Abortion

[Undecided2021]

I just found out I was pregnant this weekend, meaning I will be due April 2021.
I am 27, unmarried but in a long-term stable relationship (5 years) we live together and we make jointly 120k a year but we do not own our own home. We want kids but we didnt expect it this soon - we had been using condoms (i came off birth control in december because migraines), we were happy but scared and also it felt a little 'this cant be real life' - I told my mum and she is NOT ok, she has been crying and screaming down the phone to me the past few days and telling me shes had sleepless nights - I'll summarise her issues with it

1. I'm too young
2. I've only been in my current job a year
3. My partner and I have only lived together a year
4. My life would be over (i love to travel etc)
5. I dont live anywhere near her for her to help me
6. We don't own our own home
7. I cant drive

And just variants of the same points made above - she wants me to have an abortion and based on how horrific she has made the whole ordeal sound - I have booked my first appointment for thursday but i need some other opinions, im too scared to tell any of my friends right now.
I hate reading on women who struggle to conceive and to know that this happened relatively easily but i am ready to get rid of it because of how my mum feels and (i wont lie) im scared to lose the life I currently have, but i could have this exact same life when I'm 30 and still be scared to lose it then - which she protests i wont feel like that in a few years...just 27 is too young despite the fact I have achivied and done more in my life and am more financially stable than she was or ever will be.
For background - my mum was 35 when she had me, i am an only child.

any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks

It’s completely unreasonable of your mother to react like this. You don’t have to consider her views at all.
Find out what the right decision is for you and ignore her completely.
You can have a driving licence within a few months if you schedule enough lessons.

Oh OP no your mum doesnt sound like she wants the best for you because none of what she says seems to be about you.

The absolute worst thing is to make the decision to have an abortion based on the needs/wishes/wants of another person. It is a very personal choice that is not hers to make. It is yours alongside consulting with your partner.

we were happy but scared

This speaks volumes. The two of you were happy but scared. A normal reaction to finding out you were pregnant (even if you were older and planned!)

I cant drive (eyesight depth issues) and I cope. I love to travel but now they are older I have two more perfect travel companions.

You will be fine without her OP - the fact that she is making you feel like this I think speaks to the potential toxicity of your relationship

If you can manage a job and a life without a driving license, I'm sure you can manage a baby. Get a pram! This is not a deal-breaker. Your mother sounds odd. Maybe she was taken by surprise she's going to be a grandma!
Congratulations on your pregnancy!

Also, incidentally - I can drive, but I haven't in probably 20 years and I don't have a car. My baby did not pause on his way out to demand I do a three-point turn and demonstrate parallel parking. You'll be fine, and you have plenty of time to learn if you want to.

I had a termination last year because it was the right thing to do for me, it's what I wanted and I was 100% sure. Despite that, it was still traumatising physically and mentally. I still struggle emotionally now sometimes, so I dread to think how it would have affected me if I was on the fence and it was effectively someone else's decision. Of course, everyone is different, but please do not let her sway you.

You are not too young, it is your choice. You should be offered counselling before you go through with anything so please ask about that and work through your feelings with a professional and tell them about your mum too.

I think you need to take your mum's feelings and concerns out of the equation whilst you and your partner decide what you want to do. It really has very little to do with her at the end of the day. Explain to her that you need a few days to yourselves and once you've got your head around your intentions either way tell her what your plans are and that she can be supportive or not.

It sounds to me like you'd be in a great position to have a baby with regards to your relationship and finances so it really comes down to whether you want it.

Having recently found out I was pregnant and like you being on the fence about what to do I know how hard it would've been had my family not been supportive so I really do sympathise. I hope you manage to come to your own decisions and resolve any problems with your mum asap! xx

It sounds like your mum has a lot of regrets about her own life and is projecting them onto you.

Your mum's reaction is very strange and completely out of order. If you are happy to have your baby, go ahead and have it. You're a perfect age and a high earner. Go for it!

Can I ask why you take her opinion so seriously?

Your life is NOT over! Honestly, if I had a pound for everyone who said 'my life would be over' when I was pregnant, I'd be rich. And as a consequence, I spent the entire pregnancy miserable and dreading having my DC. I was only 18 at the time and never did travelling but little babies are very portable!

I wish people had told me how much joy children bring to your life! Yes, some aspects just take a bit more planning and compromises but it's so worth it.

I now have 3 children and a professional job. I've also had an abortion - guess which decision I regret the most?

What the hell. You can travel with a baby and still when your child gets older. Your life is not over and you are not too young. Your mum does not get to make this decision for you and you will resent her in a few years to come if you terminate I'm sure. My first was a surprise and my partner and I hadn't been together long, I wasn't working and we didn't live together, zero savings for both of us. Guess what, it all worked out and we couldnt imagine our life without our daughter.
I'm not against abortion but your mum not being happy about it is not a reason to get one. You're 27, not 16. Bloody hell.

And when you have children relatively young, you are still young when they're grown.

I have had an abortion, and have no regrets, but that's because it was an unwanted pregnancy. In your position, where you and your partner felt (feel?) happy about it, I think an abortion is a bad idea. Your mum doesn't own you.

@Huhokthen

It sounds like your mum has a lot of regrets about her own life and is projecting them onto you.

This.

A lot of people earn a lot less & still have babies, in less stable relationships as well.

You really don't want to feel pushed into an abortion because of someone else, especially your mum, it is literally none of her business

How is your mum even getting a say in this? At all? This is between you and your partner - absolutely no one else!

