Abortion

[Undecided2021]

I just found out I was pregnant this weekend, meaning I will be due April 2021.
I am 27, unmarried but in a long-term stable relationship (5 years) we live together and we make jointly 120k a year but we do not own our own home. We want kids but we didnt expect it this soon - we had been using condoms (i came off birth control in december because migraines), we were happy but scared and also it felt a little 'this cant be real life' - I told my mum and she is NOT ok, she has been crying and screaming down the phone to me the past few days and telling me shes had sleepless nights - I'll summarise her issues with it

1. I'm too young
2. I've only been in my current job a year
3. My partner and I have only lived together a year
4. My life would be over (i love to travel etc)
5. I dont live anywhere near her for her to help me
6. We don't own our own home
7. I cant drive

And just variants of the same points made above - she wants me to have an abortion and based on how horrific she has made the whole ordeal sound - I have booked my first appointment for thursday but i need some other opinions, im too scared to tell any of my friends right now.
I hate reading on women who struggle to conceive and to know that this happened relatively easily but i am ready to get rid of it because of how my mum feels and (i wont lie) im scared to lose the life I currently have, but i could have this exact same life when I'm 30 and still be scared to lose it then - which she protests i wont feel like that in a few years...just 27 is too young despite the fact I have achivied and done more in my life and am more financially stable than she was or ever will be.
For background - my mum was 35 when she had me, i am an only child.

any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

I'm not reading anything in your op that makes me think you can't/shouldn't have a baby. Does your mum have mental health issues? Screaming and shouting is a bizarre reaction when you are 27, been with your bf 5 years, and you earn a good amount of money. You can buy a house pregnant, it doesn't take 9 months and you can learn to drive in a few months. They aren't issues.

I mean if you don't want children then by all means don't have it but there's nothing you've mentioned makes me think you'd struggle practically, 27 isn't young either, if anything it's far more ideal than waiting until 35 when fertility takes a nose dive and risks shoot up.

I'd hazard a guess that deep down, your mum's reaction is nothing to do her thinking YOU'RE not ready to be a mum but everything to do with HER not ready to be a grandma. It's to do with self image, not accepting that she's in that stage of life.... etc

yes the more you've shared the more this is you're mum projecting. Its not normal for her to be as upset as you describe about this kind of news in your circumstances.

You really need to work this out with your OH - as if you do this on your mum's advice, you will end up hating her.

After a termination the feelings and emotions are awful. For a little while your body still feels you are pregnant, the hormones have to come back down, there can be pain and complications. Don't get me wrong I am pro choice - but going through THAT because you felt forced will harbour nothing but anger and resentment.

If its your choice then so be it, you go into knowing this no matter what the only outcome you want is no baby.

Your mum might be upset now, but how upset would she be in 6 months time if you're yelling at her that its her fault you had a termination and you can't forgive her.

If you keep the baby, I guarantee she will change her mindset and you'll have her full support.

What if every time you get pregnant or something happens it’s never a right time for you as far as she’s concerned? Does she control every aspect of your life?

Why do you think it’s going to ruin your life just because she’s decided that? You can be perfectly happy with this baby if you choose to be. And if she chooses not to be part of its life then she’s the one missing out.

This has absolutely nothing to do your with mother - this is a conversation you should be having with your partner. And to be honest if I was him and my partner aborted purely on the recommendation of her mother I'd end the relationship

Hi OP
I was exactly the same as you (but 21...) was just under 7 months into my new job, had only officially lived with my other half for a year, we were renting. I did have a car though.
I had all the same thoughts and we spent a long time talking about them. We decided to keep the baby and now have DS.
Can you look up your works maternity policy. It will give you an idea of their expectations. For what it's worth I was so worried about work but actually they were really supportive

And to be honest if I was him and my partner aborted purely on the recommendation of her mother I'd end the relationship

This. I think if I was the partner I’m not sure how I’d feel knowing my partner had an abortion because their mum said they should.

Oh OP, sorry you are in this position. I find it sad that you were initially happy (but scared - very natural to feel both at the same time) and now your mum has potentially changed your view on this.

Please think about what you and your DP want, your mums Opinions shouldn’t matter, and her reasons as another poster has said is her opinion (not fact), and each point is easily argued.

