attention. I was never against abortion, and I'm still not in certain situations but I hate that women who are at a perfect age to be having babies are deciding to abort because people and society make them feel like they are ruining their lives because they're not waiting till they're in their mid-30s. if you're in a comfortable financial situation, which by all intents and purposes, you are, then go for it! having an abortion was devastating, graphic and very traumatising for me I'm still not over it, don't think I ever will be. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had had an abortion when me and my partner were both happy/excited, like you two are.

did my abortion make my life any better? no. yes I got to go on my holidays and carry on working in advertising, but my baby could've easily come on my holiday and I spent that whole holiday watching pregnant mum's and couple's with their little babies splashing in the sea and it tore me apart. And advertising is miserable and I quite soon after that. After a long day I would think about when I'm on my death bed and looking back on my life and imagine how deeply depressed I would feel about the things I prioritised. You're already in your late twenties, you've been at your current job long enough whereby you'll be put on maternity leave. there's nothing cosier or more lovely than having a family and I think often women are being confronted with this truth when its too late these days. Pregnancy is special and unique and despite the fact that I am pregnant again there's still a bitter taste in my mouth, when I go to scans, I think about what my first one would've been like and knowing that I'll never get to meet them and it's a really horrible feeling. if I could go back in time, my god I would. that's the one thing in my whole life that I will carry with me till the day I die. I wish someone could've just given me the confidence that I needed at the time because I've spent a lot of time living in the shadows of what I've done and its been very tough. sure, some women can have abortions and never think about it again, but if you're a thoughtful and sensitive person (especially if its a pregnancy that a large part of you wants to continue with) its very hard to get over, in fact I don't think one ever does.

I've realised that I've gone on and on about this so I'm sorry but by the sounds of it you should have your baby. There's no way you'll regret it, sounds to me like you'd make a wonderful mum. feel free to message me if you'd like xxxxxx

Why are you allowing your mother’s opinion to be more important than your own or your partners? This conversation is between you and him, with the ultimate decision being yours. Your mother has way overstepped the mark. I wish you the best of luck with your decision but either way you need to consider whether your relationship with your mother is entirely healthy.

I'm sorry but what?

This is yours and your partners baby not your mums...

As for everything else your life won't be ruined, you can still travel you'll just have baby to take with you too.

I had my first at 24 so you're definitely not too young.

We still travel, with 2 kids and are planning our next adventure when our third is here next year, so I'm sure you'd manage travelling with one baby.

I don't own my own home and I don't drive either. But none of that is the point. The point is if you feel like you want baby then keep it regardless of what others say. It's a scary time of course, this will be my third and I'm crapping myself. But if you truly want baby then you can do this. Either way the choice is yours and your partners but don't rush into it and regret it. Think about it, ask your partner how he truly feels.

I was 27 when I had my little boy (now 18months Old)
I was doing a job I loved but I had only been there 7 months before I went on Mat leave. So I was only entitled to maternity allowance.
The fact you've been at your job a year already, I should have thought you will be entitled to mat pay from work (depending on their rules on it)
My partner and I have been together 8 years however have an unstable home due to his work, we live in tied accommodation so if he lost his job we lose our home. We don't own our own property.
Together we don't earn half of what you and your partner do over a year!
Your life wouldn't be over, it's just different, I don't travel but I know people who do and they just take their little boy with them who is a similar age to my boy and they love it to share the experiences with their son.
I live 3 1/2 hours drive from any of my family so my only support network is my couple of friends and I mean like 2! And my partner.
I am now 28 and am due twins in December when I will be 29.

If you can provide a loving home and safety for your little one nothing else really matters at this point!

Not to mention it is absolutely not your mums decision! I had a termination when I was 19, I can honestly say it took until having my little boy to 'get over it' if you like I thought about that baby every day, I still do often think gosh I wonder what they would have been like etc.
Assuming you are not very far gone you have some time to think about it. Talk talk talk it through with your partner..
Don't forget yes you are only 27 at the moment but as you get older and into you mid 30s your fertility declines.. is your mum upset because she can't get her head around her baby having a baby?
Sending hugs it's not an easy decision so definitely please don't take it lightly but also don't get a termination because your mum wants you to! x

Hi @Undecided2021, I'm so sorry you're going through this right now.

First of all, as many people have said, this is your pregnancy, not your Mum's. As your Mum, she's bound to worry about you, however she has NO right to dictate to you how you should live your life or when is the "right" time for you to become a parent.

I was 28 when I got pregnant with my first child, so not too much older than you are now. I had been with my husband for 6 years, so not too much longer than you've been with your partner. (We only got married a year before.) We were renting when I got pregnant, and only bought our own home when our son was 17 months old. I couldn't drive, as I was terrified to learn: I always said that I'd need to learn before getting pregnant, but that didn't happen, and I actually only started learning a few months before I got pregnant with my second child. I passed my test at about 26 weeks pregnant, when I was almost 32 - if I can do it, anyone can! We also live about 2 and half hours away from my parents, and 2 hours away from my in-laws - it's hard sometimes, but we manage! (Tbh, I'm not even sure I'd like family living closer, in case they started trying to butt in on our parenting decisions!)

My husband and I have never travelled loads, but we do still have lovely family holidays, and I know lots of people DO still travel abroad with young children! Your life WILL change when you have children, but that doesn't mean it will be worse... just different.

