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Pregnancy

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Original poster

If you aren’t married who’s surname will your baby have?

132 replies

lululocks · 31/05/2020 17:28

I’m 20 weeks pregnant and I don’t know if I want to marry my DP so should I give our baby my surname?

I hate the idea of not having the same surname as my own child. But I don’t think he would be happy about this.

Are others who aren’t married planning on giving the baby your DPs surname?

OP posts:

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EveningReflection · 31/05/2020 21:49

This is an easy decision for me. Ive never felt attached to my surname. Its neither my mums, nor my dads. It was some kind of attempt by my mum to anglicise my dads surname when he came to the UK and they got married. Essentially my mum just made up a surname when they got married.

Also, im engaged and we intend to get married soon. Im happy to take his name, so the baby can have his surname.

Im sure if i had a strong connection to my surname, then things would be more complicated.

magicmallow · 31/05/2020 21:52

My son has my surname. ExP was fine with this! His is not a great name anyway. Mine is nice, was an easy decision. Makes it easier as well for travel etc. We often go away just us. I heard people can have issues with travelling with a child of a different surname.

SpaceSharkTea · 31/05/2020 21:59

It's lovely your DP is easy going OP so it takes that pressure or worry you had off of you.

Ask yourself these questions:

Do you see yourself getting married in the somewhat near future? If so, give DS his dad's last name as paper work is a pain in the arse and can still follow you later in life - trust me.

Does it bother you that you would have a different surname to your child?

Which surname could/will have more of a meaning to your DS? Is your surname particularly important to you to carry on etc?

Original poster

lululocks · 31/05/2020 22:11

Oh I never considered that travelling could cause issues with a different name, that’s definitely something to think about. I don’t particularly like my surname and don’t feel attached to it but would still like to have that connection to my child. Luckily I still have lots of time to think about I will do what feels right at the time :) Thank you all for the input.

OP posts:

carly2803 · 31/05/2020 22:23

im a firm believer in if you are not married, baby has the mother's surname

I think women who are not with their kids dad,and let him have the surname are completely rediculous

carly2803 · 31/05/2020 22:23

im a firm believer in if you are not married, baby has the mother's surname

I think women who are not with their kids dad,and let him have the surname are completely rediculous

SmilingLikeMorrisOnABike · 31/05/2020 22:29

My LO is due in July and will be having a double barrelled surname, me and my OH aren't married or engaged so I've always made it clear from the outset that the baby will have a double barrelled surname or just mine 😂 I sound like a complete tail but I have my biological dad's surname and don't have any relationship with him, my stepdad who has brought me up since I was just over a year old obviously has a different surname as do my mum and my brother so I've always felt like an outsider. X

bee222 · 31/05/2020 22:32

@Bellainey

It’s awful, isn’t it? It makes me cringe so much when I hear women say it. It’s so dated and sexist.

chubbyhotchoc · 01/06/2020 08:20

My dh has a child with his previous partner. She also has another child to someone else she's not with. Both children have their respective dads' names. I always think it must be sad for her to have two children with different surnames from her. Then you've got the scenario that both dad's have then married someone else so their stepmothers share the child's name but their own mother doesn't. Never in a million would I have allowed such a scenario to play out.

zscaler · 01/06/2020 08:33

Definitely give the baby your surname, especially if you aren’t sure you want to stay with the father. It will make your life a lot easier in the long run if she has your name. And if you do end up getting married, your husband can take your name or you can change the baby’s surname along with your own if you take his.

Chl00 · 01/06/2020 08:35

I’m a firm believer that it should be the dads name (unless the dad doesn’t want anything to do with the baby), I think a lot of women act like it’s just their baby and the dad gets left out on things, women get to carry the baby and then breastfeed, women even have the choice whether to write the dad on the birth certificate, so if the dads involved whether you’re with them or not I think the baby should take his name. But that just my choice so don’t come for me😅, me and my partner are happily together and will probably marry one day but even if we were just co-parenting the baby would still have his name

AhBallix · 01/06/2020 08:36

We went for double barrelled with no hyphen. In our case it has been a right pain in the arse because the first of the surnames is often used by people as a first name, so people often think it's DCs' middle name and cut it out. We went for what sounded best when spoken together, but if they had been the other way round, or hyphenated, there wouldn't be as much confusion.

When I'm giving DCs' names, I have to emphasise that the middle name is part of the surname. DC will probably drop one of the names when they get older, which is fine. DP has already indicated that he won't be too happy if they drop his. I, on the other hand, couldn't care less. It only matters to me now when they're young, for purposes of showing their connection to me.

zscaler · 01/06/2020 08:38

I am constantly amazed by young women changing their name.

Names pass patrilineally in the U.K., so I either use my dad’s name or my husband’s. Why is one more depressing and sexist than the other? Both imply possession by a male relative, and unless we completely rewrite naming conventions in the U.K., there is no option to avoid that.

If I have to choose between keeping the name that denotes that I am a possession of my father or changing to the name that denotes that I am a possession of my husband, I won’t be lectured for choosing the latter when nobody has ever convinced me that it’s materially different to the former.

firstimemamma · 01/06/2020 08:41

The baby has my fiancé's surname (we've been engaged since before ds was born and are getting married next year so soon I'll have the same surname as my son!).

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 01/06/2020 08:51

I know a couple who got married who decided on a mix up of both surnames, not double-barrelled. It sounds really good and they’re both represented equally. Obviously wouldn’t work for every surname pairing.

Settlersofcatan · 01/06/2020 08:57

We are married but neither of us changed our surnames. We come from different cultures so went for first names from my culture and his surname with my surname as a middle name. I slightly regret them not having my surname but I like that they have both cultures in their names

TerribleCustomerCervix · 01/06/2020 09:09

I either use my dad’s name or my husband’s. Why is one more depressing and sexist than the other?

Whatever name you were given when you were born is your name. It doesn’t matter if it was passed down by a man, it became yours once you started using it, and presumably continued to use it for the first 20-30 years of your life pre-marriage.

I don’t understand why some people think that men “own” a name, and women just get to use them as a result of their relationships with them.

puppypeach · 01/06/2020 09:31

@whawhatisaweekend
We weren't really interested in double barrelled surnames to be honest as they were too

My partner also has a surname as a middle name which he does use a lot and so do a lot of relatives on my mums side!

I've also got 2 step children and wouldn't want them to see their half sibling as an outsider if that makes sense

Whawhatisaweekend · 01/06/2020 10:58

@puppypeach makes perfect sense, sounds like the right choice for you and your family! Thank you for your response and I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well!

BabyB19 · 01/06/2020 11:15

My baby will have my partners name, we're not married maybe we will be in the future and if we do I will take his name, I share my blood with this baby that is far more important to me than a name. I'm not a fan of double barrelled. I get the absolute privilege of carrying this baby, bonding for 9 whole months before birth, the joy of feeling the kicks and movements, I think OH deserves to have the name thing it is after all his child as much as mine x

Goldenmother · 01/06/2020 11:59

I'm not married and my children have there dads surname

Purplesndteal · 01/06/2020 12:02

I double barrelled but I'm Hispanic and it was best for the baby as he has dual nationality.

BlueBooby · 01/06/2020 12:04

I'm not married and dd has our surnames double barrelled. If her father had objected to that, she would have had my surname.

wiltingflower · 01/06/2020 12:07

Your surname for the baby

WitchyMoo · 01/06/2020 12:09

I've been with my partner 23 years . Our 3 children are double barrelled.

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