You are not too young (by a long shot) unless you feel it is too soon for you (and that is your personal feeling!).You’ve been in your job long enough to be entitled to maternity leave and pay. You and your partner have been together 5 years, this is a decent amount of time together, and a year into living with each other I would have thought you would know if you are compatible this way. Your life wouldn’t be over - just different. I am pregnant with my first at the moment and my mum is just over an hour away, I don’t expect loads of help from her (it’s my baby after all - he is mine and DHs responsibility). You may not own your home, but I imagine you are comfortable where you are? You do not need to own your home to have a baby and as you have said you are financially stable (actually probably in a better position than most).

If you and your DP feel an abortion is right for you, then by all means that is your decision (I have had 2 abortions myself when I was 18 - was on the pill both times it just didn’t work for me unfortunately - but I knew my decision on this straight away, I had no doubt in my mind).

What concerns me in your situation is you said you and your DP were initially happy about the news, then it’s only when your mum has dropped her opinions on you And brought up abortion that you are now on the fence.

Please ensure the decision you make is your own, your mum has no part in it.

Tbh I think ur mum is overreacting a bit.. ur 27 not 18. And tbh u sound like u have a pretty stable life and set up well to bring a baby into the world. I would totally cut out ur mums opinion and focus on what u want. I had a baby at 21, a surprised baby, I was on the pill and no where near stable in life. It happened so easily. But I still went on to get my own career with a baby and hold down a job and buy my own home. And then left having a second for ages thinking it would be so easy to conceive again. .... I started trying again at 31 and nope my body was a lot older and unfortunately I’ve had three miscarriages and not on my 5th pregnancy at 32 and praying every day this baby sticks. Point is if u really see urself as a mum then really think about having this baby because I’m a few years time ur body might not find it so easily to conceive again. And how will I feel then knowing u aborted a baby cause ur mum over reacted a big. Just to point out I’m so close to my mum and her support means everything but obviously when I came to her at 21 pregnant she cried and screamed but believe me as soon as my bumped showed and my daughter was born my mum was so happy for her grandchild. I’m sure ur mum will be the same

Sorry for the typos lol 😂 new phone

You know what, I had some of the boxes on that list and some not (we had had a flat and sold it and were in rented looking for a hours in a new location, my parents are miles away etc), I had a very solid job, was married, and I was 32 and, intellectually, felt that it was a very good time to start having a family and not something to put off for much longer.

I was still terrified when I got the positive test. Excited but terrified. That bit is normal.

Your mum's reaction is not at all normal. Not necessarily wanting other things for you than parenthood (all parents have views on their kids' lives, they just keep quiet about most of them!) but kicking off about it and screaming about it, even voicing an opinions about it in your circumstances is too much to be honest.

You are a grown up woman in what sounds like a steady relationship. What do you want? Is your partner prepared to support you? Would it make a difference to you if you got married? Or if you had discussed concrete plan as regards buying a house at some stage, even if a few years down the line? These are sensible questions to ask yourself and your partner because having a baby does test a relationship and frankly, if you are having a baby expecting someone to support you or to take a particular path then you need to be able to talk about these things. I struggle to understand men who will encourage their partner to have a child but will say they are not ready for marriage. But honestly, life after kids is not over - it absolutely is different in that you have someone else to factor in and not a whole lot of lazy brunching for a while - but it isn't over.

If you want an abortion, that is ok too. My cousin did at a similar age to you - steady relationship, reasonable job, but she had a few more goals that she wanted to reach for herself and she knew that she needed more time to get to a place where she felt right about being a parent. She is now 35, has a 1 yo, with same partner (now DH) Pregnant again, fabulous job. She looks happy and I am sure that her decision was right for her, in the same way that at 27 (living together with now DH for a year, about to get engaged), an abortion probably wouldn't have been right for me at the same age. Whatever you decide, so it for you.

If you’ve had an awful year, maybe she is worried about your attention/love being taken away from her with a baby? It might be a scary prospect for her and she’s worried about being left alone?

You need to do what’s best for you and your partner though. If YOU want the baby, you should have the baby! For what it’s worth, 27 is a brilliant age to have a baby, especially as you’ve clearly got good jobs!

this is awful - you may think yourum wants what's best for you but she clearly doesnt. a mum who wants what's best for their child is supportive, a trait she quite obviously is not. it's you who has to live with this if you do it. I had an abortion before and make no mistake, it is not an easy thing emotionally at all and I decided to do it based on my own feelings let alone someone elses.