Please, whatever you decide, have it be YOUR choice, and no-one else's. x

Thanks everyone for your feedback.
I didn't want it to turn into a bashing of my mother but some points people have made have resonated with me and given me a lot of food for thought regarding our relationship, I am definitely infantilized (if that's even a word!). We did have another talk yesterday where she got angry and then sad, and of course when I said it was my life she screamed its her life too and everything will be better to wait until she's happy about it too. So, you get the idea of what I'm dealing with.

In any case, I suspect I've been suffering a miscarriage since yesterday - I have my first call with the Women's clinic today and will see what the doctor suggests based on my symptoms (heavy bleeding cramps and lots of clots). It may be that the decision has been taken out of my hands already.

Thanks again for all of your kind (and some harsh) words. I have a lot of soul searching to do
Xx

I'm really sorry OP. Take it easy and be very kind to yourself. It might be helpful to go low contact with your mother for a little while.

I’m so sorry to hear that.
Take care of yourself xxx

OP, I am sorry that you have experienced this loss. That is awful, and I hope your mum can find it in her heart to be there for you.

What I wanted to say when I read the thread before seeing your last post was "how long are going to let her dictate when you can have a baby?"

She is controlling you and your life, for it is your life, not hers not hers and she simply DOES NOT get a say in when you bring a baby into your life. It sounds like she is worried she will lose you and you won't be at her beck and call when you have a baby.

As sad as it is, that she isn't happy, it's not YOUR sole purpose to make her happy or wait until she is to move on with your plans.

Your mum will come around if you do decide to continue with the pregnancy, which should be your choice and not hers.

I was 24 when I conceived, planned, and although there's plenty of things that DH and I used to do that a baby has made different, we can still do all of them, they just take a little extra planning. Kids add so much to your life. DD is 9 months and I can't imagine life without her now.

That said, I have just had an abortion. I'm breastfeeding and on the pill but accidentally caught somehow. We have discussed having another but we are not financially in a state where we could provide the life we can for DD to another child, we would have to move house (2 bed) and one of us at least would need to buy a bigger car. Most of all, we are just not ready for another baby so soon.

I did feel guilty, for the same reasons as you, but if it's not what you want and it doesn't work for you/you feel you couldn't give the child the life it deserves, then it's totally justified.

Good luck OP. Whatever you decide

OP just read your update regarding a miscarriage. I'm sorry to hear, this is a really difficult situation given you're unsure. I really
Hope you get the result you want.

Another update seeing as I have noone else to tell.
The doctor agreed it is likely a miscarriage, I'm being referred for an ultrasound to be safe.
Ofcourse my mum is relieved and has told me I'm lucky but I won't lie and not say I'm a little sad and now nervous about the future and future pregnancies. I'd been watching some Jessica Hover videos on YT and finding some self-confidence but hey ho.
Again thank you all, I'm so glad I had a space to share this news with someone

Gosh she’s s peach isnt she?! I’d recommend you find the Stately Homes threads that run on here and get some advice and support from women in a similar situation. None of what you’ve posted about your mother sounds normal or healthy.

Everything crossed for your scan xx

I'm sorry for your loss, but honestly, you've not said a word about your partner's reaction, it's all about your mother, and she's relieved and it's her life, too.

No, it isn't. Your relationship with her is very unhealthy. This is none of her business. A lot of women would not have even told their mothers they were pregnant this early on.

I'd be seriously questioning this relationship if I were your partner.

'she screamed it's her life too'

I am assuming some projection of her own trauma into this, OP, but that is neither reason nor excuse for her behaviour. The quote above leapt out at me. There's a sense there that she feels she owns you and that it is your job to be the daughter that is in her mind. Possibly she is also afraid, perversely, that you won't have a traumatic time when you have a child - that you will have a lovely experience and she will be eaten up with envy and sublimated guilt. I'm speculating (on the basis of experiences of not dissimilar character), but it sounds as if something like this is going on, especially in view of your own difficulties with hearing your own voice on this.

I'm sorry to hear you may be having a miscarriage - look after yourself and, whatever the outcome of this pregnancy, think about having some therapy to unpick your mother's influence on your life and choices.

FWIW, I've had six miscarriages, with nothing more solid than indications as to the cause/s, but I also have three children. Miscarriage is very sad, and needs care and often grieving, but having one, or even two, is very common indeed and no reason to think you won't go on to have a healthy pregnancy in the future.

I'm really sorry you've lost the baby :-(

Seriously though, please ignore your mother. It's awful, truly awful that she told you that you're lucky that you're having a miscarriage. That's pretty much unforgivable in my book.

The average age for having a first baby in the UK is 28.8. Given you're 27 now, by the time the baby is born you will be pretty much bang on average. Clearly you aren't too young, and she's got some real issues.

@InDeoEstMeaFiducia

My partner is amazing and very supportive and is agreeable to whatever I want to do, he was also on the fence - he's never had a baby before and has no experience as a parent which is why I really just wanted to have some other advice other than my mother's.

Maybe I didn't make it clear but my mum is the only family I have. I'm an only child and so is she. I have no grandparents, siblings, father, aunt's uncle's or cousins. I only have her, so I tell her everything, we are incredibly close because as a family, it's just us. Like I said, we've had a v traumatic year with deaths and believe it or not, whether her advice is good or bad, I trust her because she's my mum.
I also only have a handful of friends that now live in all different countries and have their own conception issues so it didn't feel appropriate.

Really I wanted confidence from other women because I was scared about the problems she said I'd face and I wanted to know if they held any merit .

My partner isn't and won't be seriously reconsidering our relationship