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Original poster

If you aren’t married who’s surname will your baby have?

132 replies

lululocks · 31/05/2020 17:28

I’m 20 weeks pregnant and I don’t know if I want to marry my DP so should I give our baby my surname?

I hate the idea of not having the same surname as my own child. But I don’t think he would be happy about this.

Are others who aren’t married planning on giving the baby your DPs surname?

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Jadegkeaney · 31/05/2020 19:30

We arent married and I'm not sure I will remarry at all as I'm quite traumatised by marriage in general due to me ex. I am 18+5 and I have actually changed my surname to same as OH so we will all be the same. Done this by deed poll. I personally think children should have dads name but its entirely up to you maybe you should both sit down and have a good chat about it.

FlyMCA · 31/05/2020 19:38

DD has my surname, DH wasn't keen but as we weren't married at the time and he was unsure If he wanted to marry again it wasn't something I was prepared to budge on ( we had already spoke pre DD about this, so he knew how I felt about this).
As it happens we are now married, but I've kept my name (again something he was fully aware I would do, even though it's not what he would prefer) and DD still has the same surname.

sel2223 · 31/05/2020 19:41

It's absolutely personal choice

My maiden name was the source of a fair bit of bullying growing up and I hated it. I still use my ex husbands name now as I didn't want to go back to it.

DD will have OH's surname as I wouldn't want to give her my maiden name or my current surname.

We do plan to get married in 2021.

mouse1234567 · 31/05/2020 19:42

I’m married but I kept my own name and our baby will have my surname as a middle name but by husbands surname,

Littleshortcake · 31/05/2020 19:45

We didn't want children before marriage so it wasn't an issue but I have no doubt in my mind I would not use the man's name if it wasn't our married name. No way. I wouldn't even consider it.

BumbleBeee69 · 31/05/2020 19:48

I'd never give a child a Fathers Surname if not married... Mothers Surname every time OP. Flowers

Velvian · 31/05/2020 19:55

Your surname. It's entirely your choice, the father does not have a say. You can see how much societal there still is for babies to have the father's name by the amount of children with unmarried parents that have the father's name. Don't hand your power away. It is pretty much the only thing that women have sole power over. I don't think many women even know they have that power.

Autumnsloth · 31/05/2020 19:57

I was always sure that we would double barrel and that if DP didn't like that, baby could have my surname. We are planning on getting married but I have no intention of changing my name and I hated the idea of having a different name to my baby.

This was my intention right up until DS was born. I then started having doubts - to be honest the double barrel just sounded stupid, and I didn't like the connotations. I started thinking that when we get married I would double barrel my name so as to have same name as DS. The thought filled me with such dread I realised I could not saddle him with a double barrel name if I wouldn't want that name for myself! So we went with DP's name. I'm surprisingly ok with it. Sometimes I wonder whether I should have just gone with mine, but that didn't seem fair on DP since he would have accepted the double barrel. Didn't seem right to say no we can't have your name at all because I don't like how they sound together.

What did irk me though when I rang my dad I told him we 'axed' my surname and he said well you didn't axe it, you just didn't add it! Just shows how expected on all sides dad's name is.

Original poster
lululocks · 31/05/2020 20:08

I just spoke to him about it and he’s surprisingly fine with our son having my surname and said we can change it if we decide to get married. Now he’s said that I think I would actually prefer the baby to have his name 🙈

OP posts:
BumbleBeee69 · 31/05/2020 20:10

OP.. it's up to you Flowers

chubbyhotchoc · 31/05/2020 20:17

No way would I give a child I'd carried and worked hard to bring into the world someone else's name. If not married I would give it mine, possibly double barrel ( mine first) if it sounded ok. I divorced my first husband and my dd had his surname. When I remarried I changed her name too.

CayrolBaaaskin · 31/05/2020 20:18

It’s not traditional at all either for children to have their mothers name where unmarried. I had quite a few unmarried mothers in my family tree over the years and they used the father’s surname for the child in every case although they were unmarried and the fathers were married to other people.

Name him after u op. You will resent it later if you don’t

Rubyred24 · 31/05/2020 20:19

I gave both our dd's their dads babe and we were not married.

Velvian · 31/05/2020 20:25

Go with your name, op. You may be thinking of a rosy future together, but it may not go that way. You can change the baby's name if you marry and take DP's name at a later date, you can't do it the other way around so easily.

sel2223 · 31/05/2020 20:29

Don't let people tell you 'do this' or 'do that', you do whatever is right for you and your family OP.

Raaaa · 31/05/2020 20:31

Mine has my DP as the intention is we will get married.
If DD had mine I would think it's a bit odd as he is her dad and I've had the pregnancy and birth so he can have the surname.
I don't like double barrelled

Bellainey · 31/05/2020 20:37

We are married and all children have my name. As an aside can people please stop using the term 'maiden name,' it is so archaic and awful. I am constantly amazed by young women changing their name. There is always an excuse and it is usually depressing.

sel2223 · 31/05/2020 20:39

@Bellainey sorry for your oversensitivity. I am fine with the term 'maiden name' and I am fine with my reasons for choosing my own and my DD's name. No 'excuse' necessary.

FeelinFagin · 31/05/2020 20:42

I was planning on marrying my kids dad so they got his surname. We got married when they were 8, 5 and 2 and I finally caught up with the kids and got the matching name.

We are all now The Fagins family. I don't think I'd like a mix of surnames for us all.

But if I wasn't going to get married, I'd double barrel the children's surnames.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 31/05/2020 20:43

It’s up to you OP.

Personally, I don’t think marriage changes things much anyway.

I double barrelled my dc’s names, with a bonkers combination, even though I was married to DH when they were both born.

I’ve read enough MN over the years to know that marriage doesn’t guarantee a reliable and involved non-resident father. Even though DH and I are v happy, was I fuck going to chance raising dc with a different surname on my own in the event of him divorcing me.

Jolonglegs · 31/05/2020 20:44

We're not married, and the children have DP's surname.

Level75 · 31/05/2020 20:45

@lululocks but why change your name and the child's name if you get married? Wouldn't it be easier for your then DH to change his name if he wanted to?

Paperchainpopp · 31/05/2020 20:46

Interesting how people have different views. I gave my DS his surname from his dad. I wasn’t too fussed as long as I got to pick the first name. The only thing I will say as I’m not married. Slightly annoying is when your in the airport and the police look at your passports and demand “proof” that’s it’s your child (due to different surnames on both of the passports).

roarfeckingroar · 31/05/2020 20:47

I'm 21 weeks today. Baby will have double barrelled. We're engaged and I won't change my surname when we do, so it is only fair that baby has both of our names.

xkjl1x · 31/05/2020 20:57

I'm 17 weeks and I have already had this conversation with OH.
The baby will have my surname and if we ever get married then we will change it. While the baby is in hospital it has your name.

I have said that I dont feel comfortable with something I have carried cared and basically given my sole to not to have a connection with. I was honest with him and told him how I felt in the end he saw my point of view. Just gotta tell the in laws opppssss