Her influence on you at 27 is staggering OP. At your age I had already had two kids, one with autism and epilepsy, began a new career and travelled more than I ever have in my life! And my mum?

She’s not involved at all. She doesn’t even know where I live! We’ve brought up our children ourselves.

Clearly your mum is deeply affected by what happened to her, which sounds very traumatic. However you're living your life not hers. Medical care has moved on and if you highlight to your midwife the problems your mum experienced , they should keep an extra eye on you.
I think if you had an abortion because of your mums opinion you'd regret it and try again, and feel sad about this lost opportunity. I'm not anti abortion- It's totally your decision to make - I just get that feeling from your posts.

Maybe tell your MIL and enjoy having a happy reaction !

A friend of mines mum told my friend she'd "ruined her life" having a baby immediately after finishing uni. My friend was bewildered and upset but knew she wanted the baby. She hadn't ruined her life. It was all great and still is , 25 years later. I think her mum is still rather embarrassed at her initial reaction!! Xx

Theres never a right time to have children. Always something that isn't ideal but you make it work. None of those reasons sound compelling enough to me to justify an abortion unless you really dont want a baby.

I doubt your life will change that significantly in the next three years so you're better asking yourself if you ever want to have a baby. If you do, and you're currently pregnant you may aswell start focusing on how you make it work.

Your mum may NEVER be happy for you re having a child and she may never support you. She is your mum and it's clear that you love her. But you cannot allow her to make the decision for you. Practically speaking there are no insurmountable reasons why you shouldn't have a baby now
This is an emotional decision, not a practical one.

You need to spend some time away from your mum, and don't answer her calls while you think for a bit. Can you stay with a good friend for a couple of days?

WTAF?! What kind of mother emotionally manipulates her own child and tries to sway her to abort her own grandchild? She sounds toxic AF and you can't realise it but she's the only example you've had. This is not: her life, her child or her business. It's yours and your partner's. It's your decision. You are your own person, an adult, not the extension of herself that she sees you as.

Get over to the Stately Homes threads, you are operating under FOG - fear, obligation and guilt.

She's projecting onto you in a way that is very unhealthy. If I were your partner I'd be beside myself that this toxic woman has such an influence over your life and seriously questioning it all.

I really hope you cut contact with her for a few days at the least.

Jesus wept, her reaction is staggering.

It doesn't sound like you're on the fence, it sounds like you want to keep the baby (your partner does, too) and you're being coerced by your mother.

Your mother sounds awful, selfish and interfering. It's completely up to you and she should be supportive of what you want to do it your life. All her objections have counter arguments:

1. I'm too young

You're hardly 17! There is never a perfect age/time to have a baby

1. I've only been in my current job a year

A year is usually long enough to qualify for an enhanced maternity package?

1. My partner and I have only lived together a year

You've been together for 5 years. Some relationships don't work out fora variety of reasons.

1. My life would be over (i love to travel etc)

Your life would be different. You can still tea el with a baby and as the child gets older, this gets easier

1. I dont live anywhere near her for her to help me

Would you be living near your mum in 5 years time? Maybe not. This seems to be your mum's real problem

1. We don't own our own home

What's to stop you buying now or in the future? You're on a good combined income.

1. I cant drive

You can learn

Any of these things only matter if they are problems for you.

I think your mum is really, really odd.

I don’t think it’s fair she has said her unhinged opinions.

Lots of women have babies at 27. That’s when I had mine and I’m hardly unusual.

I would never involve my parents in a discussion about termination, I just don’t know why people do.

It’s ok to have this baby ( and equally it’s ok not to have this baby IF it’s your decision )

Her excuses are all about control, too. You have a partner, you don't need her for 'help' and tbh, I wouldn't want someone so toxic near my child. The rest is just pure bunkum.

LOL tell your mum to fuck off.

You're 27, make your own mind up.

All her reasons are based in opinion, not fact.
You are definitely not too young, your life will certainly not be over, she doesn’t need to live near you to be supportive, having been in your job a year the you’re entitled to full maternity rights, having lived with your partner for a year means you know each other pretty well by now, plenty of people have babies in rented accommodation and you don’t need a car - if you can get to work without a car then you’ll cope perfectly fine as a parent without one.

Plenty of people will disagree with me, but I believe there’s hardly ever a ‘right time’ to have a baby. I was 27 when I had my first. I felt young in some respects (Some other mums I met at baby groups were first time mums at 35 and and had already set themselves up financially and had nice big houses in lovely catchment areas), but I felt old in others (some of my friends kids were 5 already and they were well out of the sleepless nights stage and in school while they were still young and had energy to put into work again).

And a combined income of £120K means that you’re already financially stable enough to have kids.
At 27 and having our first we had a combined income of £45K. 8 years in I earn that alone, even after paying childcare for 2 kids in the mean time as we didn’t have family support.

If YOU want an abortion, by all means go ahead, do what’s best for your physical and mental health. But if you decide to go through with the pregnancy and parenthood, you’ll be absolutely fine. Good luck, whatever you decide.

You know what, scrap “you’ll be fine”.
Having kids is bloody wonderful. Hard, but wonderful. If you decide to have your baby then you’ll be more than just “fine”.

I was every single thing on your list when I got pregnant at 26 and my now DH and I had only been together 7 months. We now are married, own a beautiful home, have holidays, have moved near my mum, I passed my driving test...There is never a good time to have a baby, but it'll work out in the end. Don't let people baby you, I'm sure you are an extremely capable woman.