I hate to say it as well but imagine if you do this then struggle to concieve later down the line. can you even begin to comprehend how that would make you feel and how it would make you view your mum? I cant imagine that would be something you could ever come back from. this is your life not your mums. her reaction for the reasons you've given are, frankly, absurd. not one of those things raises that level of hysteria - not even the fact you dont drive. public transport does exist after all.

please make the decision for yourself, not based on anyone else.

You only lose your lifestyle if you want to.

We travel more and camp more since DS than before him!

Hi @Undecided2021

I just thought I’d share my story with you.
I was 20 (yes now that’s young) when I feel pregnant. My boyfriend and I weren’t living together. We decided to keep the baby and I gave birth at 21.
At the time I was happy but scared of course. I’d just started my first proper job and we did get a lot of comments on our age etc.
We lived in my boyfriends parents annex before buying our first house when our daughter was 8 months old. I passed my driving test at 8 months pregnant because I was determined to do it.
Fast forward 3 years. My husband and I got married in October last year. We have a beautiful 3 and a half year old who is our entire world and we have just found out we are expecting our second baby.
We have travelled all over with our daughter and go on mini weekend adventures all the time!

Please don’t let your mums opinion cloud your judgement. Babies don’t ruin your life, they change them for the better.

You will never regret keeping this baby but you may regret not keep it if deep down this is something you could want!
Wishing you all the best ❤️

I think your mother is projecting how much her life was ruined.

Your probably much better off than she was at your age.

I’m not against abortion, I’ve had one myself.

I did however have a baby a 16, go through collage, started a career I loved , Met dh got married, bought a house and had two more children. My eldest is now 25 and works in Dubai doing and amazing job.

You can learn how to drive also.

Have an abortion because you want one. Not because your mother has put the fear of death in to you

shes totally overreacting. 27 is a completely normal age to have a baby, and a good age imo. You still have the energy for it. Shes treating you like a teenager. You have to decide what you want to do, and take her opinion out of the equation

Tbh I also think you may need some form of therapy because it’s not usual a parent would have so much sway of their adult child to the point they would terminate a pregnancy at their wishes.

When will she deem it ok for you to actually keep one?

Your mum sounds like she needs some help. And not from you.

You and your partner need to decide what you want to do. No one else. Having a baby isn't the end of anything (although at 27 I think I thought it would be!), they are largely adaptable and pretty portable - we've been away loads, we went on a trip recently that we only booked two days in advance. DD just got on with it. You can learn to drive, you can buy a house, you can get married if you want. All these things are doable, you just need to think about what you want.

How does your partner feel about you going for an abortion on the say so if your mother?

If my mum reacted like that to my pregnancy I'd consider cutting her out of my life for good tbh. She sounds hysterical and overbearing.

You're not too young OP and you and your DP earn a great salary.

You were happy but scared before you spoke to her. It doesn't sound like you want to abort and don't let your mum pressure you into it with her histrionics.

I actually think she sounds a bit mad tbh.
I get that not everyone enjoys parenting, and maybe she had a tough time with pnd or something, but honestly, if having a kid was that bad, then how come so many people do it? Yes it can be hard work, but it has really lovely things about it too. She sounds super controlling.

What does your partner think

I'm 8 weeks right now and have not told my ILs as they'll be furious. No idea why but they had a go at me last time when told them about number 2 (this will be our third and last, not planned).

But fuck it this is a decision that only the people directly involved get a say on. Your Mum has no right to tell you or make you feel bad - it's toxic.

Yes you'll travel less.

The other stuff is her opinion and has no barring whatsoever. What do you and your partner want?

Go with that and tell her to fuck off!

I was 28 when I fell pregnant, together we make about 130k, we had bought our house but did travel a lot. The year I got pregnant we went to Italy, Indonesia, Singapore, Dubai & New York.

Life changed dramatically when DS arrived. My mother was supportive. We no longer travel but your priorities shift and change, the life you have now will no longer be the life you want, I love my life now and I want a second child.

I wouldn't let your mother make that decision for you and she seems rather stressed. An abortion sounds "easy" but it's everything but that. Think about what you want, not your